Partner changed their mind on cohabitation agreement

[NeatBiscuit]

My partner and I have been living together for 1.5 years. Prior to moving in together, we agreed to have a cohabitation agreement drafted by a lawyer because of our disparity in assets. While the agreement has been drafted, it has not been signed yet and it is therefore not legally binding.

I have politely and periodically reminded my partner about the agreement throughout the course of living with her. I told her that I would not "take the next step" with her in our relationship until we officialize the agreement. This is in terms of buying a home, getting married, having children, etc.

On Valentine's Day, we tried to be intimate together. The intimacy stopped when I wanted to use a condom. I wanted to use one because she is off birth control due to IVF/egg retrieval. Although the risk of pregancy is low due to ovulation cycles, it is still a possibility. Since then, she has reflected on that moment and has been thoroughly upset at me. She was upset that my decision for wanting to use a condom was driven by the unsigned agreement.

She told me that I put finances ahead of everything else. She also said that she has been working on reading the agreement and contacting her lawyer about it. While she has been doing that, I don't know where she stands with the terms in the agreement because we have yet to discuss it together.

Last night and while she was upset, she told me that she won't be signing it anymore. She said that she initially wanted to sign one as a "gift" to me but now thinks I don't trust her.

I feel mislead and betrayed. I wouldn't have moved in with her if she told me that from the start. Also, I've been extremely patient with her all this time. I was never pushy about the subject. I only brought it up when it came to the big, life altering decisions.

This relationship is a car crash. You need to break up. You were right to wear a condom.

Love..? Fun? Friendship? Support? Attraction?Shared interests and values?

This relationship is a non starter.

Your sentiments go against the very purpose of marriage. Marriage was created to provide women and children with security. Women are still more likely to make more career sacrifices than men in raising their children and, when parents separate, they are more likely to be the main carer. So, the age-old truth that mothers are more vulnerable than fathers and deserve the protections that marriage affords remains true. If you go into a marriage with one eye on protecting you as an individual then you don’t mean the vows you are making. And that means you don’t deserve to be with her because she deserves to be treated like an equal partner in a shared life together, not as a temporary fixture to bare your children.

If your relatively short relationship has been so difficult, why do you think you’re compatible enough to get married and have children? It doesn’t sound like you are.

If you were to move out, would that essentially mean the end of your relationship? And is that really a bad thing? Or could you move out and get the space you need to really reconsider your relationship and where it should go?

If you go ahead with your relationship and this agreement, your agreement is unfair in the event of children. Your partner needs to get her own lawyer to help her negotiate for (1) your living circumstances now, whilst unmarried and with no children (will assume no children before marriage), (2) finances together after marriage, (3) life upon and after pregnancy/children, (4) the event of divorce with no children or with all children above a certain age (e.g. 18), and (5) the event of divorce with children under 18 or some other similar age.

God this sounds like the most joyless relationship ever. Just split up and put yourselves out of your misery.

Honestly, you’re only bothered by this as you know as well as we do, this is going nowhere.

Move on.

‘During that time’. You are so naïve. The vast majority of women take a lifelong hit in their earning potential by having children. It’s not just maternity leave, or even the knock-on impact of going part time for several years. It’s being the one who drops everything for sickness and medical appointments. That stunts promotion opportunities. I don’t know a single family where these responsibilities are shared evenly, because then you will both take a negative career hit. You are as naïve as you are heartless.

The cynic in me thinks she was hoping you’d forget about the cohabitation agreement, or you’d get swept up in romance and decide not to proceed with it. She’s throwing her toys out the pram now because you are asking her to adhere to the original plan.

Presumably she’s having her eggs frozen because she doesn’t trust him.

Why are you, a Canadian man, posting on Mumsnet about this?

Yes, why? The law is quite different surely.

I couldn't imagine wanting to marry someone - to spend the rest of my life with them - and not want to share everything I have with them. For better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer.

The only circumstance I would ever sign a prenup is if I was marrying someone who had existing children and they wanted to somehow ring fence assets for those children.

Otherwise, I would want my new partner to share everything they have with me, and me with them, regardless of who brings the most to the table.

If you can't imagine that, I don't think you should marry and definitely shouldn't have children.

This is supposed to be the fun, honeymoon stage of a relationship, and you are already fratching. Move out and end it already.

Pre-nups and post-nups too.

This is..... weird. Are you properly minted?

Regardless of any agreement I would automatically end a relationship of any nature where either party doesn’t respect the choice of a condom being used by the other party. That’s a basic violation. Can you imagine what would be said if it were a man becoming upset over a condom being used?

Cut ties and don’t look back. I can’t see as from what you’ve said that you would regret it. She’s gone back on her word with regards to the agreement and wants you to engage in unprotected sex which you’ve explicitly expressed that you’re not happy with then to emotionally blackmail you because of it is actually sexual abuse and emotional abuse. You can do better.

you need to end the relationship. This is not working. You cannot create s contract to force her to stay married. Sorry, incentivise.

Clearly not. They are renting.

Yes, this is the official advice,

OP has already said its a deal breaker if she doesn't sign, so we're talking about his proposed agreement, which isn't fair, if he's not willing to trust her, he can't expect her to trust him saying he will help out financially in the event of them having a baby. The agreement needs to be fair to both.

Having said that, I agree, the relationship is a mess and they should separate.

She's right though. He thinks more of money than anything else.

We all go out the same way dude. Unclench a bit.

Yes. I’ve never lived off a partner, and wouldn’t want to. I’ve always paid my way. But I can see where things would change if I had a child to care for and needed to cut down on work. And I wouldn’t anyway want to live with someone who felt a need to protect his money or property from me.

Honestly most won’t understand you co habitation agreement as it’s not a thing here in the uk .

but putting all that aside . I think you were right to use a condom . It doesn’t sound very stable ..

it also sounds like you want different things .. I wouldn’t want to be with someone I couldn’t even discuss money with .

The comment that stood out the most was I don’t want to give her a reason to divorce me .. before marriage that’s a low expectation.

Not with a ante-nuptual or post-nuptual agreement, you aren't. They don't automatically bind a judge in England & Wales on divorce, but they have a significant influence.

You've been together 1.5 years, a tumultuous time , therapy for a year together and all this agg.
It doesn't sound "right" OP.
Find someone who brings out the best, most generous, most loving bit of you. This isn't it.

So you've split 3 times, and been in therapy

Why are you together?