Jealous MIL

[CJ98]

I am due to go back to work in March once my maternity leave ends, the issue I’m having is my MIL is never happy with the days we’ve arranged with her.
Both myself and my partner are going back to work full time & will be having the same two days off work to spend it as a family - these being Tuesday & Saturday.
My MIL said she could have our daughter Sunday to Tuesday & my mum would have her Wednesday to Friday, we agreed with her that Tuesdays wouldn’t be ideal as we want to use that day to spend time as a family. She agreed with Sunday & Monday. She’s now decided to inform us that she can no longer do Sundays as her partner wants the weekend to spend as a family. As you can imagine we've now had to ask my mum if she’d have our daughter Sunday, Wednesday to Friday. Neither of them will be having our daughter over night, and it’s simply because me and my partners shifts overlap. I’ll be working 7-16 or 10-18 he will be working 10-18 or 14-22 and so we need someone to basically have our child in between.
My MIL has now said she’s really upset that she’s only getting one day a week with our daughter and she doesn’t think it’s fair that my mum will be spending more time with her.
At the moment my mum doesn’t have our daughter on her own (I go to my mums once a week and this is the only time my mum sees our daughter) whereas my MIL has her once a week on her own & has her for the full day. Shes never been happy with the one day a week system we having going on, she currently has our daughter on a Tuesday but because she works Wednesday to Saturday she basically wants our daughter those three days. At the moment her having her on a Tuesday works as I’m still on maternity leave so that one day a week is giving me a break but I’m worried that if she continues having our daughter on a Tuesday both me and my partner are going to feel like we are only having her once a week which is something we want to avoid.
we both are well aware that we are going to miss out on some time with our daughter as going back to full time isn’t going to be easy but we want to try and make time for us as a family hence us having the same days off.
I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of everything & I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do to make everyone happy.
Am I being unreasonable or selfish for telling her no to having our daughter on a Tuesday ?
Am I being unreasonable for asking my mum to have our daughter more than my MIL because it’s simply easier & my mum is extremely happy to do this.
am I just being unreasonable full stop. 😣

My MIL can’t do any other day as she’s adamant to only have our daughter Sunday to Tuesday, she’s the one that said she now can’t work Sundays as she wants to spend time with her family & insists we lose a day with our daughter by taking away one of the only days we’d spend together as a family so that she can have her.

OP why can't MIL hav her weekend with her partner, then your daughter Monday and Tuesday?

Is your Tuesday day off set? If you moved it to Wednesday your problem would be solved I think

I guess it also depends how much you want to work around the grandparents. As others have pointed out you said you did have some flexibility in which day off you could both have, and it's been suggested you could take wednesdays off. This would let MIL have the Mon and Tues.
I think you are putting a lot onto your own mum who hasn't have the child alone yet and expecting her to take on 4 days of childcare.
You also seem happy for the grandparents to either be at their paid job or looking after your child, but keen to ensure you and your DH have two days off together. It has been suggested that you take different days off and reduce your family day to one, meaning that your child (who you chose to have) is then looked after by a parent on 3 days of the week, leaving just two days each for a grandparent (rather than your poor mum having to do 4!!!).

Personally I think this plan of grandparents looking after your child is going to fail, the grandmothers are going to be exhausted and realise they don't have time to see their friends, make routine appointments and generally do household jobs and life admin.

Also are you paying them or at least offering to? With my first my mum looked after them 3 days a week but I did give her money each month (yes it was a token gesture and probably did come back to me in other ways but the thought was there. This is what my friends did too.)

Her partner has put his foot down and said he wants his weekends free to spend it with his family but my MIL also works Saturdays.
We have sat down and spoke about potentially moving our day off to Wednesday so that she can have our daughter on Tuesday but it’s something we both need to speak to our workplace about, with us being managers we are needed for set days at work but we are trying to find ways to make it work so that both our families have an equal share of childcare

I don't blame her partner tbh. If he works mon - Fri and she works Saturday then Sunday is their only day off together.

I think your whole plan needs a rethink.

I think you've gone above and beyond, following your recent update. I wouldn't be changing my work pattern to suit someone else, especially if my DH also had to do the same then had to coordinate the two. Not sure why ILs can't just see it for what it is, an unfortunate circumstance where things just don't align as they'd prefer.

@Classicstripewastaken you don't think MIL having Sunday off with her partner after working herself is reasonable?

Or put another way, MIL has NO days for her family while OP manages 2

@nahthatsnotforme that's absolutely not what I said or intended. If ILs are unable to do a day for whatever reason (and the one they've given is reasonable) then that's unfortunate but I don't think OP should be expected to give up her day with DD or change work patterns to accommodate a different preferred day if it doesn't suit them to do that.

But they need the childcare for their daughter so they do need to change surely ?

The MIL isn't the selfish one in this instance IMO

This!!

