Grandparents wanting sleepover 1:1

[Help3214]

Hi all, sorry for a long one a lot of context and would love a sanity check on this.

Increasingly noticing that my in laws are very keen (as in mentioning it quite a few times) for 1:1 time with my toddler who is 3, without us parents there, including a sleepover at their house. This is never said directly to us the parents, e.g “we would love to take your child for a sleepover at ours would that be ok?” Instead there is often this thing of saying it to the child “would you like to come to Nannie’s house for a sleepover wouldn’t that be lovely”. Or the most it has been said to us directly is “I could drive and meet you half way if the journey is too much”. Recently it was, “Nannie and Granddad could take him to X place soon for the day wouldn’t that be nice” (this place is a 5 hour drive from our house, but only 1 hour drive from their house, so the only way it would work as a day trip was if child
had slept over at their house).

My child is 3 (just turned 3) and they live 130 miles away so it’s a 3 hour motorway drive. If we are visiting them we would always have to stop for wees etc to get there, so it’s a long old journey especially if there is traffic and generally we have started to ask them to come here instead - it saves the car journey where child gets a bit sicky / restless, but also saves us packing for an overnight trip with all the mountains of stuff kids need. We also have a baby now so even less keen on having to pack up the car for two. Having said that, we still do make a lot of effort to go and stay - when my baby was 6 weeks old we went to stay with toddler so that the wider family could meet the baby.

We get on with them but aren’t as close as we are to my family, who live nearer. But we do go see them fairly regularly. My husband has never been crazily close to them or his sibling, and since we have been together 20 years this has always been the way - seeing them every couple of months or so, no pressure. This has changed though since we had kids as naturally they want time with their grandchild / now grandchildren, which I do get.

Out of respect for this we asked if they would like to do one day a month childcare for us, so they come up for the day whilst my child is not in nursery (he does 4 days a week) so they do get this 1:1 time with them one day a month. I felt uncomfortable asking for them to do more as they are so far away, so my parents who are much closer do the other days. On this day when child is not in nursery we tend to work from home so we are sometimes in the house too, though not always. Sometimes they take him out on their own to the park / zoo / lunch etc. Alongside that day a month, we also see them I would say for weekend visits maybe every 2 months. This feels more than enough for me, and reflects the dynamic of the relationship over the past two decades.

There have been other comments recently around school half terms / school holidays when my child starts, like “when it’s the holidays you can come on holiday to Nannie’s house for the week”.

I am finding my reaction to these comments about sleepovers / time with him quite hard. I don’t know if it’s hormones / some kind of caveman protective thing? I don’t want to be shutting them out, they are really nice people, but I’m finding it really frustrating for a number of reasons.

One is that if they genuinely wanted 1:1 time with him, I don’t know why that needs to be at their house without me and my husband there. We both work full time, child is in nursery in the week so the weekends are so so precious to us - I don’t want to ship him off on the only two days we get with him. I can’t see this changing massively in the summer holidays, I have really good annual leave with work and I would really value that time with my kids, I just can’t see me wanting him away from us for a whole week?

Two, the motorway journey is such a factor here. Train is not an option as the routes don’t connect. Both my inlaws are good drivers but they’re late 60s and it’s a 6 hour round trip, it’s such a long journey for a little one to be in the car and god forbid anything would happen. I wouldn’t be comfortable with many people driving my toddler on the motorway apart from my husband and I, so this nervousness around the drive isn’t just reserved for them. Child also gets a bit sicky on car rides. My husband’s mum once suggested a half way drive and we meet halfway to swap the child over at a petrol station / services and she take him down to theirs, so that we’re not having to go the whole way / they’re not having to go the whole way. My husband pointed out - “but mum, child would still be doing the whole journey” His mum was like “ah right yes ok”, clearly disappointed.

