Partner changed their mind on cohabitation agreement

[NeatBiscuit]

My partner and I have been living together for 1.5 years. Prior to moving in together, we agreed to have a cohabitation agreement drafted by a lawyer because of our disparity in assets. While the agreement has been drafted, it has not been signed yet and it is therefore not legally binding.

I have politely and periodically reminded my partner about the agreement throughout the course of living with her. I told her that I would not "take the next step" with her in our relationship until we officialize the agreement. This is in terms of buying a home, getting married, having children, etc.

On Valentine's Day, we tried to be intimate together. The intimacy stopped when I wanted to use a condom. I wanted to use one because she is off birth control due to IVF/egg retrieval. Although the risk of pregancy is low due to ovulation cycles, it is still a possibility. Since then, she has reflected on that moment and has been thoroughly upset at me. She was upset that my decision for wanting to use a condom was driven by the unsigned agreement.

She told me that I put finances ahead of everything else. She also said that she has been working on reading the agreement and contacting her lawyer about it. While she has been doing that, I don't know where she stands with the terms in the agreement because we have yet to discuss it together.

Last night and while she was upset, she told me that she won't be signing it anymore. She said that she initially wanted to sign one as a "gift" to me but now thinks I don't trust her.

I feel mislead and betrayed. I wouldn't have moved in with her if she told me that from the start. Also, I've been extremely patient with her all this time. I was never pushy about the subject. I only brought it up when it came to the big, life altering decisions.

How long have you been going out? Not sure if you are a match if you've been in therapy and she's dumped you 3 times.

This all just seems a bit OTT - having a cohabitation agreement / prenup when you haven't been going out that long, you're renting and you both earn similar salaries. Genuinely why do you need one? Do you have a rich family?

Dating and early stage cohabitation is all about learning if you have the basis of a long term relationship and, crucially, if you have a similar set of values.

I certainly wouldn't be signing anything like that.

When my DH and I got together we earned fairly similar salaries. We moved in together and got a joint account that we used for bills - we both put the same amount in, had separate finances - I think this is normal.
We got married after about 4 years and shared finances.
18 months later we had DC1. During my first maternity, DH got a big promotion at work - he now earnt double what I did. He then moves companies, earning more money (all facilitated by me as I do the vast majority of childcare / house stuff). We have DC2. I go part time, then I am made redundant - so my DH is sole earner.
I go back to work about 2 years later on a lower salary - my DH earns 4x what I do. I am still doing the vast amount of childcare / household management - and all the pervasive time / headspace that entails, whilst his career advances. We've been together 20 years, married for 15 years

Do you see how your contract - particularly if your career wages diverge - is completely unfair?

Stop messing her around and either marry her and start a family or move on.

I simply want a stable, loving and peaceful relationship while knowing that if we grow apart and separate, I can still retire at a modest age. I don't want the devastation of losing my partner/family, financial assets, and be forced to work longer.

And where is her financial protection when you dump her and ride off with a woman twenty Yeats younger than you in ten years time?

Honestly, this is mind boggling... You apparently want to marry her, but don't want the unconditional "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health" part... so what is the point of marrying?

I suspect that, deep down, the only reason you're so worried about protecting yourself in the event of a split is because you're expecting a split due to incompatibility. If this woman is truly the woman for you, pooling your assets, trusting each other and becoming true life partners wouldn't be an issue.

There are red flags and communication issues from both sides. I don't think this is the relationship for you.

And the difference in advice given when a woman posts the same information is striking

And they say romance is dead. Enjoy your money.

This

You didn't want to take the relationship to the next level yet you still agreed to live with her and try for a baby before the agreement was signed? What other levels in the relationship are left?

First off I bet you're a software engineer or something similar. Every single one I know is like this, inflicting all sorts of hardships on their wives, girlfriends and even children to ensure it's "fair" (for them).

Except they are not a piece of code or a spreadsheet and they eventually tire of being treated like one. As yours now is

I could understand why you want one in place as in Canada after one year of cohabitation you are liable for spousal support if your incomes are unequal on separation. However, currently she earns more then you so the only reason you want one so badly is because you forsee your own earnings greatly increasing or hers decreasing. And the most likely reason for this is her bearing and raising your child, both loss of income with on leave and lose of career progression thereafter even if you both take leave. Or you don't really trust or love her and knowing in your heart you will separate and are planning for it.

The agreement itself is perfectly fine for all pre and non-martial assets. But, it is not ok to demand that income earned during the marriage is kept separate and individual, especially when children come into the picture. I'd be extremely surprised if a judge would sign off on it or uphold it in the event of a separation or divorce if it left one party greatly disadvantaged compared to the other.

And using a condom when going through IVF is bizarre.

@Chilliloungerprenups aren’t legally binding in the UK but they are vastly followed so long as both parties got independent legal advice, there was no coercion and it appears ‘fair’ to a court.

For example, my prenup states that if we divorce I get the value of 30% of the home as my husband paid for it in entirety but without that I could not afford my own property in our area. More than fair.

It also has to address eventualities - if we have kids I am owed child maintenance until they are 21 or for life if they are severely disabled.

The prenup would slowly be considered less admissible the longer our marriage went on and after major life events like each baby and retirement. As such a prenup should be reconsidered and modified after these events and every 5-10 years to be honored by a court.

But OP, why did you move in with her before the agreement was signed? You are congratulating yourself on being 'patient' but it makes no sense to take the first step and then wait patiently if getting it signed means this much to you.
It doesn't seem that your girlfriend really wants to sign it at all. And she's upset that you are so keen on it.
Time to reconsider your whole relationship; you don't seem to be on the same page.

It would be long first post if I included more information and it is easy to form a conclusion without knowing the complete picture. However, we have had a tumultuous year while living together with both highs and extreme lows. We have also been in therapy for the majority of the year. She even broke up with me three times while living together

This relationship is going nowhere.
You shouldn't have moved in if she hadn't signed the cohabitation agreement because it's a dealbreaker for you.

If you intend to marry and have children everything you accumulate from that point on should be considered joint and split fairly in the event of a divorce. This is to protect a parent who might take a hit to their earnings due to raising children. I think it's fair enough to establish that someone had 400K in assets before the marriage and the other had 800K and that this should be taken into account in the event of a divorce. But once you marry you are a team and you are working together for the family.

I think you should move out and live separately and then decide whether you want to stay together and under what conditions. The whole thing sounds dysfunctional. She's having egg retrieval yet you don't seem ready for marriage and children yet. She won't sign the cohabitation agreement but you are living with her anyway. You have been having extreme highs and lows and you have been having therapy for most of the year and she's broken up with you three times.
It's dead in the water. The best thing to do is to end this now and let both of you find partners who are on the same page as you.

Not strictly true if they’re properly drawn up and executed by a solicitor. In the event of divorce it would be up to the judge to decide whether the terms are fair and equitable to both parties and cater for any children born since the agreement was drawn up. The courts would also expect the agreement to be updated every few years to take account of any changes.

OP has admitted it doesn’t provide for children, says they’ve been in therapy as a couple, and is clearly miffed that his partner hasn’t yet signed it because they have doubts about the content. So the agreement could potentially be thrown out of court for not considering the children, one or other of the parties potentially having mental health problems at the time it was drawn up, and one party being coerced into signing.

The prenup is heavily in his favour. It won’t be valid.