Jealous MIL

[CJ98]

I am due to go back to work in March once my maternity leave ends, the issue I’m having is my MIL is never happy with the days we’ve arranged with her.
Both myself and my partner are going back to work full time & will be having the same two days off work to spend it as a family - these being Tuesday & Saturday.
My MIL said she could have our daughter Sunday to Tuesday & my mum would have her Wednesday to Friday, we agreed with her that Tuesdays wouldn’t be ideal as we want to use that day to spend time as a family. She agreed with Sunday & Monday. She’s now decided to inform us that she can no longer do Sundays as her partner wants the weekend to spend as a family. As you can imagine we've now had to ask my mum if she’d have our daughter Sunday, Wednesday to Friday. Neither of them will be having our daughter over night, and it’s simply because me and my partners shifts overlap. I’ll be working 7-16 or 10-18 he will be working 10-18 or 14-22 and so we need someone to basically have our child in between.
My MIL has now said she’s really upset that she’s only getting one day a week with our daughter and she doesn’t think it’s fair that my mum will be spending more time with her.
At the moment my mum doesn’t have our daughter on her own (I go to my mums once a week and this is the only time my mum sees our daughter) whereas my MIL has her once a week on her own & has her for the full day. Shes never been happy with the one day a week system we having going on, she currently has our daughter on a Tuesday but because she works Wednesday to Saturday she basically wants our daughter those three days. At the moment her having her on a Tuesday works as I’m still on maternity leave so that one day a week is giving me a break but I’m worried that if she continues having our daughter on a Tuesday both me and my partner are going to feel like we are only having her once a week which is something we want to avoid.
we both are well aware that we are going to miss out on some time with our daughter as going back to full time isn’t going to be easy but we want to try and make time for us as a family hence us having the same days off.
I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of everything & I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do to make everyone happy.
Am I being unreasonable or selfish for telling her no to having our daughter on a Tuesday ?
Am I being unreasonable for asking my mum to have our daughter more than my MIL because it’s simply easier & my mum is extremely happy to do this.
am I just being unreasonable full stop. 😣

Wow I must admit I’m very jealous at your childcare offers, your mum offering to look after your daughter virtually 50% of the time is incredible. You’re very, very lucky.

As for MIL I think others have given some good advice- definitely the sort of free childcare that comes at a cost and she sounds very problematic and dramatic.

When they beg to help out you mean, and try to guilt trip their daughter in law to miss out on one of her only two days with her own child? Your friend might be tired but that seems irrelevant to this thread.

but I am genuinely confused by the amount of people commenting that childcare is better or the solution to OPs problem

Paying for a nursery does usually mean that you get the days you want without guilt tripping, them cancelling or being unavailable due to illness/tiredness/car breaking down etc etc though. I know lots of people have found it reliable and far easier than depending on flaky (though in paper 'free') relatives.

Certainly not irrelevant when the OP's mum is exhausted after 4 days of free childcare if she does Sundays on top of Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays At the moment the spends one day a week with the baby. It's going to be s culture shock to her as well. It sounds like a nice idea, but the reality of the commitment is very different.

This whole thing sounds unsustainable

If you understood the post op isn't complaining about her mil not being able to accommodate her work pattern. It's the mil getting upset because ops mum will have the child more. you'd love to have what op has as you said yourself, so don't be hating on those that have help. For some reason on a platform called mumsnet ppl take issue with others getting free child care from family. Ppl need to work. Ppl can't always afford nursery. If free help is available, op should absolutely ask and take it.

I think a key part of your plan people are missing is that long opening hours in retail mean you're not actually looking for full days of childcare: "I’ll be working 7-16 or 10-18 he will be working 10-18 or 14-22 and so we need someone to basically have our child in between." Not sure what your travel times are like, but on a day A (7am-4pm / 10am-6pm) you'll need childcare from 10am-4pm, and on a day B (10am-6pm / 2pm-10pm) you'll need childcare from 2pm-6pm

I think a lot of grandparents underestimate how much hard work it is, plus there definitely is an expectation from some folk.

Half a day of childcare is still a commitment though, it kind of stops you doing some other stuff too. E.g. I went on a sneaky break away for a few days last weekend - if there had been even a few hours of other commitments in the middle of it I wouldn't have been able to do it so easily. Grandparents have 'parented' already.

This is a really good point. And actually another good reason why it might be better if the parents have one day as family day and then have different days off on the other.
Though if they work different shifts maybe it would be less of an issue (I am thinking if they both start work at 8 and leave at 7, would granny have the baby over night? Then what happens if the next shift is the same hours the next day? Does baby just stay with granny, and parents visit at granny's house when they finish work at 4 but put baby to bed there?). I think the shift rota is definitely something to consider in terms of how that will work if there are late nights/early starts.

It is a better option because it's a business arrangement, as opposed to a family one.

Easy answer is now that your days have changed, start again with the rota.
This includes your days and DM’s days too.

Your DM may also be happy to have less childcare responsibility and grateful for a change.

You will also have more flexibility around sick days, given your DM is regularly doing less and you have both maintained your days.

And when they are both working 10am-6pm they will need childcare from 10am-6pm plus travel times. Which is a full day.

The travel makes a huge difference here as well - where is their house relative to OP's mum's house and OP's MIL's house and their places of work?

'I think it's quite sad and almost weird that your own child will spend more time with their grandparents than you!"

So, like other posters, you'd have the child spend more time with strangers twice a week, instead? Madness. There was a lot of bias in most research regarding GP childcare and a lot of the research was paid to be done by childcare providers.