Three, Child has only just turned 3, so the bulk of these comments have been happening since he was 18 months +. I don’t want to deprive them of something they clearly really want (to have their only grandchild at their home on their own, and for a sleepover) but I don’t know if I’m being irrationally annoyed about it. He is still really little. He often gets nightmares in the night and calls out for us and you know what toddlers are like - temperatures, scuffed knees, sickness bugs. He is still in nappies at night. He just seems too little for me to want him to be that far away, if anything happened and we were 3 hours drive away I just feel like that’s a bit far? He is also a really emotional little kid, so I just know how it could go if something upset him.

I am finding myself getting closer to sitting his parents down and saying all of the above, and reiterating that I do want them to have quality time with him but that above what they already get with him I don’t see why these sleepovers needs to be without his parents there too - why can’t it be family time with us all together, especially when he is so young. And especially as me and my husband have full time jobs so really value the precious time we get with him. Maybe when he is older, then we could discuss it again, but for now since he is only just 3 he feels too little to me.

I genuinely can’t tell if I’m being overly cautious / negative about this. I don’t want to be labelled crazy possessive daughter in law, would love a reality check if that’s how it is coming across.

Worth mentioning that my husband remembers having sleepovers at his grandparents house, but the difference was both lived 2 minutes away - so maybe his parents are feeling nostalgic about that and wanting the same, but it’s just not comparable when we live much further. Also his mum was a SAHM, so probably by the weekend she really did want a break understandably. It’s not the same for me.

My husband is totally aligned with me, but I feel like it is probably me who is going to end up having to say this (very conflict avoidant family). How do I politely and clearly put across my point of view?

if you think I just need to suck it up and let them have this sleepover weekend please do say! Genuinely am intrigued to know if I’m overthinking it

You are not as close to them as to your own parents because you don't choose to be. Simple as that. You are looking for excuse after excuse for a visit not to work. It will work if you want it to. How about seeing things from their point of view once in a while. They clearly want more commitment to their grandchildren than you think they should have. They are not being difficult or unreasonable.

Why wouldn’t others drive your child? Are they planning on strapping him at the back of a motorbike?

This shows you are being overly anxious. It’s okay if you don’t want a sleepover for your 3 year old yet, just say it to them directly. Thanks for the offer, I am not comfortable with it right now.
Think of at what age and setup it will work for you.

Can you not just breezily laugh and say, ‘No sleepovers for a few years yet’.

As contingency planning for a future emergency it is good to bank overnight stays with other people who get to know them well whether GPS or friends or childminder etc

You never know when you might need to rely on this

But you can just say breezily " yeh when he is older" and stop tying yourself in knots with reasons not to

Too young and the child should be old to decide for themselves when they are ready. Off loading as soon as possible is not always in the CHILD’S best interests

Thinking back, I think 3 is quite an odd age emotionally for parents.

You are starting to have to let go of the reins a bit with things like school now on the horizon.

I was much more protective of DD at 3 than I was when she was older. A lot of that is hormonal. (DD was also still BF until 3.5 years, and had had appallingly bad separation anxiety from 5 months till she was well past 2 so that possibly didn't help my mind set).

By the time she was 7 I would have been over the moon to have sent her off to grandparents for a weekend. At 3 I wasn't ready for more than the hours she was at nursery.

I would feel the same way as you.

Its obvious they are coming from a kind place. Why not offer another day of childcare at yours so it’s twice a month rather than once? Would you let them stay over the night before and maybe go for dinner with your husband and let them do bed time?

I would be honest with them about it being a very long journey and that you’re keen to spend as much time with your DC as possible as you both work.

Hopefully you can find a compromise.

Why does a three year old need to have sleepovers to have their life enriched? They're three. They need stability and their parents. If they don't sleep well at night then there's no benefit to the child at all.

In order to maintain their relationship do you video call them as well OP?
My parents lived 8 hours away so when DC were small we did this which although strengthened their bond.
Although DH may not have the closest of relationships the one with grandparents and grandchildren can be very different to parents.

We all have different thresholds of acceptability and maybe once you have left them in your home looking after your DC you can consider the sleepover.

