Punished for 'affair'?

[HeyDrake]

My ex moved out a while ago after I told him that I had been seeing someone else. The relationship had been dead for ages, and I was upfront that he should move out and had been saying so since last May.
Since then he has been refusing to have our children on the night time/ evening so I can go out. He has one child in the day but not both. Do you think this is fair? The relationship is over, now all he is doing now is punishing our children. And me.
Can I make him realise that I have the right to a private life and time to myself? Can I go to court and could they enforce this?

I wasn't talking about the OP paying CM. I said her ex only has to pay CM. He doesn't have to see the children ever if he choses not to.

I never said they didn't. Of course the 'rules' apply equally. And if a 'non resident' parent mum wants to flake out on her children or say only one at a time, she's free to do so. But honestly, how many really would vs the non resident fathers?

Unfortunately there are no real hard and fast 'rules' when it comes to having vs not having the children. A court may order, but most of the time those orders are pretty toothless when it comes to enforcement. At least that's my understanding of UK law. Violation is a civil matter and you have to go back to court. We seem to have it a bit easier in the US, violation of a 'visitation' order by keeping the children is a criminal matter, not a civil one. But then who really wants to send the police to the other parent's home to 'retrieve' the children? I've known it to happen, and it wasn't very nice for the children. And in either country, NOT having the children isn't a 'violation' at all. Maybe it should be, but that's another issue. But as it is today what is one to do? Drop the DC on the other parent's doorstep and say "Here. They're yours until Sunday evening" and hightail it back to the car?

I'd say that it's pretty rare that a woman 'refuses' to have her children to spite her ex. I'd say the majority of women who wish to be spiteful are more likely to deny their ex access to the children.

Realistically, if someone leaves a relationship and takes the children, they are accepting that they will potentially be responsible for those children 100% of the time. Good fathers will want to see their children as much as possible and will go to court to ensure that if neccessary. But no one can make a father see his children, nevermind take them to facilitate his ex's social life.

I think this is two different things, he needs to see his kids yes but he doesn't have to do it to facilitate your social life. You lost the right to his support for you when shagged someone else.

Mrsvicarage
She isn't asking for his support. She is asking him to look after his children. Him deliberately choosing not to do this or to only look after one at a time means he is not fulfilling his responsibilities.

Ok, so you do think he should have his kids both at the same time minimum a few hours a week?

she can obviously work her social life around him if he actually did any consistent parenting. The only reason she’s asking him is because he does. not. Ever. Have. Both. His. Kids. Thats the entire problem here, that he’s a shitty shitty mcshitface dad. All the other questions would go away if he parented.

I call total bullshit on the theory that doing extreme childcare has made this man depressed and nasty. His first choice is practically zero childcare, and the nasty sounds like it’s fundamental to his personality. It is however quite possible that he did have to do some childcare when living with the op and that he classified say 8 hours a week as extreme childcare that he deserves to be freed from.

My dad cheated on my mum. I'm extremely glad my mum didn't decide she could then leave us with him full time, and no longer needed to bother parenting us due to that.

I also have to say that if I had no memories of myself and my siblings with my mum together, because she insisted on never having us at the same time to ensure my father couldn't see a woman ever, I'd find it hard to forgive her.

He must have done some childcare whilst he was with the OP or she wouldn't have had the time to see other men

One man, she only met him very recently, told the ex before anything happened (ex since she’d told him he was an ex for some time, he had just refused to accept it and move out). He promptly moved out and here she is.

that’s not evidence of significant parenting!! He might indeed have been amazing
, but it’s hard to imagine going from a good dad to refusing to see your children together or at all for more than a few hours a week.

This! I was beginning to think I was reading a totally different thread judging by some of the responses.
OP had the affair, told the ex to move out... and HE'S the one who's apparently being unreasonable!? Er... no.
I think this is what's meant by: 'You reap what you sow'. Just a shame there are kids involved.

