Grandparents wanting sleepover 1:1

[Help3214]

Hi all, sorry for a long one a lot of context and would love a sanity check on this.

Increasingly noticing that my in laws are very keen (as in mentioning it quite a few times) for 1:1 time with my toddler who is 3, without us parents there, including a sleepover at their house. This is never said directly to us the parents, e.g “we would love to take your child for a sleepover at ours would that be ok?” Instead there is often this thing of saying it to the child “would you like to come to Nannie’s house for a sleepover wouldn’t that be lovely”. Or the most it has been said to us directly is “I could drive and meet you half way if the journey is too much”. Recently it was, “Nannie and Granddad could take him to X place soon for the day wouldn’t that be nice” (this place is a 5 hour drive from our house, but only 1 hour drive from their house, so the only way it would work as a day trip was if child
had slept over at their house).

My child is 3 (just turned 3) and they live 130 miles away so it’s a 3 hour motorway drive. If we are visiting them we would always have to stop for wees etc to get there, so it’s a long old journey especially if there is traffic and generally we have started to ask them to come here instead - it saves the car journey where child gets a bit sicky / restless, but also saves us packing for an overnight trip with all the mountains of stuff kids need. We also have a baby now so even less keen on having to pack up the car for two. Having said that, we still do make a lot of effort to go and stay - when my baby was 6 weeks old we went to stay with toddler so that the wider family could meet the baby.

We get on with them but aren’t as close as we are to my family, who live nearer. But we do go see them fairly regularly. My husband has never been crazily close to them or his sibling, and since we have been together 20 years this has always been the way - seeing them every couple of months or so, no pressure. This has changed though since we had kids as naturally they want time with their grandchild / now grandchildren, which I do get.

Out of respect for this we asked if they would like to do one day a month childcare for us, so they come up for the day whilst my child is not in nursery (he does 4 days a week) so they do get this 1:1 time with them one day a month. I felt uncomfortable asking for them to do more as they are so far away, so my parents who are much closer do the other days. On this day when child is not in nursery we tend to work from home so we are sometimes in the house too, though not always. Sometimes they take him out on their own to the park / zoo / lunch etc. Alongside that day a month, we also see them I would say for weekend visits maybe every 2 months. This feels more than enough for me, and reflects the dynamic of the relationship over the past two decades.

There have been other comments recently around school half terms / school holidays when my child starts, like “when it’s the holidays you can come on holiday to Nannie’s house for the week”.

I am finding my reaction to these comments about sleepovers / time with him quite hard. I don’t know if it’s hormones / some kind of caveman protective thing? I don’t want to be shutting them out, they are really nice people, but I’m finding it really frustrating for a number of reasons.

One is that if they genuinely wanted 1:1 time with him, I don’t know why that needs to be at their house without me and my husband there. We both work full time, child is in nursery in the week so the weekends are so so precious to us - I don’t want to ship him off on the only two days we get with him. I can’t see this changing massively in the summer holidays, I have really good annual leave with work and I would really value that time with my kids, I just can’t see me wanting him away from us for a whole week?

Two, the motorway journey is such a factor here. Train is not an option as the routes don’t connect. Both my inlaws are good drivers but they’re late 60s and it’s a 6 hour round trip, it’s such a long journey for a little one to be in the car and god forbid anything would happen. I wouldn’t be comfortable with many people driving my toddler on the motorway apart from my husband and I, so this nervousness around the drive isn’t just reserved for them. Child also gets a bit sicky on car rides. My husband’s mum once suggested a half way drive and we meet halfway to swap the child over at a petrol station / services and she take him down to theirs, so that we’re not having to go the whole way / they’re not having to go the whole way. My husband pointed out - “but mum, child would still be doing the whole journey” His mum was like “ah right yes ok”, clearly disappointed.

Three, Child has only just turned 3, so the bulk of these comments have been happening since he was 18 months +. I don’t want to deprive them of something they clearly really want (to have their only grandchild at their home on their own, and for a sleepover) but I don’t know if I’m being irrationally annoyed about it. He is still really little. He often gets nightmares in the night and calls out for us and you know what toddlers are like - temperatures, scuffed knees, sickness bugs. He is still in nappies at night. He just seems too little for me to want him to be that far away, if anything happened and we were 3 hours drive away I just feel like that’s a bit far? He is also a really emotional little kid, so I just know how it could go if something upset him.

