Page 6 | Punished for 'affair'?

HeyDrake · 2025-02-19T17:54:22+00:00

My ex moved out a while ago after I told him that I had been seeing someone else. The relationship had been dead for ages, and I was upfront that he should move out and had been saying so since last May. Since then he has been refusing to have our children on the night time/ evening so I can go out. He has one child in the day but not both. Do you think this is fair? The relationship is over, now all he is doing now is punishing our children. And me. Can I make him realise that I have the right to a private life and time to myself? Can I go to court and could they enforce this?

Pickledpeanuts · 19/02/2025 21:18

FriendlyEeyore · 19/02/2025 21:05

If you want to ‘push for absent fathers to be held accountable’ you need to start saying what you mean in a clear and concise way.

Have a think if MN is the best place to do this ‘pushing’. Maybe you just hear for the echo chamber but I’m sure even you can think of other places to ‘push’ where you can make real difference. Once you’ve improved your communication skills of course.

You have failed tonight but I’m sure you are well meaning and I’m glad I’ve been able to give some feedback to help you.

Keep on pushing x

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I can and do in the real world 😂 You know next to nothing about me.

My communication skills are just fine. You have come on to a thread about a man using his kids to punish his ex for breaking up and moving on with comments about how women have done it alone for years and aren't all helpless - utterly deplorable. When challenged, you've adopted an utterly ironic approach of insulting me and now you're claiming you can't understand what was said to you 😂

I know aibu brings out the worst in people but you really should consider how your responses land in real life with the OP.

I'll not respond further since it's clear you came on to be bitchy, kick the OP whilst she was down and then respond like a belligerent three year old when challenged.

BigHeadBertha · 19/02/2025 21:18

This is divorce drama. As such, it might well all calm down in a while, especially if you don't feed into it (tempting though it may be).

Most likely, he's hurt and upset because you have left him and because you also like someone else better than you like him. Of course that's hard to take (regardless of how much he may have deserved it). Therefore, yes, he is punishing you and also perhaps hoping you will change your mind and come back to him if he can keep the competition away.

I think your best course of action for now might be to just be rather nice to him when you have to deal with him and also rather bored by his control attempts. He might come to just feel foolish when he realizes he's playing these games all alone, instead of getting a satisfying reaction from you.

Soon, he might move along and meet someone else too and then this will stop, hopefully. My advice is to take a deep breath and just hold on a while longer. Good luck.

Pickledpeanuts · 19/02/2025 21:22

Do you have any mutual friends @HeyDrake ? Just wondering if you have anyone that could mediate between the two of you?

You can't force him, but maybe he'd have a harder time justifying his approach if it's with a neutral party?

Nanny0gg · 19/02/2025 21:22

FriendlyEeyore · 19/02/2025 21:05

If you want to ‘push for absent fathers to be held accountable’ you need to start saying what you mean in a clear and concise way.

Have a think if MN is the best place to do this ‘pushing’. Maybe you just hear for the echo chamber but I’m sure even you can think of other places to ‘push’ where you can make real difference. Once you’ve improved your communication skills of course.

You have failed tonight but I’m sure you are well meaning and I’m glad I’ve been able to give some feedback to help you.

Keep on pushing x

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What on earth is wrong with you?

Original poster

HeyDrake · 19/02/2025 21:24

I think the problem is MN is still quite a conservative place. If I said I wanted my ex to have the kids so I could go to a sip and paint class or learn Mandarin, everyone would politely approve. But I want a night out every now and again. And I want to dance at festivals and stay up all night and to have sex again, maybe.
For all the feminist posturing, some posters can't get their head around this. Yes I left my partner, no he wasn't abusive nor did he hit me. He was not a bad guy. But I didn't love him and I didn't want to be with him. The relationship was becoming toxic as I was saying that we needed to find a way to break up, I went to see the housing department, I tried to retrain to get more options. And he would not accept this. He did not accept me telling him calmly that I was not in a relationship with him.

