Partner changed their mind on cohabitation agreement

[NeatBiscuit]

My partner and I have been living together for 1.5 years. Prior to moving in together, we agreed to have a cohabitation agreement drafted by a lawyer because of our disparity in assets. While the agreement has been drafted, it has not been signed yet and it is therefore not legally binding.

I have politely and periodically reminded my partner about the agreement throughout the course of living with her. I told her that I would not "take the next step" with her in our relationship until we officialize the agreement. This is in terms of buying a home, getting married, having children, etc.

On Valentine's Day, we tried to be intimate together. The intimacy stopped when I wanted to use a condom. I wanted to use one because she is off birth control due to IVF/egg retrieval. Although the risk of pregancy is low due to ovulation cycles, it is still a possibility. Since then, she has reflected on that moment and has been thoroughly upset at me. She was upset that my decision for wanting to use a condom was driven by the unsigned agreement.

She told me that I put finances ahead of everything else. She also said that she has been working on reading the agreement and contacting her lawyer about it. While she has been doing that, I don't know where she stands with the terms in the agreement because we have yet to discuss it together.

Last night and while she was upset, she told me that she won't be signing it anymore. She said that she initially wanted to sign one as a "gift" to me but now thinks I don't trust her.

I feel mislead and betrayed. I wouldn't have moved in with her if she told me that from the start. Also, I've been extremely patient with her all this time. I was never pushy about the subject. I only brought it up when it came to the big, life altering decisions.

I think that you shouldn't get married or have children until you are able to take more of a 'risk'. If you have children then (in my opinion) you form a partnership and work together for common goals. This can mean that at some points you are contributing more and vice versa. I think the idea of a 'pre-nup' is not necessarily bad if there is a huge disparity in income but I wonder if you are ready for what a long term relationship actually means I have not seen a situation where one party is not 'disadvantaged' where children are concerned. One of the two of you will have their career disadvantaged in some way or will be resentful if they have to work and never get to spend time with their family. Just imagine in your 'pre-nup' scenario if you got a serious illness, is that grounds for your partner to leave you to it?

Tumultuous 1.5 years? Wtf are you doing? How can you have broken up 3 times in that time and she’s already harvesting eggs?

This is just wall to wall idiocy.

And this is exactly why you both need a cohabitation agreement. If you can’t sort out finances now, it’s not difficult to imagine what it would be like if your relationship ended.

You have to be able to talk about money sensibly without either of you having a fit of the vapours. Just exactly what is the basis on which you’re getting together? You could book to see a financial mediator and learn how to talk about money like grown ups.

You've not explained why you moved in together before she signed the agreement. Also why stay together when you've already broken up 3 times in 1.5 years. This relationship is not meant to be.

@NeatBiscuit i have to say this update really re enforces the idea that you 2 should not be together. And maybe something to consider for a future relationship whilst I am not a fan of pre nuptial agreements as I think it sets the wrong a pre nuptial imo should (if you deem it necessary) refer to assets that have been acquired before the marriage not during. During the marriage it should be a partnership.

I've been married 25 years and the only time we have thought about having councilling, was after the birth of my first son. We had been together 8 years before that. If your not strong now a baby will add pressures like you wouldn't believe. Think carefully before bringing a child in to this relationship.

This is not the foundations of a stable, loving and peaceful relationship. She has broken up with you three times and you both been in therapy for the best part of the year.

You cannot have an agreement for every eventuality of life. Plus, you are giving her costs before she even starts - she needs to consult a lawyer and then the contract may need to be re-negotiated with her legal advice (has she actually had any legal advice yet? Who is paying for this?)
Honestly, she would be best off breaking up with you a fourth time and staying broken up.

Plus if you don’t want to have sex without a condom, with a woman who wishes a child, do not have sex. It’s that simple.

Actually, just call it a day already and move on.

Wall-to-wall idiocy is an excellent phrase.

This sounds an absolutely miserable relationship. You're not on the same page about anything and have been on a down for a good percentage of it. Just split and find someone you can build a partnership with where there's better odds of being happy, especially if children are part of your plan. Personally I'd never marry anyone I didn't want to combine finances with and be a full team, but appreciate people have different ways of organising money. I'd have to find someone who matched me if I was to remarry and I'd recommend you do the same.

Why are you, a Canadian man, posting on Mumsnet about this? Your laws are completely different and we don't know anything about what a cohabitation agreement means in your country. If you're that keen for a woman's perspective, well, talk to your girlfriend for a start, secondly talk to a female relative who knows you well (not a female friend you can spin your own side of the story with), and maybe thirdly try a Canadian forum where they will at least be familiar with these set-ups. If you must post here then can you at least edit your OP to make clear what a cohabitation agreement is to you?

I am so confused - she came off birth control to do IVF?

I don’t have an issue with you wanting to protect your assets at this point but it makes no sense if you are planning marriage / kids.

I think you're getting a really hard time on here and it's unnecessary.

Put all the romantic nonsense aside and marriage is a legal contract. One that many people lose their shirts on. The agreement you had is very fair - you each leave the relationship with what you came into it with financially, and will split any profit on property/joint assets 50/50z

Youve said in the event of having children you would support her financially as well as, presumable, physically and emotionally by taking leave.

She has reneged on this agreement - red flag. She appears to want to get pregnant without your agreement from the instance with the condoms - massive red flag. You've been in therapy together for 12 months - another massive red flag.