I am finding myself getting closer to sitting his parents down and saying all of the above, and reiterating that I do want them to have quality time with him but that above what they already get with him I don’t see why these sleepovers needs to be without his parents there too - why can’t it be family time with us all together, especially when he is so young. And especially as me and my husband have full time jobs so really value the precious time we get with him. Maybe when he is older, then we could discuss it again, but for now since he is only just 3 he feels too little to me.

I genuinely can’t tell if I’m being overly cautious / negative about this. I don’t want to be labelled crazy possessive daughter in law, would love a reality check if that’s how it is coming across.

Worth mentioning that my husband remembers having sleepovers at his grandparents house, but the difference was both lived 2 minutes away - so maybe his parents are feeling nostalgic about that and wanting the same, but it’s just not comparable when we live much further. Also his mum was a SAHM, so probably by the weekend she really did want a break understandably. It’s not the same for me.

My husband is totally aligned with me, but I feel like it is probably me who is going to end up having to say this (very conflict avoidant family). How do I politely and clearly put across my point of view?

if you think I just need to suck it up and let them have this sleepover weekend please do say! Genuinely am intrigued to know if I’m overthinking it

Are you not on Mat leave with the younger one? Just wondering because of your point about weekends being precious. I wonder if the grandparents think you might particularly value some rest away from the toddler with you being pregnant/having a young baby.

I totally understand this . I don't think you are unreasonable , or being hormonal or a crazy DIL. If they sat you down and said , we'd like to have a sleep over how do you feel.. then you took it from there. Their constant saying it through your child but not asking you sounds bloody ridiculous and annoying. If you are not happy for your 3 year old to be away travelling 130 miles or away for over night stays that far away then you are not happy. You need to say , that sounds lovely but not right now . You do things when you and your child feel comfortable.

My eldest had his first sleep over at around 18 months to his Aunties house about a 10 min drive away and used to stay over quite often especially when his younger brother arrived (small gap) so that he could get some 1:1 time, but that was the only place he stayed at that age. Grandparents houses were from age 4-5 ish again fairly close by 30 minutes drive usually both of the oldest ones together.
Our youngest has never had a night away without one of us, he is 5 and a completely different kettle of fish to his brothers. He still co sleeps with one of us and would hate to stay away without either of his parents. We’ve had plenty of offers directly to us (as it should be) from our family offering for him to stay either singularly or with his brothers who happily stay with family but we’ve always declined after asking him if he would like to go. Sometimes he goes for the day and comes home for bedtime, it’s a little frustrating because it means we can’t go away just as a couple but in a blink of an eye he’ll be telling us he doesn’t need us and how ‘cringe’ we are like his big brothers so I’m also enjoying it whilst it lasts!
I understand why the want to look after your little one in their home, my only suggestion would be that to book into an air b&b closer to them for a mini break and then your oldest can spend lots of time with them and you know you are close by.
Depending on where they are in the country they may live somewhere near you’d like to visit?

I agree with you, I don’t understand why there’s always such a push from some people to ship your child off to grandparents. I work in the week, the weekend is my time with my children. Im more than happy for grandparents to come out with us, they help us with childcare one afternoon a week and the odd time on the weekend but no I wouldn’t be sending them for sleepovers hours away.
This is coming from someone who has lovely memories of sleepovers at one of my grandmas but I also grew up feeling like I hardly saw my parents as they worked a lot etc, I want to be the one making lovely memories with my children.

I think in your position I'd say "that's a lovely idea from when he's a bit older". Because one day it will be.

Next time you go there let them babysit and you two go out.
Then book a hotel the next time and don't stay there. Added expenses but the being nearby would take the stress away for you perhaps.

HRTWT but have read op's

What jumps out to me from your first post is that they've asked for 1:1 time and your answer was to ask them to do a day's childcare at your house with you around (perhaps I misunderstood that last bit)? As a granny, I'd have been extremely miffed to have been invited 'to do childcare' as though I was a stand-in for nursery! I'd have loved to have been invited 'to spend the day with him' - there is a huge difference. Also, you and DP are closer to your family and I would be hurt to be excluded as the other grandparent.

So many threads on here moan about GPs not bring interested and yet, here you are, knocking them back. I don't know what solution would please you all, but my advice would be that one day they'll stop asking and he'll lose a valuable set of GPs so perhaps come up with a plan for the future?

