Is it really that common to be a grandparent in your late 40s?

[AntiHop]

A few times recently, people have made the incorrect assumption that my 3 year old dd is my grandchild. I'm 47.

This really surprises me, as in my social group, and my family, no one has become a grandparent at that age. Not a single one of my friends had their kids in their 20s. (I have met people who've had kids in their 20s since becoming a parent myself.)

I definitely don't look older than I am. I'm lucky that my skin is doing well. If you lined me up with the friends of my age, you'd guess we are all 47ish. Perhaps people perceive me we older as so many people have cosmetic procedures now, changing the perception of what someone looks like at my age?

I do appreciate that I'm an older mum. Of the friends I grew up with, several of them had babies after my three year old was born.

This is nor meant to be a debate about the rights and wrongs of being an older mum. I'm just curious to know - if you saw a 47 year old with a 3 year old, would you assume that's the grandmother without it crossing your mind that she could be the mother?

I only know of 3 people who became Grandparents in their 40s ( but they were parents themselves in their late teens), and I know a lot of people who are Grandparents. Most were late 50s when they became Grandparents.
I am mid 40s too and have also been asked if I’m mum or Nan though.

It depends on how old a person was when they had children. If they were young themselves, then it's entirely possible they could be a Grandparent at 47. My Mum was considered 'old' at 29, when she gave birth to me, back in 74, but nowadays 29 wouldn't be considered old to be having a first baby!! If I'd had a baby at 18, my Mum would have been a Grandmother at 48! As it was I didn't have my son until I was 35! I'm not sure I'd automatically see an older woman with a younger child and think she must be the child's Grandmother, though.

It’s not ‘beyond abnormal’ at all. No one ‘fed me lies’. I wanted to spend my 20s and 30s unencumbered by children, studying, living, travelling, moving countries for jobs when it suited me. Having a child in my 20s would have been a crazy decision for me. Out of a wide circle of friends, two has children in their 20s. Both now think it was a stupid decision.

I'm sorry but I don't live in the UK so don't know about current NHS recommendations. Are you telling me that they advise women to have their children at a young age? I just find that hard to believe.

I don't know, it's arguably better to have children when our brains are still malleable. I see some older parents who really struggle to adapt. (And some amazing older parents too).

Someone asked DH the other day if he was a 'new grandpa' when pushing our 2 week old in his pram. He's only just turned 41 🤣 I'm 28 but don't think he looks that much older than me 🤣

Two of my friends were grandparents in early to mid 40s one, her 15 yo daughter had three before she was 20 and another was married at 18 and her 23 yo married daughter had a daughter recently

That is young these days for a grandparent.

I think it’s not rare. Most of the school mums unless they have a rather large brood are younger, if your in the playground in late 40’s/50’s it’s assumed you’ve got about 5 children spread out or you are the grandparent.

I can only think of one school mum I know who’s the same age as my mum with an only child. Put my foot right in that when she was discussing a big birthday party plan and I went oh that’s how old my mum is 😬😬💀

I think it really really depends on the socioeconomic circles you move in.

My DM had me at 37 and my DSis at 41.

My MIL became a grandmother at 41.

I do remember DM saying that she was old enough to be the mother of a lot of the other new mums she shared a ward with when she had me, 40 years ago. She was very much the exception back then - but nowadays I've got far more friends with toddler children than teenage and we're all 40.

I became a grandmother at 39 x

That's an interesting point actually.

I guess if I had to say the "ideal" age to have children I would say around 30, but there are certainly pluses and minuses to being older or younger.

No but then I’ve just had my first baby at 42.

The average age of a first time mum in the UK is about 29 - which means there will be many, many people having children younger than that and so not that uncommon to be a grandparent in your 40s - especially you mid/late 40s.

That's reminded me when I was 18 I was an au pair for 3 children aged 8, 4 and 2. People were always assuming I was their mother.

It’s perfectly normal in our low income area but completely abnormal in the posher bit of town where most of our friends live.

It's more likely that a woman in her late 40s would be a grandmother to a baby/toddler than a mother. It's not common for a woman to become pregnant in her mid 40s or older without medical intervention due to normal biology.

I'm the same age as you and only know one person who was a grandparent in their 40's and he's a few years older than me (mid 50's now). That said, i also don't have any peers with toddlers, most of my friends kids are high school age now and a couple are 19-21. My friends are pretty much all university educated and the women have career jobs so that probably influences child bearing age typically towards late 20's/early 30's.

I'm 51 and have friends that became great grandparents before they were 50 😐
They had their first child at 16, who's then gone on to have their first child at 16 and that child has now has a baby at the age of 17. Monkey see monkey do appears to be the case here.

I'm 47 and don't feel mature enough to be a mum (I'm not one!) let alone a grand mother!

One of our apprentices at work let slip the other day his grandmother is 45. THAT made me feel old. 😟

MIL was horrfied at becoming a GM at 49 nearly 50 - DH was 30 so it was her being a young Mum not as much us. She was the youngest of her social circle but only by a few years again more as she was such a young mother.

At time many our generation were parents in that area mid to late 20s - most unlike DH didn't go to Uni at time - parental age has gone up since then to nearer 30s even for those not going to uni - so grandparent age has also gone up a bit since.

However different area we lived in knew a couple who had 23 years between their eldest and youngest - large family - and many who knew the mother when first kids were young who then then bumped into in later years assumed GM not mother for her youngest ones. They didn't get upset as they did understand the assumptions there.

The thing is though, biology disagrees with you. The optimal age fertility wise is your 20’s, that’s a scientific fact too.

Society has moved on and we now have university, careers, travel, the cost of houses has increased so it takes longer for lots of people to get on the property ladder etc and that is what it is, it does mean people start thinking of starting a family sooner, but biology hasn’t changed to account for that and it isn’t going to.

It could go either way at that age, past 40 there are fewer new mums and under 55 fewer grans. I guess everyone as mum to play safe with nannies, grans, step mums, aunts etc - nobody minds someone thinking they are mum, but every mum is hurt not to be recognised as such.

I've made friends with the mum of DS friend who had her first at 15, and I'm actually older than her mum. I haven't confessed that though as she is quite shy about mixing with "the older mums", and I value our new friendship so will tell her when she's more confident that I like hanging out with her. I'm not sure why she thinks I'm younger, I have a few other mum friends who think I'm younger than them when I'm much older. Maybe because I'm not constantly wittering about 40th birthdays they place me back earlier in 30s instead of 40s, and I tell nobody our ages on principle. DH has a ban but looks much younger; I'm pretty sure I look my age, and it's just assumptions based on ownership of primary age child + naturally no grey. My advice would be to dye your hair, wear it long, wear dresses, and never mention your age. People will clue you in as mum within a few years when the greys catch up with those still in their 30s.

it's a classic class thing...

I don't think it's particularly unusual.... But then at 54, my dc's are 35, 33, 18 and 13. I became a grandmother at 38, and my youngest was born when I was 41. Actually, I had two other grandchildren born that year too 😊.