Page 12 | On holiday thinking my marriage might be over

pestowithwalnuts · 19/02/2025 18:36

What an awful man.
You'd be better off without him.

TattooGuineaPig · 19/02/2025 18:39

Aside from the twatty behavior of your DH I would not go out on the slopes again. Have a sauna and some apres-ski champagne and read a book or take a nap. Fuck him. (not literally).

TheFunHare · 20/02/2025 10:58

I think adrenaline and being surrounded by testosterone can bring out the worst in men but if he didn't apologise at the end of the day then he's just an idiot. Keep a smile on your face for the holiday and then tell him where to go.

StormingNorman · 20/02/2025 13:48

It’s a shame that there’s nobody who skis at your pace. Whenever I’ve been skiing with friends and family (all my life with groups from 10 - 70+ people) we’ve always split into ability groups rather than family groups.

It’s not really feasible to spend “just an hour” with you without losing half a day or possibly a whole day’s good skiing because he won’t be able to catch the others up if they’re skiing across a large area.

Private ski lessons are the way to go. If you haven’t got your confidence back after a fall a couple of years ago, your husband isn’t going to be able to give it back to you just by skiing slowly for an hour. You need proper teaching.

ColdWaterDipper · 20/02/2025 17:46

I don’t often say this but….LTB! He really sounds like a nasty piece of work. My husband is a snowboarder converted to skiing and while he’s still reasonably good, he does struggle to keep the same pace as the rest of us when we go down steeper reds and black runs (for context ‘the rest of us’ is my sibling & their partner, my tween children, and me, all of us have been skiing twice a year every year since we were about 2 years old). So back to my husband, do we shout at him and leave him behind when he’s feeling nervous or just going a bit slower than the rest of the group? No of course not, either me or my brother ski behind everyone right at the back to make sure we’re there to help if someone crashes, or has difficulty. My 13 year old usually leads the pack, and knows to stop and wait for everyone, every so often. Any sign of the boys saying “oh daddy you’re slow” or anything like that is nipped in the bud immediately - skiing is fun, and should be for everyone, and there is always something nice to say!

It’s great that you are making the trip nice for your daughter but is the atmosphere awkward with the other adults - they must have noticed how your DH is treating you?

Ellejay67 · 20/02/2025 17:48

Pinkyblue123 · 19/02/2025 06:42

On a skiing holiday with three groups of people including my husband and daughter. I am slower than husband and daughter as had a fall a few years ago and completely lost my confidence. My husband has been really cross with me for not being as good as him and the others. I have asked him to spend time with me to help me to get my confidence back, he just gets cross and says I am pathetic and then I tell him to go off, being shouted at and told you are shit when you are trying to ski down a slope that scares you is not helpful, so I am basically left on my own. I said yesterday that I wanted him to spend an hour with me before he went off with the others, I was feeling a bit lonely and it would be nice to not be stuck in my own all day. He then said I was pathetic, I didn’t try hard enough, I was holding him and everyone back, no one wants to ski with someone that is so rubbish. I saw red and said I understood why his management career didn’t work out if that is how he try’s to help and support people ( he left management a couple of years ago as had some feedback about his management style) this is a sore point for him and so this really stung him. He has now not spoken to me for 24 hours. He does this in an argument and it can last for days, I fully expect him to be like this for the rest of the week. So I am sat here, knowing what it will be like being blanked, trying to make things nice for my daughter, but feeling like I have had enough of being married to him. I know I have hurt him with the comment, but he can give it out but he cannot take it back.

How old are your family members including yourself? Do you confide in the other women in the group? I found my husband could be such an arsehole around the time the children were 12 and 13 ish. You know when you start to lose the kids to their friends and pursuits and start to spend more time with the husband. It gets worse when the kids grow up more although for us we had covid so they were forced to stay with us 😆.... you feel redundant and wondering how the hell you came here. Do something about it before you get too old.

Judecb · 20/02/2025 17:48

What you need to ask yourself is, do you want to live for the next 40 odd years with someone so selfish and unkind.

Weald56 · 20/02/2025 17:54

DustyLee123 · 19/02/2025 06:46

I’d be looking at early flights home

That was my thought too.