I'd do what's in the best interests of your child and what you're comfortable with, therefore it would be a no if it were me.

just say no not yet, maybe when Ds is older, then leave it there. Your child is way too young to stay at a strange house away from
you over night - they would be traumatised!! And it would take you three/four hours to get to him when grandparents cannot cope. The dream they have is not reality, just shut this down.

Now I’ve been in both situations you’re describing, or similar, as the parent and now as a grandparent. My ex-partner and I split, but it wouldn’t have been any different. His parents lived almost four hour drive away. We visited often when we were together. We split when the kids were young and he continued to visit often. The regularly had the kids alone, took them on holidays etc from a very young age. It was perfectly fine, your child can live without h you when they get a sniffle or scuffed knee. As a result my eldest two were very independent, it enriched their lives considerably. Unless you have a reason to think it would be detrimental to, i don’t see the issue. My youngest who didn’t have the same, albeit spent shorter periods with my mum closer by, is nowhere near as independent and struggles with anxiety a lot more. I get that may be personality though.

As a grandparent of a now 6 month old, I have found the restrictions imposed very hurtful. It was made clear I wouldn’t be able to meet him until an unknown time had elapsed. I think it ended up being two weeks! I am and was always going to be part of the childcare arrangements, only one day a week, or perhaps fortnight. I am unable to drive him in my car, that’s not needed (according to them), but clearly when I start regular childcare it will be. I’m told for now I have him (I have already condensed my hours so he can get to know me properly before childcare starts in around another six months) at their house, and I can walk or catch the bus, or my daughter can drop us somewhere if I want to take him anywhere. I find all of this incredibly restrictive and hurtful to not be trusted, but, I can’t make a fuss because I could risk the little I have.

I had visions of a relationship similar that I afforded my daughter (whose child it is) with her grandparents. She benefitted greatly from that, they took her to Jersey regularly, even went to New York. My mum also took her on holiday with her brother. It doesn’t yet look like I have anywhere near this opportunity as a grandparent, and I find it sad and hurtful.

So, that is my experience. Unless there is any real reason why you think your children’s lives won’t be enriched from spending more quality time, under a different roof with different parenting styles and enjoying their grandparents love and time, I’d see it as an opportunity for them instead of something harmful. Of course they would miss you a little and may even cry, but grandparents can comfort and tears soon dry up, Think about all of the positives. I feel like I am trapped in my daughter’s house currently if I want any quality time with my grandson and so I can imagine why they want that alone time, so relationships can build. Albeit, things are changing a little for me as he gets older, I find it hurtful and restrictive still and feel like I won’t have half the freedoms with my grandchildren that my daughter had with hers.

Everyone is different about having their children stay elsewhere, so not a case of you being unreasonable - its clear you just dont like this right now, so just say that. My parents lived 3 hrs away and came to us, then they got a sleepover and we would grab a night at a hotel and have a mini break. I do think you should tread lightly though, it's takes a village and all that, you're lucky to have in laws who care and want to be there (mine don't) and my mum now has arthritis so now our children are school age we are stuck for practical support. I know you say you've good annual leave but school holidays are 13 weeks a year ish - I doubt you get all of that off, and if you split it with hubbie you never get family time together away. Plus when you've two running around, arguing, fighting, jumping on your furniture the idea of sending them for a few days to GPS might seem an absolute blessing! Personally I felt it was good for emergencies too, to know they'd cope away for the night (my youngest chopped her finger off and my son stayed 2 nights at my mums when he was 4 so we could both be with my daughter in hospital), so it might be worth a trial just to know he's happy there. You're the parent though, do what makes you comfortable and don't feel ashamed or cajoled into anything else.

I regularly have my DGD and DGS stay over but it's at the request of their parents, not me pushing for it. I spent most of my childhood weekends and school holidays at my Grandma's but I wanted to and my Mum was close by if I needed her.
Because of distance my Mum would travel to me to have a sleep over with my kids which they all enjoyed and which gave me a welcome break from single parenting.
I'd suggest them staying at your home a few times with you and your husband staying close by in case needed and once you know your DS will be ok then let him to go their house. I bet he'll love it. FFS don't let him know how anxious you are.
Soon enough he'll be wanting sleep over with friends so it's something you will need to adjust to.

