To be upset son got married without me there?

[Knju]

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

Only read OP's posts

Which do the classic "reply to people who agree with me and indulge in their sympathy"

Looks like the couple with be NC with BOTH parents if you keep this up!

I'm going to suggest of your other DC the one who made the "he's her problem now" joke doesn't give a stuff the wedding was private and the other two are planning how to keep you out of their own weddings if they aren't already married! (And sound much more compassionate and understanding)

It's THEIR wedding. Not YOURS.

Agree with you @IntermittentStream what a batshit post. Newsflash, it is about the couple, not anybody else. He is an adult and did communicate. Afterwards, his dm, however, made it all about her, as he knew she would, hence not telling her beforehand.

Thank god for some sanity here

We did something similar - booked a nice hotel for just us, booked a registry office nearby with the cheapest ceremony offering and had two random ladies as our witnesses. I phoned my Mum a few days later and she was delighted for us. She's always wanted us to be married, so was just happy it had happened and didn't feel she missed out. I have a big, close knit family whereas my husband can use one hand to count family members so if we'd have had a big do 1. he would have absolutely hated it because he doesn't like a fuss and 2. It would have turned into a family event for my side whereas this was all about the two of us and nobody else. We did spend a little bit more than was needed (just on the hotel really, we dressed up smartly but not new clothes) just because it was a special day for us and we wanted it to feel like a bit more than just popping out to buy milk.

YANBU to be upset, but they are entitled to have the wedding day that they want.

So you made it about you? They had the wedding they wanted. Isn't that the important thing?

I would also be devastated. I would have understood the need for a quiet wedding, but not the secrecy.

My friend tried to do this once, just organise a wedding for 20 people and not allow guests to tell anyone else it was happening. I said I wouldn't let her do it. Not because she didn't deserve the wedding she wanted, but that it would be deliberately hurtful to people who weren't involved, and that was unnecessary.

People on Mumsnet are always so quick to rush in with 'their wedding, their choice' but that does not mean they don't have to accept the hurt they cause other people by doing exactly what they want.

God, no wonder so many Mners are estranged from their families and have no friends, if you seriously think that wailing down the phone and not respecting your adult child’s decision shows ‘love’.

I've done that cut off both families because they didn't care. Bringing up children without extended family is hard work. The op loves and cares for her son and if they walk away then their children will miss out on a lot of love from the op.

Grown ups should be able to maintain some control over their emotions. Feeling disappointed doesn't make it ok to wail down the phone at someone - that's emotional manipulation.

OP, ring him back and apologise, say you were surprised and reacted badly. Then get a date in the diaries to take them out for a fabulous dinner to celebrate.

I'm so close with my family and I would never have done this to them. I would want to get married with my parents there to share in the day and the excitement and as a a parent would be so sad if my children ran off in secret too.

@Digdongdoo and grown ups should also be able to handle the emotions of others.

He got married without telling his mother. He sprung it on her over the phone and she was upset so she cried. It's hardly emotional manipulation.

Grown ups should be able to maintain some control over their emotions. Feeling disappointed doesn't make it ok to wail down the phone at someone - that's emotional manipulation.

And just because you're upset about something doesn't make you right and them wrong. Your upset is yours to deal with, not someone else's problem.

I think this update explains exactly why your son chose to have a wedding the way he has. He knew he would be railroaded/everyone needing input & there would be drama either way so went for the easiest option for them both & did it exactly how he wanted. I wouldn’t be surprised if this outburst from you all begins the start of him pulling away & making his own way

I don't know my mum showed me nothing. I had to beg the woman to come and visit her grandchildren. it was door to door pick up ffs. All she had to do was sit there. I gave up in the end.

I love my kids dearly but if they wanted to get married this way then I would respect their decision. My daughter had a small wedding, it was very lovely, my son is engaged and it wouldn’t surprise me if they just eloped - either way I’m happy for them.
I think you need to speak to him once you’re calmer, take them out to dinner and make amends pronto - it’s not about you!

On MN people dream about their kids getting married when they are still babies, hundreds of songs written about this! Seems like people cannot wait for the childrens "milestones". Is this the same MN that recently said you grieve when your children grow up! My pedantic eyes are now bleeding with all this talk of Registry office weddings. I know lots of people think it's unimportant, but then you get questions on here, regarding neighbours disputes, boundary issues and the registry office comes into play.A huge number of the expensive weddings I have attended, have ended in divorce.. when I married my first now ex H,he told his parents (they didn't attend) his step mother demanded to know if I was pregnant, her and his father went to see my (late) parents demanding they stop this ridiculous marriage! My parents said we were over the legal age of consent,it was down to us..it was a bit ironic really, because I understood my ex was at a fancy public school, found out later,he was actually in prison for trying to kill his father. Very upper class snobbery,lots of secrets.

So it sounds like because she already has an estranged relationship with her side, that may have possibly influenced their decision to marry without anyone knowing.

This information sheds more light on the situation and I can guarantee that she was most likely the driving force behind this impromptu wedding with no one being informed.

if I were you, say no more, leave them to it and just be there for when it implodes.

@Knju what would you have done if they'd told you in October/at Christmas what they were planning to do?

She may say she loves and cares

But her attitude is selfish and self centred

That's not an attitude you want around your children...

Wait what??

Why does them eloping mean it’s going to “implode”. People have been eloping very happily for many years. In my experience it’s the ones with the big showy weddings that implode way quicker.

It wasn't an impromptu wedding: it had been planned since October. But go on, rewrite the facts in order to suit your prejudices!

This.
Carry on like this OP and you'll not be a part of any future grandchildren's lives. So very kindly, both you and your husband need to be very sensible from now onwards and get a grip.

Oh

It’s that type of family