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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset son got married without me there?

1000 replies

Knju · 16/02/2025 21:24

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

OP posts:
Smokesandeats · 16/02/2025 22:21

Knju · 16/02/2025 22:16

I think what's so hurtful is I had the closest relationship of any of my children with my son as it was just me and him for 10 years, he's the one I least would have expected this from.

His partner (wife!) is nice enough, I have said before she has been really good for him, she is sometimes difficult to read though, she's polite but doesn't really share a lot.

Show quote history

Do you know why she’s estranged from her family? Have they been together for a long time?

I hope they’ll be happy but it isn’t really the best start to their married life. One family completely estranged and the other upset at being left out of the wedding!

UrsulasHerbBag · 16/02/2025 22:21

Give him a call and fix it. No matter what your personal feelings are he’s your adult son, he’s happy with a nice girl and they just started their married lives together. Fix it and hide your hurt for the sake of your future inclusion in his family.

anonhop · 16/02/2025 22:22

Your reaction is 10000% justified. You're not claiming it's about you. I'd be devastated- it's a bit of a slight to not even tell you. People saying it's their choice so it's fine. Of course it's their choice, but they've chosen something where people will feel hurt (I'm specifically referring to not telling people, not the choice to have a tiny wedding)

Cakeandusername · 16/02/2025 22:23

I can understand why you are hurt. Positives you do like his wife and it seems a sensible decision not to spend lots of money.
Can you call back and offer to take them for a nice meal to celebrate.

fruitbrewhaha · 16/02/2025 22:23

Well you’re right about your DIL not sharing much.

Isnt that what a wedding is about? Sharing.
There’s also something special about declaring your love and commitment in front of your family and friends. It seals the deal. Doing it in secret doesn’t give the ceremony and meaning.

BMW6 · 16/02/2025 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You've totally lost the plot.

A marriage is about 2 people committing to each other. If you are religious it's committed in the sight of God.

Witnesses are only required in modern history, for legal reasons.

It's certainly NOT selfish to choose a low key intimate wedding. It's a personal choice taken by the only 2 people who are in any way relevant.

Your remark about only "trash" being content with this frankly says so much more about you than those you deride.

Their standards were to choose a quiet and intimate wedding. Good for them.

Shame on you.

Rockmehardplace · 16/02/2025 22:23

I would be devastated too OP and so hurt to be excluded from such an important day of my son's life. But it was what they wanted, so nothing else for it but to wish them well.

ViolinsPlayGentlyOn · 16/02/2025 22:23

ThimbleT · 16/02/2025 22:11

I feel for you OP. I’d feel the same in your shoes. You’re perfectly entitled to feel upset but I would ring back and congratulate them and try to move forward with acceptance and grace. You said that your DIL is already estranged from her own family, so I’d tread carefully and try to keep the lines of communication open.

I agree with this.

Obviously none of us know the reasons why your DIL is estranged from her family, and it may well be for excellent reasons, but I’d be doing my best in OP’s situation not to give her son any real or perceived reason to cut her off.

Dita73 · 16/02/2025 22:24

My daughter did this. Her husband’s parents were divorced and big wedding could have been awkward so they just got married. It was about them and no one else and we were both nothing but happy for them.

LolaPeony · 16/02/2025 22:24

Knju · 16/02/2025 22:16

I think what's so hurtful is I had the closest relationship of any of my children with my son as it was just me and him for 10 years, he's the one I least would have expected this from.

His partner (wife!) is nice enough, I have said before she has been really good for him, she is sometimes difficult to read though, she's polite but doesn't really share a lot.

Show quote history

Very much reading between the lines here, but it sounds like your new DIL is quite introverted and shy. Some people with more reserved personalities are really uncomfortable talking about their feelings in front of other people, and the thought of having to speak publicly and emotionally in front of a load of friends and family on their wedding day is pretty terrifying.

In addition, having her partner’s family there while hers are absent could be a painful and very visible reminder of the reasons for their estrangement - and it could also be really embarrassing, if your extended relatives and friends are asking questions about why there’s no ‘bride’s side.’

It sounds like your son has been willing to sacrifice things that he would have preferred (like having his family there) in order to give his new wife a wedding day that she could enjoy and be comfortable in. You should congratulate yourself on raising such a selfless son who supports his partner so brilliantly.

Endofyear · 16/02/2025 22:24

I think if your DIL is estranged from her family I can understand why they chose to do what they did. I imagine it would have been very upsetting for her to have your son surrounded by his family while she didn't have that.

I do understand that you feel upset but kindly, it was their wedding day and they did what was best for them. Unless you want to cause a rift and risk your future relationship with your son, I would apologise and offer to take them for a lovely lunch to celebrate. Try and be happy for them - otherwise I think you will live to regret it.

WallaceinAnderland · 16/02/2025 22:24

You really need to apologise. He's an adult, an independent grown man. You cannot expect his life to revolve about what you would prefer.

marthaisintheway · 16/02/2025 22:24

YANU to feel disappointed. I would feel the same if it were one of my sons.