Summer holidays with 7 weeks to cover is a long time when they are in primary school and mine loved going to stay with my parents

My own opinion is no 'for the grandparents to have fun' sleepovers until they can communicate well enough over the phone. That means they know they can speak to me if me and their dad if they want to. I personally don't think theres any benefit to the child otherwise.

I suggest taking a deep breath and trying to remember to not take this too seriously.

In my experience, most people have their little annoying things they do without meaning any harm. To me, that's the category them "cutely" asking your toddler instead of you falls into. It sounds to me like they're maybe asking through the child to avoid coming across as directly confrontational, though of course their attempt is falling short of that mark and is just landing in the annoying as heck zone instead.

Why not just lightly and politely say something like, "We're not quite ready for that but thanks so much for the lovely offer." If they ask why, just repeat that "Oh, we're just not ready for overnights. We're just not." Rinse and repeat, even if you have to go through this little routine every time you see them.

It's always up to you and your husband and you two agree on it, so no worries. You don't have to get into any big discussions with them about it or to even worry about it.

If it helps, and as I'm sure you already know anyway, remember that their annoying little pushes come from a good place. It never hurts to have more people around who love and dote on your child. There could come a time when you desperately do need that overnight or five-day help. Good luck with it.

YANBU. He’s only 3 and still unsettled at night and understandably wants his Mum/Dad and more familiar surroundings.

So I would have thought an obvious plan would be to stay over at the Grandparents sometimes as the whole family - so he gets used to sleeping at theirs/the new surroundings with his Mum and Dad there as well. With a new baby, I understand it might be a pain to go regularly- but maybe you could go stay as a family every few months just for a couple of nights?

And then once he’s school age and a bit more independent he could try staying on his own for a night or two in the school holidays (gradually building up the length of time if he likes it).

Meh.

Accepting childcare based on them driving 260 miles in one day is one thing. (And bonkers)

Logistically a one night sleepover isn't going to work in terms of travelling time. Ever.

I must be in the minority here but I would let them on the odd occasion. I’d probably book a hotel locally for the first few times and have some quality time with DH. I’ve got a 2yo and I’m friends with lots of couples who have similar aged little ones. We all let them sleepover with Grandparents so we can socialise or attend weddings and we’ve all done it since they were babies. It’s only a handful of times a year but it’s nice to have childfree times and know they’re settled and happy. My DD asks/cries to sleepover with my parents now lol but my parents can’t provide childcare so it’s nice 1:1 time for them. If they already have a nice bond because they do childcare for your LO then it’s unlikely to cause any harm. If they’re 3 they can tell you if they don’t want to do something?

If they lived locally then there wouldn’t be a problem, but, they live too far away. So you both need to stand firm and say No.
Your in-laws sound bored so they need to find some interests. Or better still, get a dog.

It would be a 'no' from me. There are some very entitled grand parents around these days.

Personally, I think MIL is out of order by speaking to the child about a sleepover.....it's almost like she thinks you will cave in as you don't want to disappoint him. That aside, the distance doesn't sit right with me - a short drive away is manageable for anyone to collect him for some reason but 3 hours each way is a big stretch.
Also, I just don't get why people want to have children to stay in the absence of the childs parents - perhaps I have a suspicious mind but it does not seem right.

This is the best way to get this matter sorted @Help3214

your balking at the way this is being handled and that’s clouding everything

so have a chat with her, say to her that you’ve heard all her chats with the dc about staying over and actually you’d be so much happier to talk about this between adults and not via the child.

tell her that you’re open to the visits, but they are going to need to be planned because of all the logistics

It's a really long journey, he gets travel sick (I got travel sick at the drop of a hat as a child and it was utterly miserable!), he doesn't actually see these grandparents all that often so might not really have the sort of connection with them that means he would be comfortable with them overnight, he's really young for being away from his parents, and if he has a screaming fit at midnight, mum and dad are 3 hours away. Definitely not unreasonable to not agree to it. It's a shame, as the grandparents are so keen, but he's a tiny human being, not some toy that everyone should be allowed to have a go on.

