On holiday thinking my marriage might be over

[Pinkyblue123]

On a skiing holiday with three groups of people including my husband and daughter. I am slower than husband and daughter as had a fall a few years ago and completely lost my confidence. My husband has been really cross with me for not being as good as him and the others. I have asked him to spend time with me to help me to get my confidence back, he just gets cross and says I am pathetic and then I tell him to go off, being shouted at and told you are shit when you are trying to ski down a slope that scares you is not helpful, so I am basically left on my own. I said yesterday that I wanted him to spend an hour with me before he went off with the others, I was feeling a bit lonely and it would be nice to not be stuck in my own all day. He then said I was pathetic, I didn’t try hard enough, I was holding him and everyone back, no one wants to ski with someone that is so rubbish. I saw red and said I understood why his management career didn’t work out if that is how he try’s to help and support people ( he left management a couple of years ago as had some feedback about his management style) this is a sore point for him and so this really stung him. He has now not spoken to me for 24 hours. He does this in an argument and it can last for days, I fully expect him to be like this for the rest of the week. So I am sat here, knowing what it will be like being blanked, trying to make things nice for my daughter, but feeling like I have had enough of being married to him. I know I have hurt him with the comment, but he can give it out but he cannot take it back.

It’s so unthinkable that someone who is supposed to love you could be as cruel to you as this inadequate twat is.

Because he is inadequate. He’s shit at his job, he’s insecure, he’s a bully to make his own failings feel less and he’s a shit husband.

He sounds awful, OP. And I know all about the silent treatment...my exH refused to speak to me all the time, for no reason. A week was standard, and I think his record was three weeks. I would ask a million times "What's wrong?" and he would reply "Nothing." I think that for the nine years we lived together, he literally spent about half that time not speaking to me. He developed such contempt for me that he eventually left. He was a narcissist.

So I really sympathise.

Life is way too short for this. And he won't get any better as he ages. In my experience, once there's contempt of this level, nothing can save things.

I would start planning for my future without him if I were you. Back in my days of being held emotionally hostage to an abusive exH, I would dream of being a single gal in a cute little flat. I have such peace nowadays.

No one deserves to be treated this way, OP.

Well I’m not saying it to kick her when down (sorry OP), more to kick her into action. Honestly most women will do anything for their kids, so do this, don’t let him treat you like shit.

YANBU - if it were me I’d give him up as a bad job on this holiday and let him play the big man with his colleagues. If your daughter is happy to ski with him so be it - tell her for now that you don’t want to hold her and the others back and you are happy to entertain yourself.
At some point others in the party will notice if they haven’t already, that there is something not quite right between you and him and if anyone asks I’d be telling them exactly why he’s giving you the cold shoulder. There won’t be many who don’t agree with the ‘don’t give it if you can’t take it” sentiment.
I accept that by doing this he will be even more unhappy when he realises that the image he’s trying to convey has been tarnished, but sometimes fighting fire with fire is the only way to resolve issues.
Being honest on first reading I did think that perhaps you wanting him with you for support was a little over the top. I have no experience of ski ing holidays but do know from friends that they often ski separately or miss out sessions if they are of different abilities.
The more I’ve read about his attitude towards you though the more I think it stinks -
whether it’s marriage ending, only you can decide but I certainly wouldn’t be doing anything to try and appease him when you are away. You did nothing wrong in saying what you did - there is irrefutable evidence to support it,
Hope you can manage to enjoy the rest of your holiday

Go and book yourself some lessons now - ask around at where you are staying I'd be optimistic you can find someone to help you brush up and get your confidence back - seriously pay whatever it costs so you can enjoy your precious holiday time. I hope you find a younger, fitter, better looking, more patient guy you can wax lyrical about to your grumpy, selfish husband ;-)

I saw red and said I understood why his management career didn’t work out if that is how he try’s to help and support people ( he left management a couple of years ago as had some feedback about his management style) this is a sore point for him and so this really stung him. He has now not spoken to me for 24 hours

Good. Let the wanker sulk.

Be a role model to your Daughter, show her that she shouldn't put up with an abusive man.

Are you married to my exH?? Sorry OP, I have been through similar and it's soul destroying. Being left behind on the slopes, looked at like I'm a pathetic mess then given the silent treatment. How anyone can treat someone they are meant to love like that is beyond me.

If he wants to go and ski faster, he can talk to you about it like an adult (Hey pinkyblue, I fancy a few faster runs down, shall we ski together to the cafe and I'll find you there after for a drink? Shall we book you a 1-1 lesson tomorrow to try and get your confidence up a bit?)

It's not hard for an emotionally mature person to figure this out. For a man-child who has tantrums like a toddler, it seems impossible though.

@pikkumyy77 I wrote that in response to someone who said he hates her - I think that was incredibly harsh and not helping- I doubt he hates her at all, just think he's an arrogant wanker who was bang out of order name calling. Skiing often brings out the worst in arrogant tossers- same with sailing.

I love when this happens on Mumsnet , when you see 2 people that are soul mates. !!!!!!