But there are no options. Try calling a private landlord and getting a viewing when you are on DLA, ESA, PIP, carers and have no other income. They won't even let you view.
Obviously I'm on the housing list but I don't think I'm classed as an emergency as I have a tenancy. It's just I had an ex who wouldn't leave. And that means you can't do anything. My kids would not cope in a BnB. Plus the situation was not abusive.
I get that he doesn't have to have them and I would not leave them with him if I thought he wasn't going to be kind to them or would take out his anger on them. But I can express frustration that he now has 7 child free evenings per week and I have none.

OP posts:

ParallelParakeet · 19/02/2025 21:28

HeyDrake · 19/02/2025 21:24

I think the problem is MN is still quite a conservative place. If I said I wanted my ex to have the kids so I could go to a sip and paint class or learn Mandarin, everyone would politely approve. But I want a night out every now and again. And I want to dance at festivals and stay up all night and to have sex again, maybe.
For all the feminist posturing, some posters can't get their head around this. Yes I left my partner, no he wasn't abusive nor did he hit me. He was not a bad guy. But I didn't love him and I didn't want to be with him. The relationship was becoming toxic as I was saying that we needed to find a way to break up, I went to see the housing department, I tried to retrain to get more options. And he would not accept this. He did not accept me telling him calmly that I was not in a relationship with him.

But there are no options. Try calling a private landlord and getting a viewing when you are on DLA, ESA, PIP, carers and have no other income. They won't even let you view.
Obviously I'm on the housing list but I don't think I'm classed as an emergency as I have a tenancy. It's just I had an ex who wouldn't leave. And that means you can't do anything. My kids would not cope in a BnB. Plus the situation was not abusive.
I get that he doesn't have to have them and I would not leave them with him if I thought he wasn't going to be kind to them or would take out his anger on them. But I can express frustration that he now has 7 child free evenings per week and I have none.

Everything you’re saying makes perfect sense OP, there’s just a lot of dicks about.

Pickledpeanuts · 19/02/2025 21:29

HeyDrake · 19/02/2025 21:24

I think the problem is MN is still quite a conservative place. If I said I wanted my ex to have the kids so I could go to a sip and paint class or learn Mandarin, everyone would politely approve. But I want a night out every now and again. And I want to dance at festivals and stay up all night and to have sex again, maybe.
For all the feminist posturing, some posters can't get their head around this. Yes I left my partner, no he wasn't abusive nor did he hit me. He was not a bad guy. But I didn't love him and I didn't want to be with him. The relationship was becoming toxic as I was saying that we needed to find a way to break up, I went to see the housing department, I tried to retrain to get more options. And he would not accept this. He did not accept me telling him calmly that I was not in a relationship with him.

But there are no options. Try calling a private landlord and getting a viewing when you are on DLA, ESA, PIP, carers and have no other income. They won't even let you view.
Obviously I'm on the housing list but I don't think I'm classed as an emergency as I have a tenancy. It's just I had an ex who wouldn't leave. And that means you can't do anything. My kids would not cope in a BnB. Plus the situation was not abusive.
I get that he doesn't have to have them and I would not leave them with him if I thought he wasn't going to be kind to them or would take out his anger on them. But I can express frustration that he now has 7 child free evenings per week and I have none.

Do you have any family or friends who could slowly build up to watching your kids for an evening? I know finding a qualified babysitter for high needs kids (who is also affordable) is a tall ask but do you think if you asked for help from those close to you anyone could help give you an evening off?

Is he paying cms?

