Is it really that common to be a grandparent in your late 40s?

[AntiHop]

A few times recently, people have made the incorrect assumption that my 3 year old dd is my grandchild. I'm 47.

This really surprises me, as in my social group, and my family, no one has become a grandparent at that age. Not a single one of my friends had their kids in their 20s. (I have met people who've had kids in their 20s since becoming a parent myself.)

I definitely don't look older than I am. I'm lucky that my skin is doing well. If you lined me up with the friends of my age, you'd guess we are all 47ish. Perhaps people perceive me we older as so many people have cosmetic procedures now, changing the perception of what someone looks like at my age?

I do appreciate that I'm an older mum. Of the friends I grew up with, several of them had babies after my three year old was born.

This is nor meant to be a debate about the rights and wrongs of being an older mum. I'm just curious to know - if you saw a 47 year old with a 3 year old, would you assume that's the grandmother without it crossing your mind that she could be the mother?

Oh I see, sorry I thought you meant not have to work / be able to travel the world by 'do whatever I like', because my post was about that specifically. I took a gap year in my 20s and it was because I had no responsibilities and could just quit my job, end the lease of the flat I was renting, pack my bags and hop on a one-way flight. If I had had a mortgage and two toddlers that would have been nigh-on impossible to do. Similarly, I moved country last year in my mid-30s and while there was a mortgage to worry about, not having children to consider made the move a lot, lot easier. The downside is that if I do decide to have a baby (very much on the fence atm!), I'll be looking after it in my 40s and 50s. But for me that's preferable to giving up my freedom in my 20s, as I don't think you can re-create some experiences in your 40s and 50s.
Anyway, it's all about personal preference - there really is no right or wrong way to do things. :)

I would be unsure whether you were mum or nan as you’re on the older side to be a mum to a 3 year old, but the younger side to be nan to a 3 year old.

My mum was a grandmother at 47. She had my brother at 19 and me at 22. I had my first at 25. Looking back I was young I suppose, but we had been together for 6 years, been to uni, were settled in good careers and had bought our own house.

It's interesting that the young parents I know are quite traditional whereas the older ones are all about gentle parenting, co-sleeping etc.

Interesting, as I everyone I know who had children in our twenties were very much took a gentle parenting approach. We pretty much all co slept, did extended Bf and baby led weaning etc.

None of this changes the fact that the average age for a woman to have her first baby is 29-31. (In the UK.) And the vast majority of 'professionals' are NOT leaving it to 42-43 to have their first, like some posters on here are making out.

As I stated in my last post, I know DOZENS of highly educated, professional women who had their first baby between mid 20s and mid 30s... . So you can go on about all this 'women become mums younger if they're uneducated' jargon, but it doesn't mean lots of women who are 'educated professionals,' are 41-42+ when they have their first baby. The vast majority are not.

The vast VAST majority of professional, well-educated women will have their first baby by their mid-late 30s... Some in their 20s. (Despite some posters claiming all of their 'highly educated, professional, social circle' started having babies at 42+! 🙄)

Personally (as a number of posters have said,) I can't think of many things worse than having a baby in my early to mid 40s! Having children still at school when I'm in my 60s!!!!! Fuck that! 😱

I myself am a former teen parent (horror! I’m surprised I’m allowed a MN account!) with two degrees and a masters. I’m not a unicorn either. From the top of my head, I personally know six women who also had children when young and have the same (or higher) education level as me, and another three that I know of. I know that it’s not the “norm”, but it’s not unheard of.

Is it that they’re “traditional”, or are they worried about other people’s judgement should they dare to be seen as “too soft”? People judge young parents for their children’s behaviour far more harshly than they do older parents.

@Crushed23 that's great for you....but you had one year of that. Most people have to work regardless of whether they have children or not. For me, it wouldn't have been worth the sacrife for one gap year. Having children young has meant having much more freedom in my 40's and I can retire earlier.....and whilst the experience are different to your 20's, I absolutely love it and wouldn't change a thing. I too believe there are both pros and cons to having children younger and older and there's no right way. I was just pointing out that what you said is not necessarily true for everyone.

I'm not sure, it was just something that I noticed in my own family and when out and about. Older parents not so bothered about melt downs in public etc. So yes you've probably made a good point.

I think my mum’s generation ( she’s in her 80s ) age 45 to early 50s would be average age to become a grandparent .
Nowadays it’s more like 60ish to become a first time grandparent.
If I saw a woman who appeared to be mid forties with such a young child I’d probably think at first she was a relative or friend of the family rather than the child’s mother.
I wouldn’t think she was the grandmother though ?

Personally yes, it was a mixture of wealthy parents meaning I graduated without debt (from my degree and postgrad studies) combined with stellar academics meaning DH and I could both walk into high paying careers. And then living within our means (while still having fun and travelling) so we could save up and buy a house. Oh and me picking a career that while well paid was also very accommodating to part time working.

