Partner changed their mind on cohabitation agreement

[NeatBiscuit]

My partner and I have been living together for 1.5 years. Prior to moving in together, we agreed to have a cohabitation agreement drafted by a lawyer because of our disparity in assets. While the agreement has been drafted, it has not been signed yet and it is therefore not legally binding.

I have politely and periodically reminded my partner about the agreement throughout the course of living with her. I told her that I would not "take the next step" with her in our relationship until we officialize the agreement. This is in terms of buying a home, getting married, having children, etc.

On Valentine's Day, we tried to be intimate together. The intimacy stopped when I wanted to use a condom. I wanted to use one because she is off birth control due to IVF/egg retrieval. Although the risk of pregancy is low due to ovulation cycles, it is still a possibility. Since then, she has reflected on that moment and has been thoroughly upset at me. She was upset that my decision for wanting to use a condom was driven by the unsigned agreement.

She told me that I put finances ahead of everything else. She also said that she has been working on reading the agreement and contacting her lawyer about it. While she has been doing that, I don't know where she stands with the terms in the agreement because we have yet to discuss it together.

Last night and while she was upset, she told me that she won't be signing it anymore. She said that she initially wanted to sign one as a "gift" to me but now thinks I don't trust her.

I feel mislead and betrayed. I wouldn't have moved in with her if she told me that from the start. Also, I've been extremely patient with her all this time. I was never pushy about the subject. I only brought it up when it came to the big, life altering decisions.

This. Everyone on MN is always saying this when women get pregnant "accidently"

It definitely doesn't sound like she's after your money, especially as you said she earns more than you .
No one goes in to a marriage wanting to divorce
I suspect she feels you care more about money than her .
Your both clearly very wealthy,so neither of you would be destitute if you did divorce.
I'd think very careful op ,what you want out of life
You may well end up alone ,but with your money .. so perhaps you won't feel alone .
It does seem that money is your main priority

You sound like a very bad choice for marriage, a family and a future. If you love this woman and see a future you should be giving her the safety and security required for you both to fully commit to a life together.

You sound cold and calculating to me, and a bad choice for a potential husband and I hope she leaves for someone that truly loves her.

The ring fencing if previous assets that you’ve both brought into the marriage is perfectly reasonable. Trying to separate what is earned during the marriage is not—one of you will take a hit to their salary/pension once the baby arrives, and it is not fair to say that person deserves less of the marital assets due to this.
YANBU about the previous assets
YABU about the marital assets

If you are auK based then no it doesn't. Whoever has told you this is an idiot.

I had similar drawn up and my lawyer specifically told me marriage renders it null and void.

We have a prenup however this is not binding in UK law but it does show intent.

YANBU to have asked for whatever financial agreement you felt was needed before moving in together; she would not have been unreasonable to refuse.

YABU to move in together without the agreement being in force if it is so important to you - of course that left her the opening to change her mind about it, and if she has then you're going to have to decide whether the agreement is more important to you than being with her and end the relationship if so.

YANBU to say no to sex, and/or to unprotected sex, for any reason or none.

Either/both of you are unreasonable to be having unprotected sex/thinking of having a child together (if that's the case); you don't have a stable relationship at the moment and your values seem to be out of sync.

It was really insensitive and weird of you to bring up the agreement and use it against her during sex, especially when you've let it slide up until now. All you had to say was "let's use protection", or however you'd phrase that - that would have been totally normal and appropriate, agreement or no agreement.

I can completely understand why she thinks you're excessively money-focused - not because you don't have the right to protect your assets if you feel the need, but FFS, there's a time and a place. Your partner's a human being, not an object or an obstacle.

Of course you don’t. Because you’re creating a situation where you get it all back.

I really hope her refusal to sign is because her eyes are open and she’s ready to walk.

What comes across from your post is how sad your making things by reducing a relationship to business terms, your thinking about children but want to protect your assets if marry. A real marriage is a partnership. Your in rented but still feel the need for cohabitation agreement you don’t trust her no wonder she’s changed her mind.

OP…
she’s having IVF but you’re wearing condoms so you don’t have kids.
before you’ve proposed you’ve tried to get her to sign something so she doesn’t have an incentive to divorce you.
your agreement will essentially have you living as flatmates for the rest of your lives arguing about who’s going to buy the next loaf of bread.
she should run for the hills.

OP l think you’re on shaky ground if you’re in the UK. There are various reasons why a pre nup won’t hold up in court, and one of them is if it can be shown that either party has been coerced into signing. If your partner is reluctant, for whatever reason, then insisting could invalidate it - especially if she is engaging with IVF because there may be mental health undertones. Neither of you seem to be committed so l would move out and have a rethink. You appear to be more focused on protecting your assets than the relationship itself so l really don’t blame her for being upset. You’re treating this like a business transaction and making it clear you don’t trust her.

I wouldn’t sign this. You have said that if you have children you would be ‘open’ to changing the agreement to make it fair. However this relies on you doing the right thing as the situation changes but you are protected legally and don’t have to. If you are going to have children it is likely to disproportionately affect your partner financially and she will be vulnerable. She clearly sees children in her future. Do you even love her?? I don’t think you’re ready for a serious relationship and your priority is protecting yourself and your money. Your partner could do much much better.

To see it from her side, perhaps the idea of the co-habitation agreement was fine, but now she's seen the actual agreement, she doesn't agree with it.

If someone makes me an offer and I agree, but when the final contract arrives it's not going to work for me, I'm not under any obligation to sign it.

Especially given the lack of provision/adjustment if she has children. I would want to see that included up front in such an agreement myself, not rely on changing it once the child was already here and I'd already suffered the career hit.

