Grandparents wanting sleepover 1:1

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Hi all, sorry for a long one a lot of context and would love a sanity check on this.

Increasingly noticing that my in laws are very keen (as in mentioning it quite a few times) for 1:1 time with my toddler who is 3, without us parents there, including a sleepover at their house. This is never said directly to us the parents, e.g “we would love to take your child for a sleepover at ours would that be ok?” Instead there is often this thing of saying it to the child “would you like to come to Nannie’s house for a sleepover wouldn’t that be lovely”. Or the most it has been said to us directly is “I could drive and meet you half way if the journey is too much”. Recently it was, “Nannie and Granddad could take him to X place soon for the day wouldn’t that be nice” (this place is a 5 hour drive from our house, but only 1 hour drive from their house, so the only way it would work as a day trip was if child
had slept over at their house).

My child is 3 (just turned 3) and they live 130 miles away so it’s a 3 hour motorway drive. If we are visiting them we would always have to stop for wees etc to get there, so it’s a long old journey especially if there is traffic and generally we have started to ask them to come here instead - it saves the car journey where child gets a bit sicky / restless, but also saves us packing for an overnight trip with all the mountains of stuff kids need. We also have a baby now so even less keen on having to pack up the car for two. Having said that, we still do make a lot of effort to go and stay - when my baby was 6 weeks old we went to stay with toddler so that the wider family could meet the baby.

We get on with them but aren’t as close as we are to my family, who live nearer. But we do go see them fairly regularly. My husband has never been crazily close to them or his sibling, and since we have been together 20 years this has always been the way - seeing them every couple of months or so, no pressure. This has changed though since we had kids as naturally they want time with their grandchild / now grandchildren, which I do get.

Out of respect for this we asked if they would like to do one day a month childcare for us, so they come up for the day whilst my child is not in nursery (he does 4 days a week) so they do get this 1:1 time with them one day a month. I felt uncomfortable asking for them to do more as they are so far away, so my parents who are much closer do the other days. On this day when child is not in nursery we tend to work from home so we are sometimes in the house too, though not always. Sometimes they take him out on their own to the park / zoo / lunch etc. Alongside that day a month, we also see them I would say for weekend visits maybe every 2 months. This feels more than enough for me, and reflects the dynamic of the relationship over the past two decades.

There have been other comments recently around school half terms / school holidays when my child starts, like “when it’s the holidays you can come on holiday to Nannie’s house for the week”.

I am finding my reaction to these comments about sleepovers / time with him quite hard. I don’t know if it’s hormones / some kind of caveman protective thing? I don’t want to be shutting them out, they are really nice people, but I’m finding it really frustrating for a number of reasons.

One is that if they genuinely wanted 1:1 time with him, I don’t know why that needs to be at their house without me and my husband there. We both work full time, child is in nursery in the week so the weekends are so so precious to us - I don’t want to ship him off on the only two days we get with him. I can’t see this changing massively in the summer holidays, I have really good annual leave with work and I would really value that time with my kids, I just can’t see me wanting him away from us for a whole week?

Two, the motorway journey is such a factor here. Train is not an option as the routes don’t connect. Both my inlaws are good drivers but they’re late 60s and it’s a 6 hour round trip, it’s such a long journey for a little one to be in the car and god forbid anything would happen. I wouldn’t be comfortable with many people driving my toddler on the motorway apart from my husband and I, so this nervousness around the drive isn’t just reserved for them. Child also gets a bit sicky on car rides. My husband’s mum once suggested a half way drive and we meet halfway to swap the child over at a petrol station / services and she take him down to theirs, so that we’re not having to go the whole way / they’re not having to go the whole way. My husband pointed out - “but mum, child would still be doing the whole journey” His mum was like “ah right yes ok”, clearly disappointed.

Three, Child has only just turned 3, so the bulk of these comments have been happening since he was 18 months +. I don’t want to deprive them of something they clearly really want (to have their only grandchild at their home on their own, and for a sleepover) but I don’t know if I’m being irrationally annoyed about it. He is still really little. He often gets nightmares in the night and calls out for us and you know what toddlers are like - temperatures, scuffed knees, sickness bugs. He is still in nappies at night. He just seems too little for me to want him to be that far away, if anything happened and we were 3 hours drive away I just feel like that’s a bit far? He is also a really emotional little kid, so I just know how it could go if something upset him.

I am finding myself getting closer to sitting his parents down and saying all of the above, and reiterating that I do want them to have quality time with him but that above what they already get with him I don’t see why these sleepovers needs to be without his parents there too - why can’t it be family time with us all together, especially when he is so young. And especially as me and my husband have full time jobs so really value the precious time we get with him. Maybe when he is older, then we could discuss it again, but for now since he is only just 3 he feels too little to me.

I genuinely can’t tell if I’m being overly cautious / negative about this. I don’t want to be labelled crazy possessive daughter in law, would love a reality check if that’s how it is coming across.

