Punished for 'affair'?

[HeyDrake]

My ex moved out a while ago after I told him that I had been seeing someone else. The relationship had been dead for ages, and I was upfront that he should move out and had been saying so since last May.
Since then he has been refusing to have our children on the night time/ evening so I can go out. He has one child in the day but not both. Do you think this is fair? The relationship is over, now all he is doing now is punishing our children. And me.
Can I make him realise that I have the right to a private life and time to myself? Can I go to court and could they enforce this?

Why did the OP say she had an affair in the thread title if she didn't actually have an affair though?

It makes no difference to the fact that she can't force her ex to have their children overnight but I'm sure the responses would have been more sympathetic.

Sounds like he is happy to have some 121 time with them 🤷‍♀️

I am also loving calm the fuck down Margaret! Op, you are amazing.

Of course I'm not referring to their dad as a babysitter. Their dad has made it clear he won't have them overnight. So the only option available to the OP (unless she has family around who can help out) is an actual babysitter.

Just like when married couples want to go out together, and have to leave their children with someone other than a parent.

Sounds like she did the right thing TBH if she’s married to someone that would spend less time with his kids to spite their mother.

Refusing to have either child in the night time or evening hardly sounds like quality 121 time. It sounds like the bare minimum, one step above nothing.

Ok…. I just thought that you couldn’t possibly be suggesting such a glaringly obvious thing that there must be some other layered meaning. Guess not.

You're entitled to your opinion but it doesn't help her right now.

Don't be daft.

I was responding to a post suggesting that she's not allowed to go out.

Of course she's allowed to go out.

But lots of people who are allowed to go out can only actually go out if they get a babysitter.

What an incorrect opinion to have.

I'm sorry OP, this is a serious subject but this is amazing!!

Ok, I don’t think she was being literal. But I’ll also literally try not to be daft, thanks.

Raise your standards. Father's who don't want 50/50, who refuse overnights, who essentially want to be disney dads etc are not something to aspire to find or enable.

I agree with others op that the way you've worded your title and your original post is misleading and is getting you a harsh response.

What he's doing is abusive and it's unacceptable however - while I appreciate you very much want and need time to yourself to have a break and refill your cup (as do we all) I think I'd need to be asking myself why I'd want him to do it if he doesn't want to. I don't want my ds going to anyone who doesn't want to have them. And I'm not sure I'd trust a man who acts that way to provide the level of care needed. I think if it were me, I'd be looking at other family for babysitting or hiring someone with the right credentials and introducing them slowly with you present initially until you're confident leaving them alone with your child and that relationship is steady. I would also be posting on one of the other boards for parents of children with different needs to see what others have done re:babysitting.

I think given the way he's behaving and the controlling, harassing and abusive behaviour the less you're beholden to him in any way the better.

In terms of your housing, is he still paying for that? Could you apply through your local council for housing independent of him?

@wecanonlydoourbest I think you need to ask yourself why you're posting things dripping with misogyny on here?

women have been able to raise children without men for centuries. we’re not all helpless.

Some of these responses are insane!

Lets nail her to the cross bc she had an "affair"- I'd argue it wasn't an affair anyway as she'd told him many times the relationship was over and to move out but he wouldn't accept it. She says it was over and they weren't sleeping together - I'm not surprised she went to such measures to get rid of him in the face of his stubbornness.

And for those suggesting she gets a babysitter - why the hell should she? He is their father - why should she always have at least one of the dc's with her (with complex needs no less) but he gets presumably plenty of free time when he has neither of them?

He is an abusive, childish twat OP but unfortunately as people have pointed out you cannot force him to be a decent and fair person. He wants to punish you.

Hopefully in time he'll calm down and realise he's being pathetic. In the meantime you'll have to look at other options (any trusted family members?)

Being able to raise a family as a single parent doesn't absolve men of their responsibility to their children.
Coming on a thread to position a father limiting his parental responsibilities so he can punish and control his ex as a positive thing, and fine because woman can be self sufficient is a warped take.

Lone parent doing it completely alone here - of course we CAN raise children without men. But acknowledging that a support system is crucial and being able to have some down time is crucial doesn't make lone parents helpless. It improves their mental health and resilience so they can be the best available for their children. Also, men SHOULD be held accountable for children they produce. Always financially and in person when that's what's best for the child.

Plenty of women are capable. We’re not all rattled over a random post on a parenting forum on a Wednesday evening.

This response
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Op put "affair" in inverted commas

Hardly her fault that the smartphone generation can only cope with headlines

I read all the OP's posts before I replied and it sounded very much like she had cheated on him. She didn't clarify that she hadn't until much later.

Nothing to do with the "smartphone generation" and everything to do with the OP making it sound like she had an affair (including using the actual word "affair") when she didn't.

Umm what? Is parenting your own children for a few hours a week babysitting now, and also you think even that should be totally optional in case the other parent DARES TO WANT A SOCIAL LIFE?? I totally agree, let me join your march. I’ll make some signs: what do we want?? NO PARENTING FOR DADS EVER!! NO SOCIAL LIFE ALLOWED FOR MUMS!! when do we want it?? NOW!!

People are suggesting she gets a babysitter because that is her only option if no one in her life will look after her children without being paid to do so.

What do you think using inverted commas means then?