Partner changed their mind on cohabitation agreement

[NeatBiscuit]

My partner and I have been living together for 1.5 years. Prior to moving in together, we agreed to have a cohabitation agreement drafted by a lawyer because of our disparity in assets. While the agreement has been drafted, it has not been signed yet and it is therefore not legally binding.

I have politely and periodically reminded my partner about the agreement throughout the course of living with her. I told her that I would not "take the next step" with her in our relationship until we officialize the agreement. This is in terms of buying a home, getting married, having children, etc.

On Valentine's Day, we tried to be intimate together. The intimacy stopped when I wanted to use a condom. I wanted to use one because she is off birth control due to IVF/egg retrieval. Although the risk of pregancy is low due to ovulation cycles, it is still a possibility. Since then, she has reflected on that moment and has been thoroughly upset at me. She was upset that my decision for wanting to use a condom was driven by the unsigned agreement.

She told me that I put finances ahead of everything else. She also said that she has been working on reading the agreement and contacting her lawyer about it. While she has been doing that, I don't know where she stands with the terms in the agreement because we have yet to discuss it together.

Last night and while she was upset, she told me that she won't be signing it anymore. She said that she initially wanted to sign one as a "gift" to me but now thinks I don't trust her.

I feel mislead and betrayed. I wouldn't have moved in with her if she told me that from the start. Also, I've been extremely patient with her all this time. I was never pushy about the subject. I only brought it up when it came to the big, life altering decisions.

She’s changed the goal posts. If this is a dealbreaker for you op, and it sounds like it is, you need to move out. If you both want to continue things on a living-apart basis that sounds like the way to go, or you split up.

If you were my son I'd recommend he moved out and lived separately. She sounds manipulative, tbh.

That's normal. If you are doing IVF it is important not to have unprotected sex, because you risk multiple pregnancy.

This whole thing sounds very transactional and not trusting. Lacking in care and love

Are you in the UK? This would be very unusual and pre nups may be considered by a divorce court but are very much not binding. They also need both parties to have had independent legal advice before signing if they are even to be considered. Sounds like she has only just had a solicitor look at it?

What does the agreement say?

I don't think you are necessarily unreasonable to want a cohabitation agreement - but, if she hasn't signed it yet, surely she hasn't 'changed her mind'? She is still thinking it through, with the help of a lawyer. That is what she is supposed to do. She may not have understood some of the ramifications until she spoke to the lawyer, may she?

I think you are both going at it too fast. Is egg retrieval urgent?

Surely, you both know that freezing unfertilised eggs is much less reliable and effective than freezing embryos. It is, frankly, a totally weird thing to do if you and she expect to be TTC as a couple within a short time frame.

A cohabitation agreement is not a pre nup.

You are at a life stage where child bearing is still a consideration. I wouldn’t agree to a cohabitation or prenup that did not heavily take that into consideration. Have you included generous provisions for her if she gets pregnant with your child? If not, then you are an absolute asshole and she should get away from you as fast as she can. Real men understand the economic and health risks women take when having a baby and don’t have a problem sharing assets because they are trivial in comparison.

Pre-baby, she was being unreasonable.

But if you are planning to share a child with her you are being unreasonable.

You’re going to all the trauma of IVF, but are not prepared to commit to her unless she agrees to an arrangement worse than she’d get if you were married.

TBF, I’d be advising her to rethink that baby as a first priority.

Surely if you have the greater assets then what does the cohabitation agreement say exactly? At this point you are just 2 completely separate individuals living together and so neither has a claim on each other’s assets.

if you were to buy buy a property you would need a document spelling out what each of you put into the property. If you get married then you might want a prenup just in case.

just struggling to understand the point of the agreement when you don’t have any joint assets

I'd ask her to move out. You're perfectly right to not have unprotected sex if you don't want a child together and she's broken her end of the agreement. Obviously you shouldn't have moved her in without it being signed to begin with as it's clearly important to you but now you're going to have to call her bluff or she'll never sign it and you can never move forward together in the way you want.

Yep I’d read that if you can find it and take all the positive advice and agreement that was on it. You won’t get that on this thread as you’re a man.

It stipulates that in the event of separation/divorce:

• My money is mine to keep and hers is hers to keep
• We keep our money separate and the future growth and accumulation of the money is tied to the individual
• Family inheritances/gifts are tied to the individual
• if one person spends more money on a home purchase, they would be entitled to recover that money when the house sells (I.e. if we buy a 1M home and I pay 600k but she pays 400k, we would each receive our original investment)
• Home sale profits are shared evenly (50/50)
• We are both waiving spousal support
• Pensions are kept separate

I would also add that we both have secure, six figure salaries in senior positions. She even makes about 10k more annually. However, I have 10x the savings from a prior business.

Read OP's first post - he moved in with her.

I'd move back out.

I also want to clarify that we are renting a home together. My apologies since that wasn't clear in my original post. Neither of us owns real estate at this time.

Hmmm I’m not sure this is a relationship you should both be pinning your futures on..

That all sounds reasonable as two single people who are not intending to have children, but would be pretty rubbish for someone who had to take maternity leaves etc.

So, if she now won't sign the agreement is that a deal-breaker for you? If so, you need to move out to your own place. Then you both need to decide if you want to continue with any kind of relationship.
I'm still confused as to why you didn't ensure she signed the co-habitation agreement before you moved in with her?

I don’t think that would stand up as a prenup in any situation in the UK.

you can’t override the 50:50 presumption. You can however try and protect assets you have brought into the marriage which in my mind is fair enough, particularly when getting married past 30.

but quite frankly I wouldn’t sign that. Once married it is 50:50. My DH earns more but I work less and do more child related activities and housework. We work as a team as that is what we are. any inheritances/windfalls go into the pot as we are a family!

I don’t think you are ready for what marriage and children entails. You stop being individuals the second you sign the paper. But that is ok. You aren’t committed and it is perfectly reasonable for you to walk away now. But honestly no one will agree to that!

What about the financial hit she is likely to take if she has children with you?

I would support her during that time. We both plan on taking leave if we have children. I'm also open to amending terms in the contract to make it as fair as possible. It seems that we can't have a civil conversation about it without her getting upset at me.

Are you in the UK?

This.

I would seriously rethink the relationship. She is questioning your autonomy and boundaries at every turn.

I’m sorry but even if you amend the terms of if I were her I wouldn’t sign it. I don’t blame her for getting upset.

if my DH had presented that to me I’d have thrown it back at him in a crumpled ball. Protect the assets you own already absolutely but anything past the date of marriage the presumption will always be 50:50 regardless of what the piece of paper says. In the UK prenups may have a little weight depending on circumstances and length of marriage but not binding anyway. You need to rethink what you think marriage is.

this is entirely different to a cohabitation agreement which are used when 2 parties who are not married buy a place together and so sets out how the equity should be divided should you split.