When a relative bites your child

[Roberta2020]

I don't want to delve into details, because I am still angry about it.
Let's just say that a relative on my husband's side bit my child to teach them 'how it feels when you bite your brother'.
I was raised to be respectful of elders, so obviously I said nothing and consoled my screaming child, but since then I have felt unable to leave my child alone around that relative.
The relative in question, after saying 'I did it for his own good', changed their tune and started saying they did not do it in front of my husband. My child is adamant he was bitten.
I trust my child. I am not willing to leave him alone with that relative again.
Am I being unreasonable? Am I being too much? Should I give them the benefit of doubt?

I did the same not hard but they also never did it again. I honestly dont think they know how much it hurts. But I would be livid it someone else did that to my child though

I know. Its a shame people are stupid enough to think that's how children learn.

There is a huge amount of difference between ignoring your child’s bad behaviour and letting it continue and biting or hitting them.

Neither is correct. Most parents manage to strike a balance. Mine never went through a biting phase but did experiment with slapping when he was about 2. Not actual really slapping, mind - more swiping at you. I told him no very firmly, we do not behave that way. He stopped and never did it again. He is also well adjusted, successful in every way possible and very close to me.

Bite the relative to show them it hurts and they shouldn't do it again. Then tell your child it is only okay to bite people when teaching them that biting us wrong... 🤔

Seriously though, your kid shouldn't bite others. Neither should your relative...

They both need a time out!

Would you do this for kicking, punching, pushing behaviour?
Or just biting?

If you’re comfortable with people doing. Stuff to your kids that a few miles away is considered illegal and would send them to jail then that’s up to you.

My post literally said I don't agree with people physically disciplining children that aren't theirs.. yet you've replied specifically to say that I must be okay with it??

Okay then.

I agree. When young, one of my aunts was visiting us with her daughter who bit my sister (this cousin was known for this type of behaviour). My aunt and my mum saw her do it from a distance, but my aunt did nothing, so my mum marched down the garden and bit my cousin on the arm and told her that's how it felt to be bit (despite her howling and little sympathy from her own mother, she learned her lesson).
Nevertheless @Roberta2020, I have voted YANBU - not about the relative biting your DC back per se, but because having admitted they did it, they then back-tracked and lied about it. They should be prepared to stand by what they did and not now try to make your child out to be a liar.

This is so bloody ridiculous. The relative assaulted the child. OP should not allow that person near her child and husband should feel the same. NC with that person wouldn't be out of line.

I'm almost 62 and I don't consider biting a child to teach them lesson appropriate in the least.

This!!!!! Exactly 👍🏻

And would do this for kicking, punching, pushing behaviour as well?
Or just biting?

This 100%. Let the police decide if it's not serious.

Bite them. See how they like it.

It’s like one of those really weird old wives tales that get passed around isn’t it? Specifically about biting… everyone just trots out “ah well just bite them back and they won’t do it again” without giving it any thought whatsoever. I kind of find it fascinating that people’s minds are so stunted in this way

I do wonder about all the people shouting this is abuse, this is cruelty, I'd call the police etc.. how they feel about the younger brother in this situation who is the victim of this child when he is 'tired and overstimulated' and the mum doesn't seem to be doing much about it?

I 100% don't agree with what has happened, and think it is up to the parents to decide what form discipline should take if any, but I do feel for the victims of children who's 'gentle parents' don't teach them any consequences for their actions and let them physically assault other children and say, 'oh dear, they didn't mean it they're just tired'.

obviously I said nothing

Call me radical but I personally think if you aren't going to protect and defend your children then you shouldn't have them. Where's your mama bear? It's not good for children to grow up knowing you won't have their backs when they are assaulted....

There’s a middle ground between abusing your kids and permissive parenting.

This is the hyperbole I was referring to…

Where does it say the OP never does anything about it? Who here is saying this child should face no consequences for their actions? Who here is saying “oh they don’t mean it, they’re tired” is an appropriate response? No one. Literally no one.

People saying it is inappropriate for an adult to bite a child are not therefore declaring lawless parenting where any and all unwanted behaviour goes entirely excused and unattended to. There are a plethora of ways to address this behaviour that doesn’t involve and adult causing physical harm to a child.

When our daughter was about three, she started kicking us if she didn’t get her way. As scoldings were doing nothing to stop this, my husband warned her that this behaviour was not an option and that if she didn’t stop, she would be kicked herself. A few days later, she kicked him, hard, in temper. He immediately kicked her back, not hard obviously, but enough to make her take notice. She was so shocked that her precious ‘can do no wrong’ daddy could do this that she never did it again, and you couldn’t find a closer relationship than his was with her. It lasted 50 or so more years until he died.

Because baby's brains are sooooooooooooo different from how they were years ago!

Bloody hell. What sort of a family were you raised in.

You were a child and your parents should have known better.

@ACatNamedRobin
The theory is that if you bite the child that bit, that they will understand what the pain is like, sympathise and react by not biting again. But for this understanding to take place, the child has to have something that psychologists call "Theory of Mind" aka TOM. This theory states that a child can understand the thoughts and behaviours of another child ie be able to put themselves in the other's shoes.

The thing is, children learn TOM at different ages and it is unlikely that any at 2 or 3 will understand how to put themselves in another's shoes. So learning by being hurt, doesn't really work in the way we expect. Instead, the child reacts from fear. They learn that if they hurt, they in turn will be hurt. It has nothing to do with understanding why it is wrong or how it makes the other person feel. Just how they, the child who bit, feels. Lots of studies around TOM in young children and Prof Robert Winston did some great programmes showing how this was explored in research.

Parenting, rightly, has moved on. Other studies show that children also learn by copying adult behaviour (it's why some children like having dolls or want to follow their parent in a sport). So if a parent is modelling the behaviour they want their child to copy, then chances are the child will do so. Stands to reason then that if the parent is biting the child, the child may continue to bite others.

It was the tradional way to stop a child biting.

It works.

It is only for biting? No one (apart from the DH above who kicked his daughter) seems to be answering whether they would also punch and kick their children.

And should siblings bite each other? Is that also ok?

I was raised to be respectful of elders,

Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

This attitude has caused such damage to so many people over the years.

An arsehole is an arsehole whatever their age.