To be upset son got married without me there?

[Knju]

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

Carry on like this OP and you'll not be a part of any future grandchildren's lives.

I think this is looking highly likely.

This is manipulative and controlling if you don't fall in line you don't get to see the kids. It's another form of abuse.

Nobody says “accept anything your kids do”.

But the “kid” here has done literally nothing wrong. There is nothing wrong with eloping and not wanting any fuss on your wedding day.

I'm a bit surprised people are not focussing on the DIL here. Is it really so hard to understand why she might have wanted the wedding she did, given the estrangement in her family, which is undoubtedly painful and having a wedding filled with her husband's relatives might have felt like something highly undesirable for her?

And, yes, OP you absolutely are entitled to be disappointed. I would be too. But you are massively overreacting for something that really isn't about you ultimately.

It's not nasty to point out how dramatic she was

Since OP is choosing not to reflect on her own actions, it's hardly putting the boot in either

I did the same as your son. I also did not want the fuss, inevitable family dramas, cost, attention...I just wanted to get married. There was divorce in our family and I just couldn't be arsed with having to placate people who didn't get on, or knowing they would be slagging each other off. I hated my mum's husband and didn't want him there and my sisters can be a nightmare/bitchy. I just wanted a peaceful, quiet, quick wedding. Perhaps he also wanted to avoid family drama (although he's obviously not been successful on that one!).

Their marriage is not about you, or his stepfather or anybody else, its about them and how they wanted to do it. You really do need to get over it if you want a future relationship with them. I would be apologising profusely and say it was the shock and the disappointment but you are super, super happy for them and perhaps suggest a family dinner/celebration.

There were several alarm bells ringing in the OP's previous updates ("I have never been one to conceal my feelings" OK then) but this one spells it out crystal clear.

The son's wife's estrangement from her family may well have been the impetus for not having a full wedding but it's obvious that there's plenty of dysfunction on the son's side as well. A very dramatic mother and stepfather who are making this all about them (I'd guess he's familiar with this pattern). Even the siblings supposedly defending him are basically slating how "difficult" he used to be, which his mother agrees with. He must have felt very judged all these years. I suspect he was very happy to get married to someone who loves him for who he is without having all this judgment and drama surrounding him.

It's very often the case that couples bond over shared family dysfunction, even if the nature of the dysfunction is different.

OP of course you have a right to feel sad that you weren't there. BUT. It was their wedding. Their choice. Their happiness.

We're eloping. Of course my mum will be upset, then again she's been upset at the fact that we've not been married for the last 5 years and had our children the 'wrong way' outside of marriage. My mum has a habit of making our time together all about her. I won't get to enjoy our special day because I'll be under pressure to keep her happy, even at a small event. By the sounds of it with your comments of 'encouraging' them to have the wedding local and only inviting your family not anyone to do with the bride, the situation doesn't sound too dissimilar I'm sorry to say.

I hope your son and his new wife are very happy and spend many years enjoying memories of their special day.

And I can't believe you asked him over the phone whether she was pregnant, good LORD.

That’s not accurate. They had two randos as witnesses, that’s it.

It sounds like to them, the marriage is what is important. The wedding was just necessary admin. So that’s how they did it. I cannot fathom being hurt that.

There's nothing wrong with the op feeling upset.

On the contrary. These are healthy boundaries for the life he has with his wife.
It will be a good example for any children they will have.

No need to keep dragging the toxic drama from your own childhood into your independent adult life. It's also completely unreasonable to demand that any future children be exposed to all this guilt tripping.

It’s not “wrong” but it is baffling and bizarre.

A marriage is two people wanting to make a commitment to each other. Some people like to do this in front of friends and family. Others like to do it privately. We did it exactly as OP's son did it. It was not an insult to my family. I love them very deeply and there are no issues between us. We just wanted to do it privately. It was about us saying our vows to each other. My parents were delighted for us. They were so pleased we were married and did it the way we wanted. Not once did they make it about them.
DH's family were also very supportive about our decision, despite being an Indian family who had expectations of a massive Indian wedding! Everyone wished us well. No drama, no tears, no arguments.