Worth mentioning that my husband remembers having sleepovers at his grandparents house, but the difference was both lived 2 minutes away - so maybe his parents are feeling nostalgic about that and wanting the same, but it’s just not comparable when we live much further. Also his mum was a SAHM, so probably by the weekend she really did want a break understandably. It’s not the same for me.

My husband is totally aligned with me, but I feel like it is probably me who is going to end up having to say this (very conflict avoidant family). How do I politely and clearly put across my point of view?

if you think I just need to suck it up and let them have this sleepover weekend please do say! Genuinely am intrigued to know if I’m overthinking it

She might like to go though.

My grandparents lived 4 hours from me as a child, and I absolutely loved staying with them for holidays. I was really close to them despite the distance. They surely already have a good relationship with him if they are looking after him once a month and visits every month or so. Ok you maybe think he is a bit young now but I think by 3-4 most kids are fine spending a couple of nights with loving grandparents. The rest just sounds like excuses (eg long drive - it could be broken up and somewhere fun visited half way for example)

I'd not say no but if you're not comfortable with it say it sounds amazing, when he is a little bit older. And see if you can work up to it. For example they put him to bed at your house while you're out. He has a sleepover at theirs, and you go and stay in a nearby town or something for the night so you can get back if you really need to. There is surely a middle ground compared to packing him off for the week

baseline?your child, your decision. If it was me, I would really hate it being directed at the child though!

God, how I love my DDIL.

We live just shy of 200 miles away from DS2, DDIL & DGS (13mths). We have had him for a sleepover, when he was 10mths old. DS2 & DDIL went away for the weekend just before DDIL went back to work. It was absolutely amazing, hard work, but brilliant. He didn’t even notice his parents weren’t here and we had such fun.

He goes to his other grandparents, once a week for a sleepover because DDIL & DS2 are both nurses, so her mum looks after him, but they don’t get hime from work until past his bed time so it makes sense for him to be put to bed there. He absolutely loves it.

When we visit, we tend to go there more than they come here, because it is easier for us to travel than them, we get to take him out alone, to the beach or the park or just to watch the fish in the garden centre. Every moment with him is so special. And we’ve already said (all of us) that as he gets older he will be able to spend a week, or a few days here in the holidays if he wants.

Relationships with grandparents are really important imo. We love our DGC. They just want to spend time with the child, it’s not a bad thing.

We’re all different; our family relationships and expectations etc. But nothing in your posts says there is any concern and I find your reaction high maintenance and disproportionate. Others will disagree, as can you.

I don't think a few days staying with Grandparents in the holidays takes away from the parents having a relationship with their child! Having a close relationship with their loving grandparents is important also. A three hour car journey isn't the end of the world, it's not like it's every week!

Hi could you combine it with a night away with DH? Maybe even break the journey up as well with an overnight stay with DC? I think you simply don't trust them. Maybe arrange a few days holiday nearer to them and combine a holiday and visit. I think you will be happier if you are in full control all the time.

Is there somewhere not too far from them you could go to, so your son can sleepover and you can have a night away (albeit with the baby!). Have that for the first one to make sure son is ok and grandparents are ok, and then take it from there.

I get that you're cautious, but they're grandparents which means they were also parents, they want to spend time with your son. If you're uncomfortable because of his age, then say so - "maybe when he's 4". Don't agonise over this, it's something they want to do, that's why they're asking, so they can spoil their grandchild! There's not going to be a nefarious reason for asking.

I accept that was your choice, but if the children had stayed with grandparents from a young age, then they would be used to sleeping there.

If there was an emergency, surely it’s better for children to be cared for by people who have taken sole charge of them on a regular basis?

I’m afraid your post sounds more appropriate for interviewing a teenage baby sitter rather than mature adults who have successfully raised their own family.

Me personally, I’d say to let them have a sleepover. My LO loves having sleepovers in his GP’s, they’ve taken him to caravan holidays for 2 nights with his cousins and he loves it. It reminds me of my own childhood and spending time with my GP’s.

It was my DD who suggested sleepovers first. My DGD was about 2.5 at the time. DD wanted DGD to be comfortable sleeping elsewhere, so that in an emergency (or even something inconvenient and unexpected) she'd be able to send her to me knowing that she'd be relaxed and happy.

That proved to be valuable when DD went into hospital to have baby #2, and a year later when #2 was rushed into hospital and she and her parents were there for a week. DGD coped beautifully at mine.

So yes, starting sleepovers early seems a good idea to me.

It's a 3 year old, when already in full time childcare those holidays are rare quality and down time and 6-7 weeks between will already feel like a very long time.
Going for 4 days in this half term for example would mean 2 days partially taken up travelling, 3 nights of likely unsettled sleep, getting back tired for the remaining 4 days before going back to 7 weeks of only seeing their parents evenings and weekends.
Add in a younger sibling getting to stay at home with parents and it's likely to just create jealousy.

