Page 12 | Punished for 'affair'?

HeyDrake · 2025-02-19T17:54:22+00:00

My ex moved out a while ago after I told him that I had been seeing someone else. The relationship had been dead for ages, and I was upfront that he should move out and had been saying so since last May. Since then he has been refusing to have our children on the night time/ evening so I can go out. He has one child in the day but not both. Do you think this is fair? The relationship is over, now all he is doing now is punishing our children. And me. Can I make him realise that I have the right to a private life and time to myself? Can I go to court and could they enforce this?

JenniferBooth · 21/02/2025 19:25

HeyDrake · 20/02/2025 06:42

We weren't married.
My options were very limited. I couldn't even go to the housing team easily as I would have had to take both children with me, who would not sit there quietly with an iPad like other children. We wouldn't have got emergency accommodation as we were classed as housed and the situation wasn't violent.
I wouldn't move out and not take the children so we were stuck there.
I'd love someone to tell me what I was supposed to have done differently.
Just feels like MN expects women to be just mothers after having children and be celibate for the rest of their lives. The amount of times I hear 'well I would never date again if I split up with my partner/ husband' but you can't say that, if you're not there. It's highly likely you would feel lonely or want someone to text when breakfast has just been thrown on the floor for the second time and it's still only 4.30am. My world is very small. There's very little that's in my control, which some posters with NT children won't understand.

There is a real streak of misogyny on here when it comes to women and sex

JenniferBooth · 21/02/2025 19:31

Followthetrend · 20/02/2025 07:44

@Margot2020 Only read the first few pages but cannot believe the tone of a lot of these responses. People on MN are so incredibly purist about “affairs” that this seems to cloud everything.

I take it you've never had a cheating partner then ?🙄

If you had, you'd understand how wounding it is.

Projection much

Followthetrend · 21/02/2025 19:35

JenniferBooth · 21/02/2025 19:31

Projection much

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???

JenniferBooth · 21/02/2025 19:41

HelmholtzWatson · 20/02/2025 08:05

He's not shirking his responsibilities. He is taking the children on his terms (i.e., one at a time).

OP is complaining as he won't take them both so she can get her leg over. It is not unreasonable to decline this request.

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Exibit A regarding my comment about misogny towards women and sex on here.

And how the fuck do you think the other child will feel anyway when he/she sees his/her sibling being taken out by Daddy while they are left behind
You dont care about that though do you Like the OPs DH you just want to stick the boot in.

JenniferBooth · 21/02/2025 19:57

Hoardasurass · 20/02/2025 09:31

The problem with your scenario is that you were both carrying on with your normal family roles you being a stay at home parent and him being the breadwinner.
Rightly or wrongly he feels that he was funding your lifestyle whilst you were off out dating then he loses his home and is being expected to find a new home suitable for him and the dc and furnish it from scratch (unless you split all the furniture and white goods) whilst paying you child support (which he should).
Tell me how do you expect your dc to handle the changes in living environment and not having you there overnight? I ask because I know how difficult it is for my asd dc to handle small changes let alone huge ones like you are trying to rush them into.
Quite frankly I can see why there dad could be refusing to have them together or overnight just now, your dc need time to adjust involving short 1to1 visits to dads new house building up over time (at a pace that suits them not you) to 1to1 overnights, then having them both together during the day at his and finally him having them both overnight at the same time when they are ready. Did it ever occur to you that he might be putting your children 1st in this rather than "punishing" you?
Whether you realise it or not your coming across as really rather selfish here

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People like you are why im child free by choice

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 21/02/2025 20:00

JenniferBooth · 21/02/2025 19:57

People like you are why im child free by choice

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Yep, was just about to say the same thing. It’s a load of utterly misogynistic, shitty father excusing bollocks.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 21/02/2025 20:01

JenniferBooth · 21/02/2025 19:41

Exibit A regarding my comment about misogny towards women and sex on here.

And how the fuck do you think the other child will feel anyway when he/she sees his/her sibling being taken out by Daddy while they are left behind
You dont care about that though do you Like the OPs DH you just want to stick the boot in.

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Exactly. And when his kids are old enough to realise that they have no memories of being together with their dad, and start to ask questions, what’s he going to tell them ?

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 21/02/2025 20:08

Jumpingthruhoops · 21/02/2025 11:53

I understood it perfectly thanks. She might have decided the marriage was dead but he obviously did not. Either way, if she's the one who's 'moved on' then she should be the one to move out!

'She was and is the full time carer for two children with significant SEN, one of whom needs 24/7 supervision.'
Yet somehow she managed to start up another relationship? 🤔
Carve this up however you want, OP is the one who was seeing someone else WHILE STILL MARRIED, so can't really complain now the husband she rejected and forced to move out of his home, isn't playing ball with childcare.
I mean, what exactly IS the husband getting from this arrangement?

Why do you think he refused to move out after OP told him how she felt? Surely you’re not trying to excuse his shitty behaviour on the grounds that he wanted to reconcile ? And since when who men move out take their children with them ? When men cheat, thats usually the reason for the end of the marriage. That’s not the case here. OP is the full time carer for both significantly disabled children, one of whom needs 24/7 care. What did you expect - her to move out and disrupt them even more ? Relationships end. That’s the reality. You either accept it and move on, or you wallow. In this case her ex was not only wallowing himself, he was making everyone else do so. Including his own children, who he’s now using as weapons.

