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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

On holiday thinking my marriage might be over

428 replies

Pinkyblue123 · 19/02/2025 06:42

On a skiing holiday with three groups of people including my husband and daughter. I am slower than husband and daughter as had a fall a few years ago and completely lost my confidence. My husband has been really cross with me for not being as good as him and the others. I have asked him to spend time with me to help me to get my confidence back, he just gets cross and says I am pathetic and then I tell him to go off, being shouted at and told you are shit when you are trying to ski down a slope that scares you is not helpful, so I am basically left on my own. I said yesterday that I wanted him to spend an hour with me before he went off with the others, I was feeling a bit lonely and it would be nice to not be stuck in my own all day. He then said I was pathetic, I didn’t try hard enough, I was holding him and everyone back, no one wants to ski with someone that is so rubbish. I saw red and said I understood why his management career didn’t work out if that is how he try’s to help and support people ( he left management a couple of years ago as had some feedback about his management style) this is a sore point for him and so this really stung him. He has now not spoken to me for 24 hours. He does this in an argument and it can last for days, I fully expect him to be like this for the rest of the week. So I am sat here, knowing what it will be like being blanked, trying to make things nice for my daughter, but feeling like I have had enough of being married to him. I know I have hurt him with the comment, but he can give it out but he cannot take it back.

OP posts:
ColourBlueColourPurple · 19/02/2025 11:26

When they start treating and speaking to you with such disdain, the marriage is over. You deserve better than this cruel, unkind man.

dovetail22uk · 19/02/2025 11:36

Pinkyblue123 · 19/02/2025 06:42

On a skiing holiday with three groups of people including my husband and daughter. I am slower than husband and daughter as had a fall a few years ago and completely lost my confidence. My husband has been really cross with me for not being as good as him and the others. I have asked him to spend time with me to help me to get my confidence back, he just gets cross and says I am pathetic and then I tell him to go off, being shouted at and told you are shit when you are trying to ski down a slope that scares you is not helpful, so I am basically left on my own. I said yesterday that I wanted him to spend an hour with me before he went off with the others, I was feeling a bit lonely and it would be nice to not be stuck in my own all day. He then said I was pathetic, I didn’t try hard enough, I was holding him and everyone back, no one wants to ski with someone that is so rubbish. I saw red and said I understood why his management career didn’t work out if that is how he try’s to help and support people ( he left management a couple of years ago as had some feedback about his management style) this is a sore point for him and so this really stung him. He has now not spoken to me for 24 hours. He does this in an argument and it can last for days, I fully expect him to be like this for the rest of the week. So I am sat here, knowing what it will be like being blanked, trying to make things nice for my daughter, but feeling like I have had enough of being married to him. I know I have hurt him with the comment, but he can give it out but he cannot take it back.

Can I start divorce proceedings on your behalf? This guy is a real POS and you should leave and never look back. I know it's never as easy as that but all of us here that have left horrible, miserable husbands that make us feel awful would tell you it was 100% the best decision.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 19/02/2025 11:36

thestudio · 19/02/2025 10:42

What does he say when you point out that he can dish it out relentlessly, but can't take it?

Yes. That's what I would be asking him. He's doing competitive skiing with you, because he probably can't beat the rest of the guys in his group and wants to be superior to someone. He sounds really insecure.

Book a group morning lesson and ski solo for a bit in the afternoon.
I lost form returning to skiing after a gap... DH hurtles down with no technique on the brink of an accident, so he wasn't going to be much help teaching me

It could be something simple and fixable that's holding you back, the instructor will spot it in an instant. I nearly gave up but booked into a small morning group.
The instructor took one look and said "Ski technology has improved since you last skied." He adjusted my boots, with a heel screw etc I'd not even noticed.. And suddenly I could ski properly again.. Not brilliantly but I could manage.

For your own sake, get some lessons... ( by the end of the week you'll be showing the rest of the group that any comments he's been making are unfair and unjustified. ) It was an amazing overall confidence boost to get my ski legs back and not just in skiing.

Apart from that, Ignoring you in private whilst being over charming to everyone else in public to enforce the contrast is one of the shittiest and most overly punishing moves ever. A very nasty to keep it going throughout the holiday.

Logistically, it will be difficult/pricey getting down the mountain range in a transfer to the airport mid holiday, depending on where your resort is. And it will probably make things hard for DD. And he'd go on an immediate sympathy drive citing your "unreasonableness". So I would tough it out if you can.

