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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner changed their mind on cohabitation agreement

314 replies

NeatBiscuit · 17/02/2025 14:45

My partner and I have been living together for 1.5 years. Prior to moving in together, we agreed to have a cohabitation agreement drafted by a lawyer because of our disparity in assets. While the agreement has been drafted, it has not been signed yet and it is therefore not legally binding.

I have politely and periodically reminded my partner about the agreement throughout the course of living with her. I told her that I would not "take the next step" with her in our relationship until we officialize the agreement. This is in terms of buying a home, getting married, having children, etc.

On Valentine's Day, we tried to be intimate together. The intimacy stopped when I wanted to use a condom. I wanted to use one because she is off birth control due to IVF/egg retrieval. Although the risk of pregancy is low due to ovulation cycles, it is still a possibility. Since then, she has reflected on that moment and has been thoroughly upset at me. She was upset that my decision for wanting to use a condom was driven by the unsigned agreement.

She told me that I put finances ahead of everything else. She also said that she has been working on reading the agreement and contacting her lawyer about it. While she has been doing that, I don't know where she stands with the terms in the agreement because we have yet to discuss it together.

Last night and while she was upset, she told me that she won't be signing it anymore. She said that she initially wanted to sign one as a "gift" to me but now thinks I don't trust her.

I feel mislead and betrayed. I wouldn't have moved in with her if she told me that from the start. Also, I've been extremely patient with her all this time. I was never pushy about the subject. I only brought it up when it came to the big, life altering decisions.

OP posts:

Velvian · 17/02/2025 21:49

This is very weird @NeatBiscuit , you have no children, no property and she earns more than you do. More importantly, you don't even seem to like her.

I'm not convinced that she has gone back on anything either, this seems like it's all your idea.

Velvian · 17/02/2025 21:52

If your retirement plans are based on your current lifestyle and you want children, those plans will change, you cannot expect to be protected from the financial hit of having your own children. I suspect this may be what this is about.

CactusSammy · 17/02/2025 21:53

However, we have had a tumultuous year while living together with both highs and extreme lows. We have also been in therapy for the majority of the year. She even broke up with me three times while living together.

You've spent 1.5 years living together, and spent a year of that bloody miserable.

It doesn't look good @NeatBiscuit, and I'd say you were flogging a dead horse with this relationship. If you're not getting on at the start, when living together is all still shiny and new, its never going to work. My advice would be to separate, and absolutely have no more unprotected sex with her.

She's backtracking on signing because she isn't sure it will last, and might as well hedge her bets on getting half of your savings if it all goes tits.

101Nutella · 17/02/2025 21:53

YABU in that if it’s a deal breaker you should walk away.

i wouldn’t sign your agreement if planning to have children with you because of the well documented ‘motherhood tax’, which you’re overlooking by saying ‘we would both have time off’. It’s beyond maternity leave. It’s whether you both place value on raising your own kids- if so: someone has to do that instead of being at work. As such they lose pension, training opportunities and thus earning power through potential.

you also don’t know what is going to happen physically during birth and the rehab / recovery/ long term effects. Given that you can’t grow a child and birth it- you need to financially support that one who can. It’s so much more admin to look after a child etc and in my experience one person takes more of the hit, which affects their career.

101Nutella · 17/02/2025 21:55

But to add: YANBU about protection.
that shouldn’t make someone upset with you and it’s a huge red flag.

it sounds like you’ve both been through a lot together so maybe having a pause for a while wouldn’t be the worse thing.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 17/02/2025 21:57

NeatBiscuit · 17/02/2025 20:04

It would be long first post if I included more information and it is easy to form a conclusion without knowing the complete picture. However, we have had a tumultuous year while living together with both highs and extreme lows. We have also been in therapy for the majority of the year. She even broke up with me three times while living together.

I simply want a stable, loving and peaceful relationship while knowing that if we grow apart and separate, I can still retire at a modest age. I don't want the devastation of losing my partner/family, financial assets, and be forced to work longer.

I can see how some are perceiving me as selfish but I simply want to protect what I have worked hard for. Not to mention the great risks that I have taken to get here.

