Partner changed their mind on cohabitation agreement

[NeatBiscuit]

My partner and I have been living together for 1.5 years. Prior to moving in together, we agreed to have a cohabitation agreement drafted by a lawyer because of our disparity in assets. While the agreement has been drafted, it has not been signed yet and it is therefore not legally binding.

I have politely and periodically reminded my partner about the agreement throughout the course of living with her. I told her that I would not "take the next step" with her in our relationship until we officialize the agreement. This is in terms of buying a home, getting married, having children, etc.

On Valentine's Day, we tried to be intimate together. The intimacy stopped when I wanted to use a condom. I wanted to use one because she is off birth control due to IVF/egg retrieval. Although the risk of pregancy is low due to ovulation cycles, it is still a possibility. Since then, she has reflected on that moment and has been thoroughly upset at me. She was upset that my decision for wanting to use a condom was driven by the unsigned agreement.

She told me that I put finances ahead of everything else. She also said that she has been working on reading the agreement and contacting her lawyer about it. While she has been doing that, I don't know where she stands with the terms in the agreement because we have yet to discuss it together.

Last night and while she was upset, she told me that she won't be signing it anymore. She said that she initially wanted to sign one as a "gift" to me but now thinks I don't trust her.

I feel mislead and betrayed. I wouldn't have moved in with her if she told me that from the start. Also, I've been extremely patient with her all this time. I was never pushy about the subject. I only brought it up when it came to the big, life altering decisions.

Yes it would be a deal breaker and she is aware of that. We have talked about marriage and I don't want there to be an incentive for her to divorce me. I also have no issues contributing more finacially to our future potential home and family.

I'm in Canada.

I am going to be blunt. I wouldn’t marry you, conceive with you and be asking you to move out.

It's great to be organised and protect your assets, honest open conversations and making plans together is healthy. However you sound so cold talking about it, like it's a financial transaction.

It may have been better explaining that at the outset as the majority of comments are based on the position in English law.

It is a financial transaction at the point where you aren't married.

I think the biggest incentive for divorce is not being married to the person. Most people don't get divorced for the payout, they might stay married for finances though.

This.

I wouldn’t sign it. I also wouldn’t divorce for a payout if I was happy. If I took maternity and my career took a hit and my partners didn’t, I would expect this to be evened out through pension etc.

That was my first thought.

Does she want to sign it? If so, why is it not signed already?
I wouldn't sign it, wouldn't marry you and definitely wouldn't have sex with you!
Are you both sure that this is a relationship that is serving you both? Do you definitely want to continue together?

No one should be involved in your decision over your personal reporductive rights, no one. Frankly if a BF was still upset with me 3 days later for me wanting to use contraception would be given the heave ho.

I think you are very sensible to consider ring fencing your financial positions too and not cold. You can't allow people to trample over you, if she can't accept that then neither of you are suitable for each other. Time for you both to move on and stop wasting time with each other.

I'd potentially sign that if it was just us two. However what if one of you gets ill and can't work? It kind of negates the point of a partnership for me if the other person is like 'sorry you're ill love, but please use all your savings to continue to pay your share of the bills, while I keep building my assets'

It all changes when you have kids though. Presumably you both work fairly long hours in high pressure jobs if you're high earners. Are you expecting to get a nanny and both work full time? If not and you want your child to actually see a parent for some quality time in the week, I'd expect both of you to take equal hits to careers (eg both work 4 days) or to be financially compensated if I was concentrating more on home stuff. You can't be 50 50 in that situation without significant detriment to the person who does more childcare

OK, since you are both well off, I think ring fencing your assets is fair.

Except that there should be specific reference to what happens if one partner takes time out of work / career for child rearing. I would want to see that as a ‘break clause’ in the agreement.

One way and another communication, understanding and mutual support seems to have failed.

Instead of throwing up your hands declaring ‘I’d never have lived with you…’ ask her kindly and calmly what it is that is bothering her. Not what her solicitor / your solicitor blah blah says… what is it that in her heart of hearts is upsetting her.

And really listen.

And think what you really want. What is most important to you? Her? Your savings? A home in which you can raise a child?

Is she storing eggs as an insurance policy against you breaking up?

If so it seems like you are both hedging your bets in different ways in this relationship. That’s politics, not love and team-for-life stuff.

This makes no sense. Why would you use a condom when going through IVF? Surely you agreed to IVF to impregnate her. I'm confused by this OP

Because having unprotected sex while going through IVF is how you end up pregnant with 13 babies.

I wouldn’t sign that. And I wouldn’t continue a relationship with you.

It just sounds like you don’t trust her and therefore you need to walk away, woman take the bigger risk just having children and what future possibilities might bring to her with raising said children.

^^this - with bells on

It sounds like this has run its course - what is a deal breaker for you and a deal breaker for her are different.

Anyone getting upset about a partner using birth control is certainly out of order.

You could give her half your money upfront, then she would also have no incentive to divorce you 👍

So if you buy a home for you and your children you want to make sure she’s trapped and that your children will suffer if she leaves? Sounds lovely.

Maybe there are parts of the agreement that could be changed, maybe she would be okay with something a bit softer - as it is you’ve basically wiped out all the financial obligations of marriage, might as well just say you don’t want to marry her but want all the benefits of having a wife and someone to have your children.

In the end, if that’s what you require and she’s not up for it then you have your answer. Gotta ask yourself does your money matter more to you than having a life together and a family with the woman you presumably love?

Why do you want to get married? If this is your list of stipulations there’s no point.

Move out and move on.

Putting aside whether the agreement is fair or not, it's pretty obvious she's got no intention of signing it after 1.5 years of living together already. So you need to accept that and move on as things are, or move out.

If it is a non negotiable for you to continue without this agreement, and she is now refusing to sign, then it is time to find your own place to move to.

The unprotected sex is well within your rights to say no to, regardless, props to you for sticking to your guns and being sensible.

If she doesn’t want to sign then she’s too invested in the money. Having children is clearly important to her, and that could mean she would prefer a partner who is prepared to pay for her to be a SAHP. If she’s planning on keeping her own career then she has nothing to lose by signing, but if she’s hoping for a lifestyle to be paid for by you then she knows she’d be taking a risk. She needs to be honest about what she wants. Her sulking over contraception and refusal to discuss it suggests that she doesn’t want to be honest with you, because she knows you’ll want something different.