The most recent OP updates really make me think she’s not fond of the in-laws (despite their incredibly generous childcare offering). “she cant work Sundays” (so you do acknowledge that this is unpaid work), and her partner “put his foot down” to say that they should have one day a week together?! Yikes.

Obviously MIL cannot “insist” on taking your daughter literally ever so this is all just so dramatic - just say no.

The OPs contempt for her MIL is obvious from the thread title. Had she titled it 'oh shit I've really cocked up my back to work plan' I'd have had more sympathy.

Instead it's all about her days off shared with her partner and what's best for her, with little regard for grandmas, and even worse for her daughter.

I get along with my in laws perfectly fine, the issue I have is they have constantly changed the days they have offered to have our daughter to suit themselves. First it was they could have her on a Tuesday, then it was my MIL works most Tuesdays so she’d have her on a Sunday, then it was actually we’ll have her on a Monday because I have Sunday to Tuesday off. Now it’s she can’t have her Sundays because her partner says no because they go away a lot for the weekends. But then expects us to not spend time with our daughter on a Tuesday which is our day off, so we’re expected to move our day off to another day so they can have the two days off. We have been speaking both this for months and everytime we have suggested working around them they change it at the last minute. It’s frustrating that we have to change everything to suit them. I completely understand we are extremely lucky to have both parents OFFERING (not insisting) to look after our child but have one set of grandparents not working with us.

Again this is why I see this plan failing. If you have been discussing it for months and there are still issues I don't see it working long term.

The person I feel most sorry for is your own mum as you are expecting her to pick up the slack of MIL not being available and to do an extra day while still not seeing that you and your partner should be the ones to each take a day separately with your child.

The person I feel most sorry for is your own mum as you are expecting her to pick up the slack of MIL not being available and to do an extra day while still not seeing that you and your partner should be the ones to each take a day separately with your child.

This is all true.

If we both take separate days off my MIL would still insist on taking our daughter on a Tuesday. She only has Monday and Tuesday off work. My partner can’t change his days off so would still need Tuesday and Saturday to be his days off (I’m the only one with the flexibility to change my days off expect I have to work Sundays so would be having Saturdays off. The rule at both of our workplace is we have to work one day of the weekend and when both of us are needed to work Sundays we have to have Saturdays off) so even if my partner takes Tuesdays off to spend it with our daughter she’d only end up going to my MIL anyway because his mum insists on having her on Tuesdays.
My MIL will not change her days off so that she can have our daughter any other day.
Im happy to take Wednesdays off but again my partner would still be missing a day with our daughter as his mum would insist on taking her.

OP you are changing and adding to the story as we go along.

I hope you can work something out that means you'll all be happy

this all seems really messy and unfair on everyone.
Just look into the 15 funded free hours (which goes up to 30 hours in Sept) and 20% tax free childcare like the majority of people do. More stability and routine for all of you.

You just disagreed with my direct quote of “insist” and then used it again in your next post 😂 Your MIL cannot “insist” on having your daughter. She can request it, and you can say no.

We say no & then she complains she hardly sees our daughter & then throws that my mum will be seeing our daughter more than she will at us.

It wouldn't be fair on your daughter to give up the limited family time you have. She's already got a huge amount of time with grandparents. Maybe compromise that you'll let her know any days where you and DP need to get DIY or chores caught up on on a Tuesday but that you ideally want to have 2 days a week as a family unit.

the days they have offered to have our daughter to suit themselves.

Of course they have! They are volunteering to help you. If your PiL’s offer doesn't work for you, then decline and find something else.

And this is exactly why OP comes across as having a very entitled attitude. Everyone else has to fit in around her & her DH, when they are all doing her an enormous favour by offering to provide childcare so they don't have to pay.

Working in retail, just like many other jobs, involves compromise when children come into the mix. Even when OP finally admits that her preferred non working days might need to change, it still comes across as being a huge inconvenience.

OP it does sound very frustrating. Your MIL can't expect you to give your child to her on a day you are not working ( this then doesn't become childcare at all ) you need certain days for childcare and unfortunately she can't do it on those days , so for that reason she is unable to provide childcare. Also she should not be comparing the amount if time the other grandparents are having dc , they can't have child on that day so it's not that it's 'not fair' it's because your parents are available and more flexible. You should not have to give MIL dc because she thinks it's unfair , is unavailable on the days you need and expects your time with your family to work around her. I'd stick to your guns , she can't have dc on Tuesday or Saturday, is willing to help on the days you need , if not, that's not on you and you should not feel guilty about it. Just means you might need to find alternative care on those days.

Your MIL is unreasonable for wanting to look after your child on the day you’re not working.

In my opinion you need to have a sit down with your partner and both sets of parents and come up with a solution that everyone is happy with.

Do you have to return full time? Could you not do 3 or 4 days per week instead.

It might be better to put DD into childcare for 2 days a week and ask your mum to have her 2 days and then MIL on the Monday. This seems more fair in my opinion.