To be upset son got married without me there?

[Knju]

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

I have never been one to conceal my feelings I don't think it's realistic of me to just react with platitudes

I would have a real rethink about this aspect of your personality op.

It's already meant they couldn't share that they had planned to elope, and it probably meant that they were dreading the call to tell you.

What happens if they decide to have children? They are going to keep things from you so you don't take the shine off it because you have to put your feelings before theirs.

I get it was a shock, but they had their day their way, and the fact you think their reasons are weak (they aren't) says a lot.

They didn't have a massive wedding and party, they signed a piece of paper, would you be annoyed if you weren't there when they signed for their mortgage?

@Knju you’ve made his marriage all about your feelings. Yes, it would have been lovely to be part of it but that’s not how they wanted their marriage to start.

You could have just said that you are happy for him and whilst you wished you’d been there you look forward to celebrating with them both soon.

id send them a lovely gift and card and apologise for how upset you were in the moment and put it down to the unexpected news.

OP, give him a ring back.

Tell him you were a bit blindsided. You're delighted for them both, you understand they had the wedding they wanted and you look forward to taking them out for a meal to celebrate when you're next together.

This doesn't always help though. We told our parents a year in advance & the inlaws still reacted VERY badly. She never came to terms with it, to the point of it causing estrangement.

Come to terms with it?

It's not a bloody terminal illness.

I feel for you OP. I’d feel the same in your shoes. You’re perfectly entitled to feel upset but I would ring back and congratulate them and try to move forward with acceptance and grace. You said that your DIL is already estranged from her own family, so I’d tread carefully and try to keep the lines of communication open.

But she apparently doesn't hide her feelings, so he'd end up getting cried at and manipulated on the run up to the wedding.

No-one needs that sort of treatment, so under the circumstances I think it was best not to tell the OP until after the event.

And he didn't 'turn up married'. He rang his mum to tell her he got married without her being there and explained why.

But OP’s reaction explains exactly why he didn’t do that - he’d have had non-stop guilt tripping leading up to the wedding if he’d given her a couple of months’ notice.

I can understand you being upset, but doubling down and saying that you've 'never been one to conceal your feelings' could just push them away.

It's done now, so you do need to conceal your feelings if you want to have a good relationship with your son and his wife. PPs have suggested that you take them out for a celabratory dinner, and I think this is the best thing to do.

If you keep on making your upset their problem, they will distance themselves for you.

I have a DS and honestly couldn't see myself being more than a bit dissapointed if he eloped, and I would not try to make him feel guilty.

Your reaction is why they didn't tell you

It's their day, she doesn't have family so perfectly reasonable to elope

You may have done a lot of damage to your relationship with your son and his wife with your reaction

Seriously, where did you get that from??
I've read, and reread OP and I don't see that.

You know I was initially sympathetic, although you absolutely do need to call them back and apologise- but the way you’ve written this makes me feel that you’re not one to put your own feelings aside regardless.

your son chose this. It was what was right for them. They don’t need to explain themselves at all let alone with ‘weak excuses’ - leave them be to enjoy being newly married. Good for them

As others have said phone him tonight and say you’re sorry for your initial reaction it was a shock. Invite them out for a celebration dinner. Even if you don’t mean this right now you need to fake it til u make it, this will effect your relationship long term.

@fromhere That is hilarious, and you're also my hero!

I would be sad if my kids eloped in secret (oldest is 6 though so some ways off). Reactions like the op is why I'm still not married to my other half of 9 years, with 2 kids, and a mortgage. My parents would be the same, even though they were crap, neglectful and physically abusive to me (SD anyway). I'm very tempted to do like the op son though, but with our kids too.

My husband's mother and sister apparently responded in the same way when we went off and married overseas, just the two of us and two friends as witnesses. No family was present on either side. The details of their behaviour afterwards didn't get back to me until after we'd been married a good many years; DH sensibly took good care that it shouldn't.

They took our decision as a personal affront. I was disgusted on his account that he'd had to face an attitude like this.

Everyone else, my family included, was delighted for us.

I think what's so hurtful is I had the closest relationship of any of my children with my son as it was just me and him for 10 years, he's the one I least would have expected this from.

His partner (wife!) is nice enough, I have said before she has been really good for him, she is sometimes difficult to read though, she's polite but doesn't really share a lot.

I would ring and apologise, and offer a dinner. But don't expect them to take you up on that offer.
I suspect this is the final straw in a long list of domineering or manipulating behaviour on your part.
Your son is doing exactly what everyone always tells husbands to do on Mumsnet- stick up for their partners/wives against the mothers who think they are entitled to be the main character in their sons lives for eternity.

This OP. If you don't get over yourself and offer sincere congratulations you will do irreparable damage to your relationship with your DS and DIL.

My DH and I got married in a registry office on a Friday afternoon with just our two best friends as witnesses, just as we'd always said we would (we'd been engaged for years). The first person we told was my SD and she sent a shitty text and then refused to speak to her dad for 6 months. Popped back into our lives 6 months later, just before her birthday (surprise surprise), like nothing had happened.
I've never forgiven her.

There's defo a mums of sons theme in all these replies 😂

The wife doesn't have any family. Can you imagine how hard it must be on your wedding day being surrounded by your husband's loved ones and having none of yours there for you?

If "nicely brought up people" don't do this, OP must have done a shitty job bringing him up then?

Also, "nicely brought up people" don't call other families "utter trash" so I guess you're not so lovely either?

”Weak reasons”

Respectfully OP, he doesn’t have to give you, or anyone else “reasons”. It’s not his job to justify his life decisions. He is an adult, and he has made his choice.

Youre allowed to be disappointed but you shouldn’t put that on him or make him feel bad or guilty. It’s not fair.

If I were you I’d have a stern word with yourself this evo and call him tomorrow and say “sorry”. It was your first reaction and you were shocked but you’ve thought it over. Invite them over for a dinner or a roast and get some champagne to toast their life. Then move on.

I think what's so hurtful is I had the closest relationship of any of my children with my son as it was just me and him for 10 years, he's the one I least would have expected this from.

I would imagine he was trying to make their wedding day as happy as it could be for his wife. If she doesn't speak to her family and friends are far away, then a room full of only your family, would have probably been really difficult for her. I understand you're upset, but for them to have a wedding day that involved you, would have been a day that might have made her feel really crappy and not what she wanted.

You’re now risking complete and utter permanent destruction of your relationship with your son because you didn’t get to put on a posh frock and get a bit of cake.

Get over yourself.

When you think about it, it's quite strange that we, as a society, expect to witness what is a private, intimate promise/declaration between a couple.
Some people hate doing that sort of thing publicly and want their wedding to just be between themselves and not be on show for family and friends. I would love to have gone off quietly and got married without anyone being there - unfortunately my in laws and I suspect my mother, wouldn't have taken it well.

I think it's natural to feel sad about missing it, but what you do next will determine the course of your future relationship so you need to find a way to come to terms with it and accept it isn't a flight against you or a reflection of your son's love for you. It's simply a preference they had for their wedding.

And remember that small weddings with 'just' mum, dad and siblings often morph into adding grandparents snd aunties/uncles and the equivalent in the brides side and before they know it, their tiny intimate wedding has a whole heap of people present.