Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ask DH to not go on holiday with female friend.

335 replies

Freelll · 17/02/2025 21:44

My DH & DS have gone on holiday with DS’s friend and his mother several times in the past. They all share an interest in basketball and travel to the US to watch NBA games.

This year, despite booking tickets, the children have decided they want to travel with the friend’s father instead - the friends parents are divorced. However, my DH & this woman, are still planning to travel to the US together, as the tickets have already been paid for.

I don’t want him to go on holiday with just her; I have never been 100% comfortable with these trips but decided to keep my mouth shut because I’ve gone on holiday with male friends in the past, which my husband was unhappy about. I regret being so blood minded at the time.

Is it reasonable to ask him not to go?

OP posts:
AviationGeek · 18/02/2025 14:55

HeyDrake · 18/02/2025 09:03

All of these comments are mental. If he wants to cheat, he would cheat. Could be with someone at work, or a woman at the gym or a waitress or anyone. I bet this other woman, who has committed the ultimate crime in the eyes of married women by actually divorcing, finds your husband repellent. As I find 90% of my friend's husbands.

and what about the 10% you don't find repellent? OPs husband might be in that bucket for this woman.

SigmaStarFlower · 18/02/2025 15:28

If I were you, I would have an honest conversation with your husband about how you feel. If you go along with it, without voicing how you feel as you did when he went with your son, his friend and their mother; your husband and her might plan more trips together when they return from this one. You are in a stronger position now and it will be too late to say anything after the trip! What’s the worst that can happen by speaking up. He needs telling how you feel about this. Xx

Butchyrestingface · 18/02/2025 15:40

Freelll · 18/02/2025 13:52

My holidays were years ago, not when we had children. Also, they were mates, nothing more and nothing else.

Well, it seems like your husband has a loooong memory.

Also, he and and this woman are presumably 'mates, nothing more and nothing less' too. So you should be flying the bunting for him.

Gogogo12345 · 18/02/2025 16:56

Alaimo · 18/02/2025 13:18

I'm surprised you have time to post here in between all the shagging and emotional cheating that you two are obviously doing.

Show quote history

Lol it would be like shagging my brother. No thx

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 18/02/2025 17:06

I'm not a masochist so it 100% would not be happening.

Cottonplease · 18/02/2025 17:13

SouthLondonMum22 · 17/02/2025 23:22

Right. Because she's split with her husband, it means she'll want to shag any man that moves. 🙄

Show quote history

Exactly!😄

MsBette · 18/02/2025 17:18

Freelll · 18/02/2025 13:52

My holidays were years ago, not when we had children. Also, they were mates, nothing more and nothing else.

Presumably he'd say the same, they're just friends.

You went on holiday, albeit years ago, with male friends whilst your husband was unhappy about it.

No surprise he's doing the same. I think you need to sit down together and agree what is and isn't acceptable in your relationship.

latetothefisting · 18/02/2025 18:05

How old is your DS?
Did you pay for his ticket?
If so, I don't think he should just be allowed to decide he's going with someone else - tell him he can see his friends at the game and hang out with them while theyre on holiday but hes travelling with/staying with his dad. If not he doesn't go at all and you take his ticket.
Does the ex-h even want to be responsible for your DS, whom I assume he doesn't know well?

Dervel · 18/02/2025 18:21

Freelll · 18/02/2025 13:52

My holidays were years ago, not when we had children. Also, they were mates, nothing more and nothing else.

I will try to say this as gently as I can, but you don’t get to set objective line for where this does or doesn’t become acceptable. Mainly because there isn’t one, as you’ll note from this thread that is a fair amount of dissent.

The stark fact is it went over that line for your husbands emotional comfort back when you did it, and you prioritised getting your fun in over his feelings. As it stands he’s not quite done the same thing (yet!) in that you have yet to share with him how this is making you feel. So he could in all innocence think well the trip away you took turned out perfectly fine and this is no different!

I think suddenly expecting him to toe your new moral line on the subject is absurd. All you can really do, and I really think that you should is simply confess how this is making you feel. I’d even go on to include how you now appreciate how it must have made him feel back when the shoe was on the other foot. You then have to hope he is willing to prioritise how you feel about this more than you did. However I’d steel yourself for the possibility that from his side pov you expected him to trust you, he may feel entitled to the same level of you trusting him. I’m pretty sure that was probably the thrust of your argument for you being able to go when it was you.

For the record I’m not particularly for or against the principle of two platonic opposite sex friends so I’m not judging you on that point. I could name a handful of friends of the opposite sex I could vacation with and I could guarantee you nothing would happen, but I would be unlikely to do it unless I had a very understanding partner. I hope you find the right balance here and it all works out.

ritasuebobtoo · 18/02/2025 18:24

No no no no no. No. Absolutely not. 🤷‍♀️

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 18/02/2025 19:24

Totally agree @KimberleyClark ,

Doesn't matter if half the population is fine with it, if OP doesn't feel comfortable, then they should at least discuss it.
She's muddied the water by he previous choices, but can still have the conversation.

