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Original poster

Punished for 'affair'?

296 replies

HeyDrake · 19/02/2025 17:54

My ex moved out a while ago after I told him that I had been seeing someone else. The relationship had been dead for ages, and I was upfront that he should move out and had been saying so since last May.
Since then he has been refusing to have our children on the night time/ evening so I can go out. He has one child in the day but not both. Do you think this is fair? The relationship is over, now all he is doing now is punishing our children. And me.
Can I make him realise that I have the right to a private life and time to myself? Can I go to court and could they enforce this?

OP posts:
mumofoneAlonebutokay · 19/02/2025 17:56

He can't be forced to take the kids, he can only force you to give them to him

Sounds immature tbh, but I'd be sorting other arrangements for childcare where possible

Don't argue with him or anything, that's what he wants x

ValentinesGranny · 19/02/2025 17:56

No one can be forced to parent, regardless of whether it's a dick move.

PullTheBricksDown · 19/02/2025 17:58

Book a babysitter. Don't give him the power over your social life.

How often is he seeing the kids now?

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 19/02/2025 17:58

No you can't force him.

Why don't you just give custody to him and you have the kids every other weekend and one night in the week?

steff13 · 19/02/2025 17:58

He can't be forced to take the kids, even with a court-order. He sounds like a twatwaffle but you're going to have to hire a babysitter if you want to go out.

UndermyShoeJoe · 19/02/2025 17:59

You can’t force a parent who doesn’t want to parent to parent.

You’ll just have to get a baby sitter.

Floraandfoliage · 19/02/2025 17:59

I have no advice but sending 💐 to you because you’re dealing with so much.

Newbutoldfather · 19/02/2025 18:07

He is being a dick to his children and, if he persists, he will lose his relationship with them.

But you had an affair and he has to move out? In what world is that not a dick move?

You both sound very immature. He should be wanting to see more of his children. You should be looking to deescalate and get to a position where you can coparent effectively, not focus on your social life.

Original poster
HeyDrake · 19/02/2025 18:09

@Newbutoldfather but he would never have stayed in the house as he would then have to have the children all time, and he works. Where would I have gone?

OP posts:
Whaleandsnail6 · 19/02/2025 18:13

Your affair is separate to him having the kids...he is punishing them with this behaviour.

How old are the kids? He needs to work out a proper contact schedule for them, he's being massively unfair to them.

Why is he only having one child?

Original poster
HeyDrake · 19/02/2025 18:14

@Whaleandsnail6 so that I always have a child with me and can't go doing shots at the local bar or whatever he thinks I'm doing.

OP posts:
WompWompBoom · 19/02/2025 18:16

How old are the children?

I'd be clear both children are available at x and he's not just taking one. It's both or nothing. Then sort yourself some childcare out that's not him.

GloriousTuga · 19/02/2025 18:16

HeyDrake · 19/02/2025 18:14

@Whaleandsnail6 so that I always have a child with me and can't go doing shots at the local bar or whatever he thinks I'm doing.

He sounds annoying and frustrating. But can’t you book a babysitter?

YoungGunsHavingSomeFunCrazyLadiesKeepEmOnTheRun · 19/02/2025 18:20

This is a really common tactic.

These types of men do everything in their power to make life difficult for you, see also pretending the kids are ill so they interrupt your night, and using maintenence to effect your finances. They are usually always the first ones to introduce new girlfriends after a week and all of a sudden be dad of the century as well.

Court, unfortunately, just requires that the dc are made available for contact, they don't require the contact to be adhered to.

Find a babysitter and tell him nothing about any aspect of your personal life, including when you have a babysitter arranged.

You've got many years of this shit left, he's unreliable, so you need to find a reliable alternative.

ThatUniqueKoala · 19/02/2025 18:21

So you cheated on him? Yeah you slightly deserve it.

Original poster
HeyDrake · 19/02/2025 18:21

My child has SEN and would not go to a babysitters. They aren't in school due to their needs.

OP posts:
Original poster
HeyDrake · 19/02/2025 18:22

@ThatUniqueKoala I told him it was over multiple times. We weren't sharing a bed.

OP posts:
Newbutoldfather · 19/02/2025 18:23

@HeyDrake ,

’ but he would never have stayed in the house as he would then have to have the children all time, and he works. Where would I have gone?’

Do you not work or intend to work now that you are split?

Where did he move out to? He still needs to be able to accommodate his children.

Once you split everything is up for negotiation including who has to work, who stays in the nice house etc etc. You don’t just get to keep being supported, gym in the morning and your lover in the evening when the kids are with your ex.

However, that doesn’t excuse the way he is treating his children. They will see through him if he persists.

KimP85 · 19/02/2025 18:24

There's nothing you can do to make him have the kids but if it was me I wouldn't let him take one without the other, there I would put my foot down.

DarkDarkNight · 19/02/2025 18:25

He’s obviously trying to maintain control over you as you have worked out. I would grey rock him, don’t kick up a fuss, don’t try to talk him round, don’t let him see it annoys you.

Do you have family or friends who can babysit? Don’t rely on him, he will mess you around and chop and change. Just arrange friends or family or paid babysitters when you need.

Snorlaxo · 19/02/2025 18:25

Court won’t enforce it and your ex’s behaviour is a common way for abusers to make sure that their ex can’t go out and have fun/sex while he has the kids. Once he finds a new gf, be prepared for him to change again and either have both kids less or drastically more so he can show his new gf what a great dad he is.

FairyMaclary · 19/02/2025 18:28

Unfortunately an affair will often change the dynamics of the separation. If you only cheated last year there is a good chance he is still traumatised - cheating causes a form of ptsd in some betrayed people. Cheating changes the way you see someone - good will disappears. There’s a book called ‘cheating in a nutshell’ by Mitchell and Mitchell, this may help you understand how he now sees you.

You may have thought it was dead, maybe he didn’t. Maybe he thinks your behaviour was poor. Now he is pissed off and has found a way to annoy you while spending quality one on one time with the kids during the day. The kids may appreciate one on one time with each of you.

You need to assume he won’t ever have both in the evening and organise a baby sitter.

Random question but have you apologised to him for cheating and made it clear you were out of order?

livingonaprayer321 · 19/02/2025 18:31

Why didn't you just end it BEFORE you had an affair???
You say your marriage was already over ...clearly your husband didn't think so!
He's hurting!!
He doesn't know how to deal with it ..he's trying to stop you for continuing seeing this "other man" ....you married him, you obviously loved him at some point so have some compassion
What if the shoe was on the other foot????

YoungGunsHavingSomeFunCrazyLadiesKeepEmOnTheRun · 19/02/2025 18:34

livingonaprayer321 · 19/02/2025 18:31

Why didn't you just end it BEFORE you had an affair???
You say your marriage was already over ...clearly your husband didn't think so!
He's hurting!!
He doesn't know how to deal with it ..he's trying to stop you for continuing seeing this "other man" ....you married him, you obviously loved him at some point so have some compassion
What if the shoe was on the other foot????

If the shoe was on the other foot then the op would be accused of using her children as a pawn because her ex hurt her and would get told to put her children first. Just like this man should be doing.

Original poster
HeyDrake · 19/02/2025 18:36

@FairyMaclary you're mistaken, I didn't cheat last year. I have been telling him that it is over since last May. I have been telling him over and over and over that this is not a relationship, we are not together and I need him to move out as i cannot move out as I don't work due to caring responsibilities.
I didn't meet someone until very recently, and as soon as I did I told my ex, before anything had happened with the other person.

OP posts: