Jealous MIL

[CJ98]

I am due to go back to work in March once my maternity leave ends, the issue I’m having is my MIL is never happy with the days we’ve arranged with her.
Both myself and my partner are going back to work full time & will be having the same two days off work to spend it as a family - these being Tuesday & Saturday.
My MIL said she could have our daughter Sunday to Tuesday & my mum would have her Wednesday to Friday, we agreed with her that Tuesdays wouldn’t be ideal as we want to use that day to spend time as a family. She agreed with Sunday & Monday. She’s now decided to inform us that she can no longer do Sundays as her partner wants the weekend to spend as a family. As you can imagine we've now had to ask my mum if she’d have our daughter Sunday, Wednesday to Friday. Neither of them will be having our daughter over night, and it’s simply because me and my partners shifts overlap. I’ll be working 7-16 or 10-18 he will be working 10-18 or 14-22 and so we need someone to basically have our child in between.
My MIL has now said she’s really upset that she’s only getting one day a week with our daughter and she doesn’t think it’s fair that my mum will be spending more time with her.
At the moment my mum doesn’t have our daughter on her own (I go to my mums once a week and this is the only time my mum sees our daughter) whereas my MIL has her once a week on her own & has her for the full day. Shes never been happy with the one day a week system we having going on, she currently has our daughter on a Tuesday but because she works Wednesday to Saturday she basically wants our daughter those three days. At the moment her having her on a Tuesday works as I’m still on maternity leave so that one day a week is giving me a break but I’m worried that if she continues having our daughter on a Tuesday both me and my partner are going to feel like we are only having her once a week which is something we want to avoid.
we both are well aware that we are going to miss out on some time with our daughter as going back to full time isn’t going to be easy but we want to try and make time for us as a family hence us having the same days off.
I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of everything & I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do to make everyone happy.
Am I being unreasonable or selfish for telling her no to having our daughter on a Tuesday ?
Am I being unreasonable for asking my mum to have our daughter more than my MIL because it’s simply easier & my mum is extremely happy to do this.
am I just being unreasonable full stop. 😣

What an unpleasant response. The poster didn't deserve that at all.

But you said childcare for 5 days would cost £260 a week.
So if you add up the cost of childcare for a month and it's basically a month's wage, then one of you must be earning (maybe slightly over) £260 a week ...

So either your maths is wrong, you're being very underpaid or you're exaggerating the cost of childcare in relation to a month's wage.

Blimey OP can you not see that you're expecting your MIL and her partner to give up so much of their time so you can have just what you want

God people are so nasty and jealous! So you can't speak about your offer of help because other people aren't that fortunate?! I'm also lucky that my mum is always around to help... why on earth would you pay for childcare when you have this offer! People are so ridiculous.. anyway... she is your daughter not your MILLS, you have said Tuesday is your day and that's that. If she doesn't like it then it's her problem and she doesn't have to help. Why would she expect you to let her have your daughter on your day off 😅 simple "thanks for the offer but we are off tuesdays and want DD"

That's fair, it could well have happened like you described. That does mean that MIL volunteered herself and to some extent, her partner, without discussing it with him first. But OP says the current arrangement is that MIL has her GC once a week and isn't happy with that, and I would be surprised if she hasn't mentioned it to her own partner in some way before i.e. "I wish we could see GC more", "can't wait to see GC more once DIL goes back to work" or whatever.

Although now I have written that out, and thought about The Many Things I Have Learnt From Mumsnet, she probably has mentioned it, and her partner hasn't paid any attention at all until it almost became reality 😂

It's great that both granny's want to help with childcare, but as you are already discovering that can come with its own problems. Do the grannies get on? I think the key here is to make them feel like a team rather than competitors where you all work together to find a solution that works (and they can ideally be each others backstops if problems occur). You also have the added difficulty of working weekends which makes the nursery option more complicated anyway. In your shoes I would do what PPs have suggested, change your shifts (if this is possible) so you each have a day with your DD then a day off together as a family. That way you only have four days to cover and you can work out with the grannies the best way to split that. It's not unreasonable that your MIL wants a family day with her partner on a Sunday, it is unreasonable that she can't see you want a family day with your DD on your days off. Remember also that childcare is a moveable feast - looking after a baby that has regular naps is a different prospect to running round after an active toddler - so what works at the start may work less well going forward.

I think your best options are;

1. Tell mil you're sorry but that's just how it's got to go OR
2. Change the Tuesday day off to a different day off

For what it's worth, it doesn't sound at all like you're being entitled and taking the piss, it sounds like both grandparents really want to help and have time with your child and that's nice, and if that is the case then you shouldn't feel bad for taking them up on it. However it's not reasonable for your mil to try to take 1 of your 2 days with your child, even if she is helping by giving free childcare. But I agree that it's fair for her partner to want to keep Sundays free for them to have their family time.

I think if it was me I'd try for option 2 of changing the day off, seems like a fairly simple solution (if your employers are okay with that) and keeps everyone happy

Completely agree. We have no child care whatsoever. They're in school full days now, so we take a day off sometimes to actually get time on our own together. I get jealous when I see all of these devoted grandparents on the school runs! There is only dh, and I.

I do however get your point op, and maybe having no help is actually less stressful in a way! Maybe if I was in your situation, I would want to go back to mine. You can not please everybody, I think you have to do what suits you in this scenario, and what will happens with MIL as a result is out of your control.

YANBU.

So when does mil actually want the second day ?
is it the Tuesday when you’re off?
mid so she’s being a bit daft … this is precious time for you

Yeah she wants to have our daughter Monday and Tuesday knowing that Tuesday would be the day we both have off.

Absolutely not. That would mean that she had your daughter 2 days a week while you only had her for one day a week.

