To be upset son got married without me there?

[Knju]

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

I'm amazed at the number of people telling OP to invite the DS and the new wife to a meal.
Apparently it's OK for the happy couple to not-invite the OP. And the only approved response is that OP must invite them instead! Bizarre double standards.

She doesn't have the right, though, to take that emotion and make her son feel bad for what is probably the happiest day of his life.

Do you think that if they had told her in advance that they were having a tiny wedding, just them and 2 witnesses, OP would have been ok with that? I don't.

That's really sad.

I can't understand the callous comments from some poster.

I assume they don't have adult children and therefore have zero empathy.

Most parents look forward to their children settling down and hope they will share the day.

Even if they wanted a no-fuss wedding they coulda t least have told you what they were doing, and maybe arranged a family party/ gathering afterwards.

I'm pleased you told him how you felt because he was very thoughtless.

I don't think you're unreasonable for feeling somewhat discombobulated OP. It sounds as if the news came out of the blue; getting married is a major life stage, however you choose to do it.

And that's the crucial bit. Your DS and now DiL chose this way of getting married as opposed to how you'd have done it. As marriage is a legal contract, it's done and dusted and as complete as if they'd got married at York Minster, attended by a parliament of snowy owls and in the presence of the Archangel Gabriel. Your choices now are to get used to the idea or hang onto your sense of hurt. It's hard to imagine how the latter will do you or anyone else any good.

Their reasons for having a tiny wedding are their reasons and given the circumstances, they make sense. If weddings are for families, what would it have been like for your DiL to get married with her DH's there and no-one from her side? Can you see how lonely and alienating it might have been for her?

So happy he didn't want his mother there to share it.

So thoughtless and selfish.

What’s selfish is making someone else’s marriage about you and making adults feel bad for making decisions that are in their own interest.

Ah I understand you’re upset. Just try and be happy for him. Don’t let this affect your relationship. That’s the important thing here. You need to dry your eyes and pick up the phone and tell him you’re happy for them. Maybe offer to host a small celebration? A wedding is just one day. It’s the marriage that matters. Be supportive.

Not all couples want to share it. It's a perfectly valid choice.

I assume they don't have adult children and therefore have zero empathy.

I have. I'd be surprised but happy for him and happy I didn't have to put up with the fuss and expense of a wedding.

I understand why you feel the way you feel. It’s upsetting to have missed out on something that feels like a rite of passage as a parent.
I suppose the main thing now though is that it’s done. You are going to have to take a deep breath, call them, congratulate them and tell them how happy you are for them.
What’s the alternative? A lifetime rift? A huge row? Estrangement? It is sad but you’ll need to grumble to whoever you can grumble to in confidence and build the bridge with your son and his wife.

People can’t always control their emotions when receiving unexpected news. I don’t think OP was wrong to express that she was upset - she would be unreasonable to keep on about it now; it’s done and over with. It’s what she does now that will shape the relationship, not how she reacted in the moment.

The thing is it’s done now and you can’t change that. It was their decision however much this has upset and disappointed you.

But how you respond and move forward is the key. They are now married.

As others have suggested, swallow your disappointment and ring him back offering your congratulations and ask to take them out for dinner to celebrate.

As hard as it may be you need to focus on the fact they are married and the future. You really need to show support and enthusiasm. Privately you can have your own thoughts but best to keep them to yourself as it’s not going to change the fact they chose to get married as they did.

”never been one to conceal my feelings…react with platitudes”…waves some red flags for me.

By all means be disappointed, but it sounds a lot like your son knew what to expect from you, and has reacted accordingly. Now you either move on, and keep some semblance of a relationship with your son, or you continue to feel hard done by and victimised and lose it altogether. Your call.

He doesn’t need to have what you feel are ‘strong’ reasons.

This is why we had a wedding with fanily etc, rather than a low key registry office ceremony. My mum and MIL would have been devastated as neither can centre their children rather than themselves in a situation.

OP, I mean this kindly, you should consider that your reaction is shock and grieving for an event you had imagined, and that your DS has done nothing wrong.

Sounds like the perfect day!
Just two of them celebrating their relationship together without all the fuss and the big price tag.
A wedding should be about two people, and what the couple wants.
Its not about you and i feel really sorry for your son that he just got married in the way he wanted and this was the reaction he got.

I would feel exactly like you - worse probably- but I think you just have to grin and bear it for the sake of your future relationship with your son and daughter in law. For some reason he didn’t believe you would let him have his wedding his way so he cut you out of it completely. I’m sorry. Try and accept it, so he can see that you are able to let him do things his own way, then hopefully he won’t feel the need to exclude you from important stuff in future. I know this will be hard, but you have to try and get on with your life as calmly as possible.

What's selfish is expecting the wife to be surrounded by his family on her wedding day without any of her own present. How awful and lonely that might make her feel.

The only people who need to share in a wedding are the bride and groom. They had the wedding that made them happy, why is that not enough to make his mother happy too?

You need to be apologise, congratulate your son and move on.
he is entitled to have the wedding day he wants

They had the wedding they both wanted
Marriage matters more than a wedding and they're buying a house with their money which is a priority for them
Very sensible in my opinion
I have 3 sons 31,27,23 and as long as they're happy then I'm happy.

They didn't want ANYBODY there, don't make this about you. It is a reflection of nothing. Don't now ruin your relationship with them because you are being self-centred and emotionally manipulative. How DARE you insult their choice like this?

It's isn't about you.

My son is getting married and his fiancé's family are being an absolute nightmare about the whole thing and making things extremely stressful and much more expensive.

I'm not saying that's an issue with your family just what's been happening with mine.

Honestly they probably didn't want the cost and all the stress that comes with wedding planning plus all the extras eg stag/hen do's etc.

I can understand not spending lots in this economy also.

Don't be upset and take it out on your son;be supportive and be happy for them.

We did this a few years ago. Just nipped off to the registry office and had a very quick civil partnership ceremony. Like another poster said, we didn't want any fuss but we very much wanted to be married and had been putting it off as similar issues to other posters here. We've been together 24 years, married for 4 years. Don't intend to tell families at any point. The day was very intimate and meaningful to us and we privately celebrate the date each year.

I can understand why you are upset but you need to find a way to move past this and not let it impact your future relationship with them.

They chose the wedding that worked for them as I'm sure you did for you. Find a way to move forward and wish them well.

If she's estranged from her family then maybe she would prefer not to be reminded of her lack of family there whilst his parents and siblings are.

I can understand feeling a bit sad about it but you need to get over that and be happy for them.