I'm my DD's childcare. The youngest is seven. I'm packing in as much as I can this year because I'm actually going to miss softplay and the craft activities, they won't entertain next year. I'm hoping that my DD's best friend is successful in ttc, because I will be available, as I've been for her other friends. Some of us enjoy children. I was brought up in an extended family and close neighbours, including going on holiday. Thankfully bounce places, crazy golf, zoos etc aren't grown out of. In the pub you can see the difference in those of us who are very involved with younger family members. We haven't gone down the 'snowflake/woke/boat people' etc hyperbole. It's also keeping us active.
OP, stick with your plan. It doesn't have to be forever, you can rethink your shifts as the school nursery years approach. On a Tuesday, there's less people about, it's a good day to have off together. Santa's grottos etc have more availability. There might be the odd time you and your DH wouldn't mind your MIL having your DC, even half the day. Children do best in loving, involved, extended families.

@HexagonSun because they literally don't know and realise.

It's become something that you just do now, it's what everyone does so it's not given that extra investigation. It's why it's so important to be aware of reality to then work around that and do spot checks on the child. Turn up unannounced.

Tell your MIL no, it’s her problem not yours. I had a similar situation when I went back to work. On maternity leave MIL said she would have my son 2 days a week, my mum offered to have him the other day and changed her hours at work to ensure she always had that day off. Then well after I had arranged my working days with my company, and confirming multiple times with her before signing my contract, MIL turned round and said she could no longer have him on those days and needed to swap. I wasn’t able to because I ended up in a job share so had to stick to the days originally said. As a result we ended up having to put my son into nursery for 1 1/2 days a week as that was the minimum they would take him for, my MIL ended up with him for the afternoon of the half day in the end. She still goes on about it now, but it’s from her own doing. I wasn’t prepared to lose a day a week with my son when I wasn’t able to earn any income.

You are so lucky to have this help OP. Your DM and MIL are doing you a massive favour providing any childcare at all so of course it should be on their terms. Very few people would want to give up every Sunday for childcare.

Why not let them sort it out between them? They might come up with an arrangement that gives everybody what they want.

I never said I earn £260 a week. When you add up the cost of childcare for the month it’s basically a months wage for one of us. I’m not taking advantage of our parents as they have offered to help rather than seeing us pay for childcare they’ve happily said they’d look after our daughter

Due to the fact my MIL works Wednesday to Saturday she can only do Sunday to Tuesday. Hence why we said she could do Sunday & Monday but now her partner has said he wants to keep the weekends free as he works Monday to Friday.

Have you actually looked at childcare?

I think it's great both grandparents have offered but reading more into it and that they both still have other jobs, I think they are going to regret offering to help on their days off. You are effectively taking up their free time with looking after your child, when are they going to do household jobs - housework, shopping etc. routine appointments like dentist. Wanting to get a haircut.
I would definitely have a back up plan.
I would also have a trial run before you need to - your mum currently only does one day and not alone, how will she cope with the massive increase in time and doing it alone? MIL already wants to keep time free for family (and rightly so) so may realise she has taken on more than she can realistically do.
I think you are expecting a lot from grandparents who are still working and who are currently used to having days off.

I will also add, despite only having my son for 1/2 days a week, MIL has cancelled on us more times than I care to count when something better comes up (often at short notice) and just presumes like we can not go into work that day which is really stressful. You need to consider if this is a possibility for you before accepting anything.

I agree with some of the other posters and would consider you and your partner swapping working days, so you have 3 days with your child (1 day off together as a family and 2 days where you each have your child alone). As someone who works 3 days a weeks, I really treasure those 2 days alone with my son, my husband often says he wishes we could afford for him to go down to 4 days so he could also have a day.

So I was right and her partner said something about it. It's not unfair. Of course he wants relaxed time with his partner. It's very reasonable. Sunday is the only day they get together with work schedules. They definitely need to protect that one day.

My parents never even babysat for me, let alone did childcare (unless it was a dire emergency). They both worked. It wasn't a big deal as I didn't need childcare from anyone, but I do understand that when grandparents work, their availability is limited.

Your DH needs to speak to her and be the one to point out that if she has your daughter on a Tuesday then she would have more time with her than you, her parents. You don't require childcare on your day off. She might play the card of having less time than your mum but the only reason that is the case is because she gave up the Sunday- that's not your problem! I would look in to paid childcare though as I had a similar situation with my parents when I went back to work after my first DD and my MIL started becoming unreliable and ringing me the night before she was due to have my DD saying she couldn't have her as she'd made other plans... my mum worked part time so couldn't have her either and it really dropped us in the shit a few times before we got her into a nursery. She was very put out but it was the best thing we did.
When I had DD2 she went straight to nursery at 9 months old when I went back to work as I couldn't take the stress!

Due to the fact my MIL works Wednesday to Saturday she can only do Sunday to Tuesday. Hence why we said she could do Sunday & Monday but now her partner has said he wants to keep the weekends free as he works Monday to Friday.

Blimey, I don't blame him! Some of the childcare expectation on still working grandparents are unreal!

Nobody has placed any expectation on the mil here. The mil has begged for the childcare and is currently guilt tripping the op because the op won’t give up one of their two days a week with their own child so the mil can have them. This whole thread is about the op asking is it ok for me to deny some of mils demands so that I can spend some time with my own child. Hth. Not sure what you were hallucinating it’s about.

So you could just shift the dates I said.

You have Friday and Saturday off, he has Sat and Sunday off and then one grandparent could do Mon Tues and the other two other days eg Wed Thurs and you two do Fri Sat Sun between you - a day each and a day together.