Unwanted potential guest...please help!

[TrickySituation22]

Me and my partner live with my adult daughter. We let our spare room to my partner's longstanding mate who is single, but always hoping for a girlfriend, he's late 30's now, let's call him Ray.
Ray is fine but sometimes give me the ick when he's overtly sexual and crude over his comments about women on TV etc.
He met a woman a few years ago who had been with her partner for 10+ years, and he struck up a friendship with her. However we have never met her as she refused all invitations to our home or to meet up elsewhere. She also used Ray for lifts to the airport when holidaying with friends, for work done to her car and for meals out etc, he paid for everything. He did all this in the hope of getting closer to her (basically he said he wanted to have sex with her) despite the fact that she was with a partner and kept Ray strictly in the friendzone.
Today my partner has announced that Ray has called him and this woman has now split up with her long-standing boyfriend and has nowhere to go and will be coming to live with us until she can find somewhere. Ray says she will be sleeping in his room, but as friends.
No discussion, just presented to me and my daughter as a fait accompli.
My daughter and I are not happy, she's a complete stranger and Ray works away during the week so we would be here alone with her. Apparently according to Ray she has a lot of 'issues' and is going to find it very difficult finding a place a living on her own as she's not a 'coper'.
We've told my partner we don't want it because she sounds like a user and hasn't wanted to meet us before. Plus there's no room for her car and I work from home.
My partner is now embarrassed as we've messaged on our home group chat to the effect that we are not happy about this decision and he is saying in that case no one can stay, not even my daughter's boyfriend, nor any of my friends, ever, not even for one night.
We've been happy to have other friends of Ray's stay the odd night before, guys we have known.
Am I being unreasonable thinking this is an unfair request? We did say one or two nights would be ok but then she'd need to have concrete plans.

Well done OP!!!! Let us know when you have kicked them out!

Excellent news! Ex DP, pervy Ray and random woman can sail off into the sunset together.

Perfect xx

Good call op

What a dumbass your ex partner is, issuing threats and ultimatums in a situation where he has no leverage whatsoever

He really thinks that just because he's a man you will obey him 🤣🤣🤣
Instead you are now (metaphorically) wearing his balls for earrings.

Will he become abusive when asked to leave? Is your landlord on side?

Very wise decision OP
Wishing you well.

Please stay safe when you ask him to leave. Do you have the landlord on side?

Well done on being so decisive in a truck situation. Sounds like you have learned some very important 'lessons' from his behaviour, such as the value of saying goodbye to someone who talks to you like that!

*tricky

Are they likely to just up and leave.
Will your DP insist as he's on the tenancy that he has as much right as you to live there?

It's a shame you and your DD couldn't find a place of your own to rent.
I'd wouldn't mention anything to the DP and arrange to have my name removed from the tenancy agreement, which is very important that you do, and just walked out one day and never returned.

If he doesn't have to discuss important matter with you he can expect the same treatment in return.

I can't help but think you might need to be careful here op.
This is a man who thinks he's the boss because he's the man, ie a not particularly bright 'me Tarzan you Jane' type. In his mind you have humiliated him (by not obeying him) in front of another man, he is likely to be looking for a way to punish you so that he can restore himself to his 'rightful' position as the boss of you.
Plus his name is on the tenancy, he has a right to be there, he's unlikely to meekly go because you tell him to.

I’m another person wondering whether they’ll go easily? Presumably they’ll have to find another place to rent, which isn’t easy. Would Ray be able to take on a tenancy or does he have bad credit history, for example. I’m guessing that there’s a reason why he’s lodging rather than a tenant.

I think that you and your DD should quietly start looking for a new home, because it may be easier for you both to leave.

"My daughter and I will remain in the house and the two males can go."

How will you enforce this if he is also on the tenancy agreement?

(But well done for ditching him, it does not sound like a pleasant situation)

That's quite the update.
What I would do is take some meter readings and submit them to the utilities and at the same time get the bills put into your name only (if he happens to be on the bills). This is to prevent him playing silly beggars about the utilities by say getting them put into his name and then he leaves.

Next, I'd contact the landlord about getting the men moved out and that you're taking over the tenancy alone and get some support if there is any available there.

Only when I'd be sure that there wasn't any avenue that he could exploit (in order for you to 'learn your lesson' - that's scary that blokes think it's acceptable to use phrases like that or even to be thinking like that) would I break up with him and get him out of the house.

In the meantime, I'd be telling Ray that he can no longer stay there and he must find somewhere else to stay with his 'friend'.

Oh how I have just laughed at the idea that the police will help get rid of an unofficial lodger. Have you ever tried it?

Yes op, have you got a plan on how to remove arsehole and arsehole?

Have you spoken to the landlord ? Can you afford the house on your own ?

Thanks everyone for the very practical advice. I'll update in a few days x

No wonder! There are some strange people around, Unreasonable, selfish and often barmy, with no interest in others' views.

No. No way.

Many years ago I took in a lodger (granted he seemed a bit odd - he did like to play the didgeridoo (And no, that's not a euphemism - he really did play one!))

He asked if his girlfriend could stay occasionally - before I knew it, she'd virtually moved in and was using gallons of hot water.

He had to go.

If your houses is rented in both your names, you've not told him you're going to break up with him, you've decided he will move out and you will stay, how do you think he will take that news?!

Go with your gut

Maybe that poster is in the US. During my Judge Judy phase it seemed the cops were constantly attending to oversee people moving accrimoniously out of cribs.

It gets even trickier if his contribution is more than 625 a month. As it's not a HMO and he is contributing as a lodger more than that amount you have to be filling in an tax return every year with full lodger income and quite complicated expenses. The fact that your daughter is already paying and not on the lease makes me suspect you are committing tax fraud right now even without this headache!

With way it's a recipe for disaster. Ray is clearly looking to sexually exploit a vulnerable woman who isn't interested in him. She clearly had issues and you'll be stuck with her long term. Combine this with his clear sexual interest and incel like behaviour and I can promise you loving the will be hellish for you all unless you happen to live in a mansion and can exile them to a far off wing!