Partner changed their mind on cohabitation agreement

[NeatBiscuit]

My partner and I have been living together for 1.5 years. Prior to moving in together, we agreed to have a cohabitation agreement drafted by a lawyer because of our disparity in assets. While the agreement has been drafted, it has not been signed yet and it is therefore not legally binding.

I have politely and periodically reminded my partner about the agreement throughout the course of living with her. I told her that I would not "take the next step" with her in our relationship until we officialize the agreement. This is in terms of buying a home, getting married, having children, etc.

On Valentine's Day, we tried to be intimate together. The intimacy stopped when I wanted to use a condom. I wanted to use one because she is off birth control due to IVF/egg retrieval. Although the risk of pregancy is low due to ovulation cycles, it is still a possibility. Since then, she has reflected on that moment and has been thoroughly upset at me. She was upset that my decision for wanting to use a condom was driven by the unsigned agreement.

She told me that I put finances ahead of everything else. She also said that she has been working on reading the agreement and contacting her lawyer about it. While she has been doing that, I don't know where she stands with the terms in the agreement because we have yet to discuss it together.

Last night and while she was upset, she told me that she won't be signing it anymore. She said that she initially wanted to sign one as a "gift" to me but now thinks I don't trust her.

I feel mislead and betrayed. I wouldn't have moved in with her if she told me that from the start. Also, I've been extremely patient with her all this time. I was never pushy about the subject. I only brought it up when it came to the big, life altering decisions.

Honestly, just reading about this relationship is giving me a headache, so it must be very stressful for both of you who are actually in this relationship. Doesn't sound like there's much love or trust here, probably best to call it a day on your relationship op.

And they say romance is dead

Having read your posts, especially your last one, you've been together for a year and a half, you've been in therapy for much of that time, and she's dumped you 3 times during that period?
The universe is sending you a message that she's not the one for you.
Separate, learn the lessons for the future, and move on. This relationship is only going to bring you grief and heartache.

I'm in Canada.

It sounds like you’re in a soap opera. New relationship, pre-nups, egg retrieval, therapy, 3 breakups…Do you want to live in a soap opera or not? Why are you having therapy with someone you’ve basically just met? If you find it’s not working in a new relationship then you give them the “I think we work better as friends” talk and delete their number, you don’t get therapy and egg retrieval. How are you going to get through the next 40 years if you have broken up 3 times in 18 months? You have no shared assets, no kids, you don’t like each other and you break up more often than most people sort their under stairs cupboard out.

This sounds like a shit deal for her if you have children. You can blithely say that childcare will be split, and great, but pregnancy will take at least a year out of her life, plus more than likely she will need to be primary carer for at least 6 months. Plus the strain on her if you need IVF.
You want your assest protected by a contract, but seem to want her potential contributions of bearing children to be protected by her trusting you to do the right thing. You say you'll happily contribute more to your expenses as a couple but again, you are only now saying you could discuss getting that added to the contract.
It should be a definite, not a maybe. You can't have half and half. Either you work out every possible financial implications now and get it in writing, or you take things on trust as you are planning to commit to a life together.

Overall I think your agreement is shit. Ring fencing your current savings is fine imo. Ring fencing your future income and trying to sign away spousal support is not.
All of the above assuming you have children, if you don't then it's significantly different.

But also- your relationship sounds quite unstable and you don't really sound committed to HER as a person, just how you'd like a hypothetical relationship to look. So I'm not convinced you are likely to be good together.

I would support her during that time.

With your attitude to money, I would take the above assertion with a pinch of salt.

You are putting finances about everything else and as some hold over her staying in the relationship if you were married

this isn’t the relationship for either of you and certainly not for children to be brought into

Apologies, you've lived together for a year and a half. Not sure how long you've been with her in total.

You don’t want to be in a relationship or make this person your family.

Stop wasting each other’s time.

What happens if you have children then decide you don’t want to mutually look after the kids at the sacrifice of your career? What happens if you both have different ideas on how children are raised? How do you account for bias in the work place when her employers know she has a child and could well have another so she misses out on work progression? How do you account for possible post partum side effects that might affect her work for the year or five after birth? Sounds like she’s taking a bigger risk. I agree with money you had before the relationship but not so sure about everything else. You have said that the contract can be negotiated as your life progresses but what happens if you refuse to negotiate but life has changed since? You sound like you need to find someone to be with who has more money than you. Good luck.

I thought that.

Op, why do you need IVF anyway, if she has been on contraception until recently what makes you think there are infertility problems?

Your post does not seem real to me.

If I was her I'd run. She's going to be completely fucked financially as soon as you have kids, probably living off savings whilst on mat leave at the mercy of you whether you share your wage or not. You get to build your career, pension and assets and ring fence it whilst she inevitably takes a career hit like all mothers. Then when you divorce she gets fuck all. Good for her for not signing.

Also saying you'll build something fair into the agreement when you have kids? How about build something fair into it now?! Glad pre-nups aren't a thing in the UK, it's so hard to quantify the financial disadvantage you have when you become a mother and prenuptials are all about protecting men from having to share the financial hit.

If it was fair all the prenuptial would say is you get to keep your 10x savings you had before marriage and that's it, maybe ring fence inheritance but all the wage and shared asset seperation when you will obviously be in a position to out earn her if she takes the financial hit of kids is quite frankly disgusting.

There is nothing more unattractive than a stingy, greedy man. It sounds like a transactional business agreement rather than a relationship. If you kept waving this ‘agreement’ in my face, I would have pissed off a long time ago.

