To be upset son got married without me there?

[Knju]

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

That’s silly. The couple wanted to get married alone with no fuss, probably partly because of her estrangement from her parents, so they did. The OP’s son told her because she’s his mother and he presumably wants to keep her abreast with his life. You think she should do tit for tat, and hiss ‘You didn’t invite us to your wedding! So we’re sulking with you forever!’

Way to go. I mean, if you want to foster a permanent rift, that exactly the way to go about it.

My DS also recently got married without me (or any parents) present. I wasn't delighted (and I'm sure the two mums weren't either), but, their life, their rules. No falling out about it.

I would be devastated also, you will never get a normal reaction on MN, i dont know anyone in real life who would do this, it has been something that has come up in conversation with friends and everyone said they would be devastated also. People who aren't close to their families won't understand how hurtful this is. Don't forget on MN they people dont think family should help each other out once they reach 18 yo.

It definitely isnt worth causing a rift over so i think inviting them for a celebration meal would be a good idea. Unfortunately I think it is something you will have to be upset over privately going forward.

YANBU to be upset.

YABVU to make your child feel bad about it. Aside from anything else, it’s done now.

I was recently a witness at a secret/elopement wedding, me and DP were the only people who knew about it. The couple told their family and parents after- if anyone was upset or disappointed, they didn’t put it on them.

Expecting to be invited to your son's wedding doesn't mean that OP is expecting his life to revolve around her

I’m very close to my family. I still got married without them there.

Absolute bollocks the amount of people acting like they wouldn’t be upset if their own child didn’t invite them to their wedding.

There was no fucking wedding, that's the point. What the OP 'expected' doesn't come into it. She swallows her tears, apologises and moves on unless she wants to cause a rift.

Me too. I really don’t enjoy weddings, I find them boring and too long. If either of my sons wanted a low key wedding or married in secret I really wouldn’t mind. Quite a relief probably. I’d be very happy to take them out for a special meal in celebration. I’d hope they filmed it and took lots of photos. Obviously if they had a proper wedding and just didn’t invite me but had invited everyone else then I’d be upset but that would be a very different set of circumstances.

I would be very hurt. If they had to have witnesses then why not his mother ffs?

You just have to let it go, though. The very last thing you want is a ruined relationship. If she has cut off her family she might not balk at cutting you off if things are difficult.

I would be very hurt. If they had to have witnesses then why not his mother ffs?

You just have to let it go, though. The very last thing you want is a ruined relationship. If she has cut off her family she might not balk at cutting you off if things are difficult.

Yes, I can understand you being upset, but they didnt want a fuss, they just wanted to get married. Weddings are about 2 people, not about everyone else. Including family.
Don't let this spoil you relationship with your son. Phone and apologise and offer to take them out to dinner to celebrate.

What has courage got to do with it?

To quote yourself, your wedding your way

As a mother myself, I do understand the sadness.

My MIL kicked off big time on our plans to elope, we ended up changing our whole wedding because of her. We now do not have a good relationship due to it. She is also not very involved with our children or our life at all. It's caused a lot of pain for all involved. Please do move on.

I would be so hurt and shocked. I cannot imagine my kids doing this without giving my a heads-up. My kids are entitled of course to have a tiny wedding. I would be a bit disappointed but ok if they told me in advance. Being told after the act would feel really sad.

There is nothing you can do, OP other than accept it and move on.

I just can't comprehend that, perhaps if it was discussed beforehand and they knew but to do it secretly from the people you supposedly love and trust the most just seems pretty cruel. As long as it worked for you and your family that's great, but the OP is upset and I understand why.

We went abroad due to very difficult family dynamics on my DHs side, my immediate family came, plus all our closest friends, we had a party for everyone when we came back but had to keep DHs parents apart so had a meal with his dad then his mum came to the party. Different things work for different people but I would never do anything to hurt my parents unless it was completely unavoidable.

Agree 100%. That said, I would not want a rift, and wouldn't let my adult DC know I was upset. I would say I was surprised and disappointed though. But I would say I understand it's their choice and I will bear no grudge. I mean FFS, surely the adult DC must expect their parents to be a BIT miffed about it. I agree that it's ludicrous to say it's daft to be upset. Most parents would be!

We are a close family but my sister got married abroad with no family there. We didn’t mind, not even my mum as we’re not really people who like a big fuss about anything really.

It would be a surprise and a disappointment IF I was looking forward to a wedding, but I wouldn't put that on them because it's absolutely none of my business and my adult child has their own life.

As long as no one else was invited then I wouldn't get worked up about it

It's a no go topic with them really.

Once when I asked my son alone he said when her brother died her parents said they wished it was her and that just summed up the whole thing really, she hasn't spoken to them since she moved out a couple of weeks after she turned 18.
I was all ready to make her part of our family but she seems to like to keep us at arms length.

They've been together 2.5 years.

They wanted a quiet, meaningful ceremony without the stress and fuss of pandering to lots of relatives and their expectations. And, likely, wanted to avoid the cost if they are saving to buy a house. Two rooms and a special frock and meal will in no way compare costwise to a big wedding. Or even a small one.

The wedding ceremony is just the start. The real support, the unconditional love and acceptance, starts now.

Try to park your disappointment and offer to support them in their marriage by being pleased from them. I know it’s hard, but no everyone wants the big day.

I hope you don’t have kids who want to have weddings! What a lack of understanding of how some loving parents feel about the marriages of their kids, and the joy and other emotions involved. It’s not about the dress and cake!

I’d be devastated if my sons did this to me, BUT you have to find a forward. This can’t be undone. It has happened. You have two choices either to not talk to them/constantly bring it/be upset OR move forward and have them in your life.

My son is only 5yrs old. I’ve just cuddled him to sleep. The thought of him getting married without telling me or me being present is awful. I can see why you feel that way. You’re his mum - you raised him. You have every right to be disappointed it wasn’t what you hoped. You’ll have to find a way to move past it though as it’s done now.