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AIBU?

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Original poster

Unwanted potential guest...please help!

304 replies

TrickySituation22 · 18/02/2025 01:35

Me and my partner live with my adult daughter. We let our spare room to my partner's longstanding mate who is single, but always hoping for a girlfriend, he's late 30's now, let's call him Ray.
Ray is fine but sometimes give me the ick when he's overtly sexual and crude over his comments about women on TV etc.
He met a woman a few years ago who had been with her partner for 10+ years, and he struck up a friendship with her. However we have never met her as she refused all invitations to our home or to meet up elsewhere. She also used Ray for lifts to the airport when holidaying with friends, for work done to her car and for meals out etc, he paid for everything. He did all this in the hope of getting closer to her (basically he said he wanted to have sex with her) despite the fact that she was with a partner and kept Ray strictly in the friendzone.
Today my partner has announced that Ray has called him and this woman has now split up with her long-standing boyfriend and has nowhere to go and will be coming to live with us until she can find somewhere. Ray says she will be sleeping in his room, but as friends.
No discussion, just presented to me and my daughter as a fait accompli.
My daughter and I are not happy, she's a complete stranger and Ray works away during the week so we would be here alone with her. Apparently according to Ray she has a lot of 'issues' and is going to find it very difficult finding a place a living on her own as she's not a 'coper'.
We've told my partner we don't want it because she sounds like a user and hasn't wanted to meet us before. Plus there's no room for her car and I work from home.
My partner is now embarrassed as we've messaged on our home group chat to the effect that we are not happy about this decision and he is saying in that case no one can stay, not even my daughter's boyfriend, nor any of my friends, ever, not even for one night.
We've been happy to have other friends of Ray's stay the odd night before, guys we have known.
Am I being unreasonable thinking this is an unfair request? We did say one or two nights would be ok but then she'd need to have concrete plans.

OP posts:
Crazybaby123 · 19/02/2025 19:49

I came to say you and daughter should look to remkve yourselves from DP+Ray+randomfreeloadermentalwoman and be free from their crap.

Jack80 · 19/02/2025 20:12

I would say she can stay when he is there unfortunately not when he isn't and maybe he can move out and they can house share.

LumpyandBumps · 19/02/2025 20:14

OP please take some legal advice.
I am a landlord, and don’t claim to be any sort of expert but you can’t make assumptions about your tenancy.
If you and your partner are joint tenants then neither of you can just walk away from your obligations.
There is no mechanism in law for removing a person from a Tenancy Agreement.
What has to happen is that the existing tenancy has to be ended. Either one of you can do that.
This means that even if your partner agreed to leave he could give due notice to the landlord and terminate the whole tenancy.
The landlord may be willing to make a new agreement with you and your daughter, and I hope for your sake he is, but it is not an automatic process and there are no guarantees.
Similarly if you and your daughter decide to leave you would need to terminate your current tenancy, and your partner would need to negotiate with the landlord.
All of the above assumes that you are out of any fixed period in your tenancy. It may not be possible to terminate at all if you are still within a fixed period.

RaveToTheGrave1 · 19/02/2025 20:22

I think Ray needs to bugger off, sounds like a bit of a weirdy!

Mayana1 · 19/02/2025 20:31

TrickySituation22 · 18/02/2025 01:46

Ilovecakey no it's MY partner who's saying that if Ray can have this woman to stay then me and my daughter can't have anyone either!

Who's is the house?

carly2803 · 19/02/2025 20:46

Nope
I also would be giving ray his notice to find somewhere else! He is overstepping and its time he went!

Dogsbreath7 · 19/02/2025 21:59

Please update that you have safely moved them out. Good on you for revaluting the relationship.

MixedBananas · 19/02/2025 22:02

Boot him out he sounds horrid.
Ir if you cant do that tell him rent will be double and bills are doubled.

Glamiss · 19/02/2025 22:14

"haven't learned your lessons" wow, that's whole insight in itself. Yes please do update when you can x

Horses7 · 19/02/2025 22:24

You’ve made the right decision - hope it all works out and they leave soon

Lyraloo · 19/02/2025 22:34

TrickySituation22 · 18/02/2025 01:46

Ilovecakey no it's MY partner who's saying that if Ray can have this woman to stay then me and my daughter can't have anyone either!