It's great that they want to be involved so don't ruin this with your anxiety

BTW - sometimes it feels as if us grandparents on Mumsnet can't win
slated for not being involved and slated for wanting to be involved

My two stayed at my parent’s house when they were around that age for a couple of nights as we had been invited to a 40th in a nearby city. My parents live around 4 hours away from us and were desperate to have them stay over without us there! You do get much more quality time with grandchildren without their parents there (I have now experienced this with my grandchildren - not that I dropped hints to have them stay!!!). You will understand this one day, but I also understand your reticence. A huge part of parenting is learning to slowly let them have independence from you - it is so important, even at 3.

If he’s your only child (sorry if I’ve missed a bit!) another option is drive to the in laws, drop him off and have a mini break just the two of you. Do they live near anywhere scenic ?

My MiL was obsessed with the idea of a sleepover - I was happy to acquiesce. Sadly not much sleep was had and the idea was never mentioned again

It's good for children to sometimes be away from the parents for a while it builds their confidence and helps them to learn to build relationships with the wider family whilst still being safe protected and loved.
Far too many parents smother their kids and don't let them spread their wings and wonder why when they get older they're full of anxiety about the world because they've never been able to explore things without mummy hovering over them

OP you don't have to justify anything you aren't comfortable with. It is your child and your decision. Don't be emotionally blackmailed into anything. Just be blunt. 'I am sorry but this is not something we are comfortable with at the moment. Please stop asking - I will let you know if things change'.

My MiL lived half an hour away when DS was small. First sleepover was at ours when he was just turned 1, mainly so I could see how MiL would cope. Next sleepover was at hers 2 months later, everything fine. She’s since moved closer to us, mainly because of her excellent relationship with DS. Although I also had misgivings at the beginning, I‘m now really pleased we started so early. They have their own special relationship and we have never had issues with either sleeping away from home or him being looked after by a babysitter, such as a trusted childhood friend when we were back in my home country. What we hadn’t realised was that friend had never changed a nappy. DS, who was only wearing nappies at night at 3, told her how to do it.

Why don’t one of you go up with her first time? Maybe DH would like to stay with a mate so he‘s nearby but the grandparents get 1:1?

Car journey: Again, we did 600 mile trips from 6 weeks to see my parents, so DS has never had an issue with car journeys. He doesn’t know any different. The earlier you start, the easier the child accepts it. Some people prefer to travel at night while child is asleep. We use a lot of audio books during the journey. Others use films on a tablet. You can get draw, play, talk during the journey. We tied DS‘s cuddly toy to his car seat so comfort was never far away if he needed it.

Everyone I know in this situation moved closer to be able to see their grandkids more. I would just hint that this is an option (knowing they'll never do it) and leave everything else with, "what a nice idea for when he's older and finds the long journey easier."

Well as someone who has pretty much zero help from grandparents on either side this would be my dream, if any one of thrm offered to take them for a week it would be amazing.
But appreciate your concerns, however, they will soon be 4 then 5 then school holidays to deal with etc. I think startinf them off for a night here and there is a good build up to a close enough relationship to stay for a week in tbe future and you will be glad when those 6 werk summer holidays start rolling round every year. I would take them up on the offer.

I honestly don’t think a3 year old is mature enough to be that far away from their parents at that age. Mine are 4 and 2 and they would want their parents at night. I wouldn’t even take a chance.

We've had each of our DGC overnight since they were only a few months old occasionally. Necessity because of both parents work commitments. So rewarding and now they are older it's no big deal to stay at grandmas. Tbh it's never been a problem but then we see them all very regularly. We didn't ask.We were asked !It's lovely to build a loving bond with little ones .And peace of mind for our DCs knowing there is always the option to leave them somewhere in emergencies too

They’re use to it. That’s a little different. That’s what they know.

This is a great idea and should keep everyone happy. You would be closer in case you were needed and could enjoy a little child free break. As a grandmother I would feel miffed if just asked to provide childcare while the parents were working from home.

But you must have had many nights alone with your grandchild from birth. This baby doesn’t know from Adam. They live far away. Totally different circumstances

This cracks me up. lol. And this is the crux of the situation. This child doesn’t really know them and I wouldn’t leave my child with someone they weren’t totally comfortable with. I think at the age of three it could be traumatic. This is no from me.