When a relative bites your child

[Roberta2020]

I don't want to delve into details, because I am still angry about it.
Let's just say that a relative on my husband's side bit my child to teach them 'how it feels when you bite your brother'.
I was raised to be respectful of elders, so obviously I said nothing and consoled my screaming child, but since then I have felt unable to leave my child alone around that relative.
The relative in question, after saying 'I did it for his own good', changed their tune and started saying they did not do it in front of my husband. My child is adamant he was bitten.
I trust my child. I am not willing to leave him alone with that relative again.
Am I being unreasonable? Am I being too much? Should I give them the benefit of doubt?

This is quite shocking - yes there will always be people that say I did this to my child to teach them a lesson… for the record I don’t agree with it even in this instance but the difference is it’s their own child who they choose discipline for. THIS WASNT A PARENT!! There is no way this is ever ever ok and if it’s dh relative he needs serious words

Where did I suggest that the OP was OK to bite her child?? I merely pointed out that it WAS NOT OK for anyone else to punish her child!

Here's an opinion - You were just a lazy, impatient, ill tempered parent who governed by fear. There were plenty of parents like you 30 years ago and plenty of 30 year olds in therapy (unknown to their parents) for various anxiety issues brought on from living in fear of corporal punishment. I guess the real measure of your success as a parent will be how much time your daughter spends with you when you're in need of care.

@HelenCurlyBrown

I don't understand why it's unspeakably awful to do to someone what they just did themselves to someone else??
Surely it's the most natural consequence of their action?

Noone has answered the question, there's just outrage at it being asked.

A horse bit me once.

I made damn sure to bite it back so it could learn what it felt like & to never do that again. 🙄

What do you do when your child bites their brother?

I agree, my son was regularly bullied at school by a group of boys and teachers did nothing inspite of my repeated complaints. This was 1990’s when I guess attitudes were different.
In the end I told DS next time anyone punched or kicked him to punch him back good and hard in the face. My DS punched him so hard he broke his own hand, however those boys never bullied my DS ever again, in fact no one did and the remainder of his school days were pleasant.
When a teacher asked my DS why his hand and arm were in plaster he said ‘I punched Robert Davis in the face sir’ the teacher said ‘Well done boy, he had that coming’.

Same happened to me. I firmly said no, that hurts, took them off the boob and placed them down and it never happened again. Who knew!

I am often reminded that half the population has below average intelligence.

Was there no mark or anything? Saying your child is 'adamant they were bitten' and you were there in the immediate aftermath leads me to think there was no evidence of it? Was the child shocked rather than hurt? Surely you would have seen some sort of mark if they were bitten?

IMO no adult should EVER physically discipline another child that isn't theirs, and I would be furious about it, but I don't actually disagree with the method used as an effective consequence.

I do think people labelling this as abuse is quite insulting, and those talking about calling the police?? Come on now.

Of course. If you teach your children that violence is an appropriate response to violence then that is the lesson they internalize.

'My parents smacked me and it never did me any harm' is an oft-heard protestation, usually used in justification for meteing out a slap or two to their own children in anger/retaliation for poor behaviour. This is teaching them, as they were taught by their own parents, to perpetuate a cycle in which being lashed out at justifies the response of lashing out in anger in turn. And so it continues.

By this reckoning, it did do them harm.

I disciplined my DC for biting, which seemingly came from nowhere and was a piece of behaviour they never repeated. This involved no slapping, counter-biting, shouting or otherwise abusive behaviour on my part. It's completely unnecessary and poor parenting, showing nothing other than a lack of control and a temporary release of their own anger whilst teaching their kid this is an appropriate response. Nor is it generational. My grandparents, born in the 1920s, would never have dreamed of doing this.

If you can't control yourself then you're not fit to instil discipline in others.

Plenty of people teach child not to
bite without biting their children. I have never bite my children, they got out of the biting stage.

In the part of the country I live in it is abuse and it is illegal and so of course I would call the police. If you’re comfortable with people doing. Stuff to your kids that a few miles away is considered illegal and would send them to jail then that’s up to you.

No adult should ever physically discipline a child.

Full stop.

It doesn't work as multiple studies have shown, irrespective of the fact that it's abuse.

If an adult bit another adult it would rightly be deemed to be assault. How can anyone possibly argue it shouldn't be the same for a child being bitten by an adult?

It's a valid and effective way of teaching about biting, but it's up to parent to choose this method or not. And the bite should be given by the parent too. Your relative overstepped.

A lorry ran me over so I ran over the lorry.

I would have absolutely nothing to do with this particular individual. Ever.
If they ever come looking for you to do something for them, or anyone in your family (so your DH or any of your kids), I'd do my best to make it as difficult as possible for them to help out too.

How dare they!

I think a swift punch to the face the next time you see them would sort that out. I'd say "As DChild wasn't able to do this, I think it's only fair and right that I do it on their behalf." , followed by a very chilling "Don't you ever touch my child again or it will be the last thing you ever do!"

You speak utter rubbish, some kids are ferrel because their parents are either too busy, too tired or can’t be bothered to teach them right from wrong.
If our kids hurt each other they got back what they gave out from me. Guess what, we have an excellent loving well balanced loving relationship with our adult DD and DS, and they are successful in every possible way.
I saw a child in Sainsbury’s a while back, about 4 yrs old, dragging stuff off the shelves and throwing it on the floor, the mother did nothing. If that’s today’s parenting then something has gone seriously wrong!

your kids are absolutely in therapy. They just haven’t told you, because they’re still scared of you.

I hope you took a picture for proof should you need it

Weak argument when you use one example to try and prove your point. There would have been plenty of children behaving perfectly in Sainsburys and you didn’t notice them.

This is appalling! Your parents stapled your finger?!

Both my parents and in-laws are in their 70s and have never and would never do any of these things, it might have been a bit more common back then but it certainly wasn’t universal. They never smacked us or hit us either.

I’m horrified that some posters on this thread think this is ok.

Out of interest, do your DC have children yet? I didn't realise how bad mine were until I was a parent myself. I would certainly never leave my DC with them. Many of us have managed to raise kind, respectful DC without abusing them and guess what, because of that ours are less likely to become child abusers themselves.

They wouldn't be seeing either me or my child again.

I think while biting your child for biting may well be effective in stopping them doing it again (because they are scared to) it’s not a good approach because it’s still teaching them being violent is an appropriate response to being hurt. Our youngest bit our eldest on a couple of occasions. First time we separated them, one of us checked eldest was ok/calmed her down while other said firmly “No we never bite” to little sis. Second time I split them up said same and youngest wasn’t allowed back in soft play for duration of session. She has never done it again. I felt like not being allowed to play if you can’t be trusted not to hurt the other kids was a good natural consequence. There is an argument letting another child bite them back might also be a good natural consequence. Certainly ify kids do something mean to each other I sometimes let that be the end of it at the time and just remind them later when they’ve calmed down how much they were upset by each other so that’s why we don’t do it. I don’t think an adult doing it can be construed as at all proportionate. I don’t think the age of the adult involved matters. That said it’s not the end of the world. I think reporting to the police or never seeing the relative again are quite extreme. I think not leaving child alone with them again seems pretty sensible.