I’m a nursery teacher who has worked in several different private nurseries, and I want to reassure you that grandparents are (usually) far better people to provide childcare than any private nursery or child minder.

This is absolute bollocks. There is no world where aging grandparents could have looked after my daughter any better than the nursery she was at.

I'm 50 and could conceivably be a grandparent. I wouldn't be anywhere near as decent at providing regular childcare for a toddler as someone whose job it was to do so. I don't have the energy.

I see quite a few grandparents round my way looking after young children (we live across from a park) and neither they nor the children look happy about it.

I think you have quite an unrealistic idea of nurseries. The staff there don't do much running and talk to each other more than to the children. I have successfully used nurseries and there are advantages depending on the age but you could certainly do better than the staff of a nursery at least some of the time if you love the child and have an emotional connection.

@HexagonSun your reply is well explained and I do know where you're coming from. I take it you aren't a teacher? Sorry just a small gripe of mine when people call themselves a teacher when they aren't a qualified teacher and they mean 'nursery assistant' or 'nursery leader'

The shift patterns the OP and partner work don't really fit in that well with the hours of most childcare settings don't know if anyone has noticed that little problem.

YABU to pass your child around like a toy.

YANBU to tell your MIL 'no to Tuesdays' and 'your jealousy isn't my problem.'

Utterly disgraceful that you are exploiting your mother’s in this way! “Can’t afford” just means you’re not willing to compromise your lifestyle, or change your spending habits, so instead you expect others to take on your responsibilities. It’s jaw-dropping.

She’s now decided to inform us that she can no longer do Sundays as her partner wants the weekend to spend as a family. As you can imagine we've now had to ask my mum if she’d have our daughter Sunday, Wednesday to Friday

Had to? Not really though. Like everyone else, you have the option to use childcare.

You say grandparents 'offered' to have dd. However, it's not much of an open offer when you're being quite emphatic about being unable to afford to do otherwise.

How is it entitled?! Both grandparents have offered, if I'm reading correctly? Op WANTS to look after her own child when she's not working, it's the mil who somehow doesn't get that?!

@CJ98 you'll get trashed here because MN is all "well I didn't have ANY support so I'll shite on anyone who does, even if they're having some issues" 🙄

My suggestion would be you and your partner have one day off together then one day off separately so you have your daughter for a day and he does too. It will be easier in the long run to cover things this way. Then either split the other days with the grandparents in a way that works for your child (as long as the grandparents can physically/logistically cope) and/or nursery or childminder.

I'd also be a bit wary of relying so heavily on both grandparents tbh. They probably do genuinely want to do it but it is A Lot, especially the amount your mum would be doing. She may find it's too much. Also if your mil is being awkward now, I don't imagine it getting much better when you're at work...

I'd seriously think about doing a mix of you, grandparents and paid childcare tbh. Could either/both of you drop hours or save/cut back for nursery fees? Both working full time with a young child is very full on, I know people do it but it's very hard in many cases.

They both work different shift patterns and the worst combination is them both working 10-18, which shouldn't be that hard to find cover for, assuming they have a "normal" range of childcare options available to them and not excessive travel time. So, not really a problem. They might end up having to pay for more childcare than they need, and it might be more cost effective for them not to both work full time, but that's an issue most working parents face!

I guess it depends where you live in my area nurseries closed at 6pm.
Our nursery is 7.30am to 6pm. My DD found a childminder once who was available from 7am for a premium which is fine but it's pretty rare here in urban West Yorks. In fact childminders are pretty rare round here too.
Doubt she will get a nursery place by March now anyway.

You are not unreasonable at all. If your MIL now can't do Sunday , that's not on you that she now has one day in ths week. Why not share say a Wednesday and alternate it between MIL and your mum week 1 . I don't think MIL should be complaining and I'd stick to your guns that when you go back to work your child will be with you and dad Tuesday and Saturday and that's that , MIL can like it or lump it

Ok, so they’ve asked for childcare help, MIL agreed but then after discussion she realised that she was determining her own life with her DH.

She probably thought that she could just swap with the other GM a day, but she’s lost a day. It does seem like OP was a punishing her, the tone of “she announced” is rather telling. Offering CM as a GP is very kind and actually OP seems quite ungrateful.

I agree not Tuesday or Saturday, but maybe MIL could relieve the other GP of one of the days. Also, once this starts OP may find her own mother finds it too much and be grateful that MIL will do an extra day.

So no need to tell MIL “like it or lump it”, which may well back fire. That attitude to me would just leave me thinking “stuff you”.

OP I find your point that if you were to pay for childcare it would take up most of one wage a bit jarring as I have spent the past 4 years paying for my 2 daughters to go to nursery so I've effectively been working for £300 a month, as do a lot of other people - but then I wasn't offered help from grandparents and you have been.

I think the point people are trying to make is that although both grandmothers seem very keen to have your DD at the moment - this may change once they actually do it. Toddlers are a lot harder work than babies are so it will become harder as she gets older and they do and 2/3/4 days a week is a lot alongside working as well so you need to be prepared for them changing their minds or finding it too much which would mean having to scrabble around for childcare at a later date which is stressful. I guess just be forewarned that they may have overcommitted without meaning to.

I think the point people are trying to make is that although both grandmothers seem very keen to have your DD at the moment - this may change once they actually do it. Toddlers are a lot harder work than babies are so it will become harder as she gets older and they do and 2/3/4 days a week is a lot alongside working as well so you need to be prepared for them changing their minds or finding it too much which would mean having to scrabble around for childcare at a later date which is stressful.

Yes, I agree. Expecting an arrangement where an older person is still doing their job and providing free childcare for 3/4 days a week on top of that to last and not impact on the health of the person doing it is perhaps shortsighted. Far better for the arrangement to be realistic and manageable for them.