When a relative bites your child

[Roberta2020]

I don't want to delve into details, because I am still angry about it.
Let's just say that a relative on my husband's side bit my child to teach them 'how it feels when you bite your brother'.
I was raised to be respectful of elders, so obviously I said nothing and consoled my screaming child, but since then I have felt unable to leave my child alone around that relative.
The relative in question, after saying 'I did it for his own good', changed their tune and started saying they did not do it in front of my husband. My child is adamant he was bitten.
I trust my child. I am not willing to leave him alone with that relative again.
Am I being unreasonable? Am I being too much? Should I give them the benefit of doubt?

Where does it say the OP never does anything about it?

just reading between the lines to be fair, could be completely wrong:

I immediately took my child away and acknowledged his pain and told him that what they did to him was wrong, then left with him.

What about the little brothers pain? no mention of a consequence there, maybe the other relative stepping in OP felt there was well over the top and no further action was needed, or maybe she had no intention of correcting it. Who comforted the brother that had been bitten?

My child is incredibly caring towards his little brother, with just some rough moments when he is tired or overstimulated

She mentions here that he is rough with the little brother when he is tired and overstimulated, no mention of what action is normally taken, it seems like saying assaulting the younger child is being excused because he is tired and overstimulated so has no control over his actions.

plus the fact that a family member has suddenly, and seemingly out of the the blue, stepped in in a way they never have before seems to indicate that OP is perhaps not correcting this rough behaviour effectively.

I see a LOT of gentle parenting and I do think it has a place, but when other kids are getting hurt because your parenting method is not an effective enough deterrent it is time to look at it again.

My MiL recommended this approach when my child bit. I did not follow her advice.

Biting a child is disgusting. They'd never see my child again.

Someone did this to me when I was little. I bit their daughter, so they bit me. I was a vicious bugger for biting - it was not effective, as I was happy to bite her back harder than she was me, so I did. I remember it all very clearly (I'd have been about 2.5/3).

My mum went for her with a crowbar. She often did irregular and times abusive things, my mum, but that one seemed fair enough in many ways. Not that I'd do it myself. You shouldn't be biting kids, as an adult. There are better ways to deal with things. You should be defending your kids if some dip shit bites them (though not with a crowbar...). Don't be leaving your DD with them again; definitely tell them why.

Was it an actual bite, with teeth marks left? Or the ‘threat’ of a bite where the teeth touched the skin but didn’t actually bite?

A four year old should know not to bite.

I am generally not a massively rock the boat person but in that situation I would be raging, that person would be thrown out of my home before they could run and I would be reporting them to the police for assault and me and my child never seeing them again. Like WTF?!

Tell me , I work in a supermarket in a town that caters for tourists, we’ve at the moment got a 13 / 14 yr old who’s threatened our staff with a knife, another 14 yr old who’ with friends pinches bottles of alcohol , loads more who just come in and cause trouble , parents of the first two thinks the sun shines out of their arses, school couldn’t care less (when I was at said school if we’d not dare to do anything that would bring the schools name into disrepute), parents don’t care , police don’t care either, I’m sure though if one of the kids gets run over by one of our wagons , they all would start caring

that’s not to forget the mums and dads of younger kids, who walk around simpering at the 3-4 yr old “don’t do that darling mummy/daddy won’t be happy, come here and get a magazine instead

So should a grown ass adult know not to bite a young child 🤨🙄 Bizzare response…

An adult definitely should know not to bite then.

That’s why I’m asking if it was an actual bite or the threat of a bite?

Crikey, that's one strange relative. They bite s child, say they did it then say they didn't. So they assault and scare a child then call them a liar.

That's not the point. An 8 year old shouldn't punch but say they punch their brother, should I punch them? Obviously not.

My ‘kids’ are amazing and I couldn’t be more proud of them, we have a fantastic adult and equal relationship… In my DS’s words when we were bursting with pride at his graduation ceremony, he said “I am the product of good parenting”, further more neither of them are not afraid of me, in fact I found that particular statement you made hilarious 🤣🤣🤣
With respect you need to give your head a shake, clearly you believe you are right, and that’s fine because I don’t even know you, but your sweeping statements have no place in my life or my children’s lives, or in my quote.
Have a nice evening.

