Partner changed their mind on cohabitation agreement

[NeatBiscuit]

My partner and I have been living together for 1.5 years. Prior to moving in together, we agreed to have a cohabitation agreement drafted by a lawyer because of our disparity in assets. While the agreement has been drafted, it has not been signed yet and it is therefore not legally binding.

I have politely and periodically reminded my partner about the agreement throughout the course of living with her. I told her that I would not "take the next step" with her in our relationship until we officialize the agreement. This is in terms of buying a home, getting married, having children, etc.

On Valentine's Day, we tried to be intimate together. The intimacy stopped when I wanted to use a condom. I wanted to use one because she is off birth control due to IVF/egg retrieval. Although the risk of pregancy is low due to ovulation cycles, it is still a possibility. Since then, she has reflected on that moment and has been thoroughly upset at me. She was upset that my decision for wanting to use a condom was driven by the unsigned agreement.

She told me that I put finances ahead of everything else. She also said that she has been working on reading the agreement and contacting her lawyer about it. While she has been doing that, I don't know where she stands with the terms in the agreement because we have yet to discuss it together.

Last night and while she was upset, she told me that she won't be signing it anymore. She said that she initially wanted to sign one as a "gift" to me but now thinks I don't trust her.

I feel mislead and betrayed. I wouldn't have moved in with her if she told me that from the start. Also, I've been extremely patient with her all this time. I was never pushy about the subject. I only brought it up when it came to the big, life altering decisions.

Well this is dark. You’re going into this already assuming she’d happily divorce you if she were sufficiently ‘incentivised’?

Do you like each other at all?

🙄🙄🙄

This is an odd one. YANBU to want the agreement signed, after all, these are the boundaries you have decided you require in order to continue the relationship. Anyone is entitled to request any relationship boundary they feel is important to them.

By the same token, your GF is perfectly entitled to not sign the agreement, as it sounds like one of her boundaries includes not being disadvantaged financially in the event of pregnancy/maternity leave etc.

FWIW, I wouldn't sign either, and I agree with PP's that this really does read more like a business plan than a relationship.

You’re not compatible, she’s up to something and has gone back on her word.

move out.

For most of human history men were marrying children, raping or beating their wives and dying at 35, not exactly the best point of reference for healthy long lasting relationships- however I’m not implying you shouldn’t be proactive and protect your financial security obviously.

I think PP’s have nailed this guy, a relationship is a partnership and he doesn’t seem to view her as such.

Over 50% of marriages end In divorce

if more people went into this contract with their eyes open, perhaps things would change for the better

"Yes it would be a deal breaker and she is aware of that. We have talked about marriage and I don't want there to be an incentive for her to divorce me. I also have no issues contributing more finacially to our future potential home and family."

I don't think you're ready for marriage. You clearly already think she has the potential to be a gold digger in spite of the fact she is your financial equal in terms of earning capacity.

You may well have more capital to bring into the marriage but that seems to be the only difference. The way you spoke at the beginning gave the impression she was significantly worse off than you.

It's not wrong to want a pre-nup if you have significantly more assets, so I understand you wanting to protect your capital but the rest of it just sounds like you really just shouldn't get married.

Most people don't feel 'incentivised' to get a divorce. If you think she's marrying you for your money, then you need to walk away.

I wouldn't sign that with someone I plan to have children with.

Keeping finances separate isn't so simple once kids come along.

I say this as the woman and the higher earner.

I applaud the clarity and transparency of your approach.

That said, she is not taking the transactional nature of the relationship seriously and trying to move the goal posts. Even if she signed it, can she be trusted to honour it?

I don't think you can move ahead with this deal as your partner is not trustworthy enough.

We have talked about marriage and I don't want there to be an incentive for her to divorce me
Well that is an interesting update.

I get that - but the phrasing here is chilling.

People divorce all the time without being financially ‘incentivised’ to do so. In fact, many women make the difficult choice to face financial hardship, rather than to remain in unhappy marriages.