What if you have children? This agreement doesn’t seem very fair on her. From someone who got fleeced during my divorce, I would recommend you don’t marry at all.

@NeatBiscuit

The tone of your messages describing the desired financial arrangement is cold, but hopefully you use a different tone when you speak with her.

I can understand that you fear increasing your commitment through cohabitation / having a child / marrying her, if that then gives her the right to take away half of your accumulated wealth from your past work at any time and for any reason, especially given she has broken up with you three times over the past year. In fact those breakups over this short period might be a sign that you are not compatible anyway. How long have you been together?

However, I do also understand the point of view of PP who make the point that if one of you reduces work hours and income from work, then that person will be financially very vulnerable — especially if it is her. Whereas the PP who suggested that you just sign over half of your assets to her right now is illustrating precisely why you have a legitimate fear.

It may be too late to recover this anyway, but if you do want to try - perhaps start by asking her what are her fears and feelings about this agreement? And see if you can make her feel heard?

Then perhaps on another occasion, see whether you feel that she can hear your own fears about just proceeding with the relationship with absolutely no agreement.

If you want a third party to help with these conversations, then a couples’ therapist might be more effective than a lawyer.

Then, there may be a way to draft an agreement that addresses her fears and also yours. For example - if her (well founded) fear is about being trapped and broke if one of you takes a bigger career hit to care for children - especially if that person is her - maybe that can only be addressed by pooling income — including investment income —into a single pot for some period of time, which may well need to extend beyond an eventual relationship breakdown (see below) in order to be fair.

Or maybe you would need to put a portion of your accumulated savings (but not all of it) into a pot that will remain available to support any children and their primary carer up until the youngest child reaches the age of no longer needing to be dropped off picked up, brought to appointments, etc. — so I’m talking 16 or 18, not 7 or 10.

Like it or not - if there is no asset sharing at all from the outset, then if there are children involved, any sort of income pooling would need to extend beyond an eventual relationship breakdown in order to be fair because otherwise - what if you have children, and their needs result in her stopping work, and then you break up when they are 1 and 3 and you have completely separated finances - where would that leave her, and how would it be fair to her? Whereas if you are the primary carer, you could live off of your business sale proceeds for a good while. So your agreement, as worded, leaves her in a much more vulnerable position and I can see why she would not want to sign it as is.

If she emotionally does not want ANY agreement then you may just be incompatible. But if the problem is that she will not sign THIS agreement, it may be because you have given inadequate consideration to her needs and interests.

Cut your loses the agreement would have been signed when it was completed if she had wanted to.

She might well be upset but you have to be realistic, I'm not giving half of everything I own away to a partner. I have an adult son to think about.
It isn't very romantic but losing everything in a divorce isn't very romantic either.
I don't personally see anything wrong with protecting your assets.

No offense but I would imagine being high earning & well off would lead her to look for a similar partner to ensure her wealth grows even if starting a family & unable to work for any reason while (not necessarily fair but more common like wealthy men looking for partners who will make sacrifices for them)

I'm not saying your wrong but your "100% what's mine is mine what's yours is yours please do not speak to me later down the line if things aren't working out I have it written down" approach would work alot better on a less well off/more grateful women who views you as a provider more then a partner & will need to hire solicitors later on if necessary then a career woman who who knows the rights right now.

I think your far too structured for this woman & your financial agreement is only 1 step off "if you need a tenner, pay me back"

When children from other relationships are involved I completely agree

when you are starting a family together it is different

But if you have a child together will you be doing equal amounts of childcare? Will you take a career break and the consequent hit to your progression? Do you do equal amounts of housework? Is it truly an equal partnership?

That all sounds fair enough from your point of view op.

From her point of view, not very romantic though!

My point of view - if you're interested- is, you're right. I've been in a long marriage, with children and we are now divorcing. He has hidden his assets from his business, whilst wanting half of what's mine. Plus he earns way more than I do.

Pre-nup all the way! Although honestly, from what you've said about highs and lows in such a short relationship- is it worth it?

You’re just not that into her, or not ready for commitment, one or the other. Nothing wrong with having a prenup etc. but it has become a condition and a barrier to closeness with your partner, that’s a no.

However, we have had a tumultuous year while living together with both highs and extreme lows. We have also been in therapy for the majority of the year. She even broke up with me three times while living together.
I simply want a stable, loving and peaceful relationship while knowing that if we grow apart and separate, I can still retire at a modest age. I don't want the devastation of losing my partner/family, financial assets, and be forced to work longer.

She is not the woman for you.

You are not the (wo)man for her.

Simple - split move on.

I agree.. and there are more "assets" in a relationship than just financial ones.

It sounds like the partner really wants children and would have been OK with conceiving with you right now.
But you don't want that because you are more worried about this financial agreement.

You both want different things. Let her have a chance with someone who does want her and to have DC.

I think some terms of your contract are unfair. The hit women take having and raising a child is extensive and the thought of having to re-negotiate a contract at that time is awful. It would signal to me that you expect worth to be proved and frankly I’d lose respect for you and the relationship at that point.

Waiving a right to spousal support indicates a very clinical approach to a relationship - do not mistake that for a view any ex should be seen as a cash cow, however if this women were to conceive with yourself and then the relationship broke down irrevocably, you would cut her and move forward. It does not engender a trusting and loving foundation to a long term partnership.

You are both clearly not happy and clearly have an issue communicating with each other.

How were the terms of the contract agreed upon?

If you are going to share your life with her and have children, don’t you want to share your finances with her too?