To be irritated that hubby went for his workout on my designated day? ?

[Chalatte]

Edit: hubby, not hint, can't seem to change title
I and my partner have just started working out semi regularly, and due to our busy schedules he does Mon-weds and I do the remaining 4 days
I don't usually get to do all 4 because there's always a birthday party or social engagement on the day, and sometimes miss all week for reasons like that.

I've got the week off for half term and I've been on top of the laundry and some deep cleaning. I've also done loads of cooking etc plus ensured the kids were off screens for the most part, taking them to local parks etc to keep them active.

This means I've just been exhausted and not been able to go gym the first 3 days
Today I set up a playdate so we had kids over until past 7. I couldn't even think about going coz I've been up and down stairs, In and out dropping the older kid to their play dates, tidying, cooking and cleaning basically all day. Turns out he got a session at the gym in and I was really irritated by this!

Yesterday he suggested "I just take the day off and do something for myself" and I didn't do it knowing fully well I had multiple playdates to coordinate, lunch laundry and tidying. I work a very busy job so this half term has been a rare opportunity for me to do stuff. He's booked himself a gym day and went ahead with it, and honestly I got a little upset by this. Despite him telling me to "take today off" and that"he'd cancel if I booked"

I think there's a deeper underlying issue because this irritated me to no end and I can't articulate why this bothers me so(especially because he even offered to cancel if I were going)! My whole point is I don't want to feel I'm constantly begging him for time that's designated to be for my gym time. He just doesn't seem to get why I'm so annoyed if I wasn't going to go to the gym anyway(I was honestly exhausted after being around the kids all of today).

I think the issue is that i feel he isn't pulling his weight in the house enough and everything he says feels like lip service. If I went out today I know, for instance, that the lunch would have been ramen or if there was proper lunch I'd have to clear up stacks of dishes from the sink and counter, the laundry wouldn't have been done etc, so my"taking time off"would just mean "put off what I'm doing until tomorrow and double the work"😢

To be fair he does some work around the house but feels like it's the bare minimum compared to what needs doing. He'll do the washing but not the folding,leave a pile on the table or bed for days on end. He'll feed the kids but it's ramen or takeout, and the dishes will all be out on the table. Or, he'll engage the kids, but it's going to be with Tv

I understand he works a busy job and has no free time but I am feeling so triggered today in particular, even more so after he so generously told me to"take time off" that I guess I just wanted to vent here and any thoughts on whether I'm being unreasonable will be received with an open mind!

you need to make sure your husband understands that you going is not the issue - you need to be 100 % sure that what you are leaving at home will get covered so that you can have genuine time out

Thanks, I think this is it. I want to chill out and take a break too but I don't want to have to force it.

I can't feel relaxed if there is clutter and I can be a pissy cleaner something I definitely need to work on but it is also because I dont feel I am getting enough back. He thinks he is doing plenty -- he does make meals. He does do dishes. Laundry. Just not consistently/just not enough. I used to freelance for years (before and after having my children) and kept it flexible enough to fit around chores and childcare, and only recently went into a 9-5 situation, and the adjustment to being away/working 8-9 hours a day has not been the easiest.

To be fair we do the best we can with our full time jobs so sometimes I do wonder if I just have unrealistic expectations.

What is Ramen?

OP, I'm in a similar position with 3 DC under the age of 7, full-time term-time job, and DH and I do a similar 'shift pattern' of doing work outs.

On my designated workout evenings, I put the baby down, put on my gym clothes, say 'bye' to DH who does bedtime with the other two DC, and go and enjoy my 2 hours. If there is housework to do, too bad, it waits until tomorrow.
I don't do anything during school holidays except chill and take care of the DC. I definitely don't spend it running myself ragged and stressing about the house!

You have to prioritise your health because no one will do that for you. Read that again. No one will take care of your health except you. Housework can wait. Laundry can wait. The DC can watch some TV and eat ramen. No one is going to die.

Once I get through these years in the trenches, I want to make sure that I've taken good care of myself, that I'm in a good place mentally, and that I am still 'me'. No one else can do that for you. It's worth unpacking some of your feelings around your martyrdom.

