Grandparents wanting sleepover 1:1

[Help3214]

Hi all, sorry for a long one a lot of context and would love a sanity check on this.

Increasingly noticing that my in laws are very keen (as in mentioning it quite a few times) for 1:1 time with my toddler who is 3, without us parents there, including a sleepover at their house. This is never said directly to us the parents, e.g “we would love to take your child for a sleepover at ours would that be ok?” Instead there is often this thing of saying it to the child “would you like to come to Nannie’s house for a sleepover wouldn’t that be lovely”. Or the most it has been said to us directly is “I could drive and meet you half way if the journey is too much”. Recently it was, “Nannie and Granddad could take him to X place soon for the day wouldn’t that be nice” (this place is a 5 hour drive from our house, but only 1 hour drive from their house, so the only way it would work as a day trip was if child
had slept over at their house).

My child is 3 (just turned 3) and they live 130 miles away so it’s a 3 hour motorway drive. If we are visiting them we would always have to stop for wees etc to get there, so it’s a long old journey especially if there is traffic and generally we have started to ask them to come here instead - it saves the car journey where child gets a bit sicky / restless, but also saves us packing for an overnight trip with all the mountains of stuff kids need. We also have a baby now so even less keen on having to pack up the car for two. Having said that, we still do make a lot of effort to go and stay - when my baby was 6 weeks old we went to stay with toddler so that the wider family could meet the baby.

We get on with them but aren’t as close as we are to my family, who live nearer. But we do go see them fairly regularly. My husband has never been crazily close to them or his sibling, and since we have been together 20 years this has always been the way - seeing them every couple of months or so, no pressure. This has changed though since we had kids as naturally they want time with their grandchild / now grandchildren, which I do get.

Out of respect for this we asked if they would like to do one day a month childcare for us, so they come up for the day whilst my child is not in nursery (he does 4 days a week) so they do get this 1:1 time with them one day a month. I felt uncomfortable asking for them to do more as they are so far away, so my parents who are much closer do the other days. On this day when child is not in nursery we tend to work from home so we are sometimes in the house too, though not always. Sometimes they take him out on their own to the park / zoo / lunch etc. Alongside that day a month, we also see them I would say for weekend visits maybe every 2 months. This feels more than enough for me, and reflects the dynamic of the relationship over the past two decades.

There have been other comments recently around school half terms / school holidays when my child starts, like “when it’s the holidays you can come on holiday to Nannie’s house for the week”.

I am finding my reaction to these comments about sleepovers / time with him quite hard. I don’t know if it’s hormones / some kind of caveman protective thing? I don’t want to be shutting them out, they are really nice people, but I’m finding it really frustrating for a number of reasons.

One is that if they genuinely wanted 1:1 time with him, I don’t know why that needs to be at their house without me and my husband there. We both work full time, child is in nursery in the week so the weekends are so so precious to us - I don’t want to ship him off on the only two days we get with him. I can’t see this changing massively in the summer holidays, I have really good annual leave with work and I would really value that time with my kids, I just can’t see me wanting him away from us for a whole week?

Two, the motorway journey is such a factor here. Train is not an option as the routes don’t connect. Both my inlaws are good drivers but they’re late 60s and it’s a 6 hour round trip, it’s such a long journey for a little one to be in the car and god forbid anything would happen. I wouldn’t be comfortable with many people driving my toddler on the motorway apart from my husband and I, so this nervousness around the drive isn’t just reserved for them. Child also gets a bit sicky on car rides. My husband’s mum once suggested a half way drive and we meet halfway to swap the child over at a petrol station / services and she take him down to theirs, so that we’re not having to go the whole way / they’re not having to go the whole way. My husband pointed out - “but mum, child would still be doing the whole journey” His mum was like “ah right yes ok”, clearly disappointed.

Three, Child has only just turned 3, so the bulk of these comments have been happening since he was 18 months +. I don’t want to deprive them of something they clearly really want (to have their only grandchild at their home on their own, and for a sleepover) but I don’t know if I’m being irrationally annoyed about it. He is still really little. He often gets nightmares in the night and calls out for us and you know what toddlers are like - temperatures, scuffed knees, sickness bugs. He is still in nappies at night. He just seems too little for me to want him to be that far away, if anything happened and we were 3 hours drive away I just feel like that’s a bit far? He is also a really emotional little kid, so I just know how it could go if something upset him.

I am finding myself getting closer to sitting his parents down and saying all of the above, and reiterating that I do want them to have quality time with him but that above what they already get with him I don’t see why these sleepovers needs to be without his parents there too - why can’t it be family time with us all together, especially when he is so young. And especially as me and my husband have full time jobs so really value the precious time we get with him. Maybe when he is older, then we could discuss it again, but for now since he is only just 3 he feels too little to me.

I genuinely can’t tell if I’m being overly cautious / negative about this. I don’t want to be labelled crazy possessive daughter in law, would love a reality check if that’s how it is coming across.