There are many multiple variables at play here…

1. the car journey. I find it hard to see how 130 miles on motorway takes 3 hours but whatever. Moaning about the car journey though is an excuse. Many people travel their kiddos everywhere - way longer journeys than you’re describing so I’d forget about using the journey as an issue. Car journeys will be harder the more you make of them. Take snacks, ignore your child and don’t pander to him the entire time - let him sleep /stare out the window etc. It’s good to be bored as a child.
2. you don’t sound ready for your toddler to go for overnight stops alone - that’s totally fine and understandable. Just be assertive and say to them “we feel he’s not ready yet to stay on his own”.
3. Switching him half way at a service station - not great - he might think you’re running away. If you let in stay over with ILs, take him there, settle then leave whilst he’s busy with them.
4. From their perspective they are probs thinking it gives you both time to rest a bit without a toddler and new baby. Also that they aren’t spring chickens and want to spend quality time with him. It also sounds like you’re not that close to them so they maybe feel they have to ask through your child rather than you - maybe you give off vibes making them feel they can’t ask you straight out.
5. The last thing I think is how you sound quite cheeky; asking them to drive to you monthly for a day (do they sleep over at your house on that childcare day?). For childcare? That’s to 100% help you out for free! They must feel a bit used no?

If you’re not comfortable with them having sleepovers then just don’t, if it comes up again say ‘that’d be nice when they’re older’ and change the conversation.

I’ve always said the DC can have sleepovers when they ask for it themselves. As it happens my 7 year old has autism and hates the idea, and my 2 younger DC haven’t shown an interest yet. My middle DC still wakes every night and cries for me so I wouldn’t be comfortable with them staying anywhere yet anyway.

In OP's shoes I don't think I'd have a problem with the idea itself. It could be a nice experience for the child.

However, it's the manipulative and the passive aggressive way they go about arranging this and the roping a child into their scheming. Why can't they communicate like adults and say they want to do this? That way you can have a discussion about if and when you will do this.

Not enough info in the post

I probably could have written your post. My little one is still quite young but it became apparent from when she was a tiny baby that there were Expectations of her, for example, going to theirs for holidays without myself or my husband (actually... the expectations were that she'd go and live with them, but they sort of backtracked on that when I shut it down, it was completely bizarre).

I completely understand everything you're feeling. We have the added complication of also have a fairly difficult relationship with my in-laws and we don't meet up that regularly, so I find comments addressed to my child about her living with them etc really uncomfortable. It feels like we're just a hindrance to them getting what they want, as they're not really interested in improving our relationship or spending time with us grown-ups, just the GC.

No advice really. It's so tricky. It's actually something I ended up focussing a lot on in therapy. I felt a lot of guilt, because I didn't want to stand in the way of my child's relationship with her grandparents but felt so conflicted because our relationship isn't good and the trust just isn't there. My therapist actually surprised me by really challenging my feelings about grandparents having a "right" to a close relationship with their grandchildren and (what I felt were) my obligations to facilitate this. I am also admittedly very PFB about my one and only, much wanted child, and have no interest in shipping her off during the school holidays. I suspect it'll be a point of contention though.

When he’s a bit older, that sounds lovely, except for the distance. Living 5 hours from grandchildren makes sleepovers tricky. But definitely when dc is older, I’m sure they’d love a sleepover or holiday with grandparents. I spent all my holidays with my grandparents and it was wonderful.

I think be grateful you have 2 healthy safe involved grandparents. Dh and I both lost our dads when we were young. I am NC with my mum. And for safety reasons, MIL cannot ever have ours overnight unsupervised. Our dc will never have days out or sleepovers with grandparents.

It’s okay to just say, thank you and when he’s older and a bit more independent, we’ll see what we can arrange but right now he’s still a bit too little.