It really does change the dynamic so much when it is just the grandparents and grandchild. And it is understandable that they would want it to be at their home. It will enrich your DC's life, having more people who love him, who want to spend time with him. Especially as they are now relatively young and fit.

Please consider doing this. I was in more or less the same situation as you, it is so hard letting the first one go, especially to in-laws. But please don't use journey time as an excuse, or that your family has historically been closer than your DH's family. They clearly love your DC, and want to have a close bond with him.
It will do your DC good and creates beautiful memories and strong bonds. It is hard letting go.

rude

My in laws had to move 6 hours away when mine were that age. My MIL would visit every 6 weeks, stay with us one night and then take our then 3 yr old son back on the train for 5 days, then the 3 of them would come back the following weekend. They all loved it, but I found it hard and was forever overthinking, but I did it for my son to spend quality time with his grandparents.

My son is 18 now and in full time work, but since he was 15 he has chosen to spend a portion of his summer holiday's (now annual leave) away with his grandparents. They visit different cities in the UK/Europe and have the best time.

It’s hard for us mums, but if you can make it work, please do. My son’s life is so much more enriched due to this experience. He’s never been clingy, has great family relationships and they have been a godsend during the teenage years where he had other family to talk to…when slagging off his mum and dad 😂

I personally would do it. I think a bond with grandparents is so important. I lost my last 2 grandparents last year and it broke my heart, I was so close with them and all I have now is memories. We would sleepover all the time from a young age, they took us away every summer for a week too. Id have been absolutely gutted not to have those memories now just because my mum felt abit uneasy. Sometimes we have to put those feelings aside for our DCs, people can say its not necessary at such a young age but I completely disagree.
Its obvious you favour your own family over DHs, thats completely normal for most of us. But I have to say I dont make it so obvious. We try to be fair and equal with time and sleepovers for our DCs. Id be gutted if MIL felt left out or brushed aside, but we get on well so I wouldnt treat her like that.
My DM has been having my 3 DDs sleep over from just a few months old. They go every few weeks. Shes more than capable and I trust her with my life, I know she can keep them safe and she probably loves them more than me! Same with MIL really, she doesnt have them as often but thats my DMs choice to have them so much.
If you can figure out a way to make it work then please do try. They're not doing it to be awkward, they want a relationship with their DGC. How can anyone be making that a bad thing. Posts on here all the time about grandparents not caring and not making any effort. They cant really win.

Have a nice quiet conversation with your mil. She may be horrified to hear how she is coming across.

Three hours to drive 130 miles on motorway??

Eh, yes you’re overthinking it. You sound like a very anxious person. I’m not getting the issue here. They can’t drive him on the motor way? Eh, what? You need to be there when they’re having one to one time. Erm. Ok. Wow. Relax. There is no issue here - you’re making it all up.

"right now working full time it just feels like I don’t see him enough while he’s still little (and have a load of working mum guilt about that as it is). So maybe they haven’t appreciated that our weekends feel quite precious in that sense, hence me thinking why can’t we spend time together as a family all together."

Your weekends with them are precious... I remember that so well returning from maternity leave. You've given so many reasons why you are not comfortable with these requests which have been going on since eldest was 18 months. And I think that is enough,

You do see the grandparents quite regularly, so you are not depriving them of access.
You've also come up with alternative options for them, which work for you.

and also not wanting, with a new baby added into the mix and still gettting acclimatised to the extra work, to spend extra weekends doing a huge drive, its not sustainable for the time being.

I would also agree asking your child in front of you in an attempt to get you to change your mind is unfair. "If you want to ask, ask me directly." and repeat.

However, giving too many excuses apologetically doesn't work, it just gives them the opportunity to demolish each excuse and keep pressing. Best to lead with the first one... only time we get to see them ourselves and we are all just getting used to the additional baby... we've given you options what do work for us, why won't you consider those... and repeat. Good luck x

It really does. It’s pretty clear you just don’t want them to have your child and I’m sure that comes across to them, hence why they aren’t asking you as they know you’re a lot weird about it

Can you ask them why they want to do this (ie take child without and stay at theirs)? What they expect to get out of it that they can't from visits to your house? And then perhaps point out that he's still tiny and not ready for long distance stays away from you yet and you will let them know when that changes.

The short answer is that you shouldn't feel pushed/guilted into letting them take him. If you don't feel comfortable then it doesn't happen - it's a personal choice and while some parents see this as brilliant (child-free time or bonding with GPs) that doesn't matter. You are not them!

Maybe you will feel differently in a year or two, or five. But until then they need to respect your wishes.

Let them have him for a sleepover, you're really being anxious over nothing...what do you think is going to happen?

Encourage it. I would have been cautious with my eldest but once school holidays become a factor you will love that you have that option. Yes it’s annoying that they weren’t to interested before grandchild was born I had the same situation. Can you meet them half way and do a night out and get a hotel in the area in the middle so if an issue arises you can get there,

Why can't they visit you and stay nearby and take one or both kids out for a few hours locally?