You think it’s a huge life event. To me, it was like any other piece of legally-significant paperwork, like signing a mortgage, registering newborn DS. No need for an audience, unless you want.

We can agree to disagree

I can't get over how self centered you are being about this - though I can understand you would have been very disappointed.

You could have said ...... congratulations dahling, how lovely, let's have a glass of bubbly ....... and had your cry and reactions privately.

You'll drive your son away with over-reactions and histrionics. I couldn't bear to be near anyone who did this to me. He's probably thinking he can't talk to you about anything as you'll over react and make it about you.

Their wedding, their choice. You get on with your life and let him get on with his.

You go on as if the op has committed murder.

Well you made it about how YOU would react so I responded to that

Whilst I can understand why your feeling hurt OP your reaction to the wedding will only cause further issues down the line until you accept it and move on.

A wedding is in order for a couple to marry, it is up to the couple how they wish to do that and your son and his wife decided what they wanted was the two of them. You really need to respect that decision and boundary.

Let the dust settle and then call and apologise for your reaction and that it was out of shock more then anything.

I did something similar two years ago
My parents told me that they didn't want anything to do with me after they were told despite us explaining all our reasons for keeping it small
I tried for a few months to repair things but they are adamant they no longer want a relationship with me.
Slightly more extreme reaction to yours OP but if you stew on it it could go a similar way
Is it worth losing your son being in your life over? I can't think of anything worth that

@SallyWD did you tell your parents in advance that we is what you wanted or tell them afterwards?

did you expect them to be fine or did you imagine they would be upset?

What an over reaction. This is pretty much how OP has reacted to their son getting married and it's exactly why they didn't tell her before hand.

Some people don't view marriage as a big declaration of love for each other, they see it as a beneficial arrangement to make things easier when it comes to sharing property and in the event of a spousal death.

The "I don't need a bit of paper to prove my love and commitment" crowd see sharing a home and raising children just as important as having a gold band on their third finger. Whilst that isn't for me, I can't argue with their logic. When you boil down a marriage to its fundamentals, its basically an insurance policy.

I have been asked if I would potentially be a witness for a friend when she does similar. Her and her partner have been together for a couple of decades and have a young family. They don't like the connotation of marriage and so will enter into a civil partnership to protect each other in death. They won't tell their family as they will likely be "persuaded" to have a wedding. In fact, the 'ceremony' they are planning will likely take place during a work day lunch break. She is definitely keeping her own name and there will not be an exchange of rings.

This point is raised ad nauseam on discussions of estrangement - which is where this situation is likely headed. It's very much a variation on The Script. The parent, and it usually is the parent, would rather be 'right' than to have a relationship with their children and grandchildren. This is the variety of parent who protests that they have no idea what they did to cause the estrangement. They've been good parents; not one part of the situation is their fault. They were always there to 'pick up the pieces', and I quote.

This thread contains several warnings that OP will end in pushing this couple away if she continues on this course. I suspect that ship has already hoisted its sails and is edging its way out of the harbour.

What the son and his bride have done in no way falls into the category of 'unforgivable', as a PP upthread histrionically suggests. As for the other side of the issue, I suspect most people could forgive the fact that weddings can cause heightened emotion (although I don't see what there is to get so het up about). Arguments over guest lists, who should be invited, who sits where, disapproval over the form and structure of the day, disappointment over the couple's choices - these can all eventually be looked past and forgotten.

OP was entitled to be disappointed, if that's the way she feels. She was not entitled to express this in the vehement way she did, and as for asking if the bride was pregnant, that shows a shocking and totally inconsiderate want of boundaries. Given time, this might also be looked past.

The only really unforgiveable act to my mind is the completely self-centred, callous lack of empathy show by DiL's new in-laws toward her pain and trauma, and their joint decision to make this day more gentle on her in view of that trauma. OP will be fortunate, and DiL an extremely generous and forgiving person, if her in-laws ever clap eyes on this woman again.

Were this my MiL she wouldn't see my heels for dust.