Unwanted potential guest...please help!

[TrickySituation22]

Me and my partner live with my adult daughter. We let our spare room to my partner's longstanding mate who is single, but always hoping for a girlfriend, he's late 30's now, let's call him Ray.
Ray is fine but sometimes give me the ick when he's overtly sexual and crude over his comments about women on TV etc.
He met a woman a few years ago who had been with her partner for 10+ years, and he struck up a friendship with her. However we have never met her as she refused all invitations to our home or to meet up elsewhere. She also used Ray for lifts to the airport when holidaying with friends, for work done to her car and for meals out etc, he paid for everything. He did all this in the hope of getting closer to her (basically he said he wanted to have sex with her) despite the fact that she was with a partner and kept Ray strictly in the friendzone.
Today my partner has announced that Ray has called him and this woman has now split up with her long-standing boyfriend and has nowhere to go and will be coming to live with us until she can find somewhere. Ray says she will be sleeping in his room, but as friends.
No discussion, just presented to me and my daughter as a fait accompli.
My daughter and I are not happy, she's a complete stranger and Ray works away during the week so we would be here alone with her. Apparently according to Ray she has a lot of 'issues' and is going to find it very difficult finding a place a living on her own as she's not a 'coper'.
We've told my partner we don't want it because she sounds like a user and hasn't wanted to meet us before. Plus there's no room for her car and I work from home.
My partner is now embarrassed as we've messaged on our home group chat to the effect that we are not happy about this decision and he is saying in that case no one can stay, not even my daughter's boyfriend, nor any of my friends, ever, not even for one night.
We've been happy to have other friends of Ray's stay the odd night before, guys we have known.
Am I being unreasonable thinking this is an unfair request? We did say one or two nights would be ok but then she'd need to have concrete plans.

It’s the difference between a guest and a 5th lodger.

And since Ray has been clear in the past that he wants a sexual relationship with her, this is clearly what he wants.

A few nights, while Ray is there, even a week - ok. But for a log period, where the woman is there for days when Ray is away, in the house while the OP works from home: that’s a 5th lodger.

The OP and DP might object if the Dd introduced a permanent live in boyfriend as a 5th lodger.

OP: I would tell Ray ‘guests no problem’ and put a time limit on it of no more than a week.

Your daughter must feel really uncomfortable being made to live with two unrelated males, one of which is a pervert and a bully.
Do you really need to live with your boyfriend? Obviously boot out the pervert.

I'd be VERY clear to DH that he is making a fool of himself in prioritising a flaky woman he has never met above his family. You might want to point out the ridiculousness of DH thinking he is 'losing face' to a bloke who can't even get his shit together to find a flat or girlfriend in his mid-thirties.

Ray is a twat but your DH needs to stop making YOU the party-pooper and own and solve the problem.

Excellent post @SlightlyJaded you put that better than I could.

Did you actually want Ray to move in - do you need the money? It sounds a bit like this situation is what your partner wants and you've gone along with it. Is it what you actually want, because being in your late 30s/40s and having some random misogynistic guy sharing your and your partner's house isn't exactly the dream for most women? Nobody wants to be Dorothy from Men Behaving Badly.

Definitely don't let this other woman in or you won't see the back of her. If you do let her stay, make it clear that she can only stay a few days - however I suspect you'll be stuck with her unless Ray grosses her out so much that she leaves, which also sounds possible.

Disrespectful partner and lodger. Maybe you and your daughter are better off elsewhere with better-respected boundaries. No, you don't sound unreasonable. It comes across aa a weird situation. Have a Plan B. Good luck.

@TrickySituation22 It's going to be a shit show and you know it.

The house is surely too small for another person?

You will be hearing them have sex as well..

I rented to student lodgers years ago and said ''no overnight guests''
To stop the ''moving in by default'' thing.

They were generally young, so happy to have a cheap rent and one is still a friend many years later!

Plus Ray's new paramour will be bringing all her tat with her.

A friend had a partner move in to his flat and was horrified at the amount of ''stuff'' she has.
It's not just a person, it's all their possessions as well!

I think your partner and Ray are both a waste of space but to be sure you are on a sound legal footing here (as a landlord) I just want to check:
Do you all have an equal AST for the property i.e. there are 4 signatures on the AST?
What does your local authority website say about HMOs? Because our rental property is my former home in a London borough and any more than 2 adults living in our flat means it has to be registered as an HMO. In some local authorities the limit is 4 so that 5 or more adults counts as an HMO and the landlord must register, there are additional requirements, the landlord must pay etc.
So nobody can live in the house that isn't on the AST (as that's what it says on the AST) but also the house must be differently managed, in most non-London boroughs, if it has 5 adults living there - the definition of which is "it's their main residence" - i.e. they don't have somewhere else to live.