However, YAVU to have said so to your son. You should have held your tongue until you got off the phone. You need to apologise to your son.

FWIW we got married without telling anyone. My parents would probably have liked to have been there, but they didn't say anything. Instead they congratulated us and took us out for a posh meal. I am very grateful that they were happy for us.

dijonketchup · 16/02/2025 22:24

Oh OP that must be so tough. Yes it’s their wedding, their choice, but for you too it’s an important day, one you’ve hoped and dreamed of.

Let yourself grieve the day you imagined would one day happen. When you feel up to it, ring them and apologise for the shock of your reaction. Explain that while you’re glad they had the day they wanted, it’s a big, important life event for you all - gaining a new family / family member! And you would like to welcome his wife by taking them out for a congratulatory dinner as a family at x place, x day, or whatever setup works for them. (Stay away from the idea that you are trying to recreate or overshadow their day.)

Hope you all get past this in time.

Praying4Peace · 16/02/2025 22:25

nahthatsnotforme · 16/02/2025 21:27

Sorry OP, but it's not about you.

No, it's the bride and grooms day but OP is son's mum and she has a right to be upset

thecrispfiend · 16/02/2025 22:25

My parents did this! Mum was estranged from her parents, they were toxic. And my Dads mum
had never even met my Mum!! He just brought her over and introduced her as his wife!! The back story to this was my dad was an only child and Nan was in a very unhappy marriage and completely over invested in my dad and went mad if he even mentioned a girl. My Nan sobbed but then said "well suppose it's done now better make the best of it" and honestly my mum became the daughter she never had . Her and my dad were too similar in character but she and my mum became so close and consequently she was a very involved nan to me and my siblings, I miss her dearly. And next year my parents will celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary 🩷

Nandia24 · 16/02/2025 22:25

OP I did this. We did it for a number of reasons but on the day I couldn't wait to tell someone after we'd married so called my sister to tell her. I'll never forget her shock on the phone and she almost hung up on me. I was in tears. Half an hour later she called back to say how happy she was for us.

With hindsight we hurt a lot of people and I wish we hadn't done it that way. I wish now that we'd mentioned that we were going away and planned to get married while we were there and wanted to have a private wedding but that we hoped everyone would be happy for us.

Your reaction is understandable. It's natural that you're disappointed. But tell your son how happy you are for him and celebrate with him when they get back.

MsVi · 16/02/2025 22:26

BlackSheepThisYear · 16/02/2025 22:16

I would ring and apologise, and offer a dinner. But don't expect them to take you up on that offer.
I suspect this is the final straw in a long list of domineering or manipulating behaviour on your part.
Your son is doing exactly what everyone always tells husbands to do on Mumsnet- stick up for their partners/wives against the mothers who think they are entitled to be the main character in their sons lives for eternity.

Just make up your own scenario- why don’t you.

HopingForTheBest25 · 16/02/2025 22:26

Oh I missed that dil has no family. Even more understandable to not invite the groom's side then. Try to be a bit more understanding - how the bride feels on her own wedding day is surely more important than how her in-laws feel about it.

Praying4Peace · 16/02/2025 22:26

dijonketchup · 16/02/2025 22:24

Oh OP that must be so tough. Yes it’s their wedding, their choice, but for you too it’s an important day, one you’ve hoped and dreamed of.

Let yourself grieve the day you imagined would one day happen. When you feel up to it, ring them and apologise for the shock of your reaction. Explain that while you’re glad they had the day they wanted, it’s a big, important life event for you all - gaining a new family / family member! And you would like to welcome his wife by taking them out for a congratulatory dinner as a family at x place, x day, or whatever setup works for them. (Stay away from the idea that you are trying to recreate or overshadow their day.)

Hope you all get past this in time.

Brilliant, inspiring advice

ttcat37 · 16/02/2025 22:27

We eloped. Hated the idea of a spectacle of any size, didn’t want any of it. Like you, my mother acted like I’d taken something away from her. Our relationship has never been the same.
Get over yourself and accept that this decision has absolutely nothing to do with you. Apologise and be happy for him before it’s too late.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 16/02/2025 22:27

Perhaps the family could all go out for a meal, somewhete special, to celebrate. Please try and be happy for them, as difficult as you may find it.

SouthLondonMum22 · 16/02/2025 22:27

fruitbrewhaha · 16/02/2025 22:23

Well you’re right about your DIL not sharing much.

Isnt that what a wedding is about? Sharing.
There’s also something special about declaring your love and commitment in front of your family and friends. It seals the deal. Doing it in secret doesn’t give the ceremony and meaning.

A wedding is about the couple and what they want it to be. Not what others think it is about or what they want it to be.

Moier · 16/02/2025 22:27

I did this..just myself.. ex hubby and two witnesses..
Sent bouquets of flowers to our Mums.. which said " just got married.. much love Mr & Mrs *.
They were very happy for us..
It was how we wanted it.
We did " us"..

BunnyLake · 16/02/2025 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Well you obviously weren’t nicely brought up. What a most warped mindset you have calling people trash.

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