Daughter’s friend acts like a twat

[outthereandbeyond]

I’m failing as a parent here because I really don’t know where the boundary is.

my DD (8) has a friend (8) who really behaves badly, like all the time. On play dates, she is rude, never says please/thank you, throws things, breaks things (in my house) will have meltdowns and cry literally like a baby over the smallest things. Demands food then won’t eat it, defies rules when we’re together. Just everything annoying you could possibley think of in a child.

I’m ADHD, single mum & can get triggered when im overwhelmed. She came over for a play date yesterday and pushed me beyond my limits. I get a splitting headache whenever she’s around.

the mum is a good friend of mine, and I’ve tried speaking to her about it and suggesting small edits to how we parent in the pretence that we’re both fumbling through this journey. For example I suggest encouraging her to model using word when daughter cries instead of tears, or encouring our children to put on their own shoes (this child refuses to get dressed alone). My friend insists that my daughter is just as bad (she really isn’t) but I say yeah yeah, so as not to offend and to let them be as they’re finding their way in the world. I just disagree with this and feel that the girl plays up because the mum never models good behaviour.

Here is where everyone will shoot me…, my friend says she suspects her now to be SEN/autistic which would make sense - only SUSPECTS, not diagnosed. My daughter IS diagnosed with SEN.

But now my daughter accepts this awful behaviour when they’re on play dates and I don’t think my daughter should be putting up with this. One time this girl refused to wipe her bum after a poo and asked me to do it (our house). I explained that I wasn’t going to touch her body as it was private and that she ought to wipe herself or pull up her pants and deal with it at home. She screamed and cried for me to do it but I kindly declined as o didn’t think it was right to touch her, after all I wouldn’t be comfortable with someone doing it to my daughter at 8. After a few minutes all was quiet. When I went to check, my daughter, was wiping her bum for her. I pulled daughter aside and said ‘honey. That’s not your responsibility but your friends’ but my daughter said she would do it as she has special needs (not diagnosed, mind).

I told the mum and she said she thought it was fine as that’s what friends should do…. 🤯

help me, I want to guide my daughter and I don’t think she should be putting up with this in a friendship.

if I am wrong then please tell me gently.

Those of you who said I was disgusting or bad names, kindly fuck off. The reality is you know nothing about how careful and thoughtful I try to navigate this world in my situation. I try to do best by my daughter, my friends and family and myself. I don’t always get it right, and dont pretend you do either. If I listened to you and not my instinct then my daughter could end up getting really hurt by these people.

those who have shown empathy and kindness, thank you. You give me strength and courage to stay true to myself and continue on this crazy path we’re all trying to walk.

I'm really sorry that happened to your daughter. Honestly someone who does something like that (and defends it!) shouldn't be looking after children. Really nasty and scary behaviour. I hope your daughter is ok.

Honestly I'd be quite worried about your friend's daughter. If her mum will do something like this with your daughter in a car, what other things could she be doing? I think I'd be calling NSPCC to be honest. I know the thread is about the friendship but the whole picture is quite concerning, especially what's just happened.

I have no evidence for NSPCC. My 8 year old daughter’s word against this mum. I’m just going to let this go and through the years I’ll hear through our mutual friends how she’s doing. My concern is when her daughter gets to teenage years because her behaviour is so bad now. I can’t see it improving - especially with how the mum has acted now.

You posted a thread with screenshots of your text conversation with the mother about the car incident, didn’t you? But it got taken down for privacy. (Unless there’s been two extremely similar incidents with two different Mumsnetters?!)

It sounds as if the situation in the other child’s family is extremely chaotic and the mum sounds like a complete loose cannon. You’ve definitely done the right thing by taking your daughter out of the situation.

I'm glad that you've broken off the friendship, OP.

I'm ND, as are several members of my family. I've taught many ND children over the years.

I'm dismayed at the posters who have accused you of being "judgemental of a child with SEN". The child may well be ND, but what you have described is a child who is badly behaved because of inadequate parenting.

In 40 yrs of teaching, I've come across a handful of instances where poor parenting has exacerbated the difficulties encountered by ND children. The only thing that I'm certain of in the case that you describe is that poor parenting is definitely a factor. You're doing right to keep your distance from this family - your duty to your daughter comes first.

There may well be some kind of SEN to factor in here, but you're not an educationalist or a psychologist and it's not your job to fix things.