So Ray cannot bring in a 5th adult to be a lodger or a new tenant unless the landlord registers the property, if she hasn't got anywhere else to go.

Your partner, you, and the adult daughter can have friends to stay who have another home.

Or alternatively, your partner and Ray can sod off and rent a menage a trois with the random woman Ray wants to shag.

(A very good friend's lovely husband is called Ray and this is making me think of him in a different light.)

I think it is the husband saying this

Ewww. Ray's definitely going to want her to 'pay her way', isn't he?

If I had the income to get somewhere else with my daughter, I'd be leaving by the end of the week (preferably by the next day).

Then they can have their creepy, rapey houseshare all to themselves.

This has a shitshow written all over it. We already know that she is a user. Once she moves in it is going to be a nightmare to get rid of her.

To be honest I would agree with the no guest thing in the short term and find a new place for your and your dd to move to and let your spineless dp, the creepy Ray and the woman with issues to it.

She's not a guest. She's a resident. She has nowhere else to live ergo this is her main residence.

Can you and partner afford to live there without Ray?

it’s interesting that you each pay 1/4 but presumably you and partner share a room and daughter and Ray have their own seperate rooms. In which case if he’s moving a new head into his current room you should all pay 1/5.

also if you agreed to move Ray in for 1/4 of the rent but on the basis that he wasn’t around during the week that you WFH then changing this should also mean costs get renegotiated.

button need to call our Rays misogyny each and every time in your home

I'd move out with DD & find a 2-bed flat. I wouldn't be happy with this set up at all.

So, as others have said, there's a difference between long-term movers in, and a few days. Why don't you seek a compromise in saying 'no more than 3 days in any week', or the like? I think I would be hacked off at the over-crowding (for example, do you all have to queue for the same shower in the morning?), and the costs too. It would surely also be weird for her to be staying when Ray isn't there all week....
In summary:

• find a compromise for how many nights any visitor can stay (you may have exceptions of a friend visiting for a week from overseas once a year... but, be sensible about that.)
• have a discussion over any financial implications/contributions to food, bills, etc., if it is regular.
• you have a bigger issue with your DP, where he needs to be able to realise he needs to discuss these things with you, and then also how you put up a united front. On this occasion, he will need to back down to someone!

Oh, and also, it might be time for Ray, and his new ladyfriend, to find another place together - just the two of them!

It sounds as if Ray and your partner are colluding.
How much leverage do you have in this situation OP?

Very true.
Her rent will be in the form of sexual favors to Ray, he's been hanging around salivating waiting for an opportunity to exploit her and now he's got it. Your partner is presumably rooting for Ray and also salivating at the idea of Ray finally getting his end away
🤮

I would be dumping the partner but if you don't want to do that then say the bills including rent are now split between both couples.

It sounds awful and I would not let her cross the threshold personally.

I don't like ultimatums but in this instance you need to say to your partner that he needs to be on your side or you split up.

Ray needs to be evicted asap.

You should worry about what the future holds as you'll be treading on your tippy toes.

This
Absolutely NO
And I bet you'd end up looking after her too.

OP, I would phone the landlord because if there are five people living there it counts as a large HMO and there are implications for him. There’s no way I would be letting this other woman move in - my DD lived in a large HMO and one of the reasons it eventually broke up was people moving in partners but not paying any extra - they use stuff, they take up space, they are just there all the time, and it’s so much harder to get rid of someone once they’re in residence. You really don’t want this - as others have said, you have a DP problem, and if your DP is threatening you over what you can and can’t do if you object to this problematic randomer moving in, I’d be taking a long hard look at your relationship.

I agree with PP. I would move out and say Ray and/or his friend can take over my tenancy.

Adult DD can make a decision whether to stay or go.

No… it’s the OP’s partner saying this.

@TrickySituation22 as usual, you have a partner issue.

Agreeing to let a total stranger stay with you without discussion is not comparable to you having known friends and family staying.

The fact that he would rather put his friends wishes above those of his partner and child speaks volumes.

Time to tell the pair of them that they can fuck off.

Don't let your daughter stay there, those two men will deliberately let her get behind with the rent/bills and then offer her an opportunity to pay them off with sexual favours.