Starlightbrightens & Daisymae23 🙄

Your husband shouldn’t upset you or make you sad. It’s as simple as that. He sounds horrible.

So sad to read your post. The saddest part is that your DH doesn't want to help you. I know it's not so simple to untangle a marriage but he might be ready. If so, you need a razor sharp solicitor to protect you. Potentially, he's just a blow-hard bully but make sure you have someone who can stop him and his solicitor from screwing you with the fine print.
At the end of our marriage, things were rocky between me an DH, mostly due to my choices, but he would totally have spent an hour or more helping me, especially in a shared activity, and I would have done the same for him. Plus, we would have done it 'professionally' at a minimum - just two neutral people at a job working to help each other.
He was a very capable sulker/grumpy git but neither of us ever went for the silent treatment. (unlike his asshole brother whose wife, rightly, left him ...)

Don't give him any attention. No sex, don't bring him food or drink. Make plans for if this was date one or three would you see him again. If the answer is no, tell him that you're rethinking not just this holiday but your future together. Give him a bloody kick up the arse.

I would do the same.

Yes you just need to make that call/email to a solicitor then sit back and sigh relief! Never seen the C word mentioned so much in a thread! Deserved in this case ... this alone speaks volumes OP

Perhaps you could do a class, to build your confidence.
clearly your husband is being mean,
but it must also be frustrating not to ski with the pack, and not to be able to do the fun fast skiing etc.

Maybe not helpful in terms of how he’s acting as I don’t think he’s being at all kind or supportive but I lost confidence skiing last year so this year my husband booked me a private lesson. It really helped! I would definitely do this if you can x

Any decent husband would leave the other group and spend time with you.
Yes, the slopes will be ultra-busy as it’s half term - so you are contending with risky behaviour from other (sometimes out of control and excessive speed) skiiers too - concerning at any time, more some if you have had a previous bad experience. The brain remembers doesn’t it.

If it were me I would go off alone, but choose the quieter, safer, gentler slopes and stay on slopes where I was comfortable (your confidence will return skiing the same runs).
I would also distance myself from him by going for a sauna/swim afterwards - and leave him to think, and consider his own behaviour.

Haven’t RTFT, but what a rude twat he is. I’m a nervous skier and tend to do my own thing when we go as I can’t tackle the same slopes as everyone else. But my DH would never react like that if I asked him to spend a hour skiing with me, it’s an hour out of the entire trip, ffs.

As others have advised, do whatever you feel like for the rest of the holiday (book a couple of lessons, pamper yourself, etc.) and he can impose his twattish self on other people. Also use the time to think about what you want long term, because you deserve to be treated with respect and love. If this isn’t his typical behavior, I’d give him a warning when you get home that any more of this behavior and you’re ending the relationship. If it is typical, perhaps it’s time to end it now.

Great post, go do stuff you enjoy. There's no requirement for you to feel like you can't just have fun on your own terms on holiday without stress or pressure. Of course it doesn't feel that way because you are with a deeply coercive man who makes you feel you have to get on the slopes, in a mandatory way, and then KEEP UP or be verbally abused. Sounds bloody awful.

I think he's not the right man for you tbh and I don't say that lightly. He just sounds like an over sensitive over dramatic nasty piece of work.

Oh I really feel for you OP. For some reason, there is nothing more miserable than a miserable skiing holiday. I don't know what it is, maybe it's because it's physically challenging that it makes you feel so much worse when it goes wrong. I've been there and I haven't been skiing since it put me off so much!!

I've no advice re your husband I'm afraid but I would consider going home, you'll likely make yourself ill if you continue or even injure yourself.

I remember going on a skiing holiday with my parents and some of their friends over 20 years ago. One of the mums’ husbands was like this. Now in her 60s, she’s still miserable and wondering whether to leave him.

"I know I have hurt him with the comment, but he can give it out but he cannot take it back."

The truth hurts though doesn't it? I suspect you just hit the nail on the head completely with your comment and I think you were marvellous for saying it!

I agree with a PP that it needs addressing sooner rather than later and if he's ignoring you or is out, then a message is fine. Sometimes it's easier to get your point across without being talked over or belittled, or getting your words in a muddle trying to explain yourself.

"Firstly, I am not going to apologise for my comment. I have taken so much criticism over this week about how crap I am at skiing and how I'm "ruining" your holiday so you shouldn't blame me for snapping back and responding to the constant put downs. Believe me, this has ruined my holiday too.

I am very hurt and upset that on a family holiday you can't and won't even spend an hour with me, helping to build my confidence back up on skis. Perhaps you'd bounce back from a fall like I had, but no two people are the same and we all deal with things differently. Some consideration to your wife's feelings would be appreciated.

If you cannot see this from my point of view, there is literally no point in me having come on this holiday and I won't be coming on another."

Well, if he is good otherwise then maybe divorce may be leap. But I know that I would think exactly that with his treatment of you.

Dont’t apologise for what you said to him - it is true. At least until he apologises profusely to you about all he’s said! And the way he’s treating you.

Insist on a convo right away and don’t spend a week on a holiday that’s already sounding dire and allow it to get worse for you!

How depressing 😒