Being locked in?

[DazedandConfusedbyPolitics]

New house to us, so please bear with me. DH nipping out the back door and conservatory so he can smoke a Marlboro in the back garden. He locks both doors behind him because he doesn't want dogs to follow. Fair enough, garden is not completely secure yet. He leaves keys in doors so I'm locked in with dogs and I feel trapped. I can't get out unless he turns or removes keys. AIBU to ask him to remove the keys so I can leave when I want?

So if there is a fire towards back you cannot leave the front exit ?

Well if you’re married. You own half of it. Change the locks. Don’t be a doormat.

Get the keys off the previous owner for the front door or get them to paid for the locks to be changed. In your shoes l would speak to the solicitor who handled the sale

The husband might think the house is his but he married you so it's not that clear cut in most places...

Your survival instincts should kick in!
I was 17 years old and after a huge violent argument the boy locked me alone in the house because I wouldn’t shag him. I was stuck with a known to be aggressive German shepherd.
All doors locked. I distracted the dog with a packet of ham out of the fridge and I got out through the kitchen window.

But after reading more of the thread I can see it’s not actually really about being trapped with the dogs is it. Your husband is a controlling dick, a bit like the boy I refused to shag.
I walked away and never saw him again, life’s much better now.

This is one of those threads where the OP posts something seemingly harmless and then does a little drip feed to make it a bit more serious and then has pages and pages of people worrying about them but offers no further updates. And there's been a few of these lately.

Maybe it is genuine, maybe not but there's just been so many recently they're getting harder to believe.

The fact that you've bought a house and can't get out of the front door?

Get on to your Solicitor and tell them the vendors didn't leave a key for the front door. If there isn't one they'll need to pay for a locksmith to change it for you.

What the hell would you do if there was a fire and you couldn't get out? Or the Amazon man wants to deliver a parcel? Or you're decorating round the back and don't want to get covered in paint so need another exit? Houses come with 2 doors for a reason!!

I'm really not sure if your husband is being a controlling arse on purpose and you're so squashed down, belittled and eroded you don't know how to fend for yourself but these are issues you should be able to take a stand in sorting out.

If you are in an abusive controlling relationship then THAT'S what you need help and advice on - the fact you are being locked in a house with no way of getting out yourself. If this isn't the case then you need to just have some common sense.

Then you should RTFFT!

YANBU. Especially if you feel depressed, oppressed, unhappy and dejected.

Locking people in a home is a (not uncommon) form of abuse. It obviously controls people, as it stops them from leaving. It’s also potentially dangerous if the windows are also locked or don’t open very far, e.g. fire escape.

You say it’s your husband’s house. If you’re married, is there a reason the house isn’t also in your name? You may be entitled to half the assets in any case. Again, this is potentially controlling.

You say you have no right to change the locks. Has your DH said that to you? Please know you do have rights. You have a right to not be subjected to abuse, including coercive control. It’s unlawful. You have a right to divorce your husband and be granted a share of marital assets. You have a right to earn your own money, pay for your own home and live your own life. You have a right to do anything you please, as long as it’s lawful.

If you feel oppressed, please take the step of contacting a domestic abuse organisation. Women’s Aid if in UK. They will believe you. You’ve made a great first step posting here. You don’t have to leave your husband but at least get some advice to get perspective and understand your rights and options.

In the meantime, be very clear you don’t want to be locked in, so the front door lock must be urgently changed so it can be opened from inside without a key. The previous owners shouldn’t go off with the front door key. Very odd. It means they can get back in. Ask the estate agent or solicitor for them to return it, then change the barrel.

Indeed. When you pay thousands for a house, the obvious thing you expect in return is a key to the front door.

Agree.

The most common, Eurocylinder locks cost about £10 to £12 to replace, and it takes about 90 seconds.
But - you need to be able to open the door to do it yourself. A locksmith can come and replace the cylinder and give you a new set of keys. It's a fire and theft risk to not have keys for your own front door, so just get it done without asking him if it's OK first. Just say it was worrying you.

What, three replies that don't really say much?

Read the thread, it’s fairly obvious there’s more to it

I have. The thread is other people who aren't the OP saying there is more to it.

I don't own the house, DH does, therefore I have no right to change locks.Yes I am depressed, oppressed, unhappy and dejected.

Not think this is where people are getting the idea there is more to it? It's odd that she claims she has no right to change the locks in a house that is, by rights, half hers.

Ok, and is there any harm in offering empathy and support, because it sounds like there’s more to it, and the op might be reading it? What is a better option?

I agree, but she's never come back has she? But apparently it's clear to everyone that he is lying about not having a key and is keeping her locked inside the house (while he nips out for a fag...) and that he is abusive and terrifying.

True. Some folk do love the dramatics. It's sadly though likely to be a result of the fact that this the reality for many.

She’s feeling trapped in her own home if he goes out for a cigarette.

She describes herself as being oppressed.

She’s utterly convinced that she has no rights in her own home because it belongs to her husband.

Here’s where critical thinking skills come in handy. Do any of those three things indicate a healthy and happy marriage to you? Does a man who lets his wife believe that she has no rights sound like a good husband to you? Does it sound normal that she’s feeling trapped after five minutes, even though there’s a perfectly rational explanation for why he locks the door when he smokes outside?

If he’s your husband it’s half your house - doesn’t matter who pays the mortgage or name on deed

The real question her is why isn't she having this discussion with her husband. Only without the unreasonable framing.

There's times I'm very glad to be single.

If there's no access out the front door then yes you have a right to be upset. Your DH needs to realise if there was a fire while he was out there you would be able to get out. As for the front from what you say he should be replacing that lock again if there's a fire it limits both your escape routes and the dogs. It sounds more alike he's preventing you leaving which may be a sign of cohesive control rather than just to keep the dogs in.

Fook that. Get locks sorted. When you need to get out you'll wish you had.

The fire brigade would probably expect you to be able to open all your doors.

So when someone comes to the front door, do you tell them to go round the back? (Bought a house where front door was locked from inside and key lost.. we could get in but not out. Then one day I tried a random key I found in a drawer and voilà, it worked! I wonder how long the previous owner didn't use that door for. She'd had a doorbell put in the back door because of it!)

Assuming you are married calling him DH tou absolutely do have ownership of the house so don't let him tell you otherwise. I'd suggest you look into registering a beneficiary interest in the property with the land registry.

And yes if you cannot get out of the house it is a problem. But he knows this and is being deliberately awkward.