Is it really that common to be a grandparent in your late 40s?

[AntiHop]

A few times recently, people have made the incorrect assumption that my 3 year old dd is my grandchild. I'm 47.

This really surprises me, as in my social group, and my family, no one has become a grandparent at that age. Not a single one of my friends had their kids in their 20s. (I have met people who've had kids in their 20s since becoming a parent myself.)

I definitely don't look older than I am. I'm lucky that my skin is doing well. If you lined me up with the friends of my age, you'd guess we are all 47ish. Perhaps people perceive me we older as so many people have cosmetic procedures now, changing the perception of what someone looks like at my age?

I do appreciate that I'm an older mum. Of the friends I grew up with, several of them had babies after my three year old was born.

This is nor meant to be a debate about the rights and wrongs of being an older mum. I'm just curious to know - if you saw a 47 year old with a 3 year old, would you assume that's the grandmother without it crossing your mind that she could be the mother?

Yikes! I'm your age and I don't know anyone in their 50s who's already a grandmother, let alone a great grandmother!

It's not purely down to class though. I am MC/UMC and my family have been for generations, but I knew enough about fertility/biology to know I wanted to have my children in my late twenties/early thirties.

In my area I would assume you were the grandmother. Many of the girls I went to school with were teen mums. Even in my current peer group of friends and colleagues (professional job requiring post-grad qualifications) most women start their families in their 20s. It is quite a cheap, traditionally working class area whilst still being metropolitan enough nowadays to offer decent career opportunities. I think that makes a difference as it’s easier to buy a house and be financially comfortable at a younger age!

I’m 53 with a 7 and 8 year old. Have never been mistaken for their grandmother and I’d say a third of their classmates were born to parents in their 40s. It’s a village school with (I’d guess) a high number of professional parents. That could make a difference?

That's a completely different thing. I think there is more to the ideal age to have a child than how fertile you are. Just because you are at your most fertile as a young woman, doesn't mean that's the best age to become a parent.

I'm 43 with a 5 year old and there are quite a few mums my age - but they mostly also have older children already in or finished secondary school. Catholic school so lots of big families. They would have been having their first when they were in their 20s. There are quite a few families where the mums and daughters both have children in the school at the same time!

Somebody I was at school with was pregnant at 16 and a Granny before 40.

I mean, yes true, but equally none of us (male or female) can just ignore biology. It impacts not just fertility but the health of the child too. So if you know you want to start a family it makes sense to do so once you are financially stable

My sister became a grandmother at 42. DN had her baby at 19, it wasn’t ideal but what can you do? It all worked out well in the end.

DGS was born 2mths before my 53rd birthday, DH was almost 59.

I made my mum a grandmother at 49 and had my youngest child at 47.

I’m now 54 and not yet a grandmother.

I think there is no right answer. I know someone who became a grandparent at 40 her younger children were at primary school. She looked too young to be a nan. I know someone that had a multiple pregnancy at 47. I become a parent at 29 my mum was 56. I’d hope not to be a grandparent in my forties but we will see! I did see a couple with a preschool aged child in a shop recently and assumed they were parents due to the way they were talking I would have said they were late forties. It made me consider how it’s more the norm to have children later now. Particularly with women having careers more than when I was growing up as there were a lot of stay at home mums.

clearly from a broken home though, so not ideal!

It's just an in between age really. I'd say late forties is very young to be a grandparent but it's also very old to be a parent. I know more older parents than young grandparents but that's my age (48) and demographic.

My parents became gp in their early seventies which was pretty late - average in my circles was early sixties.

Both ends of the spectrum are common. I was surprised at how young the average age for a first time grandparents is.

It can be hard to judge where in middle age someone is now for various reasons. We can recognise young and old easily enough but the age span of about 40 - 60 can be trickier.

Thinking about it my Grandmother will have only been about 3 years older than me when I was born but the 1970s/80s northern Grandma uniform of shampoo & set, headscarf, plaid skirt and overalls was already in place and never changed. So in my head she looked the same in her early 50s as she did in her 70s.

I became a Grandma at 46 and whilst obviously I look older than DD we often wear similar clothes, make up etc. whereas my Mum and Grandma looked very different from each other and their style would have clearly telegraphed Mum or Grandma to anyone looking.

You can’t simply ignore biology. There is also further risks for baby’s health as an older mum, something to be factored in to any decision.

There is arguably no perfect time to have children but having them in your 20’s poses the lowest risks to both mum, the pregnancy and the baby.

Absolutely. I would have been a disastrous parent at 25, had some circumstance compelled me to have a baby then. At 40 I was a good one.

Bravo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But it poses significant emotional risks to the growing child, faced with a parent who is barely an adult himself or herself, and is not emotionally or economically equipped to be a good parent.

Yes i would assume a woman in her late 40s with a 3 year old in tow was the Grandmother. I don't know any mothers approaching 50 that have pre school children i fact i don't know any with children at primary school.

To make you feel better, OP, DH (then 39) was mistaken for DD's grandfather (she was 4) - he might look a bit older than he is, but not much. And he was very much a typical age for fathers at her school.

In your case, I'd assume you were the mother - the oldest mother I know personally was 45 when her DD was born.

Completely depends where you live I think. In my area, having children in your 40s is not uncommon and I’d assume mother.

In the area I grew up, having children in your teens/early twenties is not uncommon so I might assume grandmother!

It could go either way but I wouldn’t worry about it, it’s more a reflection on people’s social circles and experiences than on you.

This thread is insane 😂😂😂

Thank you for writing this - the world has gone mad - 'age is just a number', 'I feel my best now I am in my 60s' and suchlike trash. We face a real crisis in Western Europe because of such attitudes.

I became a grandparent at 41. It’s not uncommon where I live 🤷‍♀️ Not many older mums in their 40s with toddlers either