Wow, you need to be reevaluating your relationship. Who does your partner think he’s talking to? He’s treating you like a child and behaving like one himself! How dare he tell you who you can and cannot having staying in your home, because of a friend!

T1Dmama · 19/02/2025 22:36

Bobbingtons · 19/02/2025 19:31

It gets even trickier if his contribution is more than 625 a month. As it's not a HMO and he is contributing as a lodger more than that amount you have to be filling in an tax return every year with full lodger income and quite complicated expenses. The fact that your daughter is already paying and not on the lease makes me suspect you are committing tax fraud right now even without this headache!

With way it's a recipe for disaster. Ray is clearly looking to sexually exploit a vulnerable woman who isn't interested in him. She clearly had issues and you'll be stuck with her long term. Combine this with his clear sexual interest and incel like behaviour and I can promise you loving the will be hellish for you all unless you happen to live in a mansion and can exile them to a far off wing!

Show quote history

Op has clearly stated the lease IS in hers AND her DP’s name!…..

drspouse · 19/02/2025 22:36

Glad you've made that decision, hope it goes smoothly.

Original poster
TrickySituation22 · 19/02/2025 22:50

Update: I've told him it's over, all he said was 'ok' and now he's putting personal insults on the group chat about me.
God I'm so over him already!

OP posts:
Wsxx · 19/02/2025 23:11

Screen shot them.
They can be shown to the landlord and the police if he gets nasty.

Keep screen shotting everything.
Twat.

HeadacheEarthquake · 19/02/2025 23:19

TrickySituation22 · 19/02/2025 22:50

Update: I've told him it's over, all he said was 'ok' and now he's putting personal insults on the group chat about me.
God I'm so over him already!

Screenshot them. What a princess among men. Good riddance 👏

AutumnCrow2 · 19/02/2025 23:20

TrickySituation22 · 19/02/2025 22:50

Update: I've told him it's over, all he said was 'ok' and now he's putting personal insults on the group chat about me.
God I'm so over him already!

I hope you're doing OK. What a twat he is. Flowers

LaughingCat · 19/02/2025 23:23

TrickySituation22 · 19/02/2025 22:50

Update: I've told him it's over, all he said was 'ok' and now he's putting personal insults on the group chat about me.
God I'm so over him already!

Sounds a peach. Congratulations! Looks like life is going to get infinitely better for you from here on out. Thank goodness for Ray’s weird ‘friend’.

NigellaAwesome · 19/02/2025 23:34

I would get the landlord on board as soon as possible and give them a heads up that you are hoping they will move out and his intention to create an unlicensed HMO. Can you afford the rent between just you and dd?

ViciousCurrentBun · 19/02/2025 23:35

Well done op, him and his creepy mate sound terrible.

Bigcat25 · 19/02/2025 23:37

You get a say over full time residents of your house. That doesn't make you controlling or jealous! It's definitely an "all yes, no no's" situation. It's besides the point, but it was already pretty laid back of you to live with his friend in the first place.

I bet you do a lot for him around the house and he'll regret this soon when all three of them have nobody look after things and he's stuck paying this new girl's rent.

Lobelia123 · 20/02/2025 08:19

The only good thing from his absolutely shitty response is that it shows you you have made the right decision. All the best OP! You sound absolutely lovely and Im sure there is a world of happiness and adventure out there waiting for you x

Crumpleton · 20/02/2025 08:30

He's a bit....silly.
Writing personal insults against you only adds to him being the idiot he is and warrants why you want to end the relationship and be rid of him.

user1471538283 · 20/02/2025 10:40

He might just be a pathetic man who thinks he can hurl insults and he and his mate will go quietly. Or it might erupt.

When he said you haven't learnt your lessons I laughed. But he clearly thinks he's in the right.

sugarrosepetal · 20/02/2025 10:59

Well done OP. Stick to your guns. He doesn't respect you, your daughter or your boundaries. I'd possibly let the landlord know the situation as they may be able to bolster your decision to boot both males out.