When a relative bites your child

[Roberta2020]

I don't want to delve into details, because I am still angry about it.
Let's just say that a relative on my husband's side bit my child to teach them 'how it feels when you bite your brother'.
I was raised to be respectful of elders, so obviously I said nothing and consoled my screaming child, but since then I have felt unable to leave my child alone around that relative.
The relative in question, after saying 'I did it for his own good', changed their tune and started saying they did not do it in front of my husband. My child is adamant he was bitten.
I trust my child. I am not willing to leave him alone with that relative again.
Am I being unreasonable? Am I being too much? Should I give them the benefit of doubt?

Wtaf? Your parents stapled you?! That's horrific. And even worse that you think it's somehow justifiable.

You said nothing?!

FFS stand up for your child.
That is physical assault by an adult on a child.
I'd be get out of my house, you're not welcome here, ever, & I don't want to see you, in any circumstances.

So did the relative admit it in front of you and then deny it in front of your husband?

You say the relative was saying "it's for his own good" but also saying you believe your child, but if the relative has admitted it in front of you, it isn't really a question of who to believe is it?

What did you say at the time, and what was said when he denied it in front of your husband?

This is beyond fucked up. So in your world a toddler headbutts a man during a tantrum so it's ok for the man to headbutt the child back? As I said, beyond fucked up.

I don't know what to put because you were being unreasonable not having a massive go at the lunatic who bit your child. I'd have been incandescent.

Sensible post.

Yes I did this with my DD, not hard, but like you enough so she understood it hurt. She never did it again as she realised there would be consequences, and that biting people really hurts.
However it was inappropriate for the family relative to do this and if anyone had done this to my child they would’ve felt my wrath!

Who does your husband believe?

Of course you don't leave them with that relative again.

Who knows what else they might do?

This is why respect shouldn't automatically be given just because of age imo.

It’s common, but that doesn’t mean it’s acceptable or desirable behaviour. And there are plenty of methods for disciplining a biting child without biting them back. Hence why my child did it a couple of times and no longer does. I’m by no means a “gentle parenter”, quite strict in fact, but still think biting a child is terrible parenting.

It’s almost like you need to caricature modern parents to shift the attention from such terrible parenting back in the ‘80s.

My dad bit me once. I bit him, hard, on the fleshy part of his ass while he was having a pee. I have a very vivid memory of the whole thing.

It's maybe not a great thing to do, but tbh I am not convinced it's really the end of the world either. I certainly took the lesson that biting really hurts and I shouldn't do it to other people.

Thank you for all your messages.
The story behind a person is always more complex than a few lines can explain - it's especially difficult to talk back when you have been raised no to talk back and to bow to older people. Different cultures, different habits that become ingrained. Having said that, nobody ever bit me or hit me to teach me something.
I do kick myself for not being able to shout at that relative at that time. It would have been the appropriate response. I immediately took my child away and acknowledged his pain and told him that what they did to him was wrong, then left with him. I had not foreseen something like that would happen.
My child is incredibly caring towards his little brother, with just some rough moments when he is tired or overstimulated. He is only 4.
Anyway, thank you for all of your messages. They helped me make up my mind. I will be addressing this with my husband.

I too am interested to know...
A) what OPs method of stopping her child from biting is and...
B) Since this incident, has child bitten again?

It may be missing the point but I do think if it curbs the behaviour and child doesn't do it again...hey ho.

Also, I do believe if this is a relative that loves your child and you have trusted up till this point, having a conversation to say please don't do that again, should be enough.

I also think having 1 awkward conversation with a family member is a lot better than having a bunch of nursery or school mums angry with you because your child thinks it OK to bite....

All of the people screaming abuse on here would be livid if their Child was bitten by another and the other parent was apologetic but had nothing in place to stop the behaviour.

Ah..so OK to assault them then…

Did it leave a mark?

As I understand it, smacking and other forms of corporal punishment are legal as long as it isn't severe enough to leave a mark.

While you might not agree with it, people have different ideas about how to discipline children.

Absolutely agree, I can’t bear this assumption that nobody thought abusive practices were wrong back in the day, they did. My parents would be in their eighties now and didn’t even smack us.

They’re not legal in Scotland. Very very much illegal.

Op if you or your dh had discussed this and agreed it was a parenting method you both agreed on then fair enough.. But an adult not a parent of a dc taking it upon themselves to do it is bad.. Really bad....
You would have to wonder what other parenting 'skills 'they were happy to administer when you weren't around.

When you have a child you start looking forward not back. Forward on to how you want them to grow up. Not back to when you were a child when it is to the detriment of your child. Child before parents, grandparents, always in cases of abuse and violence at least. Caveat as I know what posters are like.

Exactly.

Nothing could induce me to bite my own child. I don’t think any form of violence towards children is acceptable and it’s commonly accepted now that hurting a child is more likely to result in that child thinking hurting others is acceptable.

An adult should never ever bite a child (or hit them or smack them etc)

@MumCanIHaveASnackPlease

Yes I think that Scotland has different laws, but in England it's legal to smack your own child, or somebody else's, as long as it's 'reasonable' punishment (whatever that means).

When I was growing up it was normal to smack kids so I imagine that a lot of older people still have that opinion and don't see anything wrong in it.

My three year old sister bit my grandmother who bit her back. There was no mark, no blood, just a shock. My sister never bit anyone again.

Is the child who was bitten four?

You don't even need to trust your child because the relative admitted they did it. I wouldn't let them see my child again.

I’m Scottish so this is insane to me. Absolute madness.