To be upset son got married without me there?

[Knju]

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

Emotional manipulation she shouldn't be upset? Some grown ups are more emotional than others. Some adults show no emotion at all and don't care for other people. I know which one I had growing up.

He was a bit thoughtless to ring you and give you the news over the phone. He knew it was likely to upset you and did it anyway. Selfish. Their wedding their way but he should have sent you a message so that you could have read and digested it in your own time and been 'back to normal' by the time you spoke.

Your feelings are normal, don't let anybody tell you otherwise. You feel how you feel and that's it.

Get past it because there's nothing else to be done.

Sounds like he handled her reaction perfectly well to me.
He told his mum he got married, not that he's going to jail for drowning puppies. Crying down the phone is an overreaction. Now stepdad has melted down about it too, so appears son knows there's little emotional regulation in that family.

Mum crying down the phone, stepdad is furious, people are storming off. That's not healthy expressions of emotion is exhausting to deal with.

Well, you do you, if you get or got married. I adore my parents and still wanted to get married without them, or anyone other than two witnesses, present.

They weren't "snubbing them" as it wasn't about them. It was about their wedding. Its not the mother's wedding, not the father's wedding - its their wedding - the son and his partner.

I hope I will never act like this with my children. Not everything is about me and what I want, what I feel. I'd be glad that they love each other and they did what they wanted.

He phoned her because he knew her reaction would be dramatic and OTT. On the phone makes it easier to extract yourself from the drama

Sending her a message would have been considered so much ruder!

Yes, it will have given him ample proof they made the right decision not to say anything till afterwards.

Not got time to read the thread, just the OPs posts...

OP I understand you're hurt, but I urge you to think what you'd like the future to look like rather than focus on this. It was their choice to make, I can see why they did it and I don't think they meant to hurt you. But what matters is moving forward, do you want this to drive a wedge in your relationship? I think take a couple of days to reframe it in your mind, then contact your son and apologise for your reaction, you can say that you felt hurt or disappointed but that you understand it was their decision. I would then say congratulations and you would love to celebrate with them if they're happy with that and to suggest a meal somewhere they'd like, or a family meal at your house etc. But don't do this until others in your family have also calmed down, you don't want another massive argument. If you're ready but others aren't, maybe a meal with just you or you send some flowers / voucher for their favourite restaurant / a card.

You are not unreasonable to feel disappointed, but you are massively, massively unreasonable to spoil your son's special day.

If you want any kind of relationship with your son and daughter-in-law in future, you have got a lot of grovelling to do and the sooner you start, the better.

Send a bouquet and and chocolates to the hotel. Apologise for your selfish reaction to their good news and wish them happiness for the future. Do it today and they might be prepared to forgive you.

I did exactly the same thing, and it wasn’t about my mum or my family - it was about me and what I wanted.

We wanted to be married without the cost, everyone looking at me walking down the aisle, having a party etc - it was just the getting married part in the way that we wanted.

My mum reacted the way that you have. Our relationship has never been the same. I understand that it hurt her, but i also wish that she could have seen that it wasn’t about her.
We have never spoken about my wedding. She has never looked at the photos or asked me any questions. I don’t bring it up because I don’t want to hurt her again.

Think about what you want moving forward. You can’t change what they have done but you can change what happens with your relationship moving forward. It’s natural to react - but apologise. Explain. See the pictures. Send them a card. Make them a dinner and be part of his life.

I wish I had that it was hard. Grandparents day at school I asked my mum she didn't want to know my partner had to do it. Kids talking about visiting grandparents over the holidays. My youngest son doesn't have to have those feelings of abandonment my parents are dead now.

Not really. He knew this would hurt his mum so gave her the news over the phone. Who does that?

This thread is full of accept-anything-your-kids-do. I don't feel that way.

But that’s the job of a parent, to give them the skills and support they need so they can do it solo. It sounds like your relationship with him has been unhealthy at times.

You need to be really carefully now or you’re going to push him away even more. You need to see him as the adult that he is and keep your judgement to yourself.

Someone whose mother habitually lets it all out, crying and shouting and making a huge drama of things?

This has been a frustrating read. OP you are allowed feel somewhat upset, but do it silently. The fact you are making this entire situation about yourself and have said you would've tried to convince him to do something YOU wanted if he had told you in advance says it all! It was not your wedding to dictate!

Because he knew she'd be a total drama queen

He protected himself from her dramatics, which he's probably used to

You're probably as bad as she is

Exactly this op. If you wish for any relationship in the future, with them, or any future grandchildren you need to put a perspective on it, and be happy for them. Obviously your son felt he couldn't tell you beforehand, which judging by your reaction I can see why. This is on you, and you need to apologise, or you'll regret it down the line.

"If your mother is knobhead then obviously do what you want."
I think, based on all of the OP's updates thus far, Mother is indeed knobhead...

A lot of these comments are nasty. Is life not going well for you you have to put the boot in.

I would also be devastated. It’s such a huge life event. To be just a phone call after… it just feels so sad.

Where did the op say she shouted?

I genuinely don’t get why people get this upset at not being at somebody’s wedding because said couple decided to elope.

Why does it matter?

Why make a personal comment about me when you know nothing? I don't care what you think about anything and I'm done with responding to you.

You will never forgive somebody for having the wedding day they want to have - with no fan fare, no fuss, no family just a legal signing of papers?

Why on earth would that cause anger?