Worth mentioning that my husband remembers having sleepovers at his grandparents house, but the difference was both lived 2 minutes away - so maybe his parents are feeling nostalgic about that and wanting the same, but it’s just not comparable when we live much further. Also his mum was a SAHM, so probably by the weekend she really did want a break understandably. It’s not the same for me.

My husband is totally aligned with me, but I feel like it is probably me who is going to end up having to say this (very conflict avoidant family). How do I politely and clearly put across my point of view?

if you think I just need to suck it up and let them have this sleepover weekend please do say! Genuinely am intrigued to know if I’m overthinking it

I have my granddaughter regularly for sleepover and have done since she was about 18 months .
She is so different when just with us ,not as stressy,eats well,plays with different toys/ experiences etc
Always happy to go home but happy to stay with us when necessary.

If the GP live in or near somewhere nice for a holiday could you stay nearby for a week in the summer? They could have loads of time with the kids and you both get childfree time!

My DC have enjoyed solo sleepovers with their grandparents (about 3 hours drive away) from about age 3 and during primary school years they have been going for 3/4/5 days at a time a couple of times a year in the holidays. It's really good for kids to have close relationships with their grandparents and a few hours in the car is not a big deal. Now my eldest is 13 she's not v keen and wants to spend her holidays at home. I'm really glad she had that experience while she was young

They are right that a change of scene will (probably) be really nice for your DC. It will be easier for them to do it somewhere they know - and they will give your DC the best experience somewhere they know. So I see why they would want it at their place rather than yours.

Why not take DC up and you and DH go off for a hotel stay nearby and see how it goes?

YANBU.

"My husband is totally aligned with me, but I feel like it is probably me who is going to end up having to say this (very conflict avoidant family). How do I politely and clearly put across my point of view? "

I'd pick them up on the not asking you directly, but instead trying to persuade your child to say they want a sleepover and thus back you into a corner. That is just not on!

'Margaret, I've heard you speak to DC about coming for a sleepover, you need to have that conversation with me FIRST. I don't think it's fair on DC for you to get them all excited before you've cleared it with me and DH now, is it?

That forces the issue into the light and your in-laws onto the back-foot - if they were trying to back you into a corner from where you'd have to agree to the sleepover, which looks to be their plan. Emotional blackmail has always put my back right up.

From there you'll undoubtedly get protestations starting with 'Oh, but we just thought <whatever>'. Which gives you the opening to point out that the distance and the length of time in a car to get to theirs makes it completely impractical and it's really not fair on DC to have to make that long journey at their behest. Until they outgrow travel sickness it is best all round that the adults do the travelling. Don't soften it, be firm in your tone. If they are "very conflict avoidant" that should suffice.

But WHY? When the op and her dh don’t want to - and for all the perfectly sensible reasons given.
@Help3214 stick to your guns - he’s too little, journey too long, and most importantly - you and dh don’t want to. That’s all there is too it. If they don’t understand that it’s too bad. Just state that hose reasons and say you’ll let them know when you feel differently.

I don’t think them wanting to have their grandchild for a sleepover is a problem. However the problem for me is how they are approaching this. They shouldn’t talk to a child about it, it’s quite sneaky. They should always check with you first. Their approach actually works against them because they are pressing you for something you are not comfortable with and of course it’s tainting your relationship.
Can your DH have a chat (patiently and politely) with his parents about checking with you both first before mentioning things like trips and sleepovers to a child? They need to learn that it’s your child and that they can’t do what they want, you are the main people in child’s life. If they don’t want to accept this it means for me that they are selfish and don’t understand boundaries and I won’t trust people like this personally.

My dc loved going to their grandparents and had first sleepover younger than 3, we lived overseas so it was rare, but they would watch them whilst we got a rare night away together.

Unless there's red flags, I suggest that you consider the advantages, time with just your other dc, eventually time alone! And as to why their house, I suspects there's places near them that they want to take them to eg my parents would take my dc to local petting zoo and farm shop walking distance from their house or the seaside.

Each family is different and not all grandparents are going to be suitable caregivers however I don't understand why you question why they want to see dc without you, it's because whether you realise it or not, you are changing the dynamics

How lovely that your in laws are loving grandparents and want to spend time with their grandson! I think it's a very normal thing for grandchildren to go and stay with their grandparents, I used to spend a few days with both sets of grandparents in the holidays and it was a special time. It's a precious relationship and benefits children enormously. I think it's sad when I see these posts 😔 what happened to it takes a village to raise a child?

5 hours away without you there? And a very lengthy round trip for you that you don’t want? It’s a no from me

Can you simply say that your child is too young to be that far away from you, but you expect that in a few years he'll be delighted to spend a couple of days with them in the school holidays, with his younger sibling too? Meanwhile, you'd love to invite them to visit you as a family and babysit in the evening perhaps while you and DH go out for dinner.