How to survive the week if you have to stay on and he's still trying to punish you? The others will start noticing his behaviour. He wants you upset and cowed so I'd act as though his "ignoring" behaviour was utterly normal from such a manchild and so pathetic it's not worth acknowledging. He wants to wrong foot you, so that the rest of the group think you are difficult and moody - because he's so charming to them right?

I'd give a bright and breezy superior Good Morning as if to a sulky child and crack on cheerfully with my day, generally showing him that no input from him is required as his behaviour is not going to spoil your break. He won't know what to do with that.
Or not... Not everyone will agree with that approach. It's the one I've used with difficult people in fixed situations but it may not work for you. It depends what you feel will get you through the week.
Try to enjoy your ski mornings. Visit a spa or relax in the hot tub if there is one, or have a facial, enjoy your DD's company Take the time to Have a nice coffee contemplating the glorious views and and think about your possible options you can act on when you return. Best of luck.

HardenYourHeart · 19/02/2025 11:44

DingDingRound3 · 19/02/2025 10:35

When your DD is with someone that treats her this badly, I hope you find that just as acceptable...

This is really uncalled for. OP, is already in an abusive relationship and she knows it. She is contemplating leaving, which is likely the best example she can set for her daughter. However, leaving is hard and you kicking her when she is down won't help the situation, OP or her daughter, one bit.

OhBow · 19/02/2025 11:47

I'm so sorry OP, he's a very very nasty bastard and clearly hates you.

Best of luck with the divorce, and do make sure your dc are safe from his cruelty.

Clearinguptheclutter · 19/02/2025 11:48

I'm sorry he sounds awful. Not necessarily marriage ending but definitely a time to address things.
for the rest of this week I'd either try and get an early flight home or just make the very best of it and have a very serious chat when you are home.

He does sound a bit like my xdp. Despite several frank conversations he didn't change. Hence is an ex.

OhCobblers · 19/02/2025 11:51

OP as mentioned by others any chance you can find a private instructor for a couple of hours? This massively helped me when skiing with others much better than me. Though I appreciate it's busy with 1/2 term and they might be booked up.

My DH is a great skier but ALWAYS WITHOUT FAIL stays with me or heads downhill with a meeting point in sight for us all to get to, including the kids who he has told have to be patient with me too.

If he behaved like yours he would be told to fuck off in no uncertain terms.
I'm sure this isn't the first time your husband is being an abusive wanker.
Do not apologise for anything - he deserved your comments - what a wanker.

HappyintheHills · 19/02/2025 11:51

Pinkyblue123 · 19/02/2025 09:05

No they have not seen any of it, he is charming with them. They have seen the pace I ski at so can form their own conclusions. The other couple we are with know what is like but love him so don’t say anything

They’ve seen it, and asked him if you’re ok / shouldn’t he spend some time with you. He’ll have explained. That explanation won’t reflect badly on him.

Crikeyalmighty · 19/02/2025 11:53

@OhBow that's a bit harsh - I know plenty of superior tosspots who actually love their wives a lot but still speak to them like shit- some men just sadly are like this and don't get how it looks- but I wouldn't say they hate their wives- they just love the sense of superiority more

RaveToTheGrave1 · 19/02/2025 11:54

What a melt, my husband would be pleased to spend time with me and show me how to do something if I wasn't confident, this sad excuse for a man does not appreciate you at all.

Lablonde · 19/02/2025 11:57

I always follow the advice that skiing is not an activity that partners should coach each other on as it will often lead to frustration and arguments. It can also be frustrating/boring to ski with someone of a significantly different capability level, so I don't entirely blame your partner for not having a strong desire to hang back with you for significant amounts of time when it's his one-week-a-year chance to ski.

If your confidence has (understandably) been knocked, for your own sake I'd absolutely be paying for time with an instructor and meeting up with the others for coffees/lunch/apres. We do this often in mixed level groups and it works great.

BUT this doesn't excuse your husband's overall attitude, which stinks.

OhBow · 19/02/2025 11:59

Crikeyalmighty · 19/02/2025 11:53

@OhBow that's a bit harsh - I know plenty of superior tosspots who actually love their wives a lot but still speak to them like shit- some men just sadly are like this and don't get how it looks- but I wouldn't say they hate their wives- they just love the sense of superiority more

How are you defining love there?

How can you love someone and enjoy hurting them?

I do agree though that I phrased it a bit bluntly.

