Daughter’s friend acts like a twat

[outthereandbeyond]

I’m failing as a parent here because I really don’t know where the boundary is.

my DD (8) has a friend (8) who really behaves badly, like all the time. On play dates, she is rude, never says please/thank you, throws things, breaks things (in my house) will have meltdowns and cry literally like a baby over the smallest things. Demands food then won’t eat it, defies rules when we’re together. Just everything annoying you could possibley think of in a child.

I’m ADHD, single mum & can get triggered when im overwhelmed. She came over for a play date yesterday and pushed me beyond my limits. I get a splitting headache whenever she’s around.

the mum is a good friend of mine, and I’ve tried speaking to her about it and suggesting small edits to how we parent in the pretence that we’re both fumbling through this journey. For example I suggest encouraging her to model using word when daughter cries instead of tears, or encouring our children to put on their own shoes (this child refuses to get dressed alone). My friend insists that my daughter is just as bad (she really isn’t) but I say yeah yeah, so as not to offend and to let them be as they’re finding their way in the world. I just disagree with this and feel that the girl plays up because the mum never models good behaviour.

Here is where everyone will shoot me…, my friend says she suspects her now to be SEN/autistic which would make sense - only SUSPECTS, not diagnosed. My daughter IS diagnosed with SEN.

But now my daughter accepts this awful behaviour when they’re on play dates and I don’t think my daughter should be putting up with this. One time this girl refused to wipe her bum after a poo and asked me to do it (our house). I explained that I wasn’t going to touch her body as it was private and that she ought to wipe herself or pull up her pants and deal with it at home. She screamed and cried for me to do it but I kindly declined as o didn’t think it was right to touch her, after all I wouldn’t be comfortable with someone doing it to my daughter at 8. After a few minutes all was quiet. When I went to check, my daughter, was wiping her bum for her. I pulled daughter aside and said ‘honey. That’s not your responsibility but your friends’ but my daughter said she would do it as she has special needs (not diagnosed, mind).

I told the mum and she said she thought it was fine as that’s what friends should do…. 🤯

help me, I want to guide my daughter and I don’t think she should be putting up with this in a friendship.

if I am wrong then please tell me gently.

I'd do some social stories on friendship and personal boundaries. Many women including me were taught not to say no or to suppress our own feelings, putting others ahead of ourselves ti personal detriment

I may have missed a post here, but why on earth would an 8-year-old need her bottom wiping for her? I got the bit about possible SEN, but even in that scenario... she wouldn't get it wiped for her at school, surely? And I haven't seen anything about physical or other disabilities that could impact this?

She does sound like a troubled child which is a shame, but OP you're doing the right thing putting your DD first.

From what OP has said it doesn't sound like there is a reason why she wouldn't be able to wipe her bum. I would assume that if she did need help with that OP would be aware/her mum would have said.

It could possibly be a way the little girl is trying to exert control over others. Similar to getting people to make food and not eating it. There are various reasons why she might do that - some SEN related and some not

OP is your daughter able to say why she likes this friend so much if she is begging to see her?

My mum likes to remind me of my appalling taste in friends as a very small child. Had one that I thought was fantastic - one playdate and my mum never let me near her again. I thought she was exciting and glamorous, reality she was a spoilt drama queen who bullied me.

I would not have a rude kid in my house.

Sometimes kids behave like total twats. My own kid does.

OP, I can tell that like myself, boundary setting is something that might not come easily in your life.

When you struggle with these things, you can twist and manipulate yourself every which way you can to bring change. But change never ever comes because you are trying to change other people. You cannot.

You change your behaviour. Boundaries are about YOUR OWN BEHAVIOUR. This might include no playdates ever again. No playdates at your house ever ( definitely do this at least). Never leave your kid alone at their house with the kid and mum who can't see what's going on!

I don't see any good outcome here. Over time the mum might see truth. The kid might calm over time and learn how to manage meltdowns. They might not. You just can't make people see.

If you absolutely don't want to lose the friend then I'd do things only together as adults.

As an excuse,you could say that you're struggling so much with fatigue and energy that you just can't possibly do the playdates ( when she asks).

I spend a lot of time online learning how to set boundaries and then applying them. I'm surrounded by bloody bellends, sociopathic family members and more. I shit you not. It's a lesson some of us never learnt. Look after you OP.

This thread title- what a disgusting way to speak about a child.

Stop doing the play dates as much. If she plays up tell her you will ring her mum to collect. If she doesn't stop call her parents.

Calling an 8 year old a twat is horrible. Shame on you.

Maybe this child also has SEN?

You don't have to allow her to destroy your house though. Stop inviting her.

My now 15 year old needed her bottom wiped for her until she was about 9. She has dyspraxia.

She coped with it by making sure she never did a poo at school. And to this day, she doesn't like going outside the house.

Also please note, I haven’t even gone into half the detail. One time, it honk she was seven. We were having a picnic in a park with other families, and this girl bent over and pooed her pants, in front of everyone. No warning, just bent over and pooed her pants.

the mum pulled her pants down, grabbed the poo in a tissue and put it in the bin. Laughed and carried on like normal.

another time she got her toe wet in a puddle and refused to walk home because her foot was cold. Literally refused to budge. I had to drag her because she wanted to be picked up by car - in the middle of a green park. She was perfectly capable of walking.

Sometimes kids (even 8yos, even kids with SEN) can and do behave like twats.

Aren’t you disgusting for calling me disgusting? I am diagnosed ND. She is behaving badly. Why can’t I call a spade a spade? This is an issue with this society we can’t just be honest without someone saying we’re disgusting.

ok. I’m disgusting! 🤮

You are unreasonable for continuing to put up with all this crap

If your feelings are so strong you just can't be around this. You are not bad or wrong at all to just put a stop to it.

My child is ND and you can usual see it in other kids and if the parents don't see it and try manage it accordingly it can be grating. But I was actually that parent myself once, before I woke up.

DC2 has a friend a bit like this (although not bum wiping - that is extreme). I simply stopped having them to play.

Oh for God's sake, grow up, woman! Yes I've read you're ND but that is not an excuse to be so uncouth and foul about a child. You really are a piece of work.

Calling her a twat to her face would be horrible.

Calling her a twat when talking about her on Mumsnet has no impact on the child whatsoever, and therefore isn’t doing any harm.

Also, she does sound like a twat. And it’s perfectly possible to have SEN and, quite separately from that, also be a twat.

Because this forum is anonymous it's ok for OP to vent here.

Kids really can evoke strong reactions. I don't mean just because they're SEN but sometimes humans are unlikeable including kids

Could you tell me what you mean by social stories? What does this mean? My boundaries are normally quite clear but as I am close to this friend and my daughter says they’re best friends it’s hard to say no. However after reading the comments here I think I need to be adjust this.

Agree. I think no more play dates if the mum isn’t around.

I didn’t assume my own daughter would do it!

I assumed this kid was going to do a dirty protest and wipe her arse on my bathroom walls and floor. Only once it had gone quiet that I realised my daughter had snuck in to do it.

My kid is that age, if one of his mates made him wipe his bottom I'd go fucking tread light.

Your poor DD. She'll not remember that well.

I would remain cordial but that friendship would be over.

Thanks. I have prioritised this friendship as we have a lot of similarities. We’re basically both solo mums, doing this alone, both with sick parents. But you’re right. I need to think harder about this friendship as she is quite a dominating person.