All of us mums are likely in perimenopause -- when you reach this age your bone density starts to get lower. Your calcium/iron needs are always higher than that of men. Strength training helps with all of the changes that happen around menopause and gets you a lower likelihood of things like osteoporosis and fractures (iirc) though I would be interested to hear what the PP's doctor said too!

@Chalatte he did nothing wrong regarding the gym he offered to cancel .

But…. You have to have a word with him about running the house properly and parenting .
Explain what you have said here that if you had gone to the gym it would have been double the work later or the next day.

You did make the choice to fill the days with other stuff .
Yes the kids can help but what you are really asking is your dh to step up some more .

To be fair we do the best we can with our full time jobs so sometimes I do wonder if I just have unrealistic expectations
Don't gaslight yourself Op
It's perfectly reasonable for your DH to feed the children whatever he feels is best when he's parenting but it's not ok to leave a huge mess everywhere.
He's an adult not a child.
It's sort of a sneaky punishment for you if you go out and it is NOT on!
I would be having firm words

I'm puzzled about the confusion over this word.

in an asian restaurant , noodles in broth with all the toppings is also ramen. But thats' not what I was referring to...

I generally call instant noodles ramen. What would y'all call it?

Instant noodles, pot noodles.

Are you American OP? 'Ramen' tends to be an American term. In the UK we would usually say instant noodles or something

Despite him telling me to "take today off" and that"he'd cancel if I booked"

YABU. He told you to go and you didn’t. You could of said “ok I will go, oh and when you feed the kids will you wash the pots so I don’t have to do them when I’m back”

I learned in my first year of marriage that hinting to men is a complete waste of time. Just tell the fuckers what you want.

He said he'd cancel if you wanted, so why didn't you just say, yes please!?

Why you spending your holiday doing deep cleaning anyway? Perhaps ask him about getting a cleaner.

Ramen isn't an American term. It's an Asian dish.

But it's not instant noodles. Those are.....instant noodles.

I know but it's always hear Americans refer to 'Ramen' and I've never heard anyone in UK say that

Never?

I say it when I order it in Wagamama, or the local Japanese restaurant, or if I make it at home (rare, though, but I have done). I don't go around just saying it for no reason. And I don't think Americans refer to pot noodles as ramen.

Yes, ‘ramen’ here would be more likely to imply an actual dish that involved cooking, like noodles in a meat broth with vegetables, egg etc.

I feel like this is about more than just the gym and rather you feel like you can’t take “time off” as nothing gets done in your absence and you come back to things worse than when you left. You need to speak to your DH.

I walked into the house a tip one day after I’d spent the whole of the previous day cleaning it, and I burst into tears in front of DH. He was actually horrified. You need to be specific and clear with our expectations - I leave lists for DH when I go out as he won’t think ahead to do anything and he’ll forget otherwise. I told him that I refused to be the only person doing any form of housework when we are both grown adults. He innocently said “but you enjoy it”!!! I put my foot down. Didn’t make DH step up as such, but he did hire a cleaner once a fortnight to help take the load off me.

Set your gym days/sessions and make them non-negotiable OP. Think about how good you’ll feel once you’ve done it and forget about the house and kids for a minute. On a side note, are you maybe doing too many to realistically fit in? Pre-child I worked out 5-6 days a week, every evening till gone 7pm, and I tried to go back to that after DS. It was absolutely impossible to fit it in around a full time job, being home for DS and managing the house. And I felt like crap every time I missed a workout. So I reevaluated it and set a more realistic schedule. I now only do 2 evenings per week (set PT classes so I can’t move them) and one lunch break run instead, with a long family walk on a weekend and a home workout. I try to be active on my rest days and walk to pick DS up from nursery as often as I can. DH and I have worked out our routine to allow me those 2 evenings, and I give him 2 evenings as well. I also got some basic workout equipment for home so on days I have DS I plonk DS in front of the TV and do a quick 20-30 min workout. If you can justify the cost I’d highly recommend.

