Partner changed their mind on cohabitation agreement

[NeatBiscuit]

My partner and I have been living together for 1.5 years. Prior to moving in together, we agreed to have a cohabitation agreement drafted by a lawyer because of our disparity in assets. While the agreement has been drafted, it has not been signed yet and it is therefore not legally binding.

I have politely and periodically reminded my partner about the agreement throughout the course of living with her. I told her that I would not "take the next step" with her in our relationship until we officialize the agreement. This is in terms of buying a home, getting married, having children, etc.

On Valentine's Day, we tried to be intimate together. The intimacy stopped when I wanted to use a condom. I wanted to use one because she is off birth control due to IVF/egg retrieval. Although the risk of pregancy is low due to ovulation cycles, it is still a possibility. Since then, she has reflected on that moment and has been thoroughly upset at me. She was upset that my decision for wanting to use a condom was driven by the unsigned agreement.

She told me that I put finances ahead of everything else. She also said that she has been working on reading the agreement and contacting her lawyer about it. While she has been doing that, I don't know where she stands with the terms in the agreement because we have yet to discuss it together.

Last night and while she was upset, she told me that she won't be signing it anymore. She said that she initially wanted to sign one as a "gift" to me but now thinks I don't trust her.

I feel mislead and betrayed. I wouldn't have moved in with her if she told me that from the start. Also, I've been extremely patient with her all this time. I was never pushy about the subject. I only brought it up when it came to the big, life altering decisions.

This does not sound like a loving, mutually supportive, trusting or respectful relationship.

Read all of your posts and you sound unaware of what commitment really means and your ‘terms’ for marriage are far from what many would see as ideal.. it is all about money and value and you seem to think you can have a deep partnership whilst not really being 100% trusting? I’d say you’ve got trust issues and no way in hell would I have a baby with someone who has your values. I think you’d be better breaking it off and letting her go. You’re not open enough for a relationship let alone marriage or kids.

I don't really understand why you want to marry when you don't want the fundamental aspects of marriage?

You just want the 'fun' stuff like a wedding and a partner who is locked in?

You don't need to disincentive someone to divorce you, all marriages require work to make them work, you can't mitigate some elements of this without it having a knock on effect.

I wouldn't marry someone like you, nor would she, just agree to go your separate ways and find people who have more aligned values.

I don't think some men can understand how many women are left with long term / life long conditions or disabilities after carrying and birthing children.

My DNeice needed 3 major operations after the birth of her first child. She wanted a second child so waited until they were born before having the 3 ops, and in the years in between was basically double incontinent.

She'll never be 'right' but it's hidden and she just has to get on with life. She now and probably always will work PT because of the legacy of that difficult birth and struggled with PND as well (unsurprisingly!)

Not sure how OP would financially compensate for that scenario?

Whatever you do, do not marry her without her signing the agreement. Protect your money and assets. Always. There are plenty of other women, if this doesn't work out.

And don't have unprotected sex.

You sound weird.

You both earn good salaries. There was zero reason for you to come up with this weird contract agreement, and I'm not surprised she hasn't signed it yet.

I hope she hasn't wasted her fertile years on you. She needs to leave asap and find a normal man who isn't scared of normal commitment.

This sounds all very transactional and no mention of love. Who in their right mind would want to be in a relationship like this. If money is so important to you don't get married.

It sounds like you don't see a future with her!

1. If you're getting married with a view to spending the rest of your life together, why do you feel a need for this agreement?! (I don't care much for prenups either).
2. If she's at a stage where she needs to harvest eggs for IVF, then surely you SHOULD be trying to have a baby naturally unless she's medically unfit?

I'd be hurt that you clearly don't want to share your life and fortunes with me. Ironically my DH probably brought the most money into our marriage but over the years, inheritance means I've brought that amount tenfold. Guess what? It's in our joint bank account.

Yeah, because luurrve solves it all.

Take a look at the daily posts on MN from legions of women who hooked up with/married/procreated with assholes because they were blinded by "love." And what their lives often have ended up. Impoverished, bitter, permanently single parents with abusive exes, ruined careers, often sole responsibility for raising the botched-up offspring who will have emotional / social /educational problems for life.

But hey, at least they weren't "transactional," right? At least they weren't so "cold" as to discern and spell out their expectations and obligations and philosophy in advance of tying themselves legally and economically to another person.

🙄

I salute the OP for analyzing things in advance.

God. Why do you even want a partner at all. Your relationship with her is about as passionate as mine with my mortgage lender.