I'm also open to building clauses into the agreement that would account for time spent taking care of children -- even though that will be a joint responsibility. We mutually fed into the agreement along with the terms.

This isn't your future wife OP.
Like many have said, walk away.

CottonCandyLand · 17/02/2025 21:59

I thought you might be in Canada, OP.

Common-law is a thing here. If she decided to move out in a year or more she would be afforded the same rights as if they were married.

Hippobot · 17/02/2025 22:00

NeatBiscuit · 17/02/2025 16:34

It stipulates that in the event of separation/divorce:

My money is mine to keep and hers is hers to keep
We keep our money separate and the future growth and accumulation of the money is tied to the individual
Family inheritances/gifts are tied to the individual
if one person spends more money on a home purchase, they would be entitled to recover that money when the house sells (I.e. if we buy a 1M home and I pay 600k but she pays 400k, we would each receive our original investment)
Home sale profits are shared evenly (50/50)
We are both waiving spousal support
Pensions are kept separate

I would also add that we both have secure, six figure salaries in senior positions. She even makes about 10k more annually. However, I have 10x the savings from a prior business.

Edited

Show quote history

So, if you eventually have children together and she takes maternity leave and then you 2 split up, she gets absolutely shafted by you financially? I can see why she wouldn't sign that agreement. Being the one that would carry, birth and initially rear an infant, she is in a much more vulnerable position than you are financially and you want a legal agreement that that risk is all on her, even if you are married? I hope she tells you to do one and finds someone who actually wants to share a life with her.

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/02/2025 22:05

"However, we have had a tumultuous year while living together with both highs and extreme lows. We have also been in therapy for the majority of the year. She even broke up with me three times while living together."
This is simply not a viable relationship. All this when you've only lived together one and a half years? Not viable. Call it a day and both of you just move on.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 17/02/2025 22:06

I'm also open to building clauses into the agreement that would account for time spent taking care of children -- even though that will be a joint responsibility.

I cannot tell you how much this does not cover for what a women goes through in pregnancy, labour and raising children. You cannot, even with shared time looking after children, repay her for what she loses in her career prospects if she has children.

If she has any sense she will also walk away from you as you should from her. You do not sound like marriage material - not a team player and not a family man.

aCatCalledFawkes · 17/02/2025 22:08

I don't get this. Your not married, you don't own property together, don't have joint savings and you don't have children yet so why do you need one?
I also wouldn't sign this if I was planning to have children with someone or marry them as you never know what is going to happen next - for example do you leave the money to your wife in your death or do you financially support her in maternity leave etc.....

Lavenderflower · 17/02/2025 22:10

This literally doesn't make sense. It doesn't actually sound realistic long term particular if there are children involved. The relationship is already not working - just walk away.

Lavenderflower · 17/02/2025 22:11

Realistically marriage and children are not for you.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 17/02/2025 22:22

Bojanglesmcduff · 17/02/2025 15:03

You wanted her to sign before moving in, but then let her move in without signing which seems like a mistake.

I’m very confused about her doing ivf without you?

she’s entitled to be upset that you want a prenup and don’t want a baby with her.
you’re entitled to prioritise your assets and not have unprotected sex. But both those choices are going to upset the other and you don’t really sound like you’re in a partnership.

She agreed to a cohabitation agreement then renamed. He needs to withdraw from this woman ... entirely.

MumWifeOther · 17/02/2025 22:24

You’re probably being reasonable. But I wouldn’t want to be with a man who wasn’t willing to take a risk by being with me 🤷🏽‍♀️ It sounds more like a business contract than a passionate love story, and I couldn’t resign myself to that. I think you’ll find a woman who would happily sign the contract; but I don’t think she’d be madly in love with you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/02/2025 22:31

"I'm also open to building clauses into the agreement that would account for time spent taking care of children -- even though that will be a joint responsibility."
And yet - this wasn't dealt with from the beginning. Why not?

"I have politely and periodically reminded my partner about the agreement throughout the course of living with her. I told her that I would not "take the next step" with her in our relationship until we officialize the agreement. This is in terms of buying a home, getting married, having children, etc."
You see? You drafted this not-really-agreeing-agreement as a precursor to all that - but didn't think it through about what agreements would have to be made about marriage, children etc. Why not?