A 4 year old biting that's really bad. Far too old to not know better. Not your relatives place to discipline him though. But it was obvs a knee jerk reaction to a 4 year old thinking it was ok to bite. If my child came out with a bite from a 4 year old from school I'd be livid.

Thanks, I completely agree with this, I’m not arguing anything, and I do notice well behaved children. With respect you missed the point, it’s unreasonable for a parent to witness a child throwing food from a supermarket shelf and not educating that child right from wrong. She should’ve ‘helped’ DC to pick the items up and put them back on the shelf and explained why that kind of behaviour is unacceptable. It’s called parenting.

Thanks for your response, genuinely appreciated

Thanks for this, I had someone completely objecting to my post saying in so many words that I didn’t notice the well behaved children in the store 🙄
It’s as if some parents are totally ignoring inappropriate behaviour and accepting that it is ok, its like you say, simpering comments instead of being firm and letting the child know that that behaviour is not acceptable and will carry consequences. I used to tell mine, anymore of that and you don’t watch your favourite tv programme, and they knew that would happen. It seems kids are in charge now and parents are afraid to set boundaries.
Yes the teenagers walking into stores and taking what they please is happening all over, have to admit we haven’t had any knife incidents though, but kids just walking in taking alcohol of the shelves is regular. They are ferrel! It was unheard of when I was a teenager!

So it's ok for an adult to have a knee jerk reaction but not a 4 year old?

You're expecting more from the 4 year old than you are the adult. If an adult can't possibly control themselves with knee jerk reactions, how can a 4 year old be expected to?

Also worth remembering that most rational people do not accept child abuse and people that care for your DC have a duty to safeguard them. If a DC comes into nursery or school with an adult sized bite mark or tell school or nursery that an adult assaulted them, they have a duty to flag this with SS. I wonder if the posters will be sharing so proudly with SS that yes, they are child abusers.

Two wrongs don’t make a right. Hitting, biting, kicking are all unacceptable behaviours. Child to child it is not acceptable but adult to child is unspeakably awful because it’s an abusive situation. Adults are responsible for their behaviour in a way a child under the age of 10 isn’t and those actions would fall into the category of assault. Does that answer your question? If you genuinely can’t grasp why an adult returning the behaviour of a small child isn’t acceptable in any way then I hope you don’t have charge of young children.

Wow. This thread is insane.
I can’t believe the amount of people that think it’s fine to ‘bite a child back’ and think that that will teach them empathy. JFC

As the parent you model better behaviour. You explain why biting is wrong, you intervene when you see bad behaviour and you firmly say no. I guess you may also outline an additional consequence should that behaviour be repeated.
But no. I can’t see why anyone would think it’s a good idea to copy the exact behaviour you are explaining is wrong 🤦‍♀️

As long as it wasn’t done out of spite and it didn’t leave injuries, then I think you might be overacting.
A firm conversation about how parenting has changed and that it is against how you have decided to raise your child, therefore you don’t ever want to see it happening again, would be enough.

I hope when you told your child that the relative was wrong to bite, you also reinforced that he shouldn’t be biting either. That there is no excuse for anyone to bite.

Fucking barbaric behaviour.

I can understand you being so taken aback in the moment that you didn't say anything as it cam be hard to do so if it's not in your nature. However, you can now do two things: either speak to the person directly and explain what they did was wrong and make a judgement on how they react or just completely withdraw from them. They might get the message that way.

You can also use it as a learning opportunity for your child - what the adult did was wrong and no one has the right to hurt anyone else (including your child - although no judgement, they all have the potential to go through a biting phase). But do speak about healthy boundaries.

Nope. 👎
If someone bit my child they would be told exactly that they were an abusive twat that would never again be trusted around my child. It’s never ever okay.

Exactly.

Even if you do believe in biting children, you don't bite anyone else's child.

No excuse for it at all.