Something about the way he’s worded this suggests he can’t imagine she particularly wants to be with him in the first place, or that she needs to be actively disincentivised from leaving. Which sounds desperately bleak to me when they’ve hardly been together 5 minutes as it is.

I don’t think this relationship will last!

Right? That took an abrupt turn for the coercive and controlling!

OP sounds like he is terrified of sharing any of his money with anyone - even his wife! He does not believe his partner can be part of his family and doesn't trust anyone. The level of mistrust is literally at paranoia level. Money is everything, love and trust is nothing.

What a way to live.

But going into a marriage forcing your partner to work full time when you have children which might not be for the benefit of the whole family.

the agreement in effect makes it so the g/f’s hands are tied from the moment they marry. What if she is ill after birth? What if it is best for the family if she works part time for while? What if with them both working long hours full time to pay for themselves do they never have time for each other as both so tired? What if they end up arguing as a result? Both parties are incentivised to only look out for themselves and not each other. That is not a recipe for a happy marriage!

Op, if someone came to you with a contract which pretty much aimed to push all the risks from a deal onto you, would you sign it?

Now consider that the person who is asking you to do this is meant to love you enough to spend the rest of your lives together.

What a weird, transactional relationship. I would not have wanted to marry you.

My DH and I are both professionals but his earning capacity was much greater than mine. I was thinking of having separate accounts but he insisted that we share everything ..........

For what it's worth, I would not expect 50:50 split should we divorce but he insisted he would do this

Are you planning on taking paternity leave whilst she returns to work say, after 3 months? Because sharing childcare in this way does not in any way reflect the impact on her body in a physical and emotional way.

I would not sign an agreement like that. It is basically mostly 50/50 anyway. But that's always where the woman stands to lose out.

It would be long first post if I included more information and it is easy to form a conclusion without knowing the complete picture. However, we have had a tumultuous year while living together with both highs and extreme lows. We have also been in therapy for the majority of the year. She even broke up with me three times while living together.

I simply want a stable, loving and peaceful relationship while knowing that if we grow apart and separate, I can still retire at a modest age. I don't want the devastation of losing my partner/family, financial assets, and be forced to work longer.

I can see how some are perceiving me as selfish but I simply want to protect what I have worked hard for. Not to mention the great risks that I have taken to get here.

I'm also open to building clauses into the agreement that would account for time spent taking care of children -- even though that will be a joint responsibility. We mutually fed into the agreement along with the terms.

Your update makes it even clearer that you shouldn't marry, op.

Walk away.

OP you've only been together 1.5years and you say its already been 'tumultuous' and you've been in therapy.

This relationship is not a keeper.

Please don't add children to an already poor relationship. A relationship needs to be really strong to withhold the upheaval and stress a tiny baby brings.

Its clear you do not have confidence in the relationship - that is not a foundation for marriage.

Just fir that, you’re a twat.

IVF is hugely demanding and the fact you’re so detached from it all, as if you dint have anything to do with it, acting as if you can step out of it at any time ‘just because’ would make me question how much you REALLY are invested in said rekationship. Or if you main aim is to protect yourself at all cost (whixh again isn’t a good sign re marriage)

And no ‘being open to renégociation’ is not good enough. Not when said negociations would be done with her been in a much more fragile
position (eg being a new mum, job affected etc etc)

Don’t want to be harsh but if it is bad now, it will not get any better. I honestly think this isn’t the right relationship for either of you. Most couples don’t need therapy and most don’t argue much. If either of those are to happen it isn’t usually in the early stages of your relationship!

call it quits and find the right person!

I’d leave her.

Youre not ready fur marriage and children. Your main concern is your nice pot of savings and retiring early. oh and have an easy agd calm life. Which isn’t going to happen with a baby in the mix. Not when you’ve split up 3 times in a year.

Fwiw, it think you have no idea of the impact havimg a baby will have on career. Nor do you realise the changes coming with being a family with a baby.
youre seeing yourself just as an individual. Not the two of you together as being a team, a married couple, who is building something together.

Go and buy a robot with all your lovely cash.

Don't have children. Being a parent means putting them first.