You're showing a shocking lack of knowledge (lack of interest?) in how having children would affect your partner. They don't call it the Motherhood Penalty for nothing! Google it! Her career would be impacted pretty much permanently. Are you going to write a clause for that?

Pregnancy, giving birth, breastfeeding - you cannot have 'joint responsibility' for that, can you? Pregnancy is tough, permanently changing your body, opening you to conditions like gestational diabetes, symphysis pubis dysfunction, and a hundred other complications. Going to write a clause for that? Or how about birth injury, where she could be permanently disabled? Clause for that? How about being left incontinent? Clause for that? Do you see how inadequate your approach to a shared future is?

PeriPeriMam · 17/02/2025 22:32

It all sounds supremely depressing and I suddenly feel really happy not to have quite so much money.

MissUltraViolet · 17/02/2025 22:33

You’re clearly a very successful businessman and therefore presumably a rather intelligent person, yet you’re making some absolutely idiotic decisions here.

Living together for 1.5 years, broken up three times and you’re both already in therapy?

Forget the agreement, this woman is not the one.

Run.

Silvertulips · 17/02/2025 22:33

Most relationships ebb and flow - I saved the deposit and brought a house he moved into - the sale went towards out next home - we had children and I stayed home so he paid the mortgage until I found another job, I moved countries so he could earn more -

Even staying home meant my pension is half what his is, my salary will never now match his - caring for children has meant by career and earning power has diminshed.

We wouldn’t have such a large house had I not proved the deposit. We wouldn’t have well balanced children if it wasn’t for me being home to care for them allowing his career to develop.

Believe me - money isn’t the reason I stay - We wouldn’t be a team if it was all his and mine. We have supported each other over the last 25 years.

If he gave me a prenup I wouldn’t have signed it.

If you look at inheritance, mine was 0, then my parents luck changed and my inheritance will out weigh his.

You just don’t know what challenges life will throw at you, and you need to work together.

You think her contribution is going to be way smaller or less value than yours or you think you are equal partners. Which is it?

Loloblue · 17/02/2025 22:35

NeatBiscuit · 17/02/2025 20:04

I can see how some are perceiving me as selfish but I simply want to protect what I have worked hard for. Not to mention the great risks that I have taken to get here.

Doesn't sound like a healthy sustainable relationship built on trust.

monsterfish · 17/02/2025 22:37

Completely get why you want an agreement in place to cohabit. It protects both your interests in the event of a split. After all marriage is in fact a legal document/ceremony where you agree to certain terms and conditions. The party is extra.

What I do find concerning is your partners inability to actually deal with this and seems to be just getting upset. I am not sure you are a compatible couple tbh.

ThunderStormFan · 17/02/2025 22:40

You need to separate…. She isn’t signing and there’s likely to be an ‘accidental’ pregnancy imminent if it’s anything like 90% of couples I know. It’s hard, it hurts and there will be lots of crying / screaming but if you’re trying to safeguard your future, the at will be easier to handle from a legal standpoint than further down the line with marriage and/or kids involved.

I say this as a married woman with children who has left relationships when ex partners tried to force me to change boundaries (one was stealthing and deliberately poisoning my food to make me ill hoping I’d fall pregnant)…. You aren’t on the same page, it’s easier to end it now

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/02/2025 22:40

The agreement is a red herring. This is not a relationship that will make either of you happy. It's really not supposed to be this difficult

MrsFruitbat · 17/02/2025 22:45

You do need to listen to your inner wisdom which is giving you pause to think again and reconsider . And you haven't mentioned love and day to day compatability . I think your agreement is completely fair and reasonable .You don't want to lose the security you have worked so hard for for someone who may not love you and who is looking at the financial side of things for herself . Your having so much extra capital complicates things as it is much simpler if you are more equal in that way . You shouldn't have to be talking yourself into continuing the relationship . It should be easy and enjoyable at this stage .

incognitomummy · 17/02/2025 22:47

This is not a life partnership. Move out. Move on. Now.

Split up 3 times? And she is doing egg retrieval.

You have only been together 18m!!!

Find a more stable relationship please.

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