Hence, it's rather bizarre to imply young mums are all silly or irresponsible or "lower class". I didn't want to spend multiple decades partying, I wanted to start a family and I made sure we were in a good position to do so. I had plenty of fun along the way, but I didn't need many decades of hedonism before I started a family. It's fine if others did, but it doesn't make me (or countless mums like me) in any way "lesser".

(Sorry, that was meant to quote @BruFord )

Good comment.

When it comes to the older mum superiority complex on here I cant stand how thinly veiled it is "oh young grandmas are only in deprived areas" "oh I don't know ANYONE who had a child before 30"
Its just a way of bragging that they think being a young mum is peasant behaviour that they have no interaction with in the high and mighty circles they move in haha.

I'd rather them just clearly say what they actually think of us.

As a midwife, it definitely is true that older mums face more challenges health wise with pregnancy compared to a mum in their 20s. We should stop pretending that it's healthy for most women to be having babies in their mid 40s. It shouldn't be the norm for people in their 40s to be running around after toddlers while at the same time caring for parents in their 80s. I think we have it backwards. Just my personal opinion.

I think it would be an absolute nightmare for me personally to have a young child in my 40s. I'm 32 and my youngest is almost 2 and I'm hoping by the time I'm 48 or so to be done rearing my children and enjoying an empty nest.

I'm excited to be able to have the energy to engage with my grandkids.

I know this isn't the same path everyone takes but I'm delighted with our choice to have children while we were younger and more energetic. More years to enjoy the ones we love.

My husband's grandma became a great grandmother at 63ish. Her oldest great grandchild is now 8 and she may feasibly be able to enjoy a few years with her great great grandchildren.

By contrast, my grandfather didn't become a great grandfather until he was 93. It's incredible what a difference this makes in the lives of the succeeding generations.

God this thread is peak mumsnet smugness from both sides of the debate - older and younger mothers alike.

I agree with that

Don't forget the perimenopause and menopause affecting women in their 40s too!

I know a couple of women who are grandmothers in their 30s! This is rare but in some places it's not uncommon. I'm an older Mum too,fortunately haven't had anyone assuming I'm a GP, well not said anyway lol. Xx

@madamweb My DH will be 60 when he pays off his postgraduate loans. 😂

It’s personal choice to pay them slowly, because he can make the money work better for him and they certainly got him into the right career. But it’s weird that our children will be through university well before they’re paid! Mine are paid, thank goodness, I can’t stand debt.

Can’t people just live and let live? There’s so much judgement here. Nobody is forcing you to have a baby at 20 or 40. Some can’t imagine doing it young and some can’t imagine doing it old. Our bodies can have babies for as long as we are fertile, so unless we are talking about underage sex, just let people crack on with their choices. Why is motherhood so criticised, especially by other mothers?

I don't think you can re-create some experiences in your 40s and 50s.

Backpacking round grotty hostels held as little appeal for me in my 20s as it does now. It’s not an experience I’d have wanted at any age. I did enjoy travelling to places I’d always wanted to see in comfort, even a degree of luxury, in my 40s having left my 20 something child at home.

Noone has judged older mums. We've said that biologically its a higher risk. We haven't anywhere judged their parenting skills or implied their are "grim" or only to be found in "deprived" areas

Fair enough. I personally LOVED the backpacking / hostel scene in my 20s, genuinely some of my best memories and where I made tonnes of friends from around the world that I'm still in touch with. Oh, and you've just got to choose your hostels wisely - many are far from grotty! 😝

This entire thread is steeped with implicit judgement, I think.

Someone above actually said they were ‘delighted’ with themselves for having kids young. People saying they’ll actually get to know their grandkids and have energy for for toddlers. It’s probably all true but said in such an implicitly judgemental way that’s rightly getting backs up. There’s horrible stuff about younger mums too with people implying/stating they’re less educated and living in deprived areas. Women pitted against women.

I had kids at 36 and 40 and do often feel on balance I left it too late. It’s a big regret of mine and I think it’s a beautiful thing to have kids young. But it’s pros and cons each way. With kids, I wouldn’t have had my hedonistic 20s, balls to the wall careering early 30s, intense friendships/hobbies, exciting dates with a carousel of hot men, moving to a new city on a whim every few years (no school to worry about!) and just general selfishness and spontaneity. Yet, knowing what I know now, I’d likely trade it all in for more good years with my kids. Would be an absolute blast doing travel as a gran in your 40s with grandkids and disposable income. It’s just amazing that many women have carved out great careers (faaaar better than mine, hello Angela Rayner!) with young motherhood and all the fun and energy that entails. It’s pros and cons both ways.

I am in my mid 40s, and intending to spend some of tomorrow running around after a toddler, but TBF he's my nephew, my own older son is at uni, my younger aged 10 is having a lads' weekend with DH, and my Mum's 75.

Lots of things work out wonderfully, and differently, for different women / couples / families. I agree with you @couldabutdidnt - I had my older son aged 27, younger son when I was 36, DH and I travelled a fair bit together and acquired post-grad qualifications and enjoy our jobs, sons and life together. My sister had her son just before she turned 40, she's also happy and healthy, and so is her gorgeous son.