No point waving them off with a fake smile and spend the two weeks being miserable and resentful.

Main thing is to marry someone you share the same view with, otherwise there'll be resentment from one or the other.

Great if people haven't shagged their holiday friends, not everyone cheats.
They could be shagging a different friend though or wishing to.

Some people are the jealous or insecure type, but the secure and trusting ones get cheated on too.
Being insecure or jealous can be a natural trait or come about from previous experience.

How many posts on here about a cheating partner who was:
Trustworthy,
The best man ever,
Wouldn't hurt a fly,
Doesn't believe in divorce,
Would never do that to me/thr kids, etc.

It's one thing to be trustworthy, but we're all human and sometimes temptation is too great for some.

OP is being honest with her feelings, we're not all the same.

PondWarrior · 18/02/2025 19:40

Freelll · 18/02/2025 13:52

My holidays were years ago, not when we had children. Also, they were mates, nothing more and nothing else.

Sorry, I can’t see how it’s any different…

SouthLondonMum22 · 18/02/2025 20:03

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 18/02/2025 19:24

Totally agree @KimberleyClark ,

Doesn't matter if half the population is fine with it, if OP doesn't feel comfortable, then they should at least discuss it.
She's muddied the water by he previous choices, but can still have the conversation.

No point waving them off with a fake smile and spend the two weeks being miserable and resentful.

Main thing is to marry someone you share the same view with, otherwise there'll be resentment from one or the other.

Great if people haven't shagged their holiday friends, not everyone cheats.
They could be shagging a different friend though or wishing to.

Some people are the jealous or insecure type, but the secure and trusting ones get cheated on too.
Being insecure or jealous can be a natural trait or come about from previous experience.

How many posts on here about a cheating partner who was:
Trustworthy,
The best man ever,
Wouldn't hurt a fly,
Doesn't believe in divorce,
Would never do that to me/thr kids, etc.

It's one thing to be trustworthy, but we're all human and sometimes temptation is too great for some.

OP is being honest with her feelings, we're not all the same.

Those who are going to cheat will cheat. They wouldn't need a holiday to do it.

The vast majority of posts on here about a cheating partner don't involve him going on holiday with a woman.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 18/02/2025 21:01

SouthLondonMum22 · 18/02/2025 20:03

Those who are going to cheat will cheat. They wouldn't need a holiday to do it.

The vast majority of posts on here about a cheating partner don't involve him going on holiday with a woman.

Show quote history

Agree, but when temptation is thrown in, some will falter.

There are very few people who can honestly say they've never given in to temptation, not necessarily cheating, but we're human.

There are people who've had someone come on to them unexpectedly, caught off guard and either stopped it straight away, gone along but instantly regretted it never to be repeated or carried on to a full blown affair.

I also believe circumstances can increase the chance, someone missing home, needing a shoulder to cry on, alcohol etc.

Main thing is OP is uncomfortable and has to voice those fears.

SouthLondonMum22 · 18/02/2025 21:14

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 18/02/2025 21:01

Agree, but when temptation is thrown in, some will falter.

There are very few people who can honestly say they've never given in to temptation, not necessarily cheating, but we're human.

There are people who've had someone come on to them unexpectedly, caught off guard and either stopped it straight away, gone along but instantly regretted it never to be repeated or carried on to a full blown affair.

I also believe circumstances can increase the chance, someone missing home, needing a shoulder to cry on, alcohol etc.

Main thing is OP is uncomfortable and has to voice those fears.

Show quote history

If they are just friends, there is no temptation.
If they aren't just friends, well it is already too late.

It really isn't hard to not cheat on your partner.

Of course OP should voice it if she wants to but she does need to be prepared for DH to say ''Well it was ok when you went off with your guy friend'' and call out how hypocritical she's been.

SigmaStarFlower · 18/02/2025 21:17

Dervel · 18/02/2025 18:21

I will try to say this as gently as I can, but you don’t get to set objective line for where this does or doesn’t become acceptable. Mainly because there isn’t one, as you’ll note from this thread that is a fair amount of dissent.

The stark fact is it went over that line for your husbands emotional comfort back when you did it, and you prioritised getting your fun in over his feelings. As it stands he’s not quite done the same thing (yet!) in that you have yet to share with him how this is making you feel. So he could in all innocence think well the trip away you took turned out perfectly fine and this is no different!

