Hi all, sorry for a long one a lot of context and would love a sanity check on this.
Increasingly noticing that my in laws are very keen (as in mentioning it quite a few times) for 1:1 time with my toddler who is 3, without us parents there, including a sleepover at their house. This is never said directly to us the parents, e.g “we would love to take your child for a sleepover at ours would that be ok?” Instead there is often this thing of saying it to the child “would you like to come to Nannie’s house for a sleepover wouldn’t that be lovely”. Or the most it has been said to us directly is “I could drive and meet you half way if the journey is too much”. Recently it was, “Nannie and Granddad could take him to X place soon for the day wouldn’t that be nice” (this place is a 5 hour drive from our house, but only 1 hour drive from their house, so the only way it would work as a day trip was if child
had slept over at their house).
My child is 3 (just turned 3) and they live 130 miles away so it’s a 3 hour motorway drive. If we are visiting them we would always have to stop for wees etc to get there, so it’s a long old journey especially if there is traffic and generally we have started to ask them to come here instead - it saves the car journey where child gets a bit sicky / restless, but also saves us packing for an overnight trip with all the mountains of stuff kids need. We also have a baby now so even less keen on having to pack up the car for two. Having said that, we still do make a lot of effort to go and stay - when my baby was 6 weeks old we went to stay with toddler so that the wider family could meet the baby.
We get on with them but aren’t as close as we are to my family, who live nearer. But we do go see them fairly regularly. My husband has never been crazily close to them or his sibling, and since we have been together 20 years this has always been the way - seeing them every couple of months or so, no pressure. This has changed though since we had kids as naturally they want time with their grandchild / now grandchildren, which I do get.
Out of respect for this we asked if they would like to do one day a month childcare for us, so they come up for the day whilst my child is not in nursery (he does 4 days a week) so they do get this 1:1 time with them one day a month. I felt uncomfortable asking for them to do more as they are so far away, so my parents who are much closer do the other days. On this day when child is not in nursery we tend to work from home so we are sometimes in the house too, though not always. Sometimes they take him out on their own to the park / zoo / lunch etc. Alongside that day a month, we also see them I would say for weekend visits maybe every 2 months. This feels more than enough for me, and reflects the dynamic of the relationship over the past two decades.
There have been other comments recently around school half terms / school holidays when my child starts, like “when it’s the holidays you can come on holiday to Nannie’s house for the week”.
I am finding my reaction to these comments about sleepovers / time with him quite hard. I don’t know if it’s hormones / some kind of caveman protective thing? I don’t want to be shutting them out, they are really nice people, but I’m finding it really frustrating for a number of reasons.
One is that if they genuinely wanted 1:1 time with him, I don’t know why that needs to be at their house without me and my husband there. We both work full time, child is in nursery in the week so the weekends are so so precious to us - I don’t want to ship him off on the only two days we get with him. I can’t see this changing massively in the summer holidays, I have really good annual leave with work and I would really value that time with my kids, I just can’t see me wanting him away from us for a whole week?
Two, the motorway journey is such a factor here. Train is not an option as the routes don’t connect. Both my inlaws are good drivers but they’re late 60s and it’s a 6 hour round trip, it’s such a long journey for a little one to be in the car and god forbid anything would happen. I wouldn’t be comfortable with many people driving my toddler on the motorway apart from my husband and I, so this nervousness around the drive isn’t just reserved for them. Child also gets a bit sicky on car rides. My husband’s mum once suggested a half way drive and we meet halfway to swap the child over at a petrol station / services and she take him down to theirs, so that we’re not having to go the whole way / they’re not having to go the whole way. My husband pointed out - “but mum, child would still be doing the whole journey” His mum was like “ah right yes ok”, clearly disappointed.
Three, Child has only just turned 3, so the bulk of these comments have been happening since he was 18 months +. I don’t want to deprive them of something they clearly really want (to have their only grandchild at their home on their own, and for a sleepover) but I don’t know if I’m being irrationally annoyed about it. He is still really little. He often gets nightmares in the night and calls out for us and you know what toddlers are like - temperatures, scuffed knees, sickness bugs. He is still in nappies at night. He just seems too little for me to want him to be that far away, if anything happened and we were 3 hours drive away I just feel like that’s a bit far? He is also a really emotional little kid, so I just know how it could go if something upset him.
I am finding myself getting closer to sitting his parents down and saying all of the above, and reiterating that I do want them to have quality time with him but that above what they already get with him I don’t see why these sleepovers needs to be without his parents there too - why can’t it be family time with us all together, especially when he is so young. And especially as me and my husband have full time jobs so really value the precious time we get with him. Maybe when he is older, then we could discuss it again, but for now since he is only just 3 he feels too little to me.
I genuinely can’t tell if I’m being overly cautious / negative about this. I don’t want to be labelled crazy possessive daughter in law, would love a reality check if that’s how it is coming across.
Worth mentioning that my husband remembers having sleepovers at his grandparents house, but the difference was both lived 2 minutes away - so maybe his parents are feeling nostalgic about that and wanting the same, but it’s just not comparable when we live much further. Also his mum was a SAHM, so probably by the weekend she really did want a break understandably. It’s not the same for me.
My husband is totally aligned with me, but I feel like it is probably me who is going to end up having to say this (very conflict avoidant family). How do I politely and clearly put across my point of view?
if you think I just need to suck it up and let them have this sleepover weekend please do say! Genuinely am intrigued to know if I’m overthinking it