Nope. OP ended the relationship and was then stuck in limbo because her ex refused to leave. OP didn’t say she ‘saw other people’ she said she met someone else - why are you and other posters trying to turn that into multiple men to suit your own narratives ? And it was only when OP told her ex she had met someone else that he decided to leave. OP is the full time carer for two children with SEN. Almost impossible for her to leave and disastrous for their children. Her ex knew that. That’s why he stayed put for as long as he did.

You were reading the right thread, but clearly not understanding it. When men move out after affairs it’s the affair that ends the marriage. Not so here - OP had ended the relationship some time ago, asking her ex to leave. He wouldn’t. So they lived separate lives under the same roof, until OP told him she had met someone else.

Men who leave after affairs don’t generally take their kids with them. OP was trapped in a marriage that was over in all but living arrangements and she was and is the full time carer for two children with significant SEN, one of whom needs 24/7 supervision.

So why should OP be the one to leave ? Her ex subjected them both to a miserable existence instead of facing up to the end of their marriage because he knew OP couldn’t easily leave. And people here are blaming OP ??!!

This. He effectively trapped OP by refusing to move out, because he knew it would be almost impossible for her to leave with the children. And where are posters getting ‘seeing other men’ from ? OP didn’t mention dating - she said she had met someone, which is totally different. I think this is one of the most misogynistic threads l’ve seen for a long time. Posters twisting everything OP said in order to make it her fault. It’s very sad that that’s coming from other women.

Show me where, in any of OP’s posts, she has said anything about seeing ‘other men’. She said she met someone. Totally different thing. Why are you excusing a man who is using his own children as weapons to express his own bitterness at the end of a marriage he knew was dead long before OP met anyone else ?

Absolutely agree
It's like the twilight zone this thread.

The sneering tone of some- talking about mum wanting to go clubbing, see (multiple) 'men', get her leg over, etc. Wilfully ignoring the actual facts from OP, and coming up with alternative narratives to paint OP in a bad light. Who she now sleeps with or doesn't sleep with is utterly irrelevant, and whether she 'cheated' or not has no bearing on the fact this man is a father with responsibilities. It seems so difficult to understand for some.

It's a glaring example yet again of the standards women are held to in this society versus those expected of men.

Do you think he should do it to facilitate a relationship between his kids though ? They will grow up with no memories of being together with their dad - just perfunctory child care one at a time. When they get to the age where they want to know why, what’s he going to say ?

OP didn’t ’shag someone else’. She told her ex she had met someone else before that happened, and after she had effectively ended the marriage. You’re just one of the many people here ignoring actual facts so you can blame the OP and exonerate a shitty father.

I think she was seeing another man.

Nobody really cares what you think.

@Acornsoup True. Nobody cares what any of us think here, tbh. You included.

I understood it perfectly thanks. She might have decided the marriage was dead but he obviously did not. Either way, if she's the one who's 'moved on' then she should be the one to move out!

'She was and is the full time carer for two children with significant SEN, one of whom needs 24/7 supervision.'
Yet somehow she managed to start up another relationship? 🤔
Carve this up however you want, OP is the one who was seeing someone else WHILE STILL MARRIED, so can't really complain now the husband she rejected and forced to move out of his home, isn't playing ball with childcare.
I mean, what exactly IS the husband getting from this arrangement?

She wasn't married. The OP has already stated that. A relationship ending doesn't need mutual agreement, if one party says its over then its over.

Regardless of how the relationship ended, his responsibility to his children remains the same.

It might just be my reading but refusal to accept the end of a relationship, still considering an ex "yours" after the breakdown, the shouting and what sounds like using the kids to control the OPs free time all are red flags in terms of emotional abuse in the relationship.

Where have I excused him?
I have pointed out that he must have parented the children by himself, or the OP wouldn't have had time to and and go out with another man.

This is one of those times when I’d love to hear the other side of the story.