On holiday thinking my marriage might be over

[Pinkyblue123]

On a skiing holiday with three groups of people including my husband and daughter. I am slower than husband and daughter as had a fall a few years ago and completely lost my confidence. My husband has been really cross with me for not being as good as him and the others. I have asked him to spend time with me to help me to get my confidence back, he just gets cross and says I am pathetic and then I tell him to go off, being shouted at and told you are shit when you are trying to ski down a slope that scares you is not helpful, so I am basically left on my own. I said yesterday that I wanted him to spend an hour with me before he went off with the others, I was feeling a bit lonely and it would be nice to not be stuck in my own all day. He then said I was pathetic, I didn’t try hard enough, I was holding him and everyone back, no one wants to ski with someone that is so rubbish. I saw red and said I understood why his management career didn’t work out if that is how he try’s to help and support people ( he left management a couple of years ago as had some feedback about his management style) this is a sore point for him and so this really stung him. He has now not spoken to me for 24 hours. He does this in an argument and it can last for days, I fully expect him to be like this for the rest of the week. So I am sat here, knowing what it will be like being blanked, trying to make things nice for my daughter, but feeling like I have had enough of being married to him. I know I have hurt him with the comment, but he can give it out but he cannot take it back.

I already suggested considering if there's something here that might be salvaged with marriage counseling but then part of your post came back to my mind.

So, he spoke to you terribly and he gives you nasty, punishing silent treatments. However, what gave me pause about this being a true villain vs. innocent situation is that you retaliated with comments about his problems being a manager, ones that were intended to cut him deeply as well.

In this instance, he started the "going low" thing but I'm wondering if this is the destructive go-to way of dealing with each other that you both do.

It could be you both need counseling to learn to set ground rules for fair fighting and stick with them when tempers flare. You can't expect to have a good marriage if respect flies out the window and you go for the throat with each other whenever you feel angry, hurt or disappointed.

My husband and I fought horribly when we were young. It's just what we were raised with and what we'd automatically fall back into whenever we got angry with each other. Just coming across the "rules of fair fighting" somewhere started to turn that around for us. We were really that dumb as far as there being limits beyond which you simply do not go, even when you're justifiably angry. It was surprisingly easy to follow once we learned it because we both really wanted to stop the big fights. For example: No name calling. No threatening divorce. No "You always..." or "You never..." etc. You could probably find it on the internet. However, of course he'd have to want to change this too, if it's a habitual pattern.

When we we’ve been skiing in groups, we split the day. So mornings- everyone skis at their level. So fast people go off and whoosh about. Slow coaches (me!) have lessons or pootle about.

then everyone meets at a given location for lunch at half 1 ish. After lunch, everyone pootles around together for a couple of hours before heading back for cake and showers.

If someone wanted to skip the afternoon pootle for a couple of days then that’s no biggie. But we still get chilled afternoon ski time together.

But actually he just sounds like a twat. You would be within your rights to just get the next flight home.

Well he's horrible isn't he? You know that OP. I guess the question is what are you going to do about it?

Ive been married 20 years and dh has never spoken to me like that in his life - even during arguments. It isn't normal behaviour to treat your partner like that.

Your DH has forgotten his priorities, he’s putting impressing his colleagues before his wife’s needs. You might want to tell him you’ll recover from this when you get home but you’ll respect him a little bit less. A husband who doesn’t put his wife first in company is not a good husband.

Hate to say it, but if anyone deserved to break their leg when skiing it's your husband, OP!

Agree with pp - he's showing off to his mates, the great big twat

He sounds awful. Book the fit ski instructor on the slopes using husbands money preferably, then make plans to leave the prick when you get home.

I think I would be getting some expensive 1 to 1 lessons with a very nice handsome instructor - on hubby s credit card !

Your husband is an abuser.
Talking to you that way is abuse.
Giving you the silent treatment is abuse.
None of this is normal and your daughter is watching and learning from this.