Ps we lived 4 hours away once my dc were primary aged and we met half way, one dc very travel sick, mostly on country lanes near their home so they were welcome to have her

My parents had them for 1-2 weeks in school holidays

They need to ask you, the parents, first.
They're bringing this stuff up to the 3 year old because they think the kid will whine or guilt you if you say no. Tell them to stop it, a 3 year old doesn't decide their schedule and they're being inappropriate. Automatic no to any time request they bring up to your child

I would not send a 3 year old anywhere for a week.

It depends on the child as to an overnight. Are they comfortable handling your child for a full day and night, does he get upset if you and dad aren't there, how is he with routine disruption?

You know your kid best and it sounds like from what you've said that overnights can wait until he's a bit older.

This. Say No. They are only thinking of themselves.

Your child is a little person in his own right, not the floor show for his grandparents on a Saturday night.

Spending time with his nana is lovely but not when the poor kid has to do a 6 hour journey, away from his mum before he is even out of nappies.

I’m so glad my DDIL was not like the OP. She and my son were very happy to receive support with their children from birth. As a consequence, the children grew up having a secure relationship with my DH and me. As grandparents, we only ever wanted the best for our grandchildren, and were able to give them experiences that we all enjoyed.

It must be sad for grandparents when their offspring are so suspicious of motives that they are denied the very special relationships that develop if they are allowed to spend quality time with their grandchildren.

Because I think that the reasons (age, journey and that he needs his mummy) are silly reasons to curtail a child's experiences and the opportunity to form a bond with grandparents. No wonder the child is overly emotional. Presumably cub camp and school residentials will also be too much, too soon and too far away.

It's a fun time with GP's not a trip to the dark side of the moon. Actually, on a Pink Floyd theme, the song "Mother" is worth a listen.

It's half-term here now and as I left for work I received a WhatsApp pic of DS10 in bed with his GP's. Their bond is a beautiful thing.

The fact they talk to/ ask your child directly instead of having a normal conversation directly with you makes this an automatic no for me. Anyway, if you’re not comfortable with their ‘suggestions’ you don’t have to go with that.

Ah it's hard for the in-laws as us daughter in laws are usually closer to our own families which is only natural. Then they get in their feelings a bit and feel left out. My kids love the in-laws as much as they do my parents but that's because I've created no barriers in their relationship. MIL still feels like my family come first though which I can understand. If you feel overwhelmed by the idea of it perhaps your husband could take the child up to visit his parents and the two of them could sleep over. That way you get a rest at home and he deals with his parents.

I think yabu, unless you have a reason not to trust your In Laws. It's good for your DC to spend one on one time with their grandparents and also for you and your DH to have time for just the 2 of you once in a while.

@Ablondiebutagoody The child is only three, he can ‘bond’ with his gps if they come and visit as op suggests. Or have sleepovers when he’s older - along with the cub camps and school residentials. At this age his primary bond is with his close family - no need to send him on a long road trip to pander to gps yet. Three. Still little-ish.
Mum has a new baby too, maybe baby hormones - maybe as she says she wants him nearby, and nothing wrong with that. There’s plenty of time for sleepovers, especially when the gp are not exactly close or very familiar.

As you’ll see from the various replies, everyone has a different opinion and it is really based on what you are comfortable with. You do not need to explain why you are comfortable or not with your 3 year old having a night (or week) away from you regardless of location of said grandparents. If you are not comfortable, that’s absolutely fine and simply tell them that and you can maybe revisit when he is older. It’s not a reflection on them as grandparents.

Overnights are also not a requirement for a relationship with grandparents, regardless of location. Children also do not require a ‘special bond’ with their GPs that can ‘only’ be created from time alone. I spent my entire childhood living away from my GPs (army child) and never had an overnight with them but we still had a lovely relationship and they are/were very important to me.

Basically, OP, do whatever you feel comfortable with and don’t second guess yourself. Definitely tell them to stop asking via your child too, that’s very cheeky.

Absolutely not. Maybe if they lived much much closer and when the child is older 6 plus. But absolutely not with a motorway journey and the distance and his age AND the manipulation from them, they are not respecting your boundaries and are being very manipulative by asking the child and constantly questioning you.

Trust your gut; you are not being unreasonable at all.
Your job is to keep your baby safe so do what feels right.

The thing that springs to my mind is are they mad? Who WANTS a toddler to look after overnight when it's not their child?

It's generally a really weird request on their part.

Does your child ever sleep over at your parents' house?

I'd have thought that when I was the parent of toddlers too.

Then, a few decades later, I became a Grandma.
It's not a weird request at all. For the vast majority of grandparents, the love they feel for their grandkids is almost on a par with how they felt about their own kids. It's instinctive. Occasionally I'll get a video message from my little DGD asking if she can come for a sleepover. And I spend the next hour grinning with happiness. Despite being one of the least sentimental people I know.

I don't blame a parent of little kids for not getting it. I didn't either. But hopefully you will if you become a Grandma.