If lunch is an issue with your DH, why not put a packed lunch up for the kids or leave some leftovers to heat up? Make a bit extra for dinner the night before. Do they really need all these play dates or are you creating extra work for yourself? Surely one or two over the half term is fine? You don’t have to do everything OP, and you can’t pour from an empty cup - prioritise yourself and your health and get to that gym, and speak to your DH.

Yes have seen it in Asian restaurants but feel like Americans refer to alot of noodle dishes as 'Ramen'

I just googled and this popped up (images attached)

Getting my exercise session in is non-negotiable for me. I do twice a week, an hour each session. Even if the house is a total shit tip, I skip out the door and go and get the endorphins flowing, then come back to the house feeling like a much calmer and motivated person, ready to face whatever awaits me with a positive attitude - and thats why I do it. It helps me face life and has improved my relationship, and my time with my DD.

I actively would decline invites to things that meant I wasn't able to get my workout in. If you keep shifting your schedule around and missing workouts because of other things, you're not getting the full benefits and resentment builds. Instead of having a vague "I might go on these days of the week" I think you need to firm up a realistic schedule you can stick to. Two sessions a week is doable for most people, however busy their lives are. Don't keep swapping and changing.

You need to spell out to him what housework needs to be done (yes I get that we shouldn't have to be the "manager" of housework, but I think you have to be sometimes if you want to feel that they are actually doing the things you need them to do). "I'm going to the gym now, please put this chicken in the oven for 1hr so we can eat it when I get home. Please unload the dishwasher and set it going again. Bye".

I probably picked that term up up from American YouTube shows then!

Many of you are asking me to communicate with him. I tell him plenty
I don't want to nag but I unfortunately do have to. I don't yell I rinse and repeat what I've said everyday, like talking to a child. Eventually I'll get frustrated and snap or give him an ultimatum

I have to chase him everyday until he does a thing
I give him ultimatums and say if you don't I'll get around to it, then he does it. I've asked him to do something he won't do it until I get started and then he comes to help, 😵‍💫
There's things he's meant to do like call the plumber or my parents (about property related admin ) an d I've had to chase him everyday for weeks before he will do it
I'm tired of it and don't want to keep asking him
He says he has no time
But he will game
Gym
Park himself on the sofa
Just won't do anything saying he has no mental heads pace for it

I sort of understand him as I've had a chronic condition a few years ago that's now medicated that prevented me from doing anything. I understand being tired and mentally drained and unmotivated to do things

But at the same time these things need doing or our house will be a tip /plumbing will remain broken/property won't maintain itself etc

I agree with this ^^

However I wouldn't personally leave my DH a list of jobs to do. It feels a bit like you are dictating to them and I know my DH doesn't respond well to being given orders. No-one likes a list of jobs to be done (do they?) I know I would hate it if my DH went out to work and left me a list of things to complete while he was at work.

What happened to just basic communication? 'I am going to the gym now, while I am out it would be helpful if you could fold the laundry and if you could put the plates away after lunch that would be good too, it will save me having to do it when I get back, thanks?'

They refer to instant noodles as ‘ramen’. There are entire supermarket aisles and (quite passionate) subreddits dedicated to them.

I don't yell I rinse and repeat what I've said everyday, like talking to a child.

I suppose I’m wondering what you’re actually saying. There’s a difference between ‘please help with X’, which is what I suspect you’re saying, and ‘X is just as much your job as mine, why aren’t you doing it? I didn’t sign up for this lazy sexist bollocks’, which is what I think you should be saying.

I give him ultimatums and say if you don't I'll get around to it, then he does it.

Thats not what an ultimatum is. Threatening to do the work yourself isn’t exactly causing him hardship.

Were you with him when you were unable to do things? Did he step up then?

@LuckySantangelo35 weight training helps with bone density and can slow down the development of osteoporosis. I was also encouraged to eat green leafy vegetables and pulses. Several generations of women in my family have osteoporosis so I take it pretty seriously, hated weight lifting at first but now I love it and I’m officially a bore so will stop there!!