I think suddenly expecting him to toe your new moral line on the subject is absurd. All you can really do, and I really think that you should is simply confess how this is making you feel. I’d even go on to include how you now appreciate how it must have made him feel back when the shoe was on the other foot. You then have to hope he is willing to prioritise how you feel about this more than you did. However I’d steel yourself for the possibility that from his side pov you expected him to trust you, he may feel entitled to the same level of you trusting him. I’m pretty sure that was probably the thrust of your argument for you being able to go when it was you.

For the record I’m not particularly for or against the principle of two platonic opposite sex friends so I’m not judging you on that point. I could name a handful of friends of the opposite sex I could vacation with and I could guarantee you nothing would happen, but I would be unlikely to do it unless I had a very understanding partner. I hope you find the right balance here and it all works out.

Show quote history

OP explained that she went on holiday with a male friend before her and her husband had children which must have been a very long time ago. Additionally one assumes OP’s male friend was someone she knew before she married her husband. Therefore that doesn’t set the scene for what’s going on in their lives now with her conundrum about this divorced woman and her husband going on holiday together.

ArtTheClown · 18/02/2025 21:24

Those who are going to cheat will cheat. They wouldn't need a holiday to do it

It's not just about that, though. I think that in any romantic relationship, there are certain intimacies reserved for that relationship. Sex, yes, obviously, but who would be happy at their spouse or partner for instance holding hands with another woman? Or sharing a bed?

For me, as I suspect for many people, couple-type holidays would be within that sphere of intimacy.

Butterfly292828 · 18/02/2025 21:25

SouthLondonMum22 · 18/02/2025 00:00

The same planet where it was perfectly fine for OP to go on holiday with another man?

Show quote history

But it wasn’t perfectly fine, the husband didn’t like the fact his wife went away with other male friends, sounds like she went away regardless

SouthLondonMum22 · 18/02/2025 21:57

ArtTheClown · 18/02/2025 21:24

Those who are going to cheat will cheat. They wouldn't need a holiday to do it

It's not just about that, though. I think that in any romantic relationship, there are certain intimacies reserved for that relationship. Sex, yes, obviously, but who would be happy at their spouse or partner for instance holding hands with another woman? Or sharing a bed?

For me, as I suspect for many people, couple-type holidays would be within that sphere of intimacy.

Friends go on holiday together. It doesn't suddenly become intimate just because the friends are male and female.

SouthLondonMum22 · 18/02/2025 21:59

Butterfly292828 · 18/02/2025 21:25

But it wasn’t perfectly fine, the husband didn’t like the fact his wife went away with other male friends, sounds like she went away regardless

Show quote history

It was perfectly fine according to OP when she did it. She just doesn't like it now that DH wants to do it.

ArtTheClown · 18/02/2025 22:06

Friends go on holiday together. It doesn't suddenly become intimate just because the friends are male and female.

We've all got different relationship boundaries, I think. As long as both people in the relationship feel the same about them, there's no right or wrong. But many people would find that a scenario that they wouldn't be comfortable with.

SouthLondonMum22 · 18/02/2025 22:09

ArtTheClown · 18/02/2025 22:06

Friends go on holiday together. It doesn't suddenly become intimate just because the friends are male and female.

We've all got different relationship boundaries, I think. As long as both people in the relationship feel the same about them, there's no right or wrong. But many people would find that a scenario that they wouldn't be comfortable with.

That's true.

I wouldn't be with someone who thought they had a say in who I went on holiday with.

ArtTheClown · 18/02/2025 22:15

I wouldn't be with someone who thought they had a say in who I went on holiday with.

It's not like that though, if you've both got the same boundaries. It's just something neither of us would do. We've literally never had a disagreement about it or told each other not to do something.

Nonrienderien · 18/02/2025 22:16

ArtTheClown · 18/02/2025 22:06

Friends go on holiday together. It doesn't suddenly become intimate just because the friends are male and female.

We've all got different relationship boundaries, I think. As long as both people in the relationship feel the same about them, there's no right or wrong. But many people would find that a scenario that they wouldn't be comfortable with.

Perhaps OP could help her husbands friend with her packing. At least she would be contributing to the holiday by helping her to remove the stress of knowing which outfits to bring. She could also offer them a lift to the airport to make sure they caught their flight in time.😂

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 18/02/2025 22:24

@SouthLondonMum22
If they are just friends, there is no temptation.

You don't know anyone who dated or married a friend?

Just at the top of my head, I know 3 couples.
One didn't cheat but dated his Ex's good friend whom he knew through her.

One cheated with her best friend's husband and maried each other. The cheating couple were together for 32yrs till his death.

The other was friends with a lady I worked with. Everyone but her could see he fancied her. The minute she broke up with her bf, he pounced. Didn't last and the friendship ended too. He was playing the long game just to date her.

Totally agree with OP not having a leg to stand on, but hopefully they can get on the same page.

Swipe left for the next trending thread