In any case, you moved in together anyway, which sends mixed messages. It sounds like you're not compatible.

@NeatBiscuit as it stands contract seems fine. However, and I guess this may be why she is upset..if and when you have children together, the contract may not be equitable at that point. In terms of perhaps her earnings reducing, less pension contributions, less disposable income to build up savings etc. Women bear all of the risk that pregnancy brings, childbirth, breastfeeding etc can all leave us financially vulnerable. And it does sound like children are part of her plans from what you say. Do you want to have children with her? If so are you willing to ensure she is supported financially if need be? (A woman might plan to return to work full time after maternity leave, but circumstances can change in the blink of an eye, feelings can change, maternal instinct can take over, it’s very difficult to contract for that). I’m wondering if she is more committed to having children than you are?

Agree. And it would appear that children are the issue here. OP says this agreement would turn into a prenup, but he already knows the terms of it would be unfair once they have kids, so whether or not he’s ‘open’ to changing it at that point is irrelevant because it likely wouldn't hold up in court in the event of divorce if the judge deems it unfair to one party or any children involved.

I find it really odd that OP is insisting on this kind of agreement before marriage - especially as it’s he who has moved in with his partner. The transactional approach to the relationship would have me running for the hills.

I disagree with the assets earned during the marriage being kept separate as one person could suffer financial hardship at the expense of the other. For instance if your child needed care at home by one of you. If one of you was unable to work for any reason.
Keeping your own assets/ money before marriage separate, I do agree with. You have 10 x more than her....you should be entitled to keep it.

This. 100%. Without provision for children it wouldn’t hold up legally anyway as it would be deemed unfair. But rather than take that chance I would 100% want to see that provision made in black and white before l signed anything.

I’m glad others have picked up on your lack of love language here - this isn’t a business deal, you are supposed to love her - even if you were both broke and homeless. It’s meant to be a partnership.

Not to mention the great risks that I have taken to get here

Woman take great risks having children, their careers take a dive (never happens to men) there bodies suffer, mentally parenting is exhausting, men get pushy and demanding.

Please leave. At least do the right thing and allow your girlfriend to find someone who loves and appreciates all of her and not someone who is more concerned about cash.

The fact she is going through egg retrieval speaks volumes. She doesn’t trust you to want children, even now of after ‘the signing’ or during a marriage. Deep down she knows you aren’t committed to her, and she not risking her potential window to have children.

Do the decent thing and leave - get councilling and don’t date until you are ready to find love. .

She's just trying to protect herself too - that prenup doesn't work for her - also a business decision

If a woman is planning to provide for herself and her children then she has nothing to lose by signing a pre nup with a financially more stable partner. If she’s planning on being kept by someone else, then obviously she’s not going to want to sign a pre nup and her genuine intentions are clear.

No ones career is damaged irreparably by six months maternity leave.

Sure, as long as it's a fair pre-nup with provision for what happens when/if they have children. And also sure, 6 months maternity leave is fine.

Then 2 years later another 6 months, and through all of this, OP decides that he's not willing to do any pickups and drop offs or contribute to a nanny, that he's going to continue to do his hobbies at the weekend and never do a bed-time. And there's nothing OP's partner can do to force him, and the prenup means she's not entitled to anything in compensation for it should she decide to cut her losses and split with him.

Does that sound far-fetched? Shouldn't do - it happened to me. At the start of my relationship with ex, I earned more. Until children, I earned more (and actually had assets unlike him TBH). After children, when he decided his career was more important than mine, he stopped doing anything for the kids, leaving me to struggle to keep my career while his rocketed. I'm doing well - but not as well as I would have been with a partner who took on his share of the care for the kids.

and that's before we get to there being no obligation to share the financial burden of the child/children.

That prenup is fine for 2 single people. Completely inappropriate for a couple with children, or who are planning to have children

I don't think you should call her your Partner because she clearly isn't that.

You may be better off separating and using the transactional services of an escort.

This looks like a badly written AI post and makes about as much sense.

She is insane to consider having children with you when this is your position.

Im married with 2 children.
i make over £200k pa and am the breadwinner in my marriage.
I was shocked at how badly children impacted my career (I’m still earning well but my progress is blocked and the pressure of FT demanding job and 2 small children is unreal)
In hindsight feel very stupid to have believed I was immune from the motherhood penalty.

if she is left disabled or unable to work ft after children because your child(ren) are disabled she can’t claim spousal support???

she is taking a huge financial hit having kids and instead of looking to build a life with her your contract reads like she’ll need a kick in an extra £15 if she has the audacity to order a dessert at dinner.

id be telling you to fuck off and keeping my egg retrieval separate from your sperm tbh.

you want to share children with the her but not a penny of your good fortune. That’s fucked up and a sad way to live.
and I say that as someone who believes in financial protection.

What you are proposing given you are looking at starting a family is t fair, isn’t right and if you were her I don’t think you’d want to take this (shitty) deal either.

We have also been in therapy for the majority of the year. She even broke up with me three times while living together.

I don’t think there is any point going into the rights and wrongs of the agreement because this says everything. You have been living together 18 months and this is where you are! Please just break up and don’t bring kids into this mess. You obviously aren’t suited for many reasons.

Op
You say you would support her if you had kids but it is what comes after that's important.
Woking less to accommodate school pick ups and drop offs/ illness/ and generally just being present.

Yep. And any pre nup would likely be rendered invalid just on this. There are clear undertones of MH issues and coercion.

If you get married, you know the agreement will be null and void, right? We don’t have prenups in the U.K. They aren’t valid.