You'll be common law partners then, after 12 months of cohabitation, and she already has some rights - though I believe division of assets varies with which province.

This is really sensible. Although, considering she hasn't signed it yet, is digging her heels in, and then said she was going to sign one as 'a gift,' along with fussing about you wanting to wear a condom, would send alarm bells ringing.
Perhaps time to consider giving her a deadline either verbally or keep it to yourself, regarding signing. Then if she still hasn't, move out.
From childhood experience and the more I age, I've come to realize you have to protect what is yours because when the shit hits the fan and money etc is involved, people's greedy sides start to come out.

You seem to have single handedly zapped the joy out of your relationship - perhaps by being overly stuffy and regimented.
Sorry, not trying to be rude.

I'm getting Mark Corrigan vibes here.........

You can not successfully have children and act like two separate units.
Find someone who wants a relationship where you do not live together and do not have children.

I also would say that it is this particular person / relationship that is triggering this anxiety in you. In another relationship you might feel quite differently even if your partner had much less wealth. It is important to listen to your intuition and doubts about this situation .

Who says romance is dead eh!

Sounds more like a hostile business takeover than a romance.
Probably better not to proceed at all.

If you’re in therapy together already and had extreme lows do you really feel like she’s the one?

If so I think clear terms need to be added if you have children and one parent stays home re pension contributions and the money the stay at parent would live on as they wouldn’t have earnings

i I understand you wanting to protect your assets but usually the mother is the one to lose out in all relationships when children are involved - career gaps alas less promotions less income less pension, so needs to be some give

TBH I think this relationship is done. Too far apart

With bells on. You hit the nail on the head

Exactly this. The notion that women leave happy marriages for divorce payouts is weird af. And shows OP has been reading manosphere BS.

This is MN where a man tries to protect his assets and it makes him cold, unfeeling, unromantic and someone who probably doesn’t want to get married anyway. A woman does the same and she’s just being sensible to protect herself.

All through the thread there’s reminders about women who have given up their careers and been left with financial instability after divorce but they never admit that many women actually want to be SAHP who chose to give up a career. Or that they had very little earning capacity even before having children.

Then there’s the men we never hear about on MN. The ones who have worked their arses off for years to provide financially for their children and wife to either sah or have a part time pocket money job whose wives then leave them, talking their children and half their pension and house. It happens all the time.

Marriage should be about love and commitment. It should not have to involve one person talking a financial risk while the other has no risk and only the opportunity to financially benefit.

If a woman is planning to provide for herself and her children then she has nothing to lose by signing a pre nup with a financially more stable partner. If she’s planning on being kept by someone else, then obviously she’s not going to want to sign a pre nup and her genuine intentions are clear.

No ones career is damaged irreparably by six months maternity leave.

On the first post I was with you OP. I thought it was poor of her to delay signing the document that you had agreed to. But following your updates you sound like a walking red flag and I would imagine as she has seen this since living together she has rethought (quite rightly) the sense of this.

You sound hugely transactional. I don't think any woman in their right mind would give you the agreement you are looking for.

This is such an ignorant comment. If money doesn’t matter why does she or you care about signing a prenup, money doesn’t matter right.

OP her finances may not be what you think I’ve seen this before. Do you have visual confirmation of what she earns.

your contract is fair if your both going to keep working and both pay high rate tax, if she does not earn at your level, it’s unfair as her income difference will mean by staying with you rather than marrying another person would leave her financially poorer due to time off work. Recalculate with 4 year sole contributions to her her pension and investments from you per child, make provisions for the home. You don’t owe someone for loving you, you don’t owe them a lifestyle, marriage is a legal contract pre nups well drafted should be a legal requirement.

TBH I’d strongly advise any high earner to marry someone who is their equal both financially and attitutude to money and family always get a prenup when someone says they don’t care about money but simultaneously want to ensure they have full access to yours AND you families is the red flag, if it’s not romantic to sign a contract why are you getting married? God it gives me chills for both my boys and girl, I never want them to be manipulated or devalued assets are assets love is love by making out a pre nun indicates lack of romance is manipulative and dishonest. The lack of self awareness is shocking arguing marriage is a contract a business arrangement it makes sense to just sign that then no checks first no conversations FOR LIFE, no everyone prenup or not should have a clear understanding of what it’s going to be happening with the money in your family. TBH most people I know have pre marital financial councilling and pre nups are standard talk at least in my sector, mumsnet feels like Mars sometimes.