JenniferBooth · 21/02/2025 20:13

nitrofueled · 20/02/2025 10:39

Just read Op's full posts and I'm not convinced. We were clearly told in the opening post that she confessed she had met someone before he finally left. Op clearly checked out of the relationship and began meeting new men none the less before making the clean break.

New MEN Plural

Where the fuck did that come from OP has met ONE man

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 21/02/2025 20:15

UndermyShoeJoe · 20/02/2025 13:05

Thing is nothings going to change. Shit partner. Shit parent.

Op suddenly inviting men round or trying to use it as leverage because he won’t watch the children makes her shit too.

Is it fair? No. But you cannot force a parent to parent you can only control your actions.

“OP inviting men round’.

Where on earth did you get this ? OP found someone else and told her ex before anything physical happened with him. Why are you trying to give the impression that OP has men stampeding to her door ?

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 21/02/2025 20:17

JenniferBooth · 21/02/2025 20:13

New MEN Plural

Where the fuck did that come from OP has met ONE man

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Several posters trying to twist it like this. The misogyny is unbelievable.

UndermyShoeJoe · 21/02/2025 20:21

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 21/02/2025 20:15

“OP inviting men round’.

Where on earth did you get this ? OP found someone else and told her ex before anything physical happened with him. Why are you trying to give the impression that OP has men stampeding to her door ?

Edited

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If you’d of continued reading for posting. Another poster mentioned telling the ex she would invite the men whoever they are round while she has the children.

That was in response partly to that.

Hth

hehehesorry · 21/02/2025 20:23

Mamaghanouch · 19/02/2025 20:17

This response
💪

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Imagine if she'd been that 💪 strong before she had kids with a man she went on to have a failed relationship with and now she can't even go outside unless she's really nice to him lol, taxpayer mopping up again.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 21/02/2025 21:18

UndermyShoeJoe · 21/02/2025 20:21

If you’d of continued reading for posting. Another poster mentioned telling the ex she would invite the men whoever they are round while she has the children.

That was in response partly to that.

Hth

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HTH ? It doesn’t. Don’t know what you mean.

Hoardasurass · 21/02/2025 23:01

JenniferBooth · 21/02/2025 19:57

People like you are why im child free by choice

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Please explain why putting the disabled children 1st and understanding both points of view caused you to choose to be child free.

JenniferBooth · 21/02/2025 23:17

Hoardasurass · 21/02/2025 23:01

Please explain why putting the disabled children 1st and understanding both points of view caused you to choose to be child free.

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Shit like this which YOU posted.

Rightly or wrongly he feels that he was funding your lifestyle whilst you were off out dating

A. how is he funding her lifestyle They are HIS kids too. Bet you are one of those who think women should pay for all of their own maternity leave. Children arent Immaculate Conceptions.

B. OP was not out dating.

One reason im child free by choice is because i didnt want to give someone like you the oppurtunity to use my children to try and control me THATS how my comment ties in with what you posted And i bet you would be the type of MIL that would use the kids to control.
B. the fact that you said the OP was out dating insinuates she was seeing multiple men. Which is not the case.

JenniferBooth · 21/02/2025 23:22

If becoming a mother makes ppl see the father of the kids as "funding my lifestyle" then you can stuff motherhood where the sun doesnt shine.

Hoardasurass · 22/02/2025 00:50

JenniferBooth · 21/02/2025 23:17

Shit like this which YOU posted.

Rightly or wrongly he feels that he was funding your lifestyle whilst you were off out dating

A. how is he funding her lifestyle They are HIS kids too. Bet you are one of those who think women should pay for all of their own maternity leave. Children arent Immaculate Conceptions.

B. OP was not out dating.

One reason im child free by choice is because i didnt want to give someone like you the oppurtunity to use my children to try and control me THATS how my comment ties in with what you posted And i bet you would be the type of MIL that would use the kids to control.
B. the fact that you said the OP was out dating insinuates she was seeing multiple men. Which is not the case.

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Hahaha
1 I'm a widowed parent of a disabled child
2 your making massive assumptions
3 I think men should fund 50% of maternity leave AND compensate for 100% of lost earnings and pension contributions
4 I said he feels like not he was
5 the op said both that she had am affair (though later backtracked on that) and that she'd met someone else
6 both my stepdaughter in-laws and my daughter inlaw think that I'm the best mil out there sorry to disappoint
May I suggest that you take a step back and look at why you've made the erroneous assumptions that you have and went on an unprovoked attack based on them as it may make you a nicer person and less stressed 😇

Cherry8809 · 22/02/2025 16:37

IMO, whichever party (male or female) decides to end the family unit should be the one to leave the home.

Boomer55 · 22/02/2025 16:40

Cherry8809 · 22/02/2025 16:37

IMO, whichever party (male or female) decides to end the family unit should be the one to leave the home.

Yes. It’s no better if a woman does it. 🤷‍♀️🙄

JenniferBooth · 22/02/2025 23:05

Boomer55 · 22/02/2025 16:40

Yes. It’s no better if a woman does it. 🤷‍♀️🙄

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At least if a woman without kids does it people like you cant blame her for leaving the kids. Because you would still have berated OP for leaving if
a. she had taken the kids you would have moaned at her for making them homeless
b. if she hadnt you would have had a go at her for doing what men do all the time and leaving the kids.

THIS is what i meant about being child free You sidestep some of the judgement and pearl clutching. Not all of it but some.