Just out of curiosity, what age is she? I ask because you're getting a hard time on the IVF front, but from what I can gather she has just opted to go for egg retrieval and presumably will freeze them for potential use down the line? Many women choose to do this on their own so I understand why you may not be overly involved in this process.

I would absolutely opt out of this relationship. Too many red flags, too little trust and life is just too short.

Is this a reverse? Girl get out

@WeightLoss2025 the agreement is not fair at all. It doesn’t prepare for illness or children. How is the agreement fair in your opinion? And whilst marriage might be a legal contract the relationship that underpins the marriage is far from it and if it’s not treated that what before marriage there is no point imo to enter in the legal contract that is marriage.

Do you understand marriage law?
have you read up on what happens at divorce?
In England and wales (if that’s where you are posting form) all divorce settlements are based on “future needs” and law around “fair settlement “
sure, if there’s enough to go around a court may uphold a pre nup….but if there isn’t , or you have kids , it’ll be ignored.
even if it is upheld, a court may determine that other assets, like pensions, under pension sharing agreement, are leveredge to meet fair settlement

I suggest you re think having a relationship with may women who wants children . You don’t seek to want to committ any sense of shared wealth and assets. You realise thst men have a lot of advantages and privaledges thst women don’t once kids come along. Never mind loosing 1 year of work, it is about perception of working mums. The gender pay gap exists for a reason. There is an even worse pension gender gaps. Did you know that 75% of tax relief on pensions goes to men. That overwhelmingly it is women having to claim pension credit.

ifvyoure not married, you don’t need a cohabit agreement. Be tenets in common if you own house together. Job done. If you want to get married annd or have kids, then get yourself better informed and realise marriage is a legal and finanacial partnership. In my marriage we both had period when we weren’t working full time or at all: maternity, redundancy, and finally long term sick where my husband didn’t work for last 15 years of our marriage. Our wealth (and periods of poverty) were just that “ours” not his or mine. And after 30 years of marriage, when we did divorce, we did so sensislbly, quickly and painlessly knowing the reality of laws around divorce and fair settlement

ifvyou can stand to be a team where financial merger is concnered, stop pissing her around with threats, and certainly don’t ever marry anyone . Do your partner a favour to tell her that now, so she can tell you to piss off now and she has chance, whilst she has time, to make a family with a husband that does realise that is what marriage is.

I think it's fine you want to protect your assets, but at the same time, then you can't expect a woman to have a child with you and put herself at a disadvantage. I'm curious, are you this militant about housework and childcare being 50/50? How would you feel if she wanted to charge you for growing and birthing the baby, say 50% of the cost of surrogacy?

@NeatBiscuit have you considered ending this relationship and walking away? or do you think this is the best you can get, provided agreement is signed? what's pushing you to settle 'with just anyone' at this stage of your life?

OP has already stated that he would support his GF in the event of having children in a number of different ways. Has said that he is happy to pay more towards their life together. Has said that he is happy to amend terms in the contract/agreement. All of these things would point to him being more than happy to support if they have children, if there is illness etc.

The issue here is his GF will not even discuss it. He has taken a pragmatic approach to forming a partnership, something many more people should do before entering into a marriage. How would their lives work out if she can't even discuss finances and put what she wants on the table at this early stage?

She sounds like a bit of a nut, OP is being very sensible and I genuinely think he should leave the relationship and find someone who is willing to have a grown up conversation with him at the minimum.

Also NetBiscuit two further points of confusion:

1. Are you in England? Because if so not sure I understand the need for a cohabitation agreement given there is no such thing as common law marriage - your assets are naturally protected.

2. Pre-nups aren’t legally binding (they can be but can be set aside if deemed unfair

3. I understand the rationale that each leaves the marriage with what they came in (should you separate) with any mutually accrued assets / profit split. However does this mean you commit to doing 50% of all domestic labour, emotional labour and childcare to enable her to maintain her career and thus her source of income / so she is not financially penalised by the marriage.

It’s not about supporting her during the marriage if she has children. If the marriage ends she is still screwed. Specifically is she takes anytime out to support the family.

I agree that he should leave the relationship 100%. But we only have one side of the story here. He said he’s happy to support her, contribute more but according to him that hasn’t been put in the agreement? So he doesn’t trust her enough to want to marry her before she signs but she must take his word?

Im not sure that I believe how flexible he has been if I’m honest otherwise unless she’s a complete nut case why would she not want to discuss it? I think she doesn’t trust him and by the sounds of it he doesn’t trust her.

but of course this is pure speculation as I only have half of a curated story - I wouldn’t sign that if I was in her shoes and would walk away.

edited to say: and the problem is not really about supporting her if she has children the problem is her career will take a hit if she has children he walks away living his best life and she walks away with less income…

Saying he will isn't good enough, he's expecting her to trust him when he doesn't trust her.

An incentive to divorce you…..?

My redpill alert started screaming.

I think the gf is trying to push op in to tearing up the agreement. OP should stand firm.

Everything pre marriage should be ring fenced. All inheritance too. The rest 50/50. If the gf wins the lottery before marriage or inherits from a long lost relative, too bad for op too - works both ways.

Wish we had a solid system for this in the UK.

OP needs Canada specific advice.

Women are the ones with the ticking bio clock. OP can have children at a later time with someone else anyway.

@Naunet and she's expecting him to trust her despite the fact that she has reneged on the agreement, and quite possibly is trying to get pregnant without his express agreement.

The relationship sounds like a mess and should just come to an end. No way would I put myself through 12 months of therapy with someone who has gone back on an agreement, possibly tried to get pregnant without my agreement and broken up with me 3 times in the space of 18months.