TheJinxMinx · 19/02/2025 21:31

Im sorry OP what he is doing isn't right my ex does the same. Not affair but I ended things as he was a narcissist and abusive to me and the minute he found out I had a new partner 2 years later he stopped seeing our child all together to punish me when in reality it only punishes the children. You can't force them unfortunately the courts cannot force time you have to set yourself up it is tough have you got any family or could you afford the odd babysitter. I can't do either of the above so its me and my little amego every evening and weekends as he has childcare after school so I can work to provide it socks but also its lovely at the same time

Starlightstarbright4 · 19/02/2025 21:38

Ok you are in a really stressful situation ..He is going to be a dick … you can’t rely on him …

however you do need to find a way forward to give you some space whether asking for an assessment from Ss for support .. it is exhausting.. and at some point your Dc may need to cope with someone else whether it be a hospital admission, or another reason .

My Ds had additional needs . Was in school but couldn’t cope even not seeing me in the same room . We had a sure start worker who built up time getting to know play with Ds eventually managed to cope with me upstairs . I don’t think there are many sure start staff around anymore but something similar may be available

ChesnutBrown · 19/02/2025 21:49

The problem you have OP is using the word affair at any point in your post. People have latched onto it.

You're not having an affair if you are not in a relationship - you have just met someone and are moving on.

As others have said, you cannot force him but I suspect you are entirely correct and he is using it as a means to get at you.

Viviennemary · 19/02/2025 21:50

You behaved badly and hurt him by cheating. I don't see why he should co-operate with you tbh.

Naunet · 19/02/2025 21:57

Viviennemary · 19/02/2025 21:50

You behaved badly and hurt him by cheating. I don't see why he should co-operate with you tbh.

She didn't cheat, and he should cooperate for the sake of his children, just like women are expected to do.

Viviennemary · 19/02/2025 22:01

Naunet · 19/02/2025 21:57

She didn't cheat, and he should cooperate for the sake of his children, just like women are expected to do.

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She cast him aside like an old rag. And now wants him to be nice. Blow that.

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 19/02/2025 22:03

CastleCrasher · 19/02/2025 18:38

If it were a man posting this he'd have his arse handed to him. You had an affair, but he had to leave. Now you're annoyed at the time he's spending with the dc because it impacts on your social life....
He's not coming off well here, but neither are you.

Exactly. You both sound really immature.

S18 · 19/02/2025 22:06

HeyDrake · 19/02/2025 21:24

I think the problem is MN is still quite a conservative place. If I said I wanted my ex to have the kids so I could go to a sip and paint class or learn Mandarin, everyone would politely approve. But I want a night out every now and again. And I want to dance at festivals and stay up all night and to have sex again, maybe.
For all the feminist posturing, some posters can't get their head around this. Yes I left my partner, no he wasn't abusive nor did he hit me. He was not a bad guy. But I didn't love him and I didn't want to be with him. The relationship was becoming toxic as I was saying that we needed to find a way to break up, I went to see the housing department, I tried to retrain to get more options. And he would not accept this. He did not accept me telling him calmly that I was not in a relationship with him.

But there are no options. Try calling a private landlord and getting a viewing when you are on DLA, ESA, PIP, carers and have no other income. They won't even let you view.
Obviously I'm on the housing list but I don't think I'm classed as an emergency as I have a tenancy. It's just I had an ex who wouldn't leave. And that means you can't do anything. My kids would not cope in a BnB. Plus the situation was not abusive.
I get that he doesn't have to have them and I would not leave them with him if I thought he wasn't going to be kind to them or would take out his anger on them. But I can express frustration that he now has 7 child free evenings per week and I have none.

Unfortunately you can’t force him to take the children more than he agrees to. It will obviously affect his relationship with his children but if he’s not bothered then he’s not bothered.

BTW private renting is not impossible in your situation. I have just rented a place in a very similar situation and it only took a few weeks to find a place and lots of places were open to me renting from them. And this is in a high cost/housing shortage area.

LeopardPants · 19/02/2025 22:06

My ex was the same - wanted to control me and limit my social life by refusing to “babysit” the little one. Would turn up as and when it suited him but wouldn’t initially agree to fixed times etc. He started to behave once I kicked off legal proceedings to move closer to my family (still in the UK but didn’t want to risk a court order telling me to take DC back, which apparently can happen).