DiduAye · 20/02/2025 17:55

His behaviour is classic abuse LTB

petitfromage · 20/02/2025 17:55

This is quite a tricky one. Skiing as some people have said can be very testeroney with a need to prove how good you are. Definitely sounds like your DH needed to prove himself and was blaming you for your lack of confidence (totally wrong). Ego and skiing go hand in hand (I used to live and work in a ski resort) so try to separate the two then work out what you want to do. Don't conflate two things. But having said that my DH is a much better skier than me (I'm ok ish) so he does boys trips as well. But he says he loves skiing with me and I believe him... Two hours of blues and reds then a long lunch! Heaven. Good luck OP x

petitfromage · 20/02/2025 18:00

Just following on from above I meant either you love your marriage and find a way to compromise eg making ski trips work for both of you or there is something fundamentally not working and the ski trip just highlighted it....

ThisZanyPinkSquid · 20/02/2025 18:04

Personally I would be catching a flight home. He sounds so toxic!

BobbyBiscuits · 20/02/2025 18:04

You were right to tell him that his style of communication is terrible and not remotely motivating or helpful.

Skiing is difficult and dangerous. You can't just suddenly start bombing down a big slope when you're scared of hurting yourself. Imagine how unsupportive he'd be if you broke your leg!

I couldn't even work out how to use the button lift. I ended up ice skating on my own and sitting in the bar. No way would I risk my health just to try and keep up with the others. But I wasn't with family, so didn't expect anyone to stay with me.

He sounds horrible. He needs to apologise and you need to think carefully where to go from here. If he's like that in most aspects of your lives together then you'd be better off single.

therosierose · 20/02/2025 18:04

You poor thing, that’s so awful for you. You are not being unreasonable, maybe have a trial time away. Do you have a relative or friend to stay with for a few days? Say to him you need a break and he’s gone too far and upset you, then whilst you’re gone he can reflect and realise what he’s lost. When you go back say your terms and conditions to going back to normal.

YourRubyMaker · 20/02/2025 18:07

I haven’t read the whole thread but please tell me when you get home you leave the horrible cretin !!

YourRubyMaker · 20/02/2025 18:07

Or even leave him now

Itstimetoquit · 20/02/2025 18:07

He sounds awful op x

ProfessionalPirate · 20/02/2025 18:08

Jane958 · 19/02/2025 06:47

Does not sound like a fun situation OP.
Would you be able to sign up to a few private ski lessons to restore your confidence?

I think this is missing the actual issue here somewhat? Ie her husband is a nasty bastard.

Wishyouwerehere50 · 20/02/2025 18:08

Two words - total cunt.

tuiblue · 20/02/2025 18:11

Sorry you are in this situation OP. My heart went out to you. I had a similar experience but with sailing. Sensing simmering anger and impatience and then being shouted at does not encourage you to feel safe or loved, or confident in your ability to improve and get back to your full capabilities. X hope by now the situations improved.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 20/02/2025 18:12

Wishyouwerehere50 · 20/02/2025 18:08

Two words - total cunt.

Comments like this make me yearn to "up vote."

Supergirl1958 · 20/02/2025 18:13

He humiliated you in front of friends and your daughter! LTB!!

Freud2 · 20/02/2025 18:13

You could suggest marriage counselling which would hopefully highlight his poor communication style. There's nothing worse than blanking your spouse - it's so provocative and sorts nothing. So sorry you're having such a horrible time. Fingers crossed that you manage at least to get a dialogue going.

GameOfJones · 20/02/2025 18:18

Giving someone the silent treatment is abusive. It's also the marker of a real nasty piece of work that doesn't have any emotional intelligence.

Your husband is meant to be on your team. Not shouting at you and calling you names. You were spot on about his management style....you can spot these dickheads a mile off.

It would be over for me. He has absolutely no respect for you. I would assume my DH hated me if he spoke to me the way you say your husband has. Worse is that your daughter knows he's like this too.

0ctavia · 20/02/2025 18:18

Freud2 · 20/02/2025 18:13

You could suggest marriage counselling which would hopefully highlight his poor communication style. There's nothing worse than blanking your spouse - it's so provocative and sorts nothing. So sorry you're having such a horrible time. Fingers crossed that you manage at least to get a dialogue going.

A counsellor will not criticise her husbands communication style . He or she might ask the Op how she feels about it. But her husband already knows how she feels about it - it not that he doesn’t know, it’s that he doesn’t care .

A counsellor can’t make a man care about something he doesn’t care about.

Also stonewalling is a form of abuse and joint counselling is not recommended when there is abuse in a marriage .

But of course Op could go for counselling herself , if she wanted to, that might be helpful.