@Pinkyblue123 If my husband called me "pathetic" - even once - I'd be giving him the silent treatment!
I'd do as others have suggested OP and book some time with a ski instructor (assuming you can) to see if you can find your confidence again. Also, when you look around, are there other people who seem to be at your current level? Could you maybe chum up with one of them so you can ski with someone, rather than alone?
Regarding his childish ignorance towards you, whilst being charming to his colleagues, he needs to remember this is only a week of his life - what's he going to do when you all get home and return to normal life and he needs your co-operation for something routine? Keep your cool OP - don't get mad, get even (and remember, revenge is a dish best served cold ... 😉).

Nothing worse than a man who acts like a sulky baby 🤢
Not to mention one who disrespects his wife so badly. Cut your losses ans get rid.

Yes, he is not being very nice to you but don’t ruin the holiday for yourself or daughter. Either book a 1 2 1 lesson or join a group.
When you are alltogether just ignore him, speak about your instuctor, give them glowing reports.
Childish i know but dont let him know it bothers you because thats what he wants.
Talk to everyone around you, talk to your daughter. When you come off the slopes take your daughter for a hot chocolate, fill your time away from him,
two can play at that game.
Once you are home you can decide where to go from here, you dont want to be the one who has put a damper on the group holiday.
Im a lot older than you are but i would not let it bother me and he wouldnt be making me feel bad. I suspect he has made your life harder than it should be because of his manner.
Time to take charge, what is it they say, “ you cant change his behaviour but you can change yours”.

Horrible man.

What do the rest of the group do when he's so vile?

I would bin him.

But I would also get some ski lessons to become amazing at skiing.

And just be better than him in every single possible way.

But he's also a shit person. Divorce him.

What a wanker. Ski holidays are for enjoying some good company, the spectacular views and some well-earned food and drink. Absolutely not for belittling those who are not quite to the standard of the rest of the group.

On the plus side, I feel like the greatest ever for taking my non-skiing partner to red run daredevil within 5 ski trips, so thanks for that OP!

He doesn't like you.

Do you want to waste your life with that kind of person? Learn to love yourself more. If that means going it alone without him, so be it. At least you'll be happier.

Good on you for actually trying to ski after loosing confidence with it, not pathetic at all he should be giving some time to help you / spend time with you at the very least. Hope you’re ok keep you’re head up x

So, when he's talking to you he's abusive and when you respond he abuses you with silence? I think you know what you need to do here.

He sounds like a nasty cunt. Get out for your and your daughter’s sake. You don’t want her learning that it’s ok to be treated like this in a relationship.

It sounds like your husband is determined to please/entertain his work colleagues as a matter of priority. You can tow the line and fall into place, as far as he is concerned. It sounds like he lacks confidence with them but also wants to show off - horrendous combination - and you're caught in the crossfire.

Skiing holidays with mixed ability groups require some management for everyone to enjoy themselves but are certainly doable if people care about their friends and aren't ski-wankers. Usually there are a few assholes in a big group though (or people who suddenly become assholes in this context). I always, always made sure there was someone roughly of my level going, if it was a trip with mostly work friends. But I am also robust enough to say - you go ahead, I'm ok to stay behind whatever it was they were doing.

I have been the beginner, the intermediate, and the 'advanced' person at various points on trips. I would have been dreading this trip, in your shoes, after the fall.

Your husband is a ski-tosser and a common or garden tosser.

I realised there was nothing left to salvage whilst on holiday with my exH. He was horrible to DD and I just snapped. As soon as I got the money together I filed for divorce.

So it's more important to him to show off to his friends than it is to be kind to his wife. He sounds full of himself. I hope you can find some things to enjoy there, OP.

You've reached the right decision OP.

He's embarrassed of your skiing ability in front of his work colleagues.

He gets off on upsetting you with the silent treatment, so now it's time to let it wash over you like water off a duck's back. Crack on with your holiday, spending quality time on your own, enjoy coffees, cake, drinks whatever on your own and make sure he sees you being happy with a smile on your face.

This is the last time you ever have to suffer a miserable holiday with him.

Once back, get your ducks in a row and end the marriage. He's utterly vile. He thoroughly deserved what you said to him, after him chipping away at your confidence and criticising you. Right back atcha sunshine. Your husband's a dick. Get rid.

I bet they do when they're on their own.

As someone else advised get a ski instructor and enjoy your holiday.

If my husband ever called me pathetic that would be the last day of him being my husband!

Who does that and thinks it's acceptable??