Punished for 'affair'?

[HeyDrake]

My ex moved out a while ago after I told him that I had been seeing someone else. The relationship had been dead for ages, and I was upfront that he should move out and had been saying so since last May.
Since then he has been refusing to have our children on the night time/ evening so I can go out. He has one child in the day but not both. Do you think this is fair? The relationship is over, now all he is doing now is punishing our children. And me.
Can I make him realise that I have the right to a private life and time to myself? Can I go to court and could they enforce this?

I don't think anyone is rattled here? Not sure why you're talking about how long women have done it alone, or if they are capable of doing so.

Just pointing out the obvious - a few hours during the day here or there is hardly quality 121 time with kids, and rarely to their benefit.

Firstly, you didn't have an affair.
Secondly, I hope the door hits Marg in the arse on the way out.
Lastly I think people are overestimating how easy it would be to get a decent babysitter for a high needs child. You're right that their dad should absolutely be stepping up but we both know he won't.
One day when he is all alone and his kids couldn't give a shit about him he will regret this.

So OP should move out with the kids ? If he’s not willing to have them overnight, in what world do you think he’d be willing to have custody ? Sounds like the relationship was dead long before OP had the affair, but it was probably the catalyst to end things properly.

Does one have SEN or both?

I think if you're going to say you had an "affair" when you did not actually have an affair, you should probably clarify that in your OP if you don't want people to get the wrong end of the stick.

Do you have a point? Are you implying the op is helpless? Could you explain in what way? I can’t work it out myself. Also, are you trying to say that single mums deserve no respite whatsoever, including single mums with special needs children who can’t go to school, or be left with babysitters? Are you this brutal to everyone in real life? I can just imagine. What’s that Bobby? Just broke your ankle? And you ..: want me to carry you to the hospital? Oh Bobby, kids have been breaking bones for centuries, you’re not helpless, get yourself there and stop whining while you’re at it.

oh also, why do you give dads a complete free pass here, since the whole post you quoted was about dads, and yours was just women can get the fuck on with it?

A babysitter sounds like her only option if there are no other family members who could give her a break, but unfortunately finding a reliable babysitter who can manage a complex needs child is a huge struggle in itself.

sometimes you can do everthing you can to do the right thing and still be in the wrong.

All the best op

Yes, you have already made that point.

I take umbrage with your comment about not being rattled though.

… and I think YOU need to ask yourself why the wellbeing of the children isn’t uppermost on your thoughts and that anyone else’s posts!
misogyny! Total BS, don’t use that 💩 to detract from the fact that the needs of the children should come first by both OP and DH

The word 'affair' is in inverted commas. Most people would understand that this means it wasn't an affair at all!

Sadly the OP didn't grasp just how much some MN'ers want to kick someone when they're down and leap to conclusions...

@HeyDrake You can't make him.. so I'd stop wasting your energy in trying.

Better channelling that into finding a sitter who can start coming for short visits to make friends with your DC and become familiar and safe for them, with a view to being able to leave DC with sitter for short periods in the hopefully not too distant future.

It won't be easy, fuck all ever is, but a better use of your time, money and energy and good for your DC in the long run.

The quotation marks around affair clarifies that it wasn't an affair.

Is he of the opinion that the child that he doesn't take is not his child?

😂 I'm sorry I rattled you then. Perhaps in future you should question why your expectations on fathers actively parenting seem so low, and you won't be rattled when someone points out the problem with it.

The fact she had an "affair" makes absolutely no difference to the point she is making in her OP though - don't you get it? Her ex is a monumental twat, abusive and a peevish and useless father, but some people on here will use any excuse to stick the boot in to a woman who dared defy a man and use it as a means to piously make themselves feel superior in some strange way. He is using the "affair" (ie. Not really an affair as the relationship was clearly over) as an excuse to punish her - but posters such as yourself are instead focusing on the "affair" - it is irrelevant, that's the point she's making but some seem to find it hard to grasp. If it wasn't the "affair" he'd be using some other excuse to punish her. OP was simply asking if anything could be done about it - not for sanctimonious advice about her morals and sex life.

Well done for at least getting him out OP and if you did want the local rugby team to pork you on your imaginary night off id applaud that too 👏

Laughing when you apologise undermines your sincerity.

Shame - because I was looking for a random women, with nothing better to do than post on a parenting forum to educate me on my options about absent fathers tonight.

Hopefully you will do better next time.

Men don’t take the kids with them when they leave though do they ? And OP has been telling him the marriage was dead for some time, but seemingly he didn’t hear it until she told him she’d met someone else. She also told him about the other person before anything happened. How many men do that ?

He is being a shitty father, but there's nothing anyone can do to make him step up. He doesn't owe you anything anymore, he is however still a dad. I understand your focus on needing a break, my kids have SN and having them home 24/7 on your own is really hard and way to full on, but it is what it is. The focus however should be on him spending time with his kids, whats in their best interests. Id drop it for a little while, come back in a couple months and then focus on what outcomes are in the best interests of the chidren.

There's no way any of mine would go to a babysitter. When he has your DS with complex needs could you use a babysitter for your other DC then? Its during the day but you could at least get a few hours to yourself if that would work.

I agree that the "affair" which wasn't actually an affair is irrelevant. The point is, she can't force her ex to have her children overnight, whether she's a scarlet woman who shagged his entire Facebook friends list while they were still a couple or a paragon of virtue who merely held hands with another man after they'd been split up for six months.

So she has to find another solution.

No amount of posting on Mumsnet is going to change the situation, and so if the only point of posting here is to get sympathy from others, she should have been clearer about the fact that she didn't actually cheat on him, because it was not clear at all.

You're right, I'm not sorry - bemused you're rattled at all, but I think you've deserved the responses you've had from me and the other posters who have challenged you on this thread.

I'll keep pushing for absent father to be held to account, and supporting people like the OP when they question if they are reasonable to want more.

You can continue to exist as a random woman with nothing better to do than post on a parenting forum if that's how you see yourself I suppose?

This is fantastic @HeyDrake if you can write awesome comebacks like this, you could be a successful standup comedian. It is one of the best things I’ve read on the forum.

If you want to ‘push for absent fathers to be held accountable’ you need to start saying what you mean in a clear and concise way.

Have a think if MN is the best place to do this ‘pushing’. Maybe you just hear for the echo chamber but I’m sure even you can think of other places to ‘push’ where you can make real difference. Once you’ve improved your communication skills of course.

You have failed tonight but I’m sure you are well meaning and I’m glad I’ve been able to give some feedback to help you.

Keep on pushing x

Babysit? They're his children!! He's using them as a weapon and that's not OK. How do you think they feel when he only takes one of them?

You put “affair” in quotes I got it OP. He was hoping to wear you down and that you’d make it work by him just sticking around. now that hadn’t worked he’s trying a new way to be annoying.

don’t rise to it. Can you organise childcare for your non SEN child with your ex has your SEN child?
Don’t try to reason with him or acknowledge he is being absurd. He’ll soon get bored

One that can cope with a child with special needs? Will have to be trained? How many of them do you know?