He even blackmailed me into paying him to look after DC when I was going away and my childcare had fallen through - threatened to not collect him from his childminder so they’d call social services and I’d lose my DC! He obviously didn’t quite understand what would happen in that instance… Makes me extremely glad he is an ex and that I did move away.

Bollindger · 19/02/2025 22:11

I know you love your child however your in this for life, so you need to start seeing you need to accept help.
You won't be any good if you burn out...

Naunet · 19/02/2025 22:18

Viviennemary · 19/02/2025 22:01

She cast him aside like an old rag. And now wants him to be nice. Blow that.

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Oh please, people are allowed to end relationships. How do you think the kids feel when he only takes one of them?

Original poster

HeyDrake · 19/02/2025 22:19

But 99.9% of men who cheat don't take the children when they leave. I didn't cheat. I was honest. I did the 'right thing' by telling him that I was unhappy and that I wanted to split up. Yet here I am, being punished.
Do you really think I should have just stayed being unhappy forever?
Because when you have a SN child, your trajectory is not the same. There is no growing up and spreading their wings for children like my son. He has never even been on a play date without me. There are no sleepovers, school, afterschool activities, holiday clubs. He doesn't sleep past 4am.
All of that I can take and I will do it willingly as I love my son, but I couldn't stay in a relationship which I wasn't happy in. I just felt so utterly trapped.
I would go up to bed at 6pm every night and just sleep. I had no motivation. I didn't want to spend time with my ex and we were constantly bickering because we had become two people who didn't like each other.
He would drink and I would sleep. Every evening.
Obviously now things are harder in someways but I'm happier as I have some control.
If you haven't been a full time carer to a SN child, I'm sorry but you have no idea what it's like. You can only really get through the hitting, spitting, meltdowns, not being able to shower, not being able to clean, moving all possible risky items, cleaning up broken toys, going to the park and getting all the stares when your eight year old pushes a three year old off a swing if you have some small pleasure at the end of the night. I didn't have anything in my relationship which gave me any solace.

OP posts:

Redscrunchie · 19/02/2025 22:19

Viviennemary · 19/02/2025 22:01

She cast him aside like an old rag. And now wants him to be nice. Blow that.

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What on earth are you talking about? She ended a relationship with a man she didn't love any more. Should everyone who is desperately unhappy stay in a marriage forever to please people like you? You do realise you don't get a medal at the end of your life for staying in a crappy relationship?

The OP has a right to a night of respite from her dc's. He is not "being nice" by looking after his own children and of you think he is acting in an acceptable way by opting out of looking after his dc's to punish his wife you have some serious issues.

Redscrunchie · 19/02/2025 22:23

HeyDrake

You don't need to explain to these arseholes Op - really you don't. Most of us (with half a brain and a bit of compassion) get it. It must be really really hard 💐

JenniferBooth · 19/02/2025 22:25

Viviennemary · 19/02/2025 22:01

She cast him aside like an old rag. And now wants him to be nice. Blow that.

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You only have sons im guessing. Right? And i bet if i searched your name id find shitloads of double standards!

ParallelParakeet · 19/02/2025 22:26

Viviennemary · 19/02/2025 22:01

She cast him aside like an old rag. And now wants him to be nice. Blow that.

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Be nice… to his children. I don’t think she did cast him aside like an old rag (major projections there…) but based on his behaviour, maybe she should have.

PandaTime · 19/02/2025 22:53

Why do you think he is punishing you rather than just enjoying his freedom? No one - not even the courts - can force him to take his children. Legally all he has to do is pay CM. He's not your friend anymore. Unfortunately, all you can do is try to build a network for yourself. He isn't going to help.

BrummiMummi · 19/02/2025 22:57

Ritzybitzy · 19/02/2025 19:36

I reported her comment but your response is a work of art.

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I too was thinking this!