Member984815 · 19/02/2025 11:59

How old is your daughter? I'd be looking to leave early and then leaving the marriage

Purplebunnie · 19/02/2025 12:00

Private lessons with a young very good looking instructor?

Joking apart I would not be putting up with your "D"H - it's your holiday as well. I would no longer agree to go skiing as a holiday - he can take the kids himself next time. I may be a bit biased but I like to be in control of my feet and skiing just doesn't do it for me

There's lots of more useful advice than that I have given, I hope you can enjoy the rest of your holiday x

Crikeyalmighty · 19/02/2025 12:02

@OhBow honestly I don't know why some men do this - but I do know plenty if asked would say they love their wife to bits but I've still seen them speaking to partners and wives in very unacceptable ways- I think we all have different ideas of what love is or should be.

OnGoldenPond · 19/02/2025 12:04

Jane958 · 19/02/2025 06:47

Does not sound like a fun situation OP.
Would you be able to sign up to a few private ski lessons to restore your confidence?

This really isn't about skiing ability! Confused

pikkumyy77 · 19/02/2025 12:12

Crikeyalmighty · 19/02/2025 11:53

@OhBow that's a bit harsh - I know plenty of superior tosspots who actually love their wives a lot but still speak to them like shit- some men just sadly are like this and don't get how it looks- but I wouldn't say they hate their wives- they just love the sense of superiority more

What is life like on your planet? Here love is not defined as by behavior like that.

Starlightbrightens · 19/02/2025 12:21

He doesn’t sound very nice but what you said to him was worse.

My husband is better skier than me; no way I will hold him back or ask him to ski with me, that would be so boring for him and the rest of the group. I just join ski school with people the same level and chill out for the rest of the time, meet them for a drink, lunch, etc.

OhBow · 19/02/2025 12:25

pikkumyy77 · 19/02/2025 12:12

What is life like on your planet? Here love is not defined as by behavior like that.

It's a really interesting and important question I think.

Having done a lot of what I'd cringingly describe as 'healing' from an abusive childhood and a bad marriage, a really big part of that was working out what is acceptable behaviour? What does it actually mean to love someone? To feel loved? What will I personally accept? What is kind and what is cruel?

Plus the whole balance of giving vs receiving.

I used to think being barely tolerated was actually ok (unconsciously)

I'm glad I spent the time figuring it out.

5128gap · 19/02/2025 12:36

You're married to a nasty piece of work. I can only imagine the sum total of human misery he caused as a bullying manager, humiliating and belittling people. This holiday has shown you this starkly and I think its going to be hard to unsee. Can you live with it?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 19/02/2025 12:45

Re your comment to him.
You told the truth.
He was pulled up on his management style for this very reason.
He didn't learn from it.
He's still doing it - to his own wife.
I bet he's still doing this at work and his colleagues are seeing it in action on the holiday.
They may not be as charmed by him as he thinks. Just trying not to rock the boat on holiday.

I don't think you should have to grovel for making that comment... if he's demanding an apology I'd be asking "When you were berating me and treating me in the same way you treated your employees when you were a manager, can you see why I pointed that out to you. Not to offend you but to get you to stop?"

3luckystars · 19/02/2025 12:55

It’s hard that he can’t be nice to you and doesn’t want to spend time with you. It doesn’t sound like much fun. Not that marriages are fun but you should be able to enjoy time together. He sounds like a bully.

What are your chances of getting away from him?

aylis · 19/02/2025 13:03

He sounds thoroughly awful and I'm sorry but speaking to you and treating you this way, especially in front of your children, IS imo marriage ending.

Daisymae23 · 19/02/2025 13:28

I can see two sides to this. Skiing holidays are expensive and I’m not a hugely confident skier so I always plan to make sure there is someone at my level to go with me or understand I’ll probably be on the blue on my own at least for the first few days. I would usually arrange to meet DH somewhere for lunch instead as I’m aware those who love black runs don’t want to hang out with me and that’s fair enough!

However, saying that. Absolutely no need to be called pathetic. Completely uncalled for.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 19/02/2025 13:49

Organisedwannabe · 19/02/2025 06:53

Not talking to you is abusive. I know it feels awful now but I really hope that you do decide your marriage is over.

The problem is where it's probably still an improvement upon what it would be like if he were to speak to her.

It did serve him right that she responded with the way he speaks to people being the reason he doesn't have the amazing job he used to have. Bollocks to it hurting, the only thing it hurt was his ego